He sat by the desk scratching his head. Things were not turning for the better; they actually were taking a downward spiral for the worst. He looked at profit charts and expense forms as if they were a final notice of the apocalypse. The cost of this operation was skyrocketing and not bringing any results.
"Pain, do you have a minute?" His Angel called
With a tired glance he looked at her, his silver eyes showed the sign of exhaustion.
"Konan, if it has anything to do with Tobi and/or Deidara, please leave me out of it. – He looked back at his documents. – Kakuzu's financial review is alarming to say the least."
The blue haired sighed; this was not going to be easy.
"Someone wants to talk to Akatsuki."
"Don't they all?"
"I know, but this is different. This person says they have a task for us and in exchange they will give us…"
She was suddenly cut off by the orange haired, which simply stood up.
"A big load of ryu I hope. Otherwise the repo guys will come take our lair." He commented as he walked to her, putting an arm around her shoulder.
"Better, this contact said that for this job we would receive the nine-tailed demon."
The faint and distant trace of a smile drew on the pierced man's lips.
"That is why I love you, if only you weren't made of paper." He sighed.
"What about it?"
"Our love life would be to die for."
The blue haired sighed, obviously frustrated.
"You already enjoy it enough as it is." She continued to walk ahead.
"But paper cut is a bitch."
There was no comeback or sassy remark from the blue haired who simply squeezed her fists and stomped her way ahead.
"Aw, come on Konan, I did not mean it like that. – she was already gone.- Great, something tells me I will be sleeping in the couch till the next Hokage is elected." Not giving the matter any more thought, he continued into the meeting room where everyone waited so the meeting could start.
Sitting at the head of the table, Pain watched the flat-screen television in the far end of the meeting room. Deidara was looking at Konan, then his gaze shifted to the leader who seemed frustrated, once again to Konan, she was obviously upset, back to the leader who now was staring straight at Deidara and tapping his fingers on the table. He repeated once more.
"Deidara, would you knock that off already?" Pain snapped to then lean back on his chair.
"Sheesh, someone needs to get some." Deidara whispered.
"Someone seems not to be getting any tonight." Hidan replied.
They shared a high-five as the others simply chuckled. There was no need in pointing out the painfully obvious.
In the screen, three shadowy figures appeared, their outlines were fuzzy, totally distorted.
"Gentlemen, and lady, we have a task for you. As we have already briefed, our organization is willing to pay thirty five million ryu and hand over the nine-tailed demon fox in exchange of a simple task."
Pain looked skeptical to the screen. This person was certainly not Danzo of Konoha, he wanted to put the nine-tailed demon fox in a cage. Not likely to be selling the weapon for a simple task.
"Who are you?" He asked coldly.
"Leader, I think we should consider this. Thirty five million ryu would actually fund our cause for quite a while." Kakuzu advised. He was already sharpening his fangs with the idea of that amount of money going into his pockets, the pockets of Akatsuki, anyways, not discussing minor details here.
"Akatsuki is overflowing with talented and powerful ninjas, capable of capturing the nine-tailed demon fox." Pain continued, he was not taking a job that could potentially end up being a prank. Akatsuki was a powerful mercenary army.
"I have been following your progress, and it is extremely disappointing to say the least."
"Who is this? Orochimaru, is that you? How did you get this number?" Pain pressed the matter standing up.
"Look, if you don't want our help, we will take this job elsewhere. There are plenty of nations willing to comply with the task and get their hands on a Jinchuriki, it is but the ultimate weapon and now a rare commodity, thanks to you guys." The mysterious benefactor continued. Pain took a moment to think. There was a possibility of getting their hands onto the Kyuubi, the nine-tailed demon fox, finally. Sighing more than loudly, he finally spoke.
"What do we have to do?" He had given in.
"Every member of Akatsuki is to meet tomorrow at the Naruto Bridge exactly at 9:00 a.m. There, a man completely dressed in black will give you the instructions on the task to be performed. Once performed, you will be presented with your pay, thirty five million ryu and the nine-tailed demon fox's host, Uzumaki Naruto."
The image on the screen went black and the akatsuki cloud logo displayed once more.
"You heard the client men. Make any arrangements necessary and be there on time or I will personally skin you alive."
The remaining eight Akatsuki members looked at each other and disappeared.
Pain sat there, his hands clasped into one another. His worry was visible. The only jobs that paid so high an amount of ryu were bodies in the black market and this client was throwing the nine-tailed demon as an added bonus. Something must be up.
"You think this is a hoax?" Konan asked as she stood up.
"I don't know what to think anymore. – He stood beside her. – Come on, let's make our preparations. The trip is long and we barely have time."
Nodding, the blue haired started her way out of the place. Indeed there were preparations to be completed.
The very next day, at the appointed time and place, just like clockwork the Akatsuki materialized. Right in the middle of the bridge, at the tick of the clock a ninja with an unmarked headband and covered from head to toes with black clothing. No flashy orange jumpsuits, no bare bellied men.
"So far so good." Whispered Zetsu as he looked at the unmarked ninja. The messenger just pulled out a white envelope and gave it to Pain.
"Open it when you get to the location."
"How are we getting to the location, if we don't even know where we are going?" Konan asked as she stepped by Pain.
"Are you sure this mission requires all members of Akatsuki?" Deidara asked as he dealt with his fluttering blonde hair.
"If one member of Akatsuki bails on this mission, you get nothing. – The ninja commented. The Akatsuki were trying to decode his identity. But the voice was new to them, his charka was unknown. It was just a complete mystery. – There is a contact in the other side waiting for you. If you have no other questions I will proceed with the transporting jutsu."
"Transporting jutsu? Like traveling trough space and time?" Kakuzu asked quite confused.
"That is MY thing you hear!" Tobi pointed an accusing finger at the ninja. Without even flinching at the powerful yet almost retarded Akatsuki member, the unmarked ninja simply moved his hands in unparalleled speeds and conjured the Ninja Technique. An intricate symbol appeared under the feet of the nine ninjas and in a flash of blue light they disappeared. The unmarked ninja nodded to the emptiness and disappeared into the forest in front of him.
***
In an unknown place
***
The Akatsuki team found themselves in front of a plaza, a lot of people walked by with no notion or concern for the people in front of them.
"Look mom." A kid pointed out.
"A little too early for Halloween." The mom commented as she walked faster not without pinning her sight on the orange haired with strange and extremely painful-looking piercings. As the Akatsuki looked bewildered at this strange place, wondering what sort of village was this one. A Place where there were no headbands, where everyone talked into their hands at once.
"I guess you are Akatsuki." The bewildered guys turned to look at a small man with jeans and a black shirt. His shirt had the rain village's logo on it. But he was a ninja none of them had seen or seen his dress code anywhere in the five nations.
"And you are…" Kakuzu began to ask.
"The contact. – The short man finished the sentence. – When the boss said he would send cosplayers for this I had no idea he actually got all of the Akatsuki. Anyhow, follow me." With no questions asked, the team followed the short guy across the park into an RV.
In the vehicle, the group of mercenary ninjas stared blankly at each other. The small contact was driving the vehicle. This village had things they have never seen, including the lofty mobile lair.
"I think we've been had." Itachi regretfully commented as he leaned back against the windshield. He could be doing better things now, like trying to capture Naruto and finishing the collection.
"Ah man, this pisses me off. – Hidan bickered as he ran his hands through his hair. – Jashin help me, IF YOU DON'T STOP THIS THING NOW I AM GOING TO MAKE YOU MY NEXT SACRIFICE. YOU HEAR LITTLE SHIT?" He yelled at the boy driving the RV.
"Hidan, come on, relax, sing with me…"
"You're gonna sing when I put my scythe up your ass, Tobi." Hidan whipped back and Tobi ran and hid behind Konan.
"Tobi is a good boy, just tried to help."
"Help yourself to some shut the fuck up cake."
"Enough already you two, we have enough as it is." Pain ordered some peace and quiet, he needed to think, figure out where they were and how to go back to the place they knew.
"Leader-chan is still cranky." Hidan commented with a sinuous smile.
"Hidan, shut up." Kakuzu brought calm to the RV. Hidan still was mumbling about murder on Jashin's name. At least that was better than having Pain killing them all.
The RV came to a stop and the small man came to where the Akatsuki sat. He was extremely bewildered with the likeness of these guys to the characters he knew from a well known comic.
"Ok Gentlemen and Lady, the instructions are simple. Inside that envelope are smaller envelopes with each and every one of your names. There are smaller missions to be performed. The envelopes have to be opened one at a time, when one is done with his mission the next should go. Once you have completed your missions you can come back into the mobile lair. Once all missions are complete, your seal in this realm is released and you will be back to your headquarters where your payment awaits." With that, Pain opened the envelope and handed the smaller ones to the respecting owners. Zetzu noticed he was the only one with no envelope.
"Where is my mission?"
"Well, given the fact that you have amazing blending abilities, you are the camera man." The boy smiled placing a camera hat on Zetsu's head and turned it on. Then the boy turned on a plasma screen T.V. and the video feed soon after started playing on the screen.
"What the?" Kisame stood up bewildered.
"Neat, right? This way we will have the proof that you completed your task."
"This could be useful for us." Konan admired the device. Looking at what the members of Akatsuki did would certainly cut down slack time.
"Ok, guys, you have two hours, go ahead, do fun things in Wal-Mart." The boy commented as he sat back.
"What's a Wal-Mart?" Deidara asked as Itachi stood up. Pointing out the window to a building with people walking in and out, he opened his envelope and placing the paper into his cloak, he motioned Zetsu to follow.
"I bet THAT is a Wal-Mart."
With Zetzu blending into the environment like the chameleon he was. Itachi walked into the store. The associate smiled, still bewildered that someone picked said get go to actually come into a store. He just needed to do his part and leave. The store was busier than what he expected. Standing by the first aisle he read the letter. Smiling to himself, Itachi walked to the first person he saw.
"Excuse me, do you have any Grey Poupon?"
The lady, a very nice middle aged woman, looked bewildered at the serious man.
"Any grey what?"
"Grey Poupon? Do you know where I can find it?"
"What is that?" The eyes of the lady were narrowing by the second.
"Well, the potpourri is by the arts and crafts section…" She started to explain bit was cut off by the black haired.
"Not potpourri, I want grey Poupon. I need grey poupon and it is a matter of life and death."
"But, I have no idea of what that is, maybe if you had a sample."
"NO SAMPLES, GREY POUPON NOW…." Itachi commanded.
"I don't know what it is…."
"Ah screw this, I am going to K-mart, surely there will be a blue light sale on grey poupon there." And Itachi turned around and made a beeline to the exit of the store and walked to the parking lot. Zetsu awaited for the next by the entrance.
As Itachi entered the mobile lair, everyone looked bewildered at him.
"What the hell is grey poupon?" Kisame asked.
"Beats me, next!"
Deidara stood up, he was ready to go and do his part and get it over with.
As the blonde artsy guy entered the store, the associate looked at him wide eyed. It was the second person he had seen wearing the same clothes. He did not make much of it considering the kind of people who entered said store. People in pajamas, or with hairnets, so some sort of group wearing cloaks, that was nothing.
On his side, Deidara walked to the fitness section of the store and suspiciously looked around. He spotted a lady who was eyeing the weights with a bit of regard.
'Excuse me ma'am, can you help me with something? Hmm." He asked as she motioned him to continue.
"These bags… do you think I fit into them?" He pointed at some gym bags.
"I would not know…" She began but was petrified as he slipped into the biggest one there was.
"I guess I do… can you help me see if you would fit into them? Hmmm…" He asked her and she was almost dashing away but he held her hand and guided her into the bag. Some other lady came to the isle, bewildered by the commotion and she too was ushered into a gym bag, and a heavier gentleman, the husband of the first lady who arrived looking for her. He too was ushered into an even larger bag. In line they all laid, to the side of the isle until an associate walked by and watched in amazement how people were getting slipped into gym bags by the cloaked man. They looked like bodies about to be tossed. Deidara lifted one.
"Well this is convenient, hmm." He talked to himself while Zetsu rolled his eyes as he filmed from the camouflaged state.
"Excuse me sir or lady, what are you doing?" The employee asked as he walked and saw the quiet people inside the bags that looked like an orchestra of blinks. With no reply, Deidara just turned away and walked to the exit, the black side of Zetsu was laughing loud and long.
"You think he will be back?" One of the ladies asked.
"Please get out of the gym bags." The frustrated associate bickered as he helped them all out.
Inside the RV, Deidara smiled as he handed his completed mission to the pipsqueak who was driving before. The little fellow couldn't laugh anymore. Meanwhile he passed around some chips and drinks so the ones waiting could eat.
"Ok, I say Hidan and Kakuzu go together." The driver commented and the team of guys stood up.
"Leader-chan, do I have to?" Hidan asked as he scratched his neck.
"Hidan, so help me God, in this case myself. If you don't freaking go in there and do what you have to do I will make you eat that scythe of yours." Pain replied as he watched Konan fascinated with a can of chips. That was as much excitement as he had seen in her face in months.
"Jashin forgive you, heretic fool." Hidan replied.
"I don't need your silly powerless god's forgiveness. I AM God." Pain leaned back and Konan fed him a chip, which he ate with indifference but she was enjoying for the both of them.
"You, God? You're a freaking corpse… and your girl is a necrophiliac. Jashin will smite you and then Itachi's ravens shall eat your rotten corpse…"
"Don't get my Ravens in your shit, Hidan." Itachi commented emotionlessly.
"Hook up a bro here, Itachi-kun." Hidan continued. But as he was getting into the argument, Kakuzu just pulled him out of the RV and slammed the door behind.
"Say 'Ahhh' Pain." Konan continued as she smiled while she fed her lover. Tobi just smirked.
"Aw undead love is so cute."
"Shut up Tobi." Deidara smacked the one talking.
"Sempai, that hurt." Tobi complained as he looked at the screen.
Hidan and Kakuzu walked into the store, now the greeter was alarmed as he saw the pair. There must be a logical explanation to their robes. Walking by the female isle Hidan grabbed a bunch of panties and stacked them on his hand. Kakuzu kept walking ahead as Hidan put up on his head a red bikini with frills.
"Marco…" Kakuzu called from ahead.
"Polo…." Hidan replied as he dashed to the candy isle. From far away he could hear Kakuzu's voice.
"Marco…"
"Polo…" Hidan replied as he switched now to a blue g-string.
"What are you doing young man?" An elderly lady asked horrified as Hidan walked with the crotch of the panties on his nose.
"I am Pantiman, hero of the unmentionables. – 'Marco' called Kakuzu from closer. – Polo…" And Hidan dashed away to catch Kakuzu. Little by little it was becoming more fun to play that silly game.
"Marco…" Kakuzu called from the exit door.
"Polo…" Hidan replied as he slammed onto Kakuzu. He looked at his hands, he had about thirty pairs of panties on them.
"Panty rain no Jutsu…" And he threw the panties to the ceiling and they started landing on random people's heads. The two ninjas dashed out and now the store was up in arms completely baffled with whatever was going on. Zetsu was going to bust a gut laughing so hard.
Hidan and Kakuzu returned their envelopes with the completed mission. Konan was laughing her pretty little behind on the lofty sofa. She could not believe Hidan was walking around as Hentai stood up and stretched. Picking up his envelope he skipped into the store. Now the greeter was worried, yet another one of those crazies walked into the store. He had made up his mind that there must be a cult somewhere nearby.
Tobi walked into the store and discretely checked his mission. He grabbed a basket and walked to the candy isle. The astonished costumers who had the pleasure of seeing Hidan in his pantiman costume before looked astonished at this new strager wering a mask and packing away all the M&M's bags. Every kind of bag and style of M&M's was taken into his basket and he skipped away with no words said.
The employee was really tired as she dispatched the costumer with his receipt. She needed to find a new job in a different place. And then, it happened. A masked man arrived to her counter, he was wearing a strange robe. She had heard rumors of a cult running around the store doing strange things but she did not believe it was gonna get to her. Maybe they were just robbers.
"I would like to put these on layaway." The masked one said. She knew he was smiling, she could hear it in his voice. The line was building behind and people was whispering,
"Sir, you cannot put M&M's on layaway."
"Why not?"
"Because you can't…" The annoyed lady commented.
"Yeah, but why can't i?" Tobi asked again.
"Simply because you can't. Are you stupid?"
"No, you are stupid, you people ask 'how can I help you?' in your flashy vests, well help me with these, put them on layaway." Tobi demanded as he placed a set of two baskets full of the colorful candy.
"Sir, M&M's are not for layaway…"
"How difficult can it be, you put in the information I give you the money and you put them in the back for me."
"Sir…"
"And then, I come and pay for them in easy installments according to my budget….: Tobi continued.
"Sir…." The lady tried to make him come to his senses.
"And once I have paid the full amount then you give me my merchandise and I go home."
"SIR YOU CANNOT PUT M&M'S ON LAYAWAY."
"And why not? It is merchandise and they don't expire for over a year." Tobi continued making the lady upset. She was turning red.
"YOU JUST CAN'T. GET IT TRHOUGH YOUR HEAD."
"No, you get it through your head. Every time Halloween comes I don't get candy cause all the candy is for the kids and people buys it in bulk. So this year I will be prepared and I will have a supply of M&M's… and now you don't want to help me. I am a costumer, and the costumer is always right."
"Dear lord…" The lady sighed.
"You know what, I will go somewhere else… you put these back in the isle and I hope you get no candy in Halloween." And Tobi walked away leaving the two gargantuan baskets on the counter and a line of people completely out of their minds.
"What just happened?" The lady just scratched her head and looked confused.
Tobi materialized in the RV and sat down. After handing the paper he opened a giant bag of M&M's and started eating from them.
"What the hell was that?" Hidan asked wide eyed.
"I don't know sempai but these taste awesome and crunchy." Tobi commented as he
passed them around.
"Kisame, you are up next." The boy commanded as Kisame took his sword and walked
into the store. The greeter was now terrified. There definitely was a cult going around
doing the work of evil and now more when he just saw a blue man walk into the store.
Kisame walked straight to the lingerie department with a basket. There were a few cute
ladies looking around. He just took one of everything in the isle and kept his way
discreetly. As he continued, he spotted a middle aged man, with a cart, parked by the
electronics, enjoying the 32nd rerun of the sX-Men Origins: Wolverine movie. The man
was so entertained he did not notice when Kisame slipped a pack of size three lace thongs.
He kept his way while discreetly looking as he saw the hefty wife of the man find the
pack and all hell broke loose. Never in his life had he seen a woman hit someone harder
than what Tsunade the Hokage could hit. In a different isle, a second man was victim of
the Kisame panty giveaway, this time the man was completely baffled as his wife broke
to tears with the piece of sexy clothing in a size three times smaller than hers. Once he
was out of all of the sexy underwear he casually walked by electronics and saw how a
few security guys tried to restrain the woman and an EMT administered CPR to the man.
Kisame walked to the door with his hands in his pockets. He looked tense and nervous as
he walked by the alarm sensors, as it did not go off he exhaled a heavy sigh of relief.
Looking back he saw everyone in the registers looking at him in shock. He just dashed
out and away.
Handing back the paper, Kisame sat down. His task was not as difficult as the
ones of the others. The boy was still laughing because now Zetsu was stationed by the
electronics and he was seeing the woman being sedated and one of the security guards
was bleeding heavily from his right brow.
"OK. Pain, Konan, you are up next."
The duo stood up and opened their envelopes. They nodded and headed into the store. No
the store associate was terrified as he saw two more of those diabolical monks of doom
entering the store. Konan walked to the right and Pain to the left. Pain went straight to
costumer service, the line was a killer. He kept his serious face and people was beginning
to stare a little too much at his pierced face.
Meanwhile, Konan saw a fairly crowded hallway and decided to perform her task. Have a
conversation with an imaginary person.
"No, I don't understand what you mean… - she started. People thought she was on the
phone so they did not pay much attention. – what…? How could you do this to me? – She
continued as she started to shed tears and look to the side where there was nobody.
People were now staring. – I knew there was another girl, I KNEW IT, I thought I had
won. – A circle of curious by goers seemed completely frazzled by the scene. –You
kissed ME darling. Hey, you are hurting me.- She begged as she started to hold an
invisible hand on her face. She went side to side as if she was being mercilessly beaten. –
STOP IT!" And she felt to the floor where she started to seize. People started screaming
as they saw the young lady levitating and being crushed against the floor, rolling down
the isle as if kicked by invisible hands. A nun started calling Jesus so he would save the
girl from the attack of Satan himself. Konan stood up and dashed away laughing inside as
people started to leave the store claiming it was possessed. Konan dashed and mixed into
the crowd of people waiting in the costumer service line as she reached for Pain.
"How has it gone?" Konan asked as Zetsu simply laughed and laughed.
"Next! - Pain heard and walked to the counter. It was his turn. The lady stared at the
strange yet very manly looking man. –Hello sir, how may I help you?" She asked with a
smile.
"Yes, - Pain replied in the gayest valley girl accent and a severe emphasis on the's'
sounds.. – I would like two quarter pounders with cheese, two strawberry shakes, two
large orders fries and two diet cokes please and thank you. – The lady opened her mouth
to speak but was cut off by the orange haired. – and like, to go please."
"I am so sorry sir I cannot do that." The lady apologized. Pain looked beyond offended
and even did the gay hand motion of the 'oh snap you did not just dissed me.'
"That is just perfect, like, that's because I'm gay, right? Like, I would expect this from
Costco but not from Walmart. People who are gay are just like everyone else. You
disgust me, sick, sick. Come Konnie, let's go eat at Denny's."
"Yummy pancakes." Konan let out a glee of happiness as she followed Pain out of the
store. As they walked into the mobile lair the swat forces were arriving into the store.
Zetsu entered behind them and handed the camera back. The Akatsuki was floored. They
never thought Pain could do such a good valley girl accent.
"As promised, - the driver stood up and made hand gestures. – Release!"
The Akatsuki disappeared in a flash of light.
***
Back in the Akatsuki HQ
***
The members of the mercenary organization found themselves back in their base
and right in front of them were about five cases containing the thirty five million ryu.
And right beside the cases was Uzumaki Naruto. Tied and gagged.
"Well, nothing better than payday." Kakuzu whispered as he bawled over the cases of
money. Deidara walked to Naruto. The kid's eyes widened as Deidara smiled, it was
because of Naruto and Kakashi that he lost his arms. So he punched Naruto full force.
But instead of the satisfaction of knuckles against bare skin he saw a puff of smoke.
"It was a shadow clone?!" Akatsuki exclaimed surprised.
"We've been had…" Itachi commented regretfully.
"Go back to your respective assignments. I have things to do." Pain ordered the rest of
the team. They vanished into thin air with no words said.
"Pain?" Konan called. He had never been this defeated before.
***
In a non-disclosed location
***
"We could have gotten the money." Naruto commented as Sai received the package from
the contact on the other side.
"That is just spare change." Sai commented.
"How is it spare change? That was thirty five million ryu!!!" Naruto bickered back as he
saw Sakura receiving the disk. She seemed out of herself.
"Pain of the Akatsuki acting like a valley girl and openly saying he is gay? This is going
on Youtube. Mwahahahahahaha!"
"Sakura-chan, you are scaring me, back away from the maniacal smiles."
The End