A/N If you have the time after you read this story, please read the A/N I placed at the end. Thanks!
Disclaimer: None of the characters of CSI:NY belong to me. CSI:NY doesn't belong to me. This was written for fun and not for any kind of profit.
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Mac was standing by the window in his office looking out over the lights of the city deep in thought about the conversation he had had the night before with Peyton. He wasn't sure what to do; she had surprised him during dinner the previous evening with some news and he hadn't known how to respond. He was really out of practice dealing with emotional decisions He could make good decisions relating to his job all day, every day, but relationships and emotional decisions, on the other hand, while certainly not new to him were something he hadn't had to deal with in quite some time. Sighing deeply Mac admitted to himself that he felt like he was in over his head.
While Mac was still deep in thought, he heard the door to his office opening and saw Stella's reflection in the glass. He turned from the window with a small smile on his face to greet her.
As Stella walked closer to Mac he noticed that she was practically beaming. Without preamble she exclaimed, "I got the test results, Mac. I tested negative. I am going to be fine!"
Mac's smile bloomed across his face and he closed the distance between them as he spoke, "Stella. That is great news. I am so relieved to hear that." When he got close enough, he realized that Stella's eyes were welling up – mostly likely with tears of relief and happiness -- so he reached his arms around her to pull her into a comforting hug that she gratefully returned. They stood together for a few moments before pulling apart.
"Mac, I want to thank you for being there for me through this ordeal. I don't know what I would have done without you there to help keep me from falling apart and losing perspective." With a slight smile Mac replied, "that's what we do – we take care of each other."
She nodded in recognition of the words she had once spoken to him saying sincerely while looking into his eyes, "I know, but I want you to know how much I appreciate it --and you."
"You are welcome. I am glad you trusted me enough to confide in me. Just don't scare me like that again."
"I'll do my best not to, Mac. Anyway, I was going to see if I could get some of the team to go out for drinks now that shift is over. I know none of them knew what was going on with me except Sid, but I feel like celebrating. What do you say?"
"I wish I could," Mac replied, "but I have plans to meet Peyton in a few minutes."
Inwardly cringing, but being careful not to let Mac know that, Stella said, "Bring her along. She's part of the team and it would be a good chance for us to get to know her better."
Mac hesitated slightly before replying, "I don't think that will work for tonight. Perhaps tomorrow you and I could go for a drink after work to celebrate. My treat. How does that sound?"
"I'm gonna hold you to that Mac." Thinking about the bet at the dog show he thought was in jest, but she had made him pay off on, he smirked and replied that he knew she would.
Stella started to turn away, but stopped asking, "Hey Mac? Is everything okay?"
"Sure. What makes you ask?"
Tilting her head slightly as she looked at him, she commented calmly "You were staring at the skyline when I walked in – a sure sign you were deep in contemplation and then you seemed to hesitate when I asked you and Peyton to join us. Is everything okay between you two?"
Mac started to deny there was anything wrong, but he had never been able to fool Stella so instead he just said, "How do you do that, Stella? Are you a mind reader?"
"No, Mac. I just know you really well and I know how to read you."
Mac looked at Stella for a moment before replying, weighing in his mind if he should tell her what was going on and how much to tell her. She quietly commented, "It might make you feel better to talk about it."
He took a deep breath and told Stella that he didn't have time at the moment, but maybe they could talk over drinks the next night.
"Okay, deal."
"Have fun tonight. And, Stella, I am really glad you are okay."
She smiled as she walked out saying, "Me, too. Thanks again for everything. Good night, Mac."
"Night, Stella."
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The next night Stella met Mac at Sullivan's, a bar close to their office. They made small talk over drinks talking about various cases and the people at work. They toasted to their continued good health after they talked about Stella and her recent scare and both reiterated how relieved they were at the outcome. They talked about Lindsay's trial and how they hoped she would be able to move past her tragic past and wondered why the killer killed all those people and left Lindsay to live. They talked about how well Hawkes was doing even though he was actually relatively new as a CSI. They talked about Danny and how he seemed to be maturing. Stella commented on how it had been a while since Danny had mentioned Louie and his condition and resolved to ask him what was happening. They also talked about Flack and how they hadn't seen him as much as they would have liked recently.
When there was a lull in the conversation and they had exhausted their quota of small talk, Stella decided to take the bull by the horns and ask Mac what was going on. "So, we've gotten the traditional small talk out of the way; we have talked about me and just about everybody else at the lab except you. Do you think you are ready to tell me what is going on?"
Mac looked down and rubbed his hand across his neck saying, "I should've known that I couldn't hold you off forever." He shook his head ever so slightly and continued, "Peyton got a job offer back in England. It is a great opportunity and she is seriously considering taking it and leaving the country unless I am willing to commit to marrying her. Not right away necessarily -- although she would be ready to marry me tomorrow -- but she at least wants to know I am serious about building this relationship into something permanent before she throws away this career opportunity," he said succinctly and without much emotion. But he didn't fool Stella one bit. She could tell by his eyes that he was upset.
"And . . ." she prompted.
"And I am not ready to do that. I am serious about this relationship and I think Peyton is great, but when it comes to talking about marriage, I become uncomfortable. Then I wonder why. We have been dating over a year and a half and I really care about her. Shouldn't I know by now whether she is someone I would want to commit to for life"
"Maybe -- or maybe you just need more time," interjected Stella. "She is the first relationship you have had since Claire and it wouldn't be surprising if you needed some extra time to get comfortable with the idea of making a life-time commitment to her."
"Unfortunately, I don't have more time. Peyton needs to make a decision within the next week or two."
"Let me ask you this, Mac. How long were you dating Claire before you knew she was the one for you?"
"About two weeks." He colored slightly as he softly said, "I actually think I knew on the first date and by the end of two weeks I was absolutely sure. But, we were young and didn't have as many concerns or as much baggage. Maybe at this stage, it can't happen like that. We do tend to get more cautious with age."
"True, but, I think maybe even though we get more cautious, we are surer of ourselves in the sense that we know what we want out of life and we know who we want in our life. So, maybe Peyton just isn't 'the One.'" Stella replied.
"I don't know. Maybe I am just expecting too much. I really do care about her, Stella. I like having someone to spend time with again. She is smart and interesting and I enjoy her company. I guess I am just not feeling the same spark I felt with Claire. Is it too much to think I might feel that again in my life?" Mac asked Stella looking confused and vulnerable.
"I don't think so, Mac," Stella replied gently. "I think you should expect that kind of feeling and passion again before you commit to someone. If you can't feel that way about Peyton you need to let her go so she can find someone who can." He nodded in acknowledgement of Stella's statement.
He thought to himself about the other part of his conversation with Peyton – a part that he didn't feel comfortable sharing with Stella since it was personal information Peyton had shared with him. Peyton had talked about wanting children and about the fact that she was not getting any younger. Mac knew he wanted children, but could he see himself having children with Peyton? He wasn't sure and he was starting to feel pressure. He was really confused about what he should do. He didn't want to lose Peyton, but was it fair to hold her back when he really wasn't sure he could see himself married to her and starting a family together. Peyton seemed sure, but something was making Mac hesitate. Unfortunately, he couldn't put his finger on exactly what that something was.
Sensing that Mac needed time to think about everything, Stella took the last swallow of her drink and started to stand, but hesitated. "Before you make a decision, I think you should consider the fact that during this conversation you never once said you love Peyton. You said you care about her and like her, but that isn't the same as loving someone. I don't expect you to tell me whether you love her or not, I just wanted you to think about it."
Stella stood and continued without hesitating, "The bottom line is that only you can decide what is right for you, Mac, just be careful not to commit yourself to something because it is what you think you should do or because you feel bad that you aren't as ready to take the next step as she is or because you don't want to be alone again. That would be unfair to you or to Peyton."
Mac came around the table and helped Stella put her coat on. She turned back to look at him over her shoulder and smiled her thanks.
"Thanks for listening, Stella," Mac said sincerely.
"Anytime, Mac."
After making sure Stella got to her car, Mac went back to their table and ordered a coffee to give himself some time to think about his conversation with Stella. Did he love Peyton? Peyton had expressed her love for him, but he had yet to feel comfortable enough to say it to her. Maybe that was his answer. Maybe it was that simple. He could possibly grow to love her over time, but he wasn't ready to commit to that.
Checking his watch as he drank the last of his coffee, he decided to walk over to Peyton's place. He knew he and Peyton had to talk some more and, after his conversation with Stella, he felt like he had a better idea of what he needed to say.
As Stella drove home, she wondered what Mac would decide with respect to Peyton. While Stella wanted Mac to be happy, she just didn't think Peyton was the right woman for Mac. She couldn't really figure out why. Perhaps it was because she had never really liked Peyton. Stella had made a few overtures of friendship towards Peyton after she had learned of the other woman's relationship with Mac, but Peyton never seemed particularly interested.
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Wondering again whether Mac had talked with Peyton the previous night and what the outcome of that discussion had been, Stella knocked lightly on Mac's door early the next morning. "Hey, Mac," she said, handing him the cup of coffee she had picked up for him on her way into the building. She noticed that he looked tired.
"Good Morning, Stella." He replied allowing a small smile of thanks to grace his lips as he accepted the cup from her hand. "I suppose you want to know what happened with Peyton."
"I admit to being curious, but if you aren't ready to talk, I can wait." At this he raised his eyebrows – she wasn't exactly known for her patience.
She grinned and told him that she really had planned to be good and not ask because she didn't want to pressure him.
He gave her a small smile and told her he didn't mind telling her what happened.
"Peyton is taking the job in England. We decided it was what was best for both of us. We really weren't on the same page and there was no way of knowing when, or even if, I would reach the point where I was ready to make a lifetime commitment to her."
"You know, Stella, I gave what you said a lot of thought. I am going to miss her and Peyton is a great person and a beautiful woman, but I didn't feel for her what I would need to feel in order to marry her. Claire could always make me laugh and we really could talk about anything and everything. I could trust her with anything. I really can't say the same about Peyton. The trust might have come with time, but I don't think the rest of it would have."
"I'm sorry, Mac. I know you must be upset. Is there anything I can do?"
"No. I will be fine. Like I said I will miss her, but I will be fine." He paused briefly before continuing, "Stella, thanks again for listening. It really helped me to sort things out."
"Anytime, Mac, anytime," she replied as she reached up and rested her hand on his neck and brushed her thumb over his check. "I'll be around if you need anything."
After she left his office, Mac reflected on the fact that when Stella initiated those occasional brief intimate gestures in the office, he didn't feel uncomfortable or awkward like he did when Peyton had used those same gestures. As he was thinking about that and what it might mean, his phone rang and he pushed all thoughts of his personal life aside as his workday began.
TheEndTheEndTheEnd
A/N Okay, so this is my very second attempt at fanfiction. My first was some time last summer and I want to belatedly thank everyone who reviewed my first story. I think I responded to some of you at the time you reviewed. Reading the positive reviews felt really good and has made me much more conscious about reviewing the stories I read. I hope people liked this story. I would be interested in getting some feedback. I am trying to improve my creative writing skills. I think I get bogged down in too much dialogue, but I am not sure. Personally, I like the start of the story and the middle to a lesser extent, but feel like the ending could have been stronger. I have tried to fix it, but feel like the more I reworked it the worse it seemed to flow. I don't know exactly what it seems to be lacking, but I was hoping others might be able to point me in the right direction. I have another idea for a story and would like to be able to do a good job with it.