Disclaimer: I don't own Haldir or Legolas…I suppose I don't own my friend the

Lady of Imladris either…I'm so poor…

A little background for everyone: This little parody of mine is dedicated to my friend Emily, the Lady of Imladris and authoress of Agarwean, and her obsession with Haldir. The idea popped into my head when another friend of ours told her that Haldir was the fattest elf he'd ever seen. She of course, sprung to the defense of her elf and beat him up a little. Now it's this constant joke among the 3 of us. And I am also obsessed with Legolas so I had to put that in there too.

Note that Legolas and Haldir are pretty much totally out of character. It is a parody though.

Also note, Emily/Shadow is quite a bit less insane than me.

Cast:

~Hawk - Me - Age 21

~Legolas

~Shadow - Emily - Age 21

~Haldir

~The Mystery Man

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As the story opens, we find Legolas and Haldir living with Hawk and Shadow in a lovely 2 bedroom apartment. The men slept in one room and the girls in the other. It's early afternoon on a Saturday in Chicago. Haldir, Legolas and Hawk are sitting in the dining room, eating lunch. Shadow came out of her room proudly sporting a lovely black t-shirt with the words 'Haldir Lives!' printed across the front in gold. Haldir smiled when he saw her.

Hawk rolled her eyes. "I suppose you're wearing the thong too?"

Legolas snickered. Shadow crossed her arms. "No. No I'm not…" She stuck out her tongue. "I don't have it yet. It's in the mail…"

"I didn't want to hear that…" Legolas put his head on the table.

"I did!" Haldir chuckled.

"Eww…" Hawk shuddered. "You and your obsession with the Elf-Man…"

Shadow sat down next to Haldir. "You like the Elf-boy, you're not one to talk."

Hawk hugged her blonde elf. "You're the one who got me into it. I never would have developed the obsession if you hadn't made me see the movie."

"You're impossible!" Shadow scoffed.

"And loving it, my dear friend." Hawk grinned while hanging onto her elf.

"Just let it go, Shadow. There's no stopping her." The older elf shook his head.

"I know…"

"I can't help it if I'm a hot hunk of elven man!" Legolas smiled and returned Hawk's hug. When Haldir and Shadow gave him odd looks he pointed at Hawk.

"That's what she said, not me!"

"You don't need to repeat it…" Shadow snorted.

"Yes, he does." Haldir rested his chin on his hand. "Egomaniac…"

"Hey, I can't help it if Peter Jackson made me look good."

"You could try to keep you ego under control."

"Maybe later." Hawk and Legolas got up from the table after finishing eating.

They walked hand in hand to the living room to look at the day's mail. It sat in a small pile on a glass coffee table.

Haldir and Shadow looked at each when the other 2 left.

"They're truly impossible."

"You were the one who had her watch the movie…"

"Are you taking her side?" Shadow put her hands on her hips.

"No…of course not. I'm just saying she was right." The older elf stood up. "I would never take sides with the insane Legolas worshiper."

"I guess that's good to know." Shadow put away her lunch dishes. "I should get ready for work."

"I should get a job too. It's boring staying at home with the egomaniac all day."

"And how do you think you boss would like your pointy little ears." Shadow poked the graceful point at the top of his ear, making him jerk back.

"Don't touch the ears, remember?" He shook his hair over his ears. "There's ways to hide them."

"Maybe. It would do you both some good to get out of the house."

"Shadow! Haldir! I think you need to see something!" Legolas' voice came in from the living room. "We got some weird mail!"

The two less insane residents of the apartment came in. Hawk handed Shadow an almost completely blank envelope. The address was on the front and the return address simply said 'The Mystery Man.'

"How weird." Haldir stood beside Shadow with his arm around her waist. With his free hand, he took the envelope from her. "Who would send us something like this?"

"Well, the Mystery Man, duh!" Hawk looked up at her friend's elf. Haldir glared down at her. "Sorry."

"Whatever. Give me the letter opener." Haldir stuck out his hand after removing it from Shadow's waist.

"Yes sir, March Warden, sir." Legolas gave him a mock salute and handed him the slightly pointed knife.

Haldir rolled his eyes and opened the envelope. He pulled out two pieces of folded paper. He handed one to Shadow and opened the other one. Legolas and Hawk looked on with interest.

"Why don't we get a piece of paper?" Hawk whined.

"Because we gave the Captain the envelope."

"Well, you're a prince. Make him give it back."

Haldir's laughter made them look up. The elf was laughing so hard he was nearly in tears. "What!?!?" Hawk grabbed the paper out of his hands. "Oooo…pretty dress…"

"What?" Legolas grabbed the paper out of her hands and stared at it. "Hey! What is this?!?!" The picture displayed a lovely caricature of Legolas on it. Large eyes, braided hair, high heel shoes and a flowery dress completed the girlish look of the young elven prince. On the top in large letters it read:

Legolas: The Princess of Mirkwood

"Who drew this?!?!?!" The blonde elf crumpled up the paper. Haldir was still laughing like a maniac. "Shut up, will you?"

"I…I can't. It's just too funny…" He leaned against the wall trying to keep his balance.

"What's the other paper say?" Hawk was still trying to stifle her laughter from the Legolas picture.

Shadow shook her head. "It speaks for itself." She handed it to Haldir. "You won't be laughing now…"

Haldir was barely able to hang on to it when she handed it him, but sobered as soon as he saw the picture. Another caricature adorned the paper. This one was of Haldir, but he weighed in at about 300 lbs. or so. Large letters in the same style proclaimed another mean message:

The March Warden Doesn't Do Enough Marching

Legolas got his chance to laugh at the older elf. The picture also had Haldir holding a large turkey leg instead of a bow. The quiver on his back was filled with licorice whips.

Hawk looked at Haldir. His face was nearly purple with rage. "Ummm, Haldir, remember to breathe. It's in then out. Repeat as necessary."

Shadow was backing away from her boyfriend. "It's just a mean joke. Don't kill yourself over it."

"I AM NOT FAT!" The elf exploded with rage.

Legolas clamped his hands over his highly sensitive ears. "Ow! Don't yell so loud…there is another elf in the room ya know…"

"We know you're not fat…" Shadow tried to calm the raging elf. She never saw him show that much anger towards anything, even when Legolas hid his bow and arrows for a week. "You're broad shouldered. We know that."

"Well, someone doesn't…and he'll get an arrow through the forehead for this…"

The elf took the paper back and crumpled it in the same way Legolas crumpled the

Princess picture. Legolas had recovered from the humor he found in the Fat picture and went back to being fuming mad about the Princess picture.

The two girls looked at each other. Hawk stood up. "Well, boys. Get your arrows.

We're going on a Mystery Man Hunt." The two elves ran from the room to gather their things.

Shadow picked up the crumpled picture. "How cruel of this person."

"I know…" Hawk uncrumpled the Princess picture. "But it was a nice dress…"

Shadow elbowed her in the side. "Shut up."

"What!?!? It's pretty…" Hawk rubbed her side.

"Sorta…" They both looked at each other and giggled.

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How'd you like it, Emily? Anyone else find it funny or at the very least, mildly

amusing?

~*~Shadow Hawk~*~

5/17/03