A.N.- Inspired by ClamChowder's Ultimate Harry Potter Cliche Catalogue. I've been a member of for a while, but I really enjoy this site and decided to post here as well. First to compliment my grasp of Elvish gets a cookie. Thanks! PS- LOTR not mine. Clearly.
As we click the title, we immediately regret our decision. Not another one of those! But as we all very well know, "drop ins" can be SO irresistible. We have become accustomed to the formula of it all, and where this story is concerned, we are not disappointed…
Scene One: Walking Over Mountains and Plains and Plateaus during which Characters are Described and We meet a Mysterious Stranger.
As the nine companions climbed over mountains and other aforementioned land masses, Legolas spots a shadow in the distance. Legolas fires a warning shot and the figure crumbles to the ground in a very graceful manner that still manages to evoke concern from EVERY Fellowship member. Gandalf has a knowing look in his eye when Legolas returns with the figure in his arms, even though he will not explain her significance for another twelve chapters. We are shocked to see that it is a girl dressed in very strange clothing. She cowers from all Fellowship members but Gandalf, despite intimidating hat and messy uncombed beard.
Girl: (Through her very attractive and heart-wrenching tears) Hello, my name is Jessica…I don't know how I got here! I was (napping by the lake/being murdered/sticking my head in the oven) when I woke up here! In case you didn't notice, I am 5'5, have long dark hair and sparkling green eyes. I have never held a weapon before, and I am wearing a sweatshirt strikingly similar to the one the author is wearing while she is writing this. Can you help me?
We begin to have a sneaking suspicion about where Jessica hails from, and we immediately love her because she is beautiful and in distress.
Gandalf: Welcome to Middle Earth, Lady Jessica.
Jessica: Middle Earth?!? No freaking way! Jesus Christ, this place isn't real! I am stunned that I am in a fictional place and not at all pleased that hundreds of people would give their spleens to be in my position right now! I cannot f-ing BELIEVE this! Shit! Damn!
We are shocked by the use of bad language and quickly lose out emotional attachment to Jessica. The Author attempts to fix it.
Gandalf: Welcome to Middle Earth, Lady Jessica.
Jessica: Thank you. And who are you all?
We are now pleased by Jessica's reaction. We can see ourselves in her, even though she comes from a parallel universe without LOTR. We immediately add this fic to favorites.
Gandalf: Let us introduce ourselves. I am Gandalf the Grey. This is characterized by my gray apparel, which will later be discussed at great lengths because the author will be bored writing sexual tension scenes between you and all the attractive males , meaning Legolas and Aragorn.
Boromir fans click the "back" button.
Aragorn: Hello! I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn. I am very hot and have a scruffy beard. I am also bitter concerning areas of kinghood, as I am not one.
We feel bad for him and are attracted to his scruffyness.
Legolas: Mae govannen. I am Legolas. I am very perfect and funny and sweet and brave in this fic, even though in the films I am devoid of any personality. You love me.
We do, in fact, love him. We are also impressed by the writer's grasp of the Elvish language.
Gimli: I am Gimli, son of Gloin. I am here to give you someone to bond with. I will also ask you embarrassing questions about your relationships. Do not worry though. I am not annoying.
We trust him. Wrongly.
Sam: For the purpose of this fic, we hobits accidentally drank a magic potion that makes us your height, making for a more satisfactory love triangle/square/pentagon.
We are shocked by this plot twist and the way that it makes perfect sense.
Frodo: I am Frodo. You think my eyes are pretty and do not notice my ring, as it is evidently not important to the fate of Middle Earth anymore, and we forget about it for 7 chapters. Though the ring ceases to exist at the moment, I am still pensive because Frodo fans like that.
Frodo fans cheer. All intelligent fans go back to bed.
Pippin: I am Pippin. I am adorably stupid yet charming. I will make cute comments throughout the fic.
His stomach growls. This is cute.
Merry: I am Merry. No one really bothers with me. Sometimes it feels like-
Gandalf: You are welcome to join us on our very important yet now irrelevant quest. Now notice again how hot Legolas is.
Jessica: Oh dear, I am crying again. I am upset to have lost my home. Oh dear and now I have fallen down and sprained my ankle. Legolas, please pick me up in your strong arms and carry me to Leaekdnvlskenf.
We are so anticipating the physical contact that we do not notice the fake place.
Legolas: My arms are strong and I smell like trees.
We swoon.
Gandalf: Well, off we nine companions go to save Middle Earth.
Readers are pleased by the new addition. Notice-Everything Reader flames The Author that there should be ten companions now. We are all slightly puzzled at the lack of Boromir, but instead, banish Notice-Everything Reader for making sense. We are now anxiously awaiting the next chapter, as we are all hooked.