He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

"If we make it back to the real world, I'll find you. And fall in love with you all over again."

When she had spoken those words, they had both been scared of so much. Scared of death, scared of losing each other, scared of the possibility of one of them living and the other dying.

Scared that their bond was only as real as the world in which they had lived for so long.

She had said it to reassure him that her love for him was real, and perhaps to reassure herself, as well. In that moment, chest-to-chest on the balcony of their cozy little Floor 22 house, their fear had vanished for a moment. They had been happy, if only temporarily.

Three years later, after months of losing and finding each other again in worlds both real and virtual, Kazuto Kirigaya had held fast to her words just as strongly as he had the moment she said them. They had been his mantra in Aincrad, his maxim in Alfheim, his battle cry in Gun Gale. If he was really honest with himself, at a certain point she had become his only motivation for every choice he made. Every world he traveled, every foe he faced, every person he helped, every item he bought, every tear he shed, every word he spoke, was all for her.

And now it was all for naught.

Through the pouring sleet he swore he could hear the voices of his own insecurity screaming so many things at once. That he wasn't good enough for her. That he was too weak to protect her. That he was too naïve to understand her. That he was too stoic to cherish her.

That he was too selfish to love her.

Kazuto gritted his teeth and walked faster, as if somehow that would make the voices shut up. His damp hair clung to his face as he walked, but he didn't make any attempt to fix it. Where he was going, it wouldn't matter what he looked like, anyway. He didn't have to impress anyone, at least not anymore.

He kept walking until he finally arrived at a small building in the middle of the street. Packed in between two much larger establishments, his destination would have easily been missed by anyone who wasn't paying enough attention. With a sigh, he pushed open the wooden door and entered the building.

A deep, boisterous voice called out from behind the bar at the other side of the room. "Hey, Kazuto! What's up, man?"

He waved back unenthusiastically. "Hey, Agil."

As he made his way to the counter, Agil grinned broadly and set an empty glass in front of him. "What can I get for you today, Kazuto? I've got a new recipe, and I could use your–"

"Thanks," Kazuto interrupted, sliding onto one of the barstools, "but I'm not thirsty." He didn't elaborate further.

Agil stopped polishing glasses, slung his rag over his shoulder, and leaned back against the counter, crossing his arms and surveying his young friend with a critical eye. "You alright, man?" he asked.

Kazuto nodded, "I'm just here to clear my head." He fidgeted a little and avoided eye contact under that steady gaze.

Agil reached out and set his huge hand on Kazuto's shoulder. "Well, just say the word and I got you, okay?"

All the emotion Kazuto had been trying to suppress came welling up at this non-judgemental gesture of concern from one of his oldest friends. "I just don't get it, Agil," he sighed, fighting the tears stinging his eyes. "Why couldn't I go through with it? What was I so scared of?"

The bartender picked up a glass and started polishing again. "There's still time, isn't there?"

Kazuto shook his head sadly. "No, there isn't. It's over."

The glass crashed loudly agaisnt the floor and Kazuto looked up at Agil who had dropped it to loom closer, upset and surprised. "You mean…?"

"Yes. Asuna and I are through." The words left a bitter taste in his mouth as he said them, and he grimaced.

Agil rubbed his bald head in the unconscuious gesture he used when agitated. "Dang," he muttered, shaking his head. "I'm so sorry, man. I really thought–"

"Yeah, well, so did I." Kazuto detected a tinge of anger in his own voice. "And yet here we are."

"Wanna talk about it?"

Kazuto shook his head again, this time laying his head down on the counter. He wasn't sure who or what he was angry with. Was he mad at Agil for bringing it up? Was he mad at Asuna for calling it off? Or was he mad at himself for not being bold enough to take the next step?

Whatever the case, it didn't matter. Understanding why he was upset wouldn't change the situation.

Then again, if that were true, talking to Agil about it wouldn't do any real harm either. And it was probably better to at least figure out the source of his grief instead of just ignoring it. Even if it didn't change anything, he might feel a little better about it.

"She's transferring to a new University in a few days," he finally said flatly, not looking up. "I don't think she assumed I would support the decision."

"What do you mean?"

He raised his head to face Agil. "I think she expected me to put up more of a fight. To insist that she stay here, or something like that." He took a moment to wipe his eyes off. "But what good would that have done if I'll never see her again?"

"What happened?" Agil asked, finally stooping to clean up the broken glass on the floor.

A heavy sigh found its way through Kazuto's lips. "When she told me, I just kind of stood there. I didn't even say anything for a while. She finally asked me what I thought, and I told her I wouldn't stop her."

"Did you say anything else?"

Kazuto shook his head a third time. "At first she looked shocked, and then she started crying. I wanted to reach out to her, to comfort her, but instead I turned around and left. We haven't spoken since." He squeezed his eyes shut. "That was two and a half weeks ago."

Agil comiserated silently with him for several moments, his brow furrowed in thought. "I can't believe you never asked her."

Me neither, Kazuto thought. He ran his fingers through his hair before stuffing them awkwardly in his pockets, unsure of what to do with them.

Unsure. That pretty much described the entirety of his mental state. He didn't have any way of knowing what would happen next. Would he be able move on and forget about her? Or would that even be possible, given how much of his life she had occupied? She had meant so, so much to him.

I want to stay with you forever, she had told him once. I want us to date for real. To really get married. To grow old together.

They had made a silent promise to each other that some day those desires would be real. Had it just been youthful naïvety?

"Kazuto?"

Agil's voice snapped him out of his thoughts. He wiped his nostrils with his sleeve and looked up at his friend again. "I guess I just... panicked. It was too scary for me to go through with, so I ran."

"What was scary about it? Was it her father?"

Kazuto huffed a wry laugh. "No, I've had her father's blessing for months. And it wasn't the money, either." He reached into his back pocket and pulled out a beautiful golden band with a sparkling white diamond in the center. "I've carried this with me every single day for the past five weeks, constantly convincing myself that today would be the day I finally asked her.

"But today always turned into tomorrow, and tomorrow to the next day, until finally I just lost my nerve completely. Some days it was that it wouldn't be romantic enough, other days it was that the time wasn't right." He fought the growing lump in his throat as he shoved the ring back into his pocket. "And now it's too late."

Agil opened his mouth and held up one finger as if he was about to say something, but apparently thought better of it at the last moment. He paced down the length of the empty bar and back, rubbing his head again. When he returned to his previous place across from Kazuto, he abruptly asked, "Do you love her?"

His question caught Kazuto off guard. "What are you talking about? Of course I–"

The bartender held up his hand, effectively cutting Kazuto off. "I'm not asking if you think she's attractive, or if you've got feelings for her. That ain't love, man. I mean, do you really, really love her?"

"Well, yeah," Kazuto replied with a shrug. He didn't really see where Agil was going with this, but he supposed he'd at least hear him out.

Agil shook his head. "Nah. See, with true love, you don't have to think. You just know." His face lit up for a second, and he ducked behind the counter for a moment before reappearing with a small piece of paper. "Lemme ask you something," he said as he handed the paper to Kazuto. "What do you see here?"

The paper was actually a photograph of Agil, smiling happily, standing next to a beautiful woman, who was in the middle of planting a kiss on his cheek. She was holding her hand up to the camera to show off a ring, as beautiful as the one meant for Asuna, adorning her finger.

"This must be when you and Kathy got engaged," Kazuto said, staring at the photo. "You look pretty excited, that's for sure."

Agil laughed. "Yeah, well, actually it wasn't until after I actually popped the question that I started feeling like that. I was pretty nervous, even though I was positive she'd say yes. But somehow, deep down inside, I just knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, and I would do anything at all to make that happen." He paused for a moment before he continued to speak. "The point is, I understand why you've been hesitating."

"You do?"

"Of course I do, man. This question, it's a big deal. There's a part of you that doesn't want to put yourself out there." He put a hand on Kazuto's shoulder. "But if you really love her, you gotta go for it. So I'll ask you again. Do you love her?"

Kazuto thought for a moment before nodding firmly. "Asuna is the best thing that ever happened to me."

"If she leaves, you might never see her again, you realize that, right?" Agil's tone turned somber, more serious than Kazuto had ever seen him before. "If you're gonna let her go, you have to be sure it's the right thing for you."

A billion memories of his time with Asuna flooded Kazuto's head in that moment. He thought back to the time they first met. They had been inadvertently put in a party together at the Boss Strategy conference on the first floor. He had never had any intention of continuing their necessary partnership, but the bravery and determination she had shown during the first boss fight left him secretly hoping their paths would cross again.

He thought back to the next time he had seen her. They had each been solo players, and despite this she had still asked for his help in gathering materials to upgrade her rapier. She had bet him that she could defeat fifty wasps faster than he could, a bet he had quickly agreed to. In the end, her speed and agility greatly outmatched his, and she easily won. He spent a lot of col on the meal he bought her that evening, but her company had somehow made it worth it.

He remembered how upset with him she had been after she saw him laying in the grass one day. She'd accused him of being lazy and wasting his time while the other front-liners put their lives on the line to clear the floor. Though he'd explained his motivations and even convinced her to join him, deep down inside he had realized that his actions had been somewhat selfish. He'd never say it out loud, but he was grateful that she was willing to keep him accountable to accomplish their collective goal.

Then, of course, there was the first time she'd cooked a meal for him. The only S-Class ingredient he or anyone he knew had ever found, and he'd almost sold it just because he couldn't cook it himself. Luckily, Asuna had waltzed into Agil's shop just before he completed the transaction, and after explaining that she'd just maxed out her cooking skill, offered to cook it for him. She'd taken him to her flat, where she cooked the most delicious meal Kazuto had ever tasted in his life. If he was honest with himself, that was when he really started having feelings for her, even though he didn't realize it at the time.

They'd formed a party again the next day, and over the next several days they spent much of their free time together. Kazuto remembered being astounded at the drastic improvement she had made to her swordsmanship since they'd last partied together. There were even a few moments where he would just sit back and admire how she made her fighting style an art form. Every stroke, every step, every movement was a part of a deadly dance between her and whatever enemy was unfortunate enough to cross her path.

And when they married, Kazuto couldn't think of a time in all of his life that he'd ever been happier than the two weeks they were together. As short as their time was together, those few happy days they shared were among his favorites.

Wiping a few more tears from his eyes, he swallowed hard and gritted his teeth. Through everything, every victory, every defeat, Asuna had been by his side. After all they had been through together, he wouldn't abandon her so easily. He couldn't.

He pulled the ring back out of his pocket, suddenly aware of what he had to do.

"I get it now, Agil," he said with a determined nod. "It won't happen on its own. I've gotta fight for it."

Without another word, Kazuto got up and sprinted out the door.

"Good luck, my man!" he heard Agil call off in the distance. "Tell me how it goes, alright?"