Chapter One: The upperclassmen had been taking bets to see how long it took the Kirklands to fight

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"Slytherin!" The Sorting Hat called.

Oliver Kirkland beamed at his twin brother, Arthur, who tried to sink into the crowd of first years. Oliver would have trotted over to the table had he been capable, rather he slithered happily at the miserable expression on his brother's face.

Since the decree that magical creatures also had to be admitted into Hogwarts, people with not-entirely-humanoid-limbs were not uncommon. What was uncommon was to see two pure-blood, British (As opposed to Indian, who had their own magical school), Naga wiggling their way into admissions. The older, Arthur, had done his best to find robes long enough to hide most of his most noticeable forest green 'appendage', but Oliver proudly displayed the oddly-colored deep purple and maroon scales that made his tail.

Arthur resisted the reflex to curl around himself and hide from the snickers around him. The snakes had been put into Slytherin. Of course.

"I do hope you two don't intend to commune in your weird, hissy language."

Arthur heard a distinctly French voice above him. He glanced up to see the boys' Prefect, Francis Bonnefoy not-so-subtly hiding his amusement.

"Don't forget snakes eat frogs," Arthur snarled, and tried to stand a little taller.

"You sure have a tongue on you don't you?" Bonnefoy snickered. Arthur did indeed, literally had a snake's tongue and would have bitched but Oliver interrupted Arthur with a gleeful hug.

The room hushed as another first year stepped forward, reluctantly releasing his sibling's hand from the crowd as he approached the Sorting Hat.

"Another set of twins," Bonnefoy commented, "Must have been a frisky year."

Oliver untangled himself from Arthur long enough to take a look, "He lookssss fun," He said with a gleam. A few nearby students edged away uncomfortably.

Arthur tried to wrestle himself away from his brother, "I don't see what's so special about Alfred Fucking Jones."

Oliver grabbed Arthur's face and pressed a huge kiss to his cheek, "Oh brother dearest, you are so dumb."

Arthur made a good attempt to relieve Oliver of an eye, "What's so special about Spades?"

"GRYFFINDOR."

The boy released a whoop and barreled to the Gryffindor table.

Bonnefoy sniffed, "I, myself am from Diamonds. Those from Cards are all from a strange part of the magical world."

"KIRKLANDS. UNTANGLE YOURSELVES NOW AND STOP FIGHTING." Suddenly Slytherin's Head of house appeared and had to break apart the cat-fight. Or snake-fight as it was.

Meanwhile, at the Griffindor table the upperclassmen slapped the backs of twins Alfred Jones and Matthew Williams in congratulations.

"Like, what took so long, Jones?" Third-year Felix asked excitedly. Jones' turn had taken a few minutes.

Alfred smiled nervously, "It wanted to put me into Slytherin, but I knew Mattie would be in Griffindor and I didn't wanna."

Matthew was shying away from the attention but couldn't fight off Gilbert Beilschmidt's questions, "Why are you here from Spades!" Gilbert asked insistently.

Matthew shrunk, "I. Um. We're…"

"Gil you don't just ask someone that!" Felix whined.

Toris Laurinaitis tried to gently herd Matthew away, "Stop it Gilbert, you're scaring him."

Alfred was talking energetically to another group, "So Mom and Dad could have sent us to Salem but people from Cards have awesomely weird magic and the American schools aren't really very good and they're kind of still narrow-minded and-"

"Alfred," Matthew tried to scold in his quiet voice, "Mom and Dad said not to talk about that-"

The entire Great Hall's attention was taken to the Slytherin table when a huge crash sounded. Hissing and swearing came from the writhing brawl that consisted of five Kirkland brothers, and a circle of students all terrified of getting hit by fangs or an eight-foot body.

All of the Heads ran over to the mess with their wands at ready.

The boys' Gryffindor Prefect, Vash Zwingli tapped his fingers impatiently, "I would say the Kirklands reproduce like rats but…"

None of the other houses really understood why Gryffindor wouldn't stop making rat puns for the next three weeks.