Title: Infinity Moment
Author: Katerina
Rating: PG-13
Summary: It was that moment, right there.
Author's Note: This is a pre-series story, set at the start of The Affair (I think it deserves caps, don't you?). Please review – a few words, kind or otherwise – don't take long. :) EDIT 10-9-04: Yes, I am the pickiest person in the world. I'm editing for one word in the last line, because it's driving me nuts!
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Sam arches her back, feeling the comforting rasp of cool cotton sheets, and wonders what it must be like with someone you love.
However many years ago, she'd thought she was in love; now, she can't help but laugh at her own innocence. But she's certainly not innocent now – cardinal sin, and all that – and she's still wondering.
She'd always thought it would be more... special: hearts, roses, choir of angels stuff. But right here, right now, with Jack, she can't imagine it being any better. And there are certainly no angels around here.
Of course, she's not in love with Jack. Not at all.
Funny, really. She's not in love with him, he's not in love with her – or at least, she doesn't think so. But she knows more about him, what he fears, what he treasures...
His guilt.
Yes, she knows about the guilt.
She feels it too, sometimes. But Marie's really only a face to her, a vague collection of features hovering near Jack's elbow at official functions. It's hard to feel guilt about someone you don't know.
She really ought to be ashamed of herself, she thinks, but...
To be honest, really honest, she can't let herself go there. Because she couldn't stop what's going on if she tried, because she needs him as much as he needs her.
She'll admit that. Even though she doesn't love him.
She wonders if Jack would be able to stop; if he wants to. Then she opens her eyes and observes him.
Sweat beads on his forehead, and she reaches up a hand to wipe it away. Her fingers slide through a lock of grey-tinged black that has fallen forward, brushing it back into place. His eyes are closed.
He always keeps his eyes closed at moments like this. She's never been sure if it's an attempt not to imagine his wife, or if it's the other way round. But quite honestly, at this moment, she's having too much trouble arranging thoughts for this to bother her.
And, of course, she's not in love with him.
Her eyes slide closed again, simply because it requires too much concentration to keep them open.
Yes, things are pretty good with Jack. Better than good, really. The best-
"Sam..."
She blinks, lids lifting, focussing with effort.
His eyes are open.
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Later, she'll say that was the moment, right there; the first step on an unforgiving slope. Nothing would ever be able to change it: not the guilt, the pain, or the betrayal. It was the point of no return.
In that one second, she discovered what it was like. In fact, she'd been experiencing it all along; she'd just had to open her eyes.
After all, she is in love with Jack.