It has been five years. Five long years since Yuki was changed into a vampire by that monster, the monster who convinced her to leave her family behind. The day she left, I told her that one day I would come for her. He had given me the look of someone bored with improbable threats. He thought he knew me. The day he coerced me into drinking his blood, he told me he knew I wouldn't betray her. I told him he was assuming things, yet he didn't listen. He so arrogantly thought he understood every little facet of my being. But he was wrong, so wrong about me. I would betray Yuki. Because she wasn't Yuki anymore. There was a monster inside of the body of the girl who held me when I was scared and alone. The girl who once tenderly cleaned blood off the face of a broken child was now one of the monsters that had caused me so much pain. I wasn't betraying her, not really. I was saving her from herself. And above all, I had made her a promise. If he had really known anything about me, it would have been that I keep all my promises.
So I set out to find her, with the Bloody Rose chained close to my heart. The order had come a long time ago, once they had discovered he had killed a pure blood, but I had known it wasn't time yet. It was only when I had gotten the news that he had died – been killed, that I knew it was time to set her free. So I set out to Italy to find the girl who had once meant everything to me.
That is how I ended up here, standing in front of a dilapidated Roman tower. It hadn't taken long to track her down. It was almost as if she had wanted me to find her, with all the obvious clues she left, clues that I alone, as her surrogate brother, would understand. So now I stand in front of the tower, holding my jacket so the wind doesn't ruffle it away, staring up at the tower where I know she resides. I don't have the abilities I used to as a vampire, reabsorbing my twin corrected me of that malady, but I can still sense her so clearly. I know with absolute certainty that she is here, completely alone.
I push my way through the broken heavy wooden door and walk up the flights of stairs. I had waited for this day for so long and my body does not know how to react to the fact she is so close. I can't tell if my heart is beating so painfully fast because I'm excited or panicking. I've told myself every day since she left that she is a monster, that she means nothing to me, that the girl I loved is gone, but the shivers running through my body tell a different story.
I'm a vampire hunter, I have received her contract, and I will fulfill my promise, I say to myself over and over like a mantra, as I slowly climb higher and higher up the stairs. But no matter how hard I concentrate, little thoughts push through the mantra, stealing my attention. What will she look like? What expression will cross her face when she sees me? Will she look like a monster?
I'm standing before a wooden door. I had been so lost in my thoughts that I hadn't been paying attention, and now I am here. I have to be careful. If this were any other vampire, they would have used my lack of attention to their advantage and I would be gone. But…this isn't another vampire. Just like I know with absolute certainty she is sitting behind this door, she knows that I stand just outside. There is a moment that feels like a standoff. It's quiet, and I can't hear any noises through the insect-eaten wooden door. I know she won't make the first move, so I do, and slowly open the door.
She's stunningly beautiful in her sorrow, or maybe because of her sorrow. She sits alone in a room with a giant queen bed and one solid rocking chair. She is staring out the window, but whether she is looking for something or simply needs a place to direct her thoughts is unclear. When I open the door, her eyes slowly drift over to me. And now, we stand here, staring at each other, and I'm stuck. She looks like I've always remembered. Her hair is longer, the everlasting smile is missing from her face, but it's her. My body, heart and soul recognize her instantly and this horrible unexpected pain grips my chest. For one instant, just one tiny moment in time, I allow myself to believe that everything is how it used to be, and that I am here to take her home. We can go home.
But that momentary lapse of judgment is replaced by such overwhelming loneliness and sorrow as my mind takes over and gently reminds me that we can't go home. We don't have a home anymore. That was destroyed when she broke it and left. I'm not here to take her home, or take her anywhere. I'm here to release her from the horrible sickness she has been forced to endure. I remember myself vividly what it felt like, to be so wildly out of control and to be dangerously close to harming everyone I ever loved. I wanted many times for Yuki to set me free. She wasn't able to, because she loves so fully and deeply. But I don't have the same reserves. I have many character flaws, and being driven by emotion was never one of them. I have the ability to remove myself from the situation, like Yuki couldn't, and judge it objectively. She needs to be set free. As she sits in the chair, looking like a creature born of sorrow and despair, I know that she desperately seeks this freedom as well. Maybe it's why she let me find her so easily. He had meant everything to her, and now he is gone, and she is alone in this world, forever. She needs me to set her free. She needs me.
"Zero," she sighs, and my body acts viscerally, clenching up in pain. My feet move of their own accord, one slow step at a time, bringing me closer to her. I can smell her and suddenly my mind is flooded with memories. Everything is suddenly so confusing, and I feel so lost…
"Zero," she says again more firmly, and the fog dissipates. I am now standing directly in front of her, and she stands up from her chair. She smiles. It is easy to believe my Yuki is gone, because I see none of her in this masquerade of a smile she flashes at me. She lifts her arms, and slowly wraps them around me, as if afraid I will break apart. I see her as a broken relic of the Yuki I used to know…how does she see me? Does she sense the fear and loneliness and loss I have felt every day since she left?
It doesn't matter. She pulls my body close and I sink into her arms and it feels like all those times she would hold me when I would wake up terrified of the nightmares that plagued me.
"I have missed you Zero," she whispers, as she lets her lips rest against my neck. How can she speak so freely about her emotions? There are so many things I want to say to her, yet I can't. I can't explain why, but anytime I try to open my mouth, I feel trapped. I could tell her about how lost I have been since she's left. I could tell her that even when I was distant and mean as a child, I had loved her, and always thought we would grow up, get married, and have a life together. I could tell her how that one time I had told her we couldn't share a bed anymore, and she cried for days, it wasn't because I was too old, or whatever excuse I had belted out, but because I began to constantly have dreams of running my hands across her soft body and couldn't trust myself around her anymore.
Instead, I hold her, burying my face in her neck, and breathing in that scent that used to taunt me at school.
I'm not sure how it started. I thought I was in control of myself and my emotions, but suddenly I am kissing her neck. Gentle, soft kisses right along the nape, like I had in my dreams all those years ago. I almost stop myself, but should I? We never had a chance to discover if there was truly something between us. And a part of my mind I'm not proud of, the dark part of my mind I try to lock away, keeps telling me I deserve it. She has caused me so much pain. She knew how I felt all those years ago, and yet she chased after him, that monster who convinced her to abandon her warm and wonderful life. I had given up everything to take care of her for him, to make sure nothing happened to her, and she actually left me. I dedicated years of my life to watching over her while some other guy got to keep her and love her. I deserve this. It's becoming easier and easier to believe the dark thoughts that crowd my mind, and I think I truly believe it as I grab her chin, and bring her face towards mine.
She clearly agrees I deserve it, because she gently kisses me back. She has to know all the pain she has caused me my entire life. Maybe this one moment could heal all the scars she left behind when she abandoned me. Maybe I still want this. I…I don't even know why I'm doing this…me, Zero, who always held such a determination and strength of will. I don't know what I'm doing, but I know that her lips are soft, and her body is pushing against mine, and all the pain that grips my body in a terrifying prison all day and night is suddenly drifting away. It's almost painful, feeling the protective layers that guard my emotions sloth away like fresh paint during a rainstorm. As I let my hand drift to her soft breast and gently run a hand over her nipple I feel this foreign warmness invade my body. I feel…happy.
I pick Yuki up with ease. She's so skinny now I easily pull her into my arms and carry her over to the bed. It's covered with dust and I have an instant revulsion that this is where she has been staying. The layers that have been peeled back make it easier and easier to admit to myself a truth that I had pushed deep away for so long. I still love this sweet girl who is laying on the bed, staring at me with such warmth and love. I love her, and I don't see the monster that I was so sure only twenty minutes ago existed and ruled her body. I just see the girl who sacrificed herself weekly to allow me to live a little while longer and stave off the madness that would one day overcome me.
A part of my mind realizes that maybe she's sacrificing herself now, that it's in her nature, but I silence those thoughts. They are too painful to handle. I'm already overcome with feelings I haven't allowed to surface for years, and something that powerful could destroy me. So I return to gently exploring her body. I run my fingers, slowly, down the skin of her chest, collecting little drops of sweat along the way. It leaves a beautiful glimmer along her skin, and I take my time, discovering every little inch of her body. She watches me, her big brown eyes focusing on my face, and I can only imagine what I must look like, living out something I had only done previously in my dreams. As I run a finger lightly over her nipple, she shivers, and my body sighs. Actually sighs, little shivers running up my spine.
She's wearing a wrap dress, and I resentfully take a moment away from discovering her body to unwrap it. Yuki waits patiently, never removing her eyes from my face. I hold both sides of the dress, and slowly drop them to the sides. Her skin is so white, so soft, and I resume my exploring, trailing my hands across her stomach. Some spots make her sigh. Some spots make her huff and I mark those away as ticklish spots in my mind. I can't help myself as I gently kiss the skin on her navel, licking some of those spots that make her squirm. At this moment, and this moment only, I miss the abilities I had as a vampire. As I run my tongue over her side, I miss the ability to taste her sweat and pick up little shimmerings of her emotions. Instead, I focus on the way her eyes are dilated, on her quick breathing, and the way her body pushes into my hands, seemingly desperate for more contact.
My hands are shaking as I gently take hold of her sweet pink underwear and pull them down her body. And I can't help myself. I immediately bend down to taste her, and the way her hips move and her legs spread ruins any remaining semblance of self-control and makes me instantly hard. My trembling is getting worse so I focus all my energy into licking her, listening for any hint that one way is better than the other. I lick my finger, then gently push it inside of her, pleased that she is so incredibly warm and wet. I stroke along the inside as I lick and suck and kiss and try to remember every single sign and moan that she allows to escape her. This will all be just a memory one day, and I plan to remember every little shiver and moment for as long as possible. It feels as though everything is making sense in my life, as though I'm finally fully dedicating myself to her, in a way I never did or even dreamed of, as I slowly bring her to orgasm. When her thigh muscles tighten and she pushes a hand deep in my hair I realize I am grinding into the bed and stop, fully focusing on her as she finally climaxes. She lets out a long held breath and her body lets go of all the tension it has been desperately holding on to. I feel dazed and fuzzy. It was nothing like my dreams. I realize now how juvenile they were. In those dreams so many years ago she had always been yelling my name or telling me just how much she loved me, but in this moment when her body collapses on itself in pleasure I realize just how naïve I had been. I rest my head on her thigh and close my eyes, feeling the tremors in her leg underneath my cheek, and listening to her breath as her body slowly pulls itself back together. She runs a gentle hand through my hair and I feel safe and warm.
I'm not sure how much time is passing, because it doesn't matter anymore. Nothing matters except the feel of her hands as I lay here, drifting away in her touch. Anything that had seemed so important in the past is suddenly some trivial thing that happened to someone else. I'm not the child whose family was murdered, I'm simply a man clinging to my lover's leg listening to the soft sounds of the wind outside the window. When she puts her hands on my arms and tugs on them, I'm confused. I can't understand how she could want for anything at this moment. But her tugging becomes insistent so I push my body up with great effort, giving her thigh a gentle kiss before moving up her body.
With her vampire strength, or maybe simply the strength of need, she pushes me on my back, and is straddling me before I can even understand what is happening to me. She wraps her hand around my cock and my eyes roll back. She grips it tightly as she lifts her body up and guides it beneath her, before finally allowing herself to slowly sit back down. I throw my hands to her side, slowing her descent. It seems no matter what I'm doing, I can't stop the need to protect her. All I can think of is how painful this is, and how unnecessary. I've already received so much pleasure and will carry these moments with me forever. But she places her hands on my face, stroking my temples, and with a soft smile begins slowly lowering her body. My chest unclenches…I wasn't aware how tense I had been. I allow her to gently push her body down, until I'm fully inside her. She keeps stroking my temple, and I try to gather myself, afraid that I must look terrified. Maybe her powers have allowed her to sense the tension I didn't realize I was holding. Either way, all my fears slide away as I push up onto my elbows to kiss her. Her hair brushes my face as she kisses me, and when she finally begins to move, I drop back on the bed. It's perfect and overwhelming and I feel as though I am holding onto her legs to keep from exploding and disappearing completely.
My eyes drift up to her face, and she is wearing a look of such desire and abandon that I have to close my eyes to keep from finishing too soon. I feel like I should be doing more, like I should be moving more or taking care of her in some way, but anytime I try to move she gently pushes my chest down, taking control. So I relax into it, allowing myself for once to be carried away without worries and fears and the walls I've created to protect myself. I hear a loud moan and vaguely realize it's coming from me, and that lots of little noises I have never heard myself make before are spilling out of my mouth against my control. I think I'm sweating, and my legs and lips are trembling but I can't think about fixing any of that right now. Yuki's hands are running across my chest, and she's so wet, and her body is starting to move faster and faster and I can feel the slow changes in my body from relaxation to tension. It's becoming harder to breathe, I'm running my hands over her beautiful chest one moment and into her hair the next, not knowing what to do with myself and what I need. I just know that my legs are beginning to tense, and I feel this clenching in my stomach, and I need to feel every bit of her body. I need to possess her, to have her body and her love, and as my balls clench too tightly I pull her down to my chest and bury my face in her neck. She moves faster and faster, and I'm losing more and more control, and for one impossible second my body is so tight and I can't move and I have no choice, I have to release. So I let go.
I'm moaning too loudly next to her ear as everything in my body falls apart. My body is shaking in a way I've never felt before and the shooting sensation of releasing into her body is almost too much to bear. Then it's over, and I can suddenly breathe again. My body feels like my own and is back in my possession. I realize I am gripping Yuki to me deathly tight so I unlock my arms and hope she'll continue to rest her body against mine.
We stay like this for some time, with her resting on top of me, her hair tickling my face. It's comfortable, but I desperately seek to return to the moments where I was inside her and my mind was quiet. For now the wall is going back up and everything is coming back to me. I realize I forgot my promise to her for thirty minutes of pleasure. I forgot what I am, and more importantly what she was. I can feel the vestiges of the warmth and love that I felt while we made love, but it seems like a strange dream, like something I could never feel in real life. The darkness and despair that always seemed to cloud my mind drifts back, or maybe it was always there, just biding its time in the corners of my mind. Part of me wants to believe that she made me do this, she made me lose myself in her with her vampire powers, but I know it isn't true. I allowed myself to forget who I am. Being loved by her was something I would remember in every lonely night to come, but it was never something I would feel again in my life.
It felt like there was so much left unsaid. Now was the time to say anything and everything, but as I slowly lifted myself up and sat back from her, she simply watched me. I could see the thoughts running across her mind through those giant brown eyes, yet we both were stuck, unable to take our eyes away from one another. But I think it was enough. We had just said so much to each other in every touch of skin and moan. We knew everything that would be said and could be said. But now I needed to keep my promise to her, and the haunted look that returned to her eyes was begging me to release her from this life she never wanted.
I was thankfully fully back to myself when I held my gun against her chest. I barely felt anything as I pulled the trigger. And as she turned to dust and the wind pulled her through the window I put on my clothes indifferently. I had a lapse of judgment. That wasn't Yuki. But I had to admit to myself, it was wonderful to pretend for this short amount of precious time that she was Yuki, the sweet school girl with the bleeding heart, and I was Zero, the boy learning to deal with tragedy, and we were back in my room at the academy, two young innocent lovers discovering our bodies and the beginnings of our love for each other for the first time.