AUTHORS NOTE: All right guys I'm very sorry for being gone for so long. I'm not dead. Thanks to all who checked! I ran into some trouble and well things haven't been great since then. Back when I started All You've Got Is Me, I was at the beginning of what I thought would be a long relationship with a girl I'd liked for a long time. She basically threw herself at me, and I fell hard. Real hard. I was able to write how I felt. I guess I should also mention Tegan in All You've Got Is Me is based loosely on myself, not the intimate parts though… Anyway this girl literally crushed me when she friend-zoned me for no reason. I hadn't really thought about writing again until a few days ago.
With the help of LikeOLikeH and thatsoundssofictional I have decided to not kill everyone making them wait for more. This is more raw and emotional and crazy and full of TRIGGERS . I based this on how I felt, I think you can figure out who is who. Yeah some of this really happened, and a hint- it was basically anything labeled in the past. Anything sex wise DID NOT HAPPEN! This is pure smutty angst, I wish none of this on anyone. I'm sorry if this will offend anyone but this is going to be dark. Okay so this was originally going to just be a one shot, but I've decided this can be my angst story that I can write when this girl does something to piss me off. Yes, I still go to school with her, needless to say it's very strained. So sit back and let me tell you of my story.
Tegan P.O.V.
My fists collide with her rib cage. I unleash all the fury that is coursing through my veins. This is what she gets, she deserves it! How dare she use me and leave me. I want her to hurt the same way she hurt me. Her back is pinned against the wall and I can barely watch what I'm doing to her through my tears. She's crying too, but she's not fighting back. The fact she's not fighting back only fuels the flames.
"Tee…stop!" She pleads, placing her hands protectively over her ribs. Her tone only pisses me off more, I cock my fist back as far as I can and slam it into the wall beside her head. My hand is numb by this point; blood is lightly collecting on my knuckles.
"How…Why…What caused you too…?" I couldn't finish a fucking sentence. I was sobbing so hysterically as I continue to pummel my weaker half. Why did you fucking lead me on, why did you tell me all of that stuff, make me care then rip my heart out? WHY SARA WHY? What finally caused you to realize how fucked up I was? Why did you show me everything, then decide I wasn't worth it anymore? What changed? What did I do to you to make you hurt me like you did?
"Tegan lets just…talk about it." She is whimpering at this point and as much as I want to hate her, to kill her even, I take one last good swing at her gut and then unpin her. She doubles over on her knees in pain, but looks up from my feet into my eyes. Another image of her at my feet flashes in my mind.
"God Sara right there! Yes, yes, yes, oh, oh, oh, SARRRRAAAAA!" I fall back in complete ecstasy, she has a really good mouth and knows how to use it. It takes minutes for me to recuperate enough to form a coherent sentence. While I'm still on my high Sara scoots herself up on the bed and drapes an arm across my stomach and a leg across my thigh.
"Did I do good Tee?" She innocently questions. As if she could do anything but be good.
"Fuck yeah, Sasa. You did." I say through labored breaths. I reach my hand up to her chin and bring her face into mine for a passionate kiss…
"Give me a reason to let you talk?" I just want to kick her while she's down. Everything about her is pissing me off. She deserves better, but I have the capability to change! I can be her everything right? I could if she would fucking let me. Why won't she let me help her now?
A Few Months Earlier
I had just gotten home from school…alone. Sara had rushed home before me. I it was eerily quiet, Sara was there, well her stuff was. I threw my stuff next to hers and went upstairs to go to my room for some music therapy, and by that, I mean blaring Smashing Pumpkins 'Siamese Dream' record to the point I was sure I would break my speakers. That was my intent at least, but I never got the chance. I walked down the narrow hallway on my way to my bedroom but just as I passed the bathroom door, I hear a muffled whimper. I stopped and went back to the closed door, the suffocated cry came again. Sara never cries, so I sure I'm just hearing things. I continue my journey to my room and right as I get there and turn the knob I hear a gut-wrenching screech. That's it big sister mode fully engaged. I rush back down the hallway and barge into the un-locked room I'm shocked, albeit stunned. Sara is sitting with her back against the tub on the floor with no pants or shirt on and a bloody razorblade is clutched in her shaking scarlet right hand that is still resting on her skin. Her once smooth thighs are marred with old and new slices and her creamy white skin is red. She looks up to me with utter terror etched in every pore her long eyelashes coated in tears. On pure instinct, I rush to her grabbing a damp cloth on my way. I slide to a stop on my knees by her side. I reach for her hand that still holds the razor, I go to grab her wrist but I stop myself when I realize there are fresh cuts all along her inner forearm.
"Tee don't. Just leave. I want this." She lets out a shaky breath and slides the razor across her skin. Another ridged bloody trail is left in its quake. WHY DID SHE DO THAT WITH ME SITTING RIGHT HERE WITH HER?
"Sara. Give me the blade." I assertively plead with her while laying a gentle hand on her knee careful not to touch a cut. She looks up and notices that I'm not playing around. Fuck, I wish mom was here, I could use the help. No, I can't tell her, then Sara would be put in a mental ward or something. She slowly and painfully lays the razor in my outstretched palm. "Thank you." I lay the razor out of her reach and grab the towel and gently swab the wounds. I start on her thighs. Each one has a distinct lattice-like pattern stretching from just above the knee to just below the hip. I just don't get it Sara… why? She just lays there with her head tilted back, eyes closed and tears sliding down her cheeks. "Sara…why?" I ask gently, hopping she would let me in.
"I can't tell you that." She doesn't even make an attempt to look at me. What is going on in that adorably fucked up mind of yours.
I continue my previous actions of cleaning her gashes. Some are deeper than others. Every time I hit a particularly big one she winces. I finish up her thighs getting the bleeding to almost stop.
"Sara can you give me your arms please?" She complies by holding both her arms out letting me see her full destruction. Why Sara why? I think I'm gonna be sick… I suppress my gasp and my lunch long enough to drape the bloody towel over her arms; gently pressing the cuts cleaning them. "Sara hang tight while I grab the First-Aid kit. We'll get you bandaged up and back to new in no time."
"Why Tegan? I'm not worth it, let me have my blade back, let me finish what I started." She finally looks me in the eye and I can see nothing in them, she's already given up. She can't give up on me now, I need her.
"No, you're worth it to me." She starts sobbing at this. I stand up grabbing the blade and taking it with me as I run to grab the bandages and rush back to her. I sit beside her and painstakingly start meticulously raping her legs. She just sits there trembling slightly and lets me do it. I look to her face to see if she has any emotion at all, nothing but pure guilt is there. I can't tell if it's from the actual cutting, or if it's from getting caught. I finish wrapping her legs and go to wrap her arms. She stops me.
"Leave them. I want to see what I've done." She says weakly.
"I can't do that Sara. At least let me put some gauze over them?" It really wasn't a question, I was going to do it regardless.
"Fine. Whatever." She responds meekly. I wrap her forearms that are covered in random slashes and slices.
"Alright let's get you into your bed." I give her a weak smile.
"Okay." She attempts to stand up but collapses back on to her butt slightly hitting her head. If this hadn't been in this situation I would have laughed and proclaimed that 'once the weaker Quin twin, always the weaker Quin twin'. Instead I scoop her up without any resistance and start carrying her back to her room. For some nagging reason I couldn't help but feel I had something to do with this, and that scared me. God Sara what am I going to do with you? What can I do to make you better?
Present Day
Sara P.O.V.
Why did I fuck up this bad? Why did I have to let her in? I can't tell her why, it would only piss her off more. I love her I do, but I just don't want to take things as far. I don't want to lead her on any longer. The fact that neither one of us is out, doesn't help. I can only imagine what people would think, and I don't want that thought about me. I'm a selfish bitch for wanting to end it and not to give her a good reason for it. I can't believe I even let this happen. Why did I have to let her in?