There is a France Under My Bed.
I should be working on my Naruto fics (and I am!) or my study notes, but this was stuck in my head so I wrote it. I got this idea whilst in Chinese class with PaperDream (a mega talented writer on this site).
This story is set it modern time. T rated for France's perversion. This trait will be extremely parodied and exaggerated XD.
Imagine them with their accents for full effect! No pairings, but little hints of GerIt, Sufin, DenNor, PoLeit and FrUK. At least, I think so.
I don't own Hetalia. Not to be taken seriously. At all.
"Hon hon hon hon! Hon hon hon..."
Germany was having another one of his France nightmares. He shivered, writhing in his bed.
France was trying to molest him again. And he was succeeding too.
"Hon hon hon! Germany, I didn't know you could be such a dirty person!" laughed the Frenchman's voice. He leaned in, smirking like the pervert he was, and pressed his lips against the German's.
"NEIN!" screamed Germany, suddenly snapping out of his dream. Horrible. He had never been so scared in his whole life. Not even when inflation was so high in his country that he couldn't even buy a potato with a wheelbarrow of Deutschmarks!
It took him a minute to realize that it had all been a nightmare. He sighed in relief at seeing his good ol' room in the moonlight. The boring walls. The wooden door. His comfy bed. Italy.
He face palmed.
"What the heck?" he seethed. "How did he get in again? I double locked my door!"
He watched Italy sleep for a moment. No matter how creepy and France like this was, it soothed him to see the smaller man snoring peacefully.
After a few more seconds, he sighed, lied back down in bed and shut his eyes.
"Hon hon hon hon..."
He snapped his eyes open. Was that his imagination? Or was it...
"Hon hon hon hon..."
He widened his eyes in horror. The sound was coming from... under... his bed.
Turning his head slightly to the side, he noticed that there was a glow coming from under his mattress.
He jumped up onto his bed.
"HOLY FÜHRER! My bed is possessed by an evil French spirit!" he shouted.
Italy snorted and turned over. How could he still be sleeping? He had to warn his ally...
He gave the man a firm kick in the side.
"OW!" cried the Italian. "Wha... Germany? Why are you standing on the bed?"
"Italy... Get up." he ordered. Thankfully, the man complied immediately.
"G-Germany? What's going on? You're scaring me..." he whined. Germany clapped his hand over the man's mouth. He put a finger to his lips and motioned for him to shut up.
The two men waited, standing on the bed in their underpants. A few minutes passed. And then...
"Hon hon hon! How so very naughty of you Liliana!" came a murmur from under the bed.
Germany frowned and jumped onto the floor. He reached under the bed and dragged out France, who was reading what looked like porn with a flashlight.
"I knew it! France! What the heck are you doing here?" he snarled, shaking the blond man like a rag doll. The French started groaning in pain.
"Ah! Germany!" screamed France, before composing himself. "Bonjour, Germany! How did you figure out that I was hiding there? Ah! Bonjour, Italy!"
"Ciao, big brother France!"
Germany huffed and did the best German glare he could muster.
"What do you mean, how did I find out? You and your sick perverted laugh were echoing through the room!"
"Ah..." hummed France. "I apologies. I just get so wrapped up when reading... romance novels. Which, by the way, I found under your bed! What is your explanation for this, ein, Germany?"
Germany's face turned as red as a Spanish tomato.
"That... That..." he trailed off, mortified.
"Ooh? Germany has porn? I want to see it! I want to see it!" laughed Italy, jumping off of the bed towards the other two men. Germany gulped and grabbed his arm before he could take the book.
"You will do no such thing!" he snapped, taking the porn out of France's hands, chucking it back into the box and shoving the box under his bed with his foot.
"Aw! I was getting to the good part too! They were going to do a sixty-..."
"No way! These... These were given to me by Finland for Christmas, back during World War 2! I would never buy something this revolting! I'm no pervert!" hollered Germany, letting go of France and Italy.
France looked deep in thought for a moment.
"Ah, yes! I remember that time! Hon hon, Finland, how sneaky of you. I always knew you were secretly that type of person..." he smirked.
Suddenly, Germany grabbed the front of his shirt again.
"FRANCE! Don't try to distract me! How did you get in? What the heck were you doing under my bed? And... what the hell happened to you? You look like Scheiße..."
And, for the first time, France really did look like shit. He had crusty red lines of dried blood on his cheek, a black eye, a bruise on his forehead, a cut lip and a bloody gauze on his arm among other things...
However, no matter how horrible a state he was in, the Frenchman just ruffled his blond hair, acting like he was a god no matter what.
"Moi? I came in through the back, of course! I used to spy on you so I know where you keep the emergency key!" laughed the Frenchman.
"Si! Me too! But I actually made a copy of that key so that I can get in whenever I want to see Germany!" added Italy.
"You... You did what?" gasped Germany, grabbing onto his own head. "Why didn't I ever think of that?"
The man sat on his bed, groaning in frustration.
"Well, moving on..." he suddenly stood up and shouted into France's face again. "You! Why were you hiding under my bed? Wasn't trespassing into mein house enough? Did you have to invade my private space too?"
"But... But... I had nowhere else to go! And you let Italy sleep in the same bed as you!" grumbled France, crossing his arms.
"It's because we're best friends! Germany loves it when I sleep with him! Don't you, Germany? Germany, don't you?" begged the Italian.
"Nein! I never let you into my house in the first place! And France! Answer the damn question!"
"Well, you see..." France bit his lip and dusted off his clothing. For some reason, he wasn't wearing his usual colorful coat. He was wearing what looked like a bland coat and cheap pants. Something was definitely going on. "I'm hiding... And nobody is suicidal enough to look under Germany's bed, so this was a perfect place! Plus you're house is stocked with food and porn! There is no better hiding spot!"
Germany straightened up.
"Hiding? From who?" he asked.
Suddenly, the floor started vibrating slightly. The three men froze and glanced out of the window.
"Germany? What's happening?" cried Italy.
In the distance, many faint, yellow lights glowed like tiny stars. They were slowly getting closer. A soft hum of voices also started to grow louder and louder every passing minute.
A mob?
"FRANCE! WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?" shouted Germany, taking a gun out from under his pillow and pointing it threateningly at the French.
"Ah!" screamed France. "Fine! I'll tell you everything!"
TO BE CONTINUED
I tried to make it obvious, but in case you didn't get it (or if you want to practice some language):
Nein – German for 'no'
Holy Fuhrer – Germany says it in the anime.
Bonjour – 'hello' in French
Ciao – 'hello' in Italian
Scheiße – 'Shit' in German
Moi – 'me' in French
Si – 'yes' in Italian, Spanish and French
mein – 'my' in German
So in the next chapters, you'll find out what happened to France. Germany and Italy will only be in the first and last chapter. Edit 2018: This story was written in 2012, when I was a young teen deeply frustrated with French politics and wrote this to vent, hence the France bashing and highly inappropriate use of serious terms. Obviously, as I said, it's meant to be taken 0% seriously. I won't censor my past self or delete a fanfic, because we learn what we learn in time etc etc. But kids, don't ever do what France does. It's not ok. I purposefully made him a ridiculous character to an unfair extent. He's a bad example. Stay in school, don't steal cars and don't do drugs kids. Don't touch other's boobs without being granted the honor first. Do your homework and take care of your health and your dreams will come true. Mine did. This was a PSA from adult author. Have a nice day.
Hope you liked it!
Peace, love and damn it's 1 am,
XOXO ~~~ HimekoUchia (lover of languages thanks to Hetalia)