Thomas Theisman song fic. Please enjoy reading.
What cause have I to feel glad? I've built my life on judgement and causing pain.
I don't know those eyes I see in the bloodstained chrome.
Now everything that I've had and everything I've known have been thrown away.
This can't be happening, my star nation...
And with time I've come to find this isn't my home.
No, this is not my star nation any more, for all these years I've told myself that Haven might not be perfect but it was my star nation. It isn't anymore.
I've stoked the fire, seen more pain that you can know.
The tears of the broken have washed away my soul.
All those innocent people sent to die at the hands of the government, more of them 'disappeared.' The out of control monster called Propganda, assigning the blame to other, the death toll keeps wracking up. Maybe Manticore doesn't even need to fight anymore, just sit back and watch my star nation self-destruct before the eyes of the galaxy.
Pushed by desire to change the way my stream will flow, now I've awoken, and I'm taking back control.
Well, as often as I've thought that, I will do all in my power to stop it. Even if I'm only a naval officer with a State Security spook looking over my shoulder, I'll find a way.
I tried my best to block out the screams, but they're haunting me in my dreams.
Please break my shackles, I want it to stop.
Oh yes, if your wondering I do have nightmares about the 'death' of Honor Harrington. How helpless I felt, watching her be condemed to die with her friends. I should have resisted that death sentence with all my might. I could die in worse company. At least they would be dying for a cause which was worth dying for, rather than the slaughter machine of obedience and fear that Haven is.
I man these wretched machines.
Day in, day out, the grinding wears on my brain.
Undermining my sanity, making me question my reality.
But would it have been worth it? Being hung up beside Honor Harrington as a traitor and example of what happens to people who defy authority. Part of me says yes, even if Cordelia Ransom made me into the boogyman who would of blown up the who city of Novu Paris, it would have been worth it.
But life is not as it seems.
Should I take a chance of freedom and throw it all down the drain?
Another part says no, you have a duty to you star nation... maybe not this one, but maybe the one after it, to the original one which was a shining glorious achievement of the galaxy
I've been imprisoned, please burn my transgressions away.
I've stoked the fire, seen more pain that you can know.
The tears of the broken have washed away my soul.
Pushed by desire to change the way my stream will flow, now I've awoken, and I'm taking back control.
Sometimes I wonder if the SS had learned to bug a person's thoughts. I sometimes think about why I even wanted to return to my star nation after that disaster with the Masadans. I knew that I was going to be punished for failing to do my impossible job and maybe even for Yu's defection. So why did I go back? Its an answer I'm still trying to figure out.
I tried my best to block out the screams, but they're haunting me in my dreams.
Please break my shackles, I want it to stop.
I've stoked the fire, seen more pain that you can know.
The tears of the broken have washed away my soul.
Pushed by desire to change the way my stream will flow, now I've awoken, and I'm taking back control.
I'm sick and tired of the deaths and the pain. Its hard enough to have to throw your ships into battle, only to know some desk jockey back on Haven is waiting to rip you a new one when you fail at winning against impossible odds. Having your friends defect and slowly start to turn against what they thought was right. Its pure maddness. I'm not even half way though my life and I've been though enough pain for hundreds of people.
I'm sick of hurting, sick of thinking it's all I do.
I break those around me, those spared are very few.
So what do I do? Even when I finally gained peace with Manticore, its like glass. No matter how hard we try, it just keeps shattering.
But the bright sun is burning, and my sky shines ever blue.
Friendships surround me, I'm becoming a part of you.
So Mesa thinks that we, the little backwater neobarbs, are going to lie down and die at their feet. That their Solarian League puppet will crush us flat for defying their master plan? The've got another thing coming. We're more powerful then they'll ever realize.
And you know what? Sometimes in my dream I can see my dead. I can hear them die, I can feel their pain. Sometimes I don't stop those nightmares. Do you wish to know why?
I tried my best to block out the screams, but they're haunting me in my dreams.
Please break my shackles, I want it to stop.
Because they remind me of what Mesa will have to pay when their day comes. I've suffered enough and so has my Republic. I'm sick of hurting, sick of thinking of all the dead and their families. NO longer is anyone going to change the direction of my path in life, because my path is not some stream to be easily diverted, but rather a river which will carve its own path.
The galaxy will no longer burdened by the shackles of Mesa and the Solarian League. It stops here.
Song is Awoken by: TheWoodenToaster & H8_SEED. Go look it up on YouTube, its a great song.