This story was based on a request by Andi88 and a once poem she wrote based on the 12 days of Christmas, so this is dedicated to her! It should be about 3 to 4 chapters long and I've cracked it to hell and back - best of all?

I'm not even sorry :) hope you all enjoy.

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Snow knew Emma had a bad day as soon as she walked through the door, she didn't say hi, she didn't take off her shoes, she seemed almost in a daze as she walked past Snow as she fixed a few decorations for the Christmas party tonight. Snow however didn't know how bad until she saw her daughter walk into the kitchen, open the fridge and take out one of the wine bottle being chilled for the party - unceremoniously uncorked and took a long head tilting drink from it. When Emma didn't bother with a glass you knew it had been one hell of a day.

"Wow," Snow said coming to stand at the kitchen island with her, "starting the party early I see." Emma gave a look that could only be described as harried

"God help me this has been the weirdest day of my life." Snow plucked a glass flute from one of the trays she'd arranged and took the bottle from her. She knew Emma was in no way used to magic, now that it was part of her life she was sure there was bound to be a few more of these days to come. She poured her daughter a glass and handed it to her.

"I know this afternoon was weird…" Snow conceded referring to another incident entirely.

"Family photo's didn't even break my top ten for today," Emma cut her off, shaking her head as she accepted the flute. Now Snow was curious.

"What exactly has been going on today?" she asked. Emma emptied the flute in one go before putting it back on the kitchen counter.

"I'll tell you, but I'm not guaranteeing it's going to make one damn bit of sense"

Henry's 12 Steeds

Henry was getting kind of tired of waiting for his horse to tell him he was ready to ride, he'd mucked its stall and brushed its flank a hundred times, he even talked to it, giving his horse definitive reasons why it should tell him he was ready to ride so he could tell charming that the horse had said so at last.

"You know, I'm only ten, but I totally brought the saviour to Storybrooke - she's my mom"

"…"

"Would it not be cool to tell the other horses that your rider is the son of Storyebrooke's saviour, the one who broke the curse?"

"… *snort* …"

"… touché horse, touché." What? He lived in a weird town, there was magic here after all - maybe the horse understood him. In fact he was starting to suspect the horse was mocking him sometimes. Damn horse.
He even tried bribery, brought three green apples everyday. And it still wasn't working. He wondered if he was asking the right horse. Surely he was ready by now? So today he just stuffed those apples in his pocket, intent on rewarding the horse that would let him ride as he went from stable to stable, asking.

He also went from stable to stable, not latching the doors properly…

"David, how's it going?" Emma asked, walking up to him as he picked a stone out of one of the horses hooves. He looked up and smiled as his daughter approached, stopping what he was doing.

"Emma!" he said, giving her a big hug "good to see yo,u" he said, sounding excited.

"David… can't… breathe" she gasped.

"Oh" he said letting her go hastily, "sorry," he apologized as Emma caught her breath.

"What brings you out to the stables this early in the morning?" he asked, still grinning at her.

"It's Monday, thought I'd give Henry a ride to school," she explained, looking about for her son.

"He's mucking one of the stalls," David told her, hitching a thumb over his shoulder.

"Hey, Snow and I were wondering if you'd come over this afternoon for a family Christmas picture," he asked hopefully.

"Uh… yeah," Emma agreed unsurely "that sounds - wait, what's that noise?" She interrupted herself. Both listened for a moment - sounded like thunder… and wailing? And it sounded like it was getting clos-

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!" Henry went by like he'd been shot out of a cannon, a blur of speed and sound while twelve horse trotted after him, all seemingly intent on nipping something out of his pockets.

"HENRY!" Emma and David shouted in unison, both taking after the boy.

"Oh my god!" Snow gasped, hand covering her mouth

"Is he alright? Why did no one tell me? Ooooo, charming is in SO much trouble," she grated. Emma held up her hand, placating Snow.

"Easy warrior queen, Henry was fine - took us a bit to catch up to him, that kid can run when he wants to," Emma marvelled to herself, finishing off another glass of wine.

"Turns out he had some apples in his pockets, once he ditched them the horses stopped chasing him," Emma explained, "then we had to get all the horses back in the stalls. Needless to say that made Henry late for school"

"So he's ok?"

"He's probably not going anywhere near those stables for awhile but yeah he's ok. You know that kid has an unusually high scream," Emma observed as Snow slowly filled her glass again.

"Is that normal?" she asked.

"Emma he's ten," Snow told her. Maybe Emma was knocking the wine back a little fast…

"Anyways," Emma continued, "That particular sight was the tamest and most normal of today…"

Granny's 11 Crossbows

Those damn raccoons! Granny had tried everything, EVERYTHING! To get them to stop tearing into her garbage cans at night but no matter what she did they kept coming back, seemingly laughing at her traps and decoys before adeptly disabling them like mini fury ninja's. They then made a mess and left paw prints everywhere just so she'd know they had indeed been there and yes, the number of f*cks they gave about her determent measures were in fact none. One night morning whilst cleaning up one of the night mess's (cursing as she did) she heard someone clearing their throat behind her and looked up to see Mr. Gold

"You know I may be able to help you with this problem" he smiled "For a price of course…"

Emma had just dropped Henry off at school when she got the call.

"Sheriff," she answered somewhat tersely

"Emma!" Granny said, sounding alarmed "I need help! We have to get my garbage cans off the street!"

"… Ok, I'll bite" Emma said slowly "why?"

"Because they're dangerous!" Granny explained, sounding dire.

"Wow," Emma said.

"I know," Granny replied, staring at the sight before them both with a little embarrassment.

"I've heard of overkill, but Granny - holy shit," Emma gaped.

The "overkill" in question were the eleven floating crossbows pointed at her garbage cans.

"You see the problem of course. Gaston's going to be by with his garbage truck soon, he's a little shite sure but he doesn't deserve to be shot in the ass with a crossbow," Granny conceded with a shrug.

"How did you even-" Emma began, taking a step forward. All the crossbows pointed in her direction with a sound much like the safety being pulled off a gun.

"Whoa, ok," Emma said quickly taking a step back, crossbows going back to the ready position.

"They're a tad touchy, sorry," Granny apologized, sighing.

"I see that."

"Wait, why did they make that noise? Crossbows don't have safeties," Snow found herself asking, interrupting the story

"Seriously? Eleven floating crossbows guarding a garbage bin like it's the president and your question is about the sound they make?" Emma returned, voice completely deadpan.

"It's a legitimate question!" Snow argued defensively

"I don't know, maybe Gold thought it'd be funny, that impish little bastard," Emma growled.

"Wait, Gold? What does he have to do with any of this?" Snow asked, looking very confused.

"If you'd let me finish the story-"

"You're right, sorry - continue" Snow said, waving her hand to encourage her to keep going.

"They're a tad touchy sorry," Granny apologized, sighing.

"I see that," Emma answered back.

"They were suppose to stop guarding at first light but as you can see they've simply become more -"

One of the crossbows jerked to the left and fired, nailing a passing crow out of the air with an almost comically loud 'CAW'. Both blinked, stunned by the lightning fast little display.

"… Vigilant?" Emma finished for her

"Yes," Granny agreed. The crossbow fell to the ground - it's arrow spent, that gave Emma an idea.

"Got anything we can give these things to shoot?" Emma asked

"… I've got some Christmas oranges that are about to go bad."

"Christmas oranges?" Snow repeated laughing

"Yeah, you ever play fruit ninja on the iphone?"

"No," Snow said shaking her head

"Oh. Well it was like that - but with crossbows and, for most people, the influence of LSD," Emma said "In my life we skip the drugs, crap's weird enough as it is"

Emma threw the last squishy orange in the air towards the garbage can, arrow streaking towards it and impaling it to one of the tree's. Granny was laughing.

"That was strangely satisfying," she sighed happily.

"I know, it's weird," Emma nodded smiling. She then shook her head like she was snapping some sanity back into herself.

"I mean no! No it was not, what the hell Granny?" she pointed to the pile of crossbows.

"Who jerry rigged this crazy for you?" she demanded. Granny had the grace to look a little ashamed of herself.

"Gold," she muttered, eyes down cast, "I made a deal with him." Emma very nearly bust a gasket.

"What!?" she almost shrieked

"I was desperate!"

"What did you give him in return?"

Granny squirmed on the spot, looking reluctant to tell.

"Granny don't drag this out, my stomach is dropping into my feet as it is," Emma sighed in exasperation, eyes looking heavenward. Granny sighed and told her…

"Three barks?" Snow repeated. Emma nodded and poured herself yet another glass of wine - sipping at it a bit slower now.

"What the hell does that even mean, three barks?" Snow asked

"Just that - she had to bark three times."

"… I don't get it," Snow said after a minute.

"Neither did I at first - I just thought Gold was being an asshole," Emma confessed, then she giggled.

"We should totally tell him we think he's an asshole - no one is ever that blunt with him, it'd be funny." She snorted while laughing. Snow looked at her daughter for a minute before slowly sliding the bottle of wine away from her.

"Riiiight. Back to the story, what did you do next?" Snow prodded.

"Well, then it was off to see the wizard…"

Mr. Gold's 10 Deals

Mr. Gold was looking for a gift - not just any gift, the perfect gift - for his lovely Belle. Trying to get what she would like best out of her was like trying to teach a cat how to do circus tricks - futile.

"Just be with me for Christmas," she'd always say. But he wanted to awe her with something, see her eyes light up when she opened the perfect gift. He'd looked high and low, through treasures in his shop to treasures in other stores but he found nothing - until he saw it one day while wandering around a local bookstore. A rare, leather bound copy of the tales of brothers grim, only one left. Belle loved books, belle loved these kinds of books - it was like a sign from god he thought reaching for it - Only to have Regina swoop in and snatch it off the shelf before he could touch it. That bloody harpy!

"Excuse me your majesty," he began in poisonously false tone of cheer, "that would be mine," he told her as she turned to look at him. Her lips curved up in a wicked smile

"Really?" she said making a show of examining it.

"Funny, I don't see your name on it," she said innocently. Gold snapped his fingers and 'Rumplestilskin' spelt itself into the leather cover, letter by letter.

"Right there," he said smugly "it's called age, does a trick on the eyes." Regina waved her hand over the letters so they spelt 'ugly imp'

"Would you look at that, so it is," she said with a false look of surprise.

"Very mature your majesty," Gold sneered.

"You want this book?"

"Yes" he told her with a glare, only realizing his mistake as he said it - damn it.

"Willing to make a bet for it?" she asked, smiled becoming devious…

Emma walked into the shop, slamming the door behind her to purposefully abuse the little door bell to let him know, yes it was her and yes, she was pissed. He stood behind the counter with his trade mark sly half smile that could mean anything as she approached him

"Sheriff Swan," he greeted with his usual cordial manner.

"How may I-" Emma punched him in the face so hard he flew back and hit the wall.

"You sir, are an asshole!" she told him firmly.

"Emma! What the hell!?" Snow gasped

"Ok, ok that last part didn't happened, that was just some storytelling therapy," Emma admitted, pressing the mouth of her beer bottle back to her lips and taking a long drink.

"Ok thank god," Snow sighed, relieved, "where did you get the beer?"

"I don't even know," Emma admitted holding the bottle back to look at it "I'm so done asking questions today, I'm just gonna go with Santa gave it to me," Emma shrugged before busting out into a fit of laughter.

"O-k then… so what really happened?" Snow inquired.

"How may I help you today?" Gold asked.

"How about by not going around town and making crossbows floating weapons of terror?" Emma suggested "cause that would make my day a lot less stressful - and weird."

"I was merely providing a highly sought service for a tenant," Gold shrugged.

"Were you drunk when you made that deal?" Emma asked coolly

"Whatever do you mean dearie?" Gold asked, looking as if he should be wearing some kind of halo as he asked.

"You made her bark for floating crossbows, which by the way is possibly the strangest thing I've ever said out loud," she noted before continuing.

"So how about you tell me what the hell you're up to before I get clumsy and break something in your shop?"

"You break it you buy it," he countered, friendly smile taking on a challenging edge.

"Gonna call the cops if I don't? Oh wait," she laughed "I am the cops." Mr. Gold sighed.

"Alright miss Swan I'll make a deal with you-"

"Ha - no thanks, been in that boat, can't say I liked it," Emma interrupted shaking her head.

"Oh I think you'll want to," he assured her with that untrustworthy glint in his eye.

"I will tell you about all ten deals I made-"

"Ten!?" Emma's jaw just about hit the floor while he continued like she hadn't spoken

"- and why in return for one thing," he said holding up a single finger like she needed a visual cue for the number one - what a pompous dick.

"And that would be?"

"Show me your best disco dance moves."

Snow started laughing so hard she almost fell off her stool.

"Oh Emma," she said, wiping a tear from her eye "You're too funny sometimes," she told her daughter.

"Come on, what did he really want?" she asked, still giggling.

"Yeeeeah, I'm not making that part up," Emma told her "pretty sure couldn't if I tried."

"…Oh," Snow said.

"Show me your best disco dance moves."

"… You're f*cking kidding right?"

"I assure you I'm very serious," he told her straight faced.

"No," Emma said shaking her head for emphasis on how hard she was not agreeing to this deal.

"Miss swan I'm shocked," Gold said, placing his hand over his heart, "you could find out exactly what kind of havoc magic is wreaking on ten people, allowing you to better help those souls for the cost of one disco dance move." He tittered at her like she was a grade school child who'd done something naughty.

"And you would turn that chance down on account of pride? My, my dearie - what kind of sheriff do you purport to be?" he asked with a full grin.

"I hate you," Emma told him with a glare that may have dropped him dead on the spot if he hadn't been the dark one for three hundred years. As it was it only made his grin widen.

"Do we have a deal?" he asked. Emma closed her eyes tightly like she was experiencing pain.

"Jesus, Mary, Joseph and the donkey give me strength - yes we have a deal."

"Excellent," Gold said, sounding pleased. He went down the list of deals first.
Ruby apparently got a vision of the perfect gift for Billy if she dyed her hair rainbow, Jefferson made a deal for some small useless portals in exchange for eating six tea bags, Granny she'd already dealt with, Sneezy made a deal to stop sneezing in exchange for wearing a dress all day, five other dwarves (Grumpy, Dopey, Doc, Sleepy and Bashful) all made deals to get rid of their Christmas party hangovers for doing the chicken dance, and last but not least -

"You, your best disco dance moves for hearing all of this," he said, indicating 'all this' with a grand sweep of his hand. Emma couldn't help it, she just gaped at him at a complete loss for words. Finally she found her voice

"Why?!"

"Regina has something I want so we made a bit of a wager for it. She bet I couldn't get ten people to agree to ten absurd deals," he chuckled.

"The mayor underestimates me greatly," he informed her.

"Those two… my god," Snow said, at a loss for words herself

"I know, plus I pretty much just got ten idols of proof that Mr. Gold could sell ice to Eskimo's," Emma said, mulling the image over in her head and smiling goofily.

"What dance move did you do?" Snow finally decided to ask.

"All of them."

"You're kidding."

"No - I rock disco." Snow did fall off her chair laughing this time.

"I'm not helping you up," Emma told her, sulking red face with her beer.

"Ohmygodthatstoofunny!" Snow wheezed on the only breath she could manage between laughs

"I had to shake it for Gold today Mary-Margret, I need another drink before I throw myself head first out a window," Emma said, looking at her mostly empty beer longingly.

"Oh Emma," Snow laughed getting up off the floor after a minute or two, "you've had one hell of a day," She acknowledged, patting her daughters shoulder sympathetically, moment ruined only by her giggling.

"Yeah," Emma said, finishing off her beer "If only it stopped there."

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Feed back is always appreciated, Lurvs you guys and thanks for reading! :D