His head tilts, not wholly obvious, not even by half. But it's there. And there is a lean. One that's forward rather than backwards. One that is going into something rather than escaping. His eyes are settled, almost meeting. Arms are tight, folded upon the table top, almost rested, never the less comfortable. There are pursed lips, smiling, almost. He's not speaking much, mostly monosyllabic as always, but he's nodding occasionally, almost.
And this is how Robert knows that Aaron is into this new guy.
"Can I get you another drink?"
There is a new shirt and proper shoes. Gel glistens in his hair, beard shaved. He's looking good. An effort has been made. Not one for sneaking into fancy hotels. Not one for clandestine rendezvous' but effort none the less.
"Robert, do you want another one?"
This new guys touches his arm, briefly and eyes follow where the gesture left. This new guy leans in, eye brows wiggling. Mouth contorting to reveal unheard words. He laughs, almost.
Robert does and doesn't want another drink. He doesn't want to see another man draw happiness from Aaron, something he himself never managed. But going means to leave them alone.
"I'll have another one, cheers Vic."
It's the second time Robert has found Aaron with the new man in the pub. The second time he has not been able to tear his eye from them. The first he'd been unsure about. This new guy and Aaron –sitting with Finn, Victoria and Adam. They were just all just talking, nothing unusual. Except maybe the slight glisten to Aaron's eyes as this new guy regaled them with a story about university. Except maybe the lingered handshake as they went their separate ways.
A pint is dropped down on the bar. "He's name is Tom. He's Finn's mate."
"So why is he sitting with Aaron?"
"They're having a drink."
"Are they on a date?"
"I don't think so."
Except they were and it was completely unobvious to most in the room. He knew though.
"They are on a date."
"Why? Because they are both gay?"
"No, because they fancy each other."
Victoria is looking at them, eyes squinting.
"Aaron is just showing him the gay scene. Finn would have joined them except he's working loads."
"No, they fancy each other."
He knows in loads of little ways. He knows because Aaron's made the effort to clean his finger nails. He knows because he is chewing on the bottom of his lip. He knows because he glances, their eyes meeting, almost.
"You had your chance Rob and you blew it."
There is no sympathy in Victoria's voice and Robert almost wants to walk out there and then.
"Don't pretend you're not jealous."
"I wasn't going to."
Her eyebrows rise. "Well that's progress at least."
"What?"
"You not dismissing your feelings for Aaron when I mention it."
He snorts, "What's the point?"
It is amazing to Robert, this turn of events. To go from secrets and lies to being open and far too obvious. To go from sneaking around and doing whatever he could to silence people to not caring who knows what. To going from pretending he didn't care what Aaron got up to being glaringly jealous.
"Leave Aaron alone Rob. He's just got out of prison. "
Yeah he has, just out of prison for possession of a firearm and breach of his suspended sentence. Just out of prison, just a short spell. Not as long as it could have been, not as long as if he'd of been found guilty of attempted murder. Luckily he hadn't and now no one was serving time. That crime was currently unresolved. Everyone's life can go on, even Andy and Ross – the real perpetrators.
Even Robert's life can go on. Because as long as he knows that Andy set up the shooting then Andy will do nothing about his involvement with Katie's death. A stalemate. Uncomfortable and full of hatred, but none the less solid.
Everything is solid and as it should be. Except that Katie is dead because of him and his brother cannot stand him and his sister is stuck in the middle as it had always been. And now he sits around her cottage receiving monthly cheques from home farm because Lawrence had made him Director and all Robert has to do his take them to the bank.
It is as it should be.
Him having all the money he needs without having to force his feelings for Chrissie. Without having to pretend they run deeper than they ever did.
He has that money and he can do anything he wants and go anywhere he likes.
Things are as they should be.
Almost.
After everything, he has that money that he so desperately tried to hold onto. It is worth it. Worth seeing Katie's glazed eyes amongst the wreckage of a collapsed floor. Worth hiring that hitman for Chas. Worth watching Paddy disappear beneath the grain. Worth the village hating him. Worth his brother wanting him dead. Worth his Sister's confusion. Worth the nightmares. Worth the self-hatred.
Almost.
This new man gets up from his chair, heading for the bar. Aaron watches him and this is how he knows he is interested.
Everything is as it should be.
Almost
They haven't really spoken since Aaron's release. Other than to confirm that Aaron hates him and wishes he'd died. Aaron ignores him, not easily. Because Robert can see the bubbling anger. He can see the tension in Aaron's frame. Notes the way he pauses upon seeing Robert. Even tonight as he sits with this new guy, it's obvious. The resentment. He absolutely wishes Robert wasn't around.
Almost.
Because how can there be that much hate without love? This is what Robert is holding onto. Yes there are small smiles for this new guy and yes there is a new shirt and clean finger nails and unwavering attention. But there is also a tightness to that smile and a new shirt that is just not Aaron's style and clean finger nails that drum occasionally upon the table top, and a refusal to look around the room.
Yeah, he's into this new guy but he's not wholly into him. He can't be, not when Robert is only just finally ready to do whatever it takes to get Aaron back.
He watches this new guy place two pints onto the table top and Aaron say something before standing up. Robert almost doesn't get up to follow him.
"What do you want?" It's there, that seething anger, worn so effortlessly. It's amazing how threatening Aaron can look even with the urinals and a leaky tap as his backdrop.
"Is this new guy your boyfriend?"
"That's none of your business."
Robert's blocking the door.
"You fancy him. I can tell."
"Leave me alone."
"You swallowed, hard, when he leant towards you to say something."
"So?"
"So I remember you doing the same to me. Do you remember? In the hotel that time when we discussed our late check out time."
Aaron shakes his head, chewing on his bottom lip. He remembers, Robert knows this.
"And you won't quite look at him. You're nervous. You like him."
"So what if I do, I'm moving on." There is assurance to Aaron's voice, confidence. He looks Robert straight in the eye, almost.
"But you love me more."
"Not any more." Aaron moves to side step Robert but he matches Aaron. Robert sees the fury, they are equally matched except for Aaron's temper.
"You can't hate me this much without loving me even more."
"Leave me alone."
"I can't."
"Robert..." Hands curl to fists but Roberts not scared, he'll go through anything.
"Because I love you even more than you could ever love me."
Aaron closes his eyes, clenching. Fists rested against them. "Leave me alone." It's a beg.
"I know you want me, and I can make it happen. I will make it work, we can start again." He moves, forward. Touching Aaron who reacts as if he's been burnt, retreating, moving back until his frame crashes against the bathroom wall.
"I'm moving on."
"You don't want too." Robert catches Aaron's arm and then the other one. Their bodies are inches apart, their breaths colliding.
"No." He's pushed away.
"I love you."
And then Robert is back there, right in front of Aaron's lips. Skin tingling from proximity. Hairs on his arms standing on edge. And then there is no second between their eyes meeting and their lips locking. They are against one another, Aaron is pressed to the wall, whole bodies touching. They linger, Aaron barely responds. Then he melts, his kiss clasps Robert's. He leans into it hard, desperate.
"No!" Robert's pushed away again.
Aaron's breathless.
"Leave me alone Robert."
And then he pushes past, fast and hard. And he won't look at Robert.
Almost.