Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.

Guilty

by Ydream08

Summary: Ron didn't love her. The hard truth left left her bitter, but she remained friends for Harry's sake. He was her anchor; one and only true constant of her life. During the hunt, in the Battle, after the war, Harry was always there to support her. She wanted to be there for him, too. It took Ginny and Harry to get back together for her to realize that perhaps she saw Harry more than friends. She has to stick to the role of best friend, though, because she doubts Harry wishes for something more. Or does he?

Chapter 1

Nothing mattered. Whether it be their dispute, her anger from his dismissal of her, his love-sick behaviour to Lavender or his hurtful words accusing her of jealously. None of that was at the forefront of her mind as Hermione rushed to the Hospital Wing. Not that they would change what constricted her heart, busied her mind or overall hit her the moment she received the news.

Colin Creevey, as was the news reporter in Hogwarts, had caught wind of the latest occurrence and barged into the Gryffindor common room early in the morning. If it were not for him, it would have taken the Weasley children much longer to learn what had happened to their brother. For Professor McGonagall the priority was to reach their parents, afterall.

Ginny had been up early, already prepared for her Quidditch practice before breakfast. She would play through the meal, most probably, as Harry had increased the practice schedule in a frenzy.

Hermione had been awake longer than her, though. She was curled in an armchair downstairs, reading a book Nott had recommended. Hermione's civil conversation with Nott in the library, regardless of how absurd and unbelievable it had been, was forgotten when the Slytherin's recommended book turned out to be worth the read. Hermione had stayed awake to read it, actually.

That's how, Hermione had been present when Colin panted in front of Ginny, forcing the words out: "Ron…poison…Pomfrey…"

Ginny paled. "Wait, Colin, say that again?"

"Your brother, he's in the hospital wing! I went to talk with Madame Pomfrey—Snape had left me for detention, you know. I'm going to brew—"

"Colin!"

"Yes, sorry! Harry was there, too. I think he's okay, but they were talking about poison—"

Hermione didn't stay longer to hear the rest. As she dashed out first, it was no wonder she beat Ginny to arrive first in the Hospital Wing.

When she saw Ron lying in the hospital bed, sick and pale, Hermione overlooked everything that strained their friendship –or what was left of it- and focused on here and now.

He needed her, so she would be with him.

Hermione's eyes strayed to Harry's and the next moment, he was explaining her what had happened. Hermione sat next to Ron, holding his hand and rubbing her thumb in circles absentmindedly as she listened to Harry tell the event a second time when the Weasleys arrived. All of them.

It was when, at last, Fred and George, too, occupied the perimeter of Ron's bed that a shriek pierced the relieved but sad atmosphere of the hospital wing. The twins were separated by arms that quickly revealed a blonde witch.

"Won-won!"

Hermione was acutely aware of a few set of eyes observing her, just as well, how slowly she turned to face the source of her headache. Sometimes…when Hermione was feeling sympathetic and comparatively sane about the subject, she could admit that Lavender was not the reason of her heart ache.

Sure, Lavender loved to rub it in her face that she and Ron were lovers, and it had become a hobby of the fellow Gryffindor to accuse Hermione of one jealousy or the other. Hermione surely had to be upset about how Ron didn't sit with her in the Charms lesson, right? Or how it was not her that he snogged in front of the whole Gryffindor lot, in the common room at the busiest hour? Hermione must be fuming about that, the very least!

Even though all of those interactions with the petty girl tired Hermione, it was Ron who shattered her heart repeatedly. It had not been different back in their fourth year, so why would it be different now? It was him who never noticed her kindness towards him. Her adoring stares, blushing sighs, anxious stammering were all brushed aside until Ron poked fun of her to the point that she broke and scolded him the same as any teacher. Then came the comments about how she was a snuck-up, arrogant, impatient, bookish know-it-all. Also the teacher's pet. Never forget that.

Ron had been oblivious to Hermione's feelings. He was busy with Lavender and his unreasonable hatred toward Cormac McLaggen. It humoured Hermione to imagine Ron being jealous of her, with how Cormac openly admitted he fancied her. But even that didn't sit well with her, after seeing Ron's enmity toward the wizard especially during Quidditch. She had to be realistic, Hermione chided herself often.

Hermione cleared her mind of all of that. Nothing mattered, she reminded herself. Ron had been poisoned. He was recovering. When he woke up, he would be delighted to see her. She would nurture him back to health, helping Madame Pomfrey with his care and copying notes and bringing homework for him. Who would look after him better?

Ron would wake up to realize his love for her.

That's why Lavender Brown's presence was like a needle to her hope-filled balloon. The way she rushed to Ron's side, brushed his fringe aside and repeated that ridiculous nickname of his? Hermione scowled, both at the display and the weight that dropped in her stomach. It twisted her feelings in a funny way. Not exactly rage…

"Lavender."

The soft voice was almost like a whisper. Hermione wouldn't have heard if she wasn't as close to Ron as she was. Harry wouldn't have heard if he wasn't standing right behind her.

The rest needn't hear as Lavender spoke up, "I'm here, my honey-bear. Your Lav-lav wouldn't leave you for the world, hear me? I'll be here as long as you ask of me."

There was a lump in Hermione's throat, and she felt like somebody had kicked her in the guts. What Lavender last said was obviously meant for her, and the jab hurt more than Hermione could have imagined.

"Excuse me," Hermione mumbled. It was surprising how easily Ron's hand slipped away from hers.

Hermione was out the doors of the Hospital Wing before anyone could see her tears. She didn't doubt they heard, though.

She could see his appeal. She had never been immune to all of his features that once been what made her fall in love with him. It was just that… once everything was past, she could see more to him than that.

Hermione realized how thoughtless and rude he was. How selfish and obnoxious. Petulant and prejudicial.

To Harry, Ron was still his best friend, though. And indirectly, so was hers. Hermione resented playing nice with him. Most of the time he tried her patience. Not to mention, he had become insufferable after his break-up with Lavender. He had had to end their relationship so this Horcrux hunt could be.

How gracious of him! Not like Harry and Hermione sacrificed anything, right? It was always Ronald Weasley. He acted as though he didn't know of Harry and Ginny's relationship, so it was only him who left behind a lover. Had to put the desire of his heart aside to save the world.

It was only him who had a family to worry about, too. That opinion was known when the selfish prick shouted at Harry exactly that.

"You wouldn't know what it feels like! YOUR PARENTS ARE DEAD!"

There was a ringing in Hermione's ears. It lasted even after when she managed to get Harry off of Ron. It lasted as Ron headed to the mouth of their tent and turned to her.

"You're coming, right, 'mione?"

Her brows knitted together and Hermione tried to focus on Ron. It felt like she broke for air after staying inside water for hours, when she finally inhaled to answer him.

"I'm staying."

Of course, would he ever think of her? Would he ever stop and consider her more than a moment? She was always the afterthought. Just how he remembered her just now as he was leaving. If it wasn't the case, Ron would have thought better than shout things like only he had family. That he was sick with worry. Hermione quickly squashed the little part of her that claimed he couldn't possibly know the state of her parents as she hadn't told either of her friends, but Hermione grudgingly wished Ron to be more considerate. Just. Just that.

Hermione stared at empty space where the half-open exit of their tent shifted with the hallow wind. If not that day in the Hospital Wing last year, this was the proof that nothing could ever come of Ron Weasley. For her at least. She hardly doubted he could be her friend again, in fact.

What a foolish little girl she had been! To have a crush on such a git? She blamed herself.

She recalled how a mantra of how she belittled herself had been stuck in her mind: She was not good enough. She was a freak. An oddity. Too mature for her peers, her mother had said. That was a lie. She was just a know-it-all. She should be grateful that she had friends like Harry and Ron. She should be thanking stars and back that she found friends who tolerated her. She didn't even deserve Ron more than friends. She was a mudblood, as Malfoy reminded her. She was beneath all. An awkward, ugly person, that's what she was. But she had her friends. Her presence for them was tolerable. So it was sensible that perhaps one of her friends would like her… like her more than friends. She should be grateful if that happens, if any of her friends think of her more. It's unlikely. Ron, perhaps. Because she only deserves that. She deserves his insults. The way he talks about her dress, her date with Krum and McLaggen. Because he likes her that he insults her. She would have his fancy for anything. She wasn't even pretty enough to be with him so why did she…

Hermione struggled to quite down the thoughts but tears streamed to her cheeks before she could stop, and she hated that Harry was there to see her like that. She had forgotten about him, but when he came to hug her and wipe away her tears, Hermione realized she had Harry with her. As he removed the Locket from her neck, he was so gentle that it made her cry harder! How could she forget Harry? Harry was someone who cared for her in equal measure as her. He was mature to acknowledge his mistakes and he was a person who was delicate with other people's boundaries. He was considerate to her. A true friend, Hermione deduced and hid her face in his jumper.

Blast it if he thought she was crying for Ron's abandonment. She cried for her loathsome thoughts and demeaning opinions. All of them were from a 'past her'.

She had outgrown them. She really did.

Then why didn't tears stop?

It felt surreal that everything was over. There were smoke, crackles, explosions… Cries, shouts, exclamations… The scenery was more than Hermione could take in so her eyes found something familiar to ground herself.

The Weasleys were all gathered in the Great Hall. Mrs. Weasley crouched next to her deceased son and constantly caressed his hair as she cried, cried and cried. George was no different. Neither was Mr. Weasley. Ron hugged his mother, hardly keeping her together. Although he stood awkwardly apart from the family, Percy was a sobbing mess, too. Charlie and Bill were around as well, stoic and silent. Not so far away, Hermione's eyes rested on the one unchangeable variable of her life: Harry.

His hair was dirty. Mostly grey because of all the dust and smoke. His glasses were croocked because of the witch crying on his chest, but Hermione guessed they were broken because of the battle, too. It was Ginny who hung to Harry as though he was a life-line. Her shrill sobs were distinguishable even if Hermione was across the Hall. She could see how the red-head desperately held on to Harry. He consoled her to the best of his abilities, running his hand up and down her back, but Hermione noticed the lifeless colour to his eyes.

They held their gazes together and Hermione knew Harry mourned no one, at that moment. He just lived. Breathed. Nothing more. He was not well enough to feel. Yet he was there, borrowing the burden of sorrow from his girlfriend.

That's what they were. Wasn't it?

Hermione felt out of place even when she was not remotely close to the family where she stood across the Hall. She sighed and looked away. She had to pick her life from where she left off, too.

Harry had done exactly that, made amends with Ginny. Ron wasn't as lucky with how Lavender had perished in the Battle.

Hermione felt a guilty pleasure at that.

Hello!

I wonder how you'll receive this new idea. I expect it to be short, with how there won't be a dangerous conflict to solve. Just relationships, you know.

I haven't updated Touched Your Lips and Paying the Debt as I would have liked. So if there are any readers from those stories too, know that I've hit a block at those two and struggling to write at the moment. Just so you know.

Hope you've liked this chapter.

-Ydream08