A/N Hey, I've been grafting on this one for I dunno how many months and I think I'm happy enough with it, at least for this chapter.
It's inspired by Dr Death DST's fic Starting Over, which is absolutely amazing. You should go read it if you haven't already, you won't be disappointed.
Thanks to Dr Death DST who beta'ed and rolling with me on this one. I hope you like how it turned out.
The name may actually change, I dunno, PM me with ideas, questions whatever.
sbc
It was a group of Asari commandos, sent by the council, that had found Shepard's battered body, pinned under rubble, unconscious as she bled out. She'd been comatose for 2 months. 2 months filled with intense frustration. 2 months of hope.
Although she's been awake for four days; this is Ashley's first chance to see her. Until now she's been coincidentally 'busy' or so she told herself.
I mean the council had a right to know the various situations of the galaxy didn't they. After waiting for so long, she couldn't stomach it any more. So she swallowed her pride, grew a quad (as Wrex would say) and headed to the hospital where Shepard was holed up.
It felt wrong flaunting that she was intact, especially after Shepard summoned the Normandy to extract her. I got crushed by a Mako and ended up with bruising. Bruising! Not life altercations. I wasn't in a coma for months while they fought to save me. While they thought I wouldn't make it. Whys it always got to be you Shepard?
The skycar ride was long and boring as it juddered to its destination. During the ride over Ashley thought about what she would say, rehearsing it, committing it to memory. She just needed answers so she could sleep without cuddling an empty bottle of liquor. That's what she reiterated over and over, hoping that if she told the lie long enough; eventually she would believe it.
The weight of it made her feel uneasy, as she got out of the skycar her conscience posed another question. Did she really need to know? Would it really be so bad if she just never saw Shepard or those green eyes again?
Dismissing the question entirely, she headed into the hospital. East Wing, Block A, Room 2E she'd memorized it when Liara told her where Shepard was, should she ever want to visit, now that she was awake. Shepard had been transferred to a specialist care unit since the last time Ashley had seen her.
She'd visited an unconscious Shepard many a time, read Tennyson to that empty body more times in the past two months than she can recall. Had pleaded with God more times for just a few more words than she cared to recall. Now … now she's been given a chance for more words, for more time, and it hurts. She feels like it hurts, and she doesn't know why.
Can't begin to imagine what conjures these emotions within her, it's always been hard when Shepard comes back, but all Ashley feels is that it shouldn't be like this. There should be joy. Not worry. Not fear that Shepard is someone else. Something else. That things will be different with her. That there'll be another Horizon.
She can remember the early visits, the very first seemingly the hardest of all. Garrus warned her. He told her she should wait, should go get some rest then come back after she'd ate. But Ashley had refused slipping him off with casual lies of how Alliance soldiers were built for 42 hour shifts. His mandibles had twitched in an appreciative manner, but she saw doubt in his eyes. The pity. He knew it was a lie, of course. He was fully aware he was correct and that bounding in there was a mistake, but he also knew Ashley couldn't wait that long.
Her skin felt wrong. Alien. Tight on her body. Itchy. She recalls clammy hands and sweat dripping down her neck, hair sticking distastefully to it. Her footsteps roars of a stride towards the door, she heard the muffled voices of others, floating entities around her. Her eyes were lidded and heavy, limbs a weary drag. Nerves edgy and a recurring tsk in her head that replayed Chakwas' words "amputation was necessary".
She kept clenching her left hand running her fingers down the sweaty palms surface then back up. Her fingers bashfully picking underneath her thumbnail and clawing the surrounding bobbled skin away.
Somewhere beside her there's the sound of Traynor dry heaving, Ashley doesn't register it. As she walks into the room everything's blanketed out there's only the hospital bed centered in the middle. Shepard's limp form upon it. White background noise scratching away at her eardrums, they feel as numb as they did during the final push, frags flying.
Traynor wails, screeches freely escaping her lips, Ashley can't reach out, wants to. For reassurance, or comfort shared between friends she doesn't know. She wants to be there for Samantha like she knows Shepard would. To tell her it's fine, that Shepard's safe but her movements are languid. Maybe I couldn't find the words because I don't believe them? She couldn't stop her as Samantha scampered out of the room, upturned tables in her wake, as she fled to violently retch.
With just her and Shepard in the room the tightening of her skin doesn't seem to matter any more, nor the raw tinge that holds her throat hostage. There's just the sweat and color draining from her olive skin to somewhere deep within her stomach. A place discovered only upon dissection, if it weren't so intangible. A gorging torrent of emotions so inexplicably strong, it leaves her gasping for air, silently choking on breaths she's already taking.
There's a safety in unconsciousness she'd soon discovered. The fact you could spout nothingness to Shepard and she couldn't respond. Couldn't judge - not that Shepard ever did. But she wouldn't be affected by the words you told her, they wouldn't drag down further on her already burdened shoulders. It wasn't one more thing to worry about. Or another concern to go on the list. It was freeing one-sided conversation that made Ashley feel like the most cherished person in the galaxy and the most alone, all at the same time.
She just rambled on about whatever filled her head, there was no one there to stop her. She'd list off memory after memory to the echo of something else in the hope of comfort. It was nostalgic, heavily reliant on its ability to make her weep and excuse herself with promises of "Wake up soon, I need to kick your ass for making me cry so much"
Tears were never something Ashley Williams frequented often, they were reserved for only the most sacred of moments. Time's you had to choose carefully so it didn't look like you were slipping away from everything. You had to be resolute a pillar of strength before the concept of tears could be considered.
It was a helluva lot easier to cry when you had a body to do it over. When there was conclusive proof of the hardships they'd faced, the ones you couldn't, didn't, and hadn't stopped. With a body you have the constant reminder of all that was said. All that wasn't.
Liara had never told Ashley that Shepard wanted to see her, or had asked about her, which only added to the aching in her gut that this was a bad idea. That this was the kind of idea that didn't end well for those involved.
She must have asked about me, I mean she asked about Joker and everybody else. Shut up Williams jealousy doesn't suit you. Why am I jealous ... Gee Ash I dunno maybe because Shepard to you is on par with being a Saint.
She laughed to herself, then the smile faded as once upon a time she would have been able to share such a thought with Shepard as she ribbed her about it. Now those instances were just memories. Any kind of trust like that had been obliterated when Shepard had returned from beyond the grave. Offering nothing more than a casual it's been too long.
"It's been too long Ash." The fury those immortal words conjured in her soul, it felt like she'd been biotically punched in the gut as they ripped her heart out. Then there was the situation with Udina, that Cerberus bastard, of all the fucking things in the world to do she raised a gun at her CO. A gun to Shepard. To a woman she'd once shared an intimate conversation with about the existence of God. You don't go from that to pointing a gun in said person's face Williams, you just don't!
She didn't take in much of her surroundings as she snaked through the corridors to Shepard's room. There was some recollection of a salute and dismissal of the guard tasked with keeping watch outside.
She can see Liara is in the room with Shepard as the woman lies motionless in the hospital bed. UV lines darting from the mangled flesh barely visible from the gaps in her casts and slings. Shepard's right leg or what's left of it, is raised in the air by pulleys attached to the ceiling. Cushioned on a bed of pillows. The other one is resting on top of the sheets, decidedly bruised and scarred.
Ashley has never had to deal with the aftermath of an amputee, she'd been ground side when this type of injury had happened and everything had told her to keep the soldier calm, ensure them everything was going to be ok, stem the bleeding, wait for the docs, then relinquish care. Never has she had to come face to face with the harsh realities.
She feels sick, worse than ill, and her legs threaten to buckle from underneath her, but she grips onto the window pane. Knuckles draining whiter and whiter. Heart pumping. Head spinning.
I should have come sooner. Why didn't I come sooner? You idiot. You fucking idiot. After everything that woman's done for you! Do you know how you repay her? You show up days late to a party you weren't even invited to. But don't worry because you had tea with the council. Since when did you get cozy with the politicians and their bureaucratic crap. It's not like Shepard dealt with this. This. At least have the decency to fucking look at her.
But she can't. No matter how loud her head demands. Her eyes can't meet the windows resident. Maybe it's the fact she saw those green eyes again, saw the warmth Shepard carried in them. The same eyes she's laughed with, cried over, grieved.
She would have done anything for you.
Ashley lunges at the wall with her foot. Primal rage has festered too long. Warranted too much analyzing, Received too much kid treatment without enough hard action. Exertion. Contemplation. Thoughts that never cease. Answers she never gets to questions she never asks. She spits it all. Eden Prime. Virmire. Kaidan. Horizon. Mars. Earth.
Aggressive instincts: tendencies for violence. Xenophobic. Could be problematic. Leadership skills? Tough but fair. Tough but fucking fair. Never enough. Never fucking enough. No Williams will ever be good enough.
Again. She kicks again.
Again Williams. Again. Spar. Left. Right. Jab. Jab. Uppercut. Go defensive. Watch the inside. Keep your fucking guard up. Again. Hit him again. Do you hear me you retched piece of shit. No Williams will ever be good enough. You will never be good enough. Now hit him again.
Another kick. Harder this time.
Harder Williams. Harder. You will run harder. You will fight harder and you will listen to me harder than any other of these other maggots. You will never be good enough you piece of shit. No Williams will ever be good enough.
Her foot wildly swings once more.
I had to choose. I chose you. Are you trying to be a martyr? Get the crew to the evac shuttles. Maybe it's you. You've turned your back on everything we stood for. You've turned your back on me. I still know where my loyalties lie. I'm an Alliance soldier ... it's in my blood!
A low grunt eclipse's her lips, as the sound of contact reverberates.
I don't know what you are … not since they got their hands on you … is it really you?
I thought it was obvious who the enemy was? I thought so too!
Brown locks blind her vision as they clutch to her cheeks glistened surface. Hot tears have streamed down with unwarranted attention. They now wobble loosely from her chin. Collecting. Swelling. They gorge.
We've found something. I ... I think … It's a body … Goddess … There's so much blood, how could anyone survive this? FOCUS … Hello can you hear me? I can't find a pulse. Focus on my voice. Get a line in with five of adrenaline. We're going to get you out. Delta team hurry up with that removal. Just stay with me. I'm losing her. Stats are dropping. Come on Shepard. She's unresponsive to CPR. I won't fucking lose her! Everybody clear. Shocking ... Beginning compression's again. Hold the bag steady! Prepare for shocking. Clear. Still nothing. Again. Five more. Ai'eya please. NO keep going. She's ... there's a pulse … barely.
Another strike rings through.
Her leg's trapped, we need to move this place is coming down. Raleena sitrep; The structure can't hold much longer no matter how much we try to swap in, the barriers weakening, maybe 5/10 minutes Ma'am. We need to move. Can the leg be freed?- it would take too long. Doctor we can't guarantee functionality should it be freed. Prep for an emergency amputation. Ma'am? Do it now, that's an order Kayle!
She rest's her head and arm against the wall, tears continuing to weep. When all her reason is lost she turns her back flush against the wall and slides down to the floor. Half blinking away all that's engrossed her. It's so difficult now. Her knees rise protectively up and Ashley hugs them lazily encasing them close to her chest with her arm. Her head buries into her knee, clutching at the last ounces of her pride before they're stripped away by unruly shame.
She sits there for minutes just letting the tears fall. As a final few soothing breaths echo out. She's composed enough to stand back up and look through the window. She wipes her eyes to remove the hazy water accumulated. Silently hoping no matter how juvenile that her little exertion will have changed everything and Shepard will no longer be confined to a shitty hospital bed: looking like death and feeling like shit both physically and emotionally as she comes to terms with her life now.
She signals for the door to open with the glide of her hand over the lock, and is greeted by the serenity of the room. For one of the very few times in her life she salutes Shepard, who reciprocates as best she can. Her eyes only briefly flicking over Ashley's tear-stained face.
"Hi" Shepard calls a smile pulling devilishly at her lips.
"You look good" Ashley responds lowering her hand. Her own smile instantly hitting her, relief flooding over her body like a wave.
"Did you pay her to say nice things?" Shepard asks Liara, eyebrow quirked.
"No ... however I do believe Karin may have"
Ashley doesn't have to look hard to find Shepard's grin. A faint muttered "Wouldn't surprise me" is barely audible.
"Ashley would you like a drink?"
"Tea would be lovely if you don't mind Liara"
"No not at all, I need to stretch my legs any way, there's only so much of Shepard's 'humor' I can take" with that she stands and begins making her way towards the door.
"Thanks guys, don't mind me or anything, not like I saved the galaxy nearly died again, everyone thought I was crazy. You know the usual"
"See what I mean" Liara adds before slipping out the door.
"You know I always liked that leg, … pity" Shepard muses, catching Ashley's directed stare. Her hand continues to delicately linger atop the bandaged stump, playing thoughtlessly with the loose threads.
"Well look at it this way, the dancing may finally improve!"
"Funny"
"I thought so too"
Ashley nestles herself comfortably in Liara's vacated chair.
"Think of the women, Krogan mind you …"
"Are you sure it wasn't Garrus who paid you?"
"Perhaps ... But-"
"What you're trying to say is what better pick up line than my brittle boned pilot is currently more flexible than me"
"Liara said you hadn't spoken to him?" Never one for beating round the bush.
She watches Shepard's head dip down in refusal to meet her gaze. "I haven't. I don't know if I can. His family gone, I dunno how to broach that! What do I say to him? I dunno, we were gonna go round for dinner after the war, he told me Hilary wanted to be a pilot I said Cortez would be the man to help her there. It seems stupid now." A moment of silence washes over the pair, Shepard's fingers trace aimlessly over the bandages surface. Lifting her head "The girly hordes still okay right?"
Ashley can't help but chuckle ever so lightly. "I'll tell them you said that?"
"I'm sure you will," Shepard teases. "but make them promise to go easy, none of this sword shit in case you haven't noticed I'm in no shape to run"
"What?" Shepard asks at Ashley's frown.
"You nearly died ... again."
"Hey" Shepard coos "I came back didn't I, not all of me but I came back."
"You didn't want to though … I saw it in your eyes! You possessed that look only soldiers get. The one they give you before they go and do the unthinkable. It's the one that tells you they've calculated the risks and it's not looking good, but they haven't managed to reason it with their eyes. So they glint like they're screaming for their mother to come rescue them with one final hug and a last reassuring pet. You were going to save us all, then you were gonna let go without the courtesy of a goodbye. You wanted to die." She looks deeply into the Commander's eye's. Into those green pools she had on that fateful day. The emerald beacons that are there now in all their glory, trying to reason impossible things with her.
"Ash-"
"Don't Ash me!" She spits the venom oozing as her head struggles to comprehend how this happened, how Shepard fell so hard.
"I gave everything to this war. Everything." Shepard screams. "I'll be damned if for just once in my pathetic miserable life I wanted a little peace and quiet. Or just got what the fuck I needed once. Is that too much to ask LC? Because if it is, well then hell Ash, I'm the most psycho, sick, selfish bastard there's ever been." She raves as it all culminates is this tirade of profanity and self loathing.
Ashley doesn't attempt to respond she just begins pacing as Shepard's words become too much, and the grief and gore floods uncomfortably in. Settling around her ankles as she attempts to wade through it. Fighting against it feebly hoping not to be dragged down to its murky depths.
"If I hadn't stopped them imagine what my life would be like!"
Ashley snorts because right since the off she was committed to the beliefs Shepard instilled into her. That there was no doubt in her mind they couldn't win this war. Now she's having to question whether the installer ever really believed in the cause herself.
"I would have been a fucking pariah. I would have told all those people that I was worth losing their loved ones over. That my cause was worth more than their lives and I would have failed. I couldn't have done that! I couldn't have looked you or any of those people in their eyes ever again. I couldn't have looked in my own eyes ever again."
"But you stopped them!" Ashley pleads, stare still window bound.
"They're always gonna want something from me. It's always gonna be Shepard will save us like she always fucking does. I NEVER asked for this. This was never what I wanted. But no one ever asked what I wanted, so I obliged and realized early on it wasn't worth wasting my breath over."
"You're a good person ..." this time Ash can bear to meet her eyes, albeit from across the room. She's wishing she hadn't looked. Wishing she hadn't seen the seething rage the woman omitted.
"Tell the billions dead that, try saying that to their fam-"
Now she's feeling the same rage building within her.
"Non of that was EVER your fault" She growls index finger pointed at Shepard, fists clenched, jaw gritted.
"No?" If Ashley didn't know Shepard so well she'd foolishly answer the commander's rhetorical question. "Then why couldn't I save them?" Tears have built in Shepard's eyes and they threaten to fall.
"Sometimes you can't save them all" Ashley says delicately sweeping Shepard up into her chest.
"But just for once I'd like to. I'd like to save them all. I'd trade the rest of my days if it meant Joker got his family back, if it meant Mordin could run tests on the seashells, if it meant Kaidan never died. I'd trade it all Ash ... if it meant you could love me the way I love you."
She's rigid at those words. Her arms frozen around Shepard's body. The room starts to spin and her vision's as hazy as it was from the tequila last night, but the Commander doesn't falter in her morphine induced state. Or maybe Ash adds that bit in to ease herself.
"But no one could love me. No not me. They could use me to do their dirty work then they'd discard me like the unsavory fuck up we all know I am."
Feeling starts to tug at Ashley's consciousness and she realizes she has to say something, has to know more, can't make head nor tails until she knows more.
"You love me?" she croaks out her voice hitching on the asteroid sized lump lodged in her throat.
She feels Shepard nod her head meekly in response and has to pull away, can't deal with it. She thought she could handle it but no. No, it was foolish to ever think that.
"How could I not?" Shepard says like it's the most obvious thing in the world.
Ashley feels trapped like the abyss is encroaching and she has to run a hundred fucking miles in the other direction so it doesn't swallow her whole. So she does just that and turns her back as she moves away. But something stops her. Someone stops her.
It's Shepard.
Shepard's hand vise gripping her arm. Her eyes begging her not to go, not to leave because of her guilty desires, just begging that Ashley listens to her words, so Shepard can at least say she said them; even if it means she loses her.
"The endearing obsession with words which convey more than you're ever able to. The word's make you, you Ash! All those little eccentricities I love them, every last one."
The way Shepard banters around the love word again is enough for Ashley to break free of her hold as the pacing once again consumes her.
"You're the reason I can recite Ulysses backwards as drunk as the fucking day that dawns. Your unwavering faith in God, after all we've been through it would be easy to just lose sight of everything but you don't. You just draw strength in the fact that He's there for you. How you entered into a profession regardless of the big flashing target painted on your back."
Ashley still hasn't turned round. The views once again more appetizing than Shepard.
"That's why I never told you because I couldn't have let you risk how far you'd come. I would never have let you throw it all away because of me. Every single one of your achievements is down to you Ash, and I couldn't have watched as someone took them away from you, … took you away from me." There's a pause "I knew that if I failed, the world would have you and you'd save them in ways I never could." Shepard just hopes that's a good enough answer it's sure as hell the honest one.
"Why tell me this now?" Comes the call from Ashley's figure as she finally faces the redhead.
"Because I don't want any of this any more, I haven't for a long time, but they won't let me - they won't let me die … I just have to disappear. Go some place far away and stay away." Her face frowns in discomfort as her gaze focuses on her stump. It hurts her heart but it has to be done, she knows it's the only way.
"They why tell me you love me?" There's anger and uncertainty laced in her words, but Shepard can tell she's trying to stay calm, trying not to snap.
"Because it's true! I can't keep pretending to myself you don't mean anything, I can't just have you as a friend. I need more! I'll never get that more." She admits bitterly.
Her good arm rubs her neck as she braces for the next confession.
"I put the entire crew in danger by requesting that evac and I did it out of my own selfish desire. I can't make calls like that. I don't get to play God! Not again ..."
A long breath is exhaled.
"I did it once ... and it cost Kaidan his life ..."
"You ... no … No. No. No. Nooo ... Why ... what? I knew. I fucking knew. Why didn't you tell me then?" She spits through gritted teeth.
"And say what Ash huh? The reason I left Alenko is because I'm madly in love with you."
"You don't get to do this, you don't get to take that away from ME" She screams, nostrils flared, eyes frantically searching for any sign the commander will back down.
"You don't get to say it like that!" Her voice is weak as tears pull at her eyelids and the back of her hand is forced to push them away. She won't cry now, won't show weakness.
"No but it's the way I see it in my head. I left him there because I let my feelings over you get the better of me, and I have to live with that everyday. It's the last and only thought that crashes through my mind every night before I'm rocked with nightmares of Kaidan telling me he hates me. How he wishes I was dead. How I should be the one who rots in hell. He asks me if I know what it feels like to be burned; to smell your own flesh drip away from your bones, to feel your own blood clog your lungs in disgust. To be ripped apart limb from bloody limb by a bomb. He asks me why it is I think you could ever love me."
"I can't" Ashley whispers.
"You can't what huh Williams, you can't look at me, be in the same room as me, love me: which one of the above is it?"
"I can't give myself to you Shepard! My family. My career. You. I could only ever have two!"
The tears are there again and the more they fall, the more her heart breaks into tiny little red chunks of solace and empty love.
"What I ... I don't understand"
Shepard's head feels betrayed by her ears, like they've conjured it up for her own sake, like they wanted to give her some varying amount of light, before extinguishing it right before her eyes. Confusion rivers across her face and she starts to feel light-headed, starts to feel euphoric bliss, then grieves it as if it were never wanted.
With Joker-esc timing Liara chooses that moment to return to room 2E tea in hand "It's 2 sugars and milk right?" she asks not looking up upon entry "Righ-?" her voice trails away as she realizes what she's stumbled across.
"I ... err" Liara's face is reminiscent of a deer caught in the headlights and she's completely at a loss as to what protocol calls for.
"I should go" Ashley whispers to the air around her. Her arms encompass her body for vying support as it violently shakes. She lazily pushes past Liara. Her frame leaning heavily against the wall as she forces her legs to comply with her head's demands. Her heart bellows like a Reaper's siren to tell the woman she feels the same.
But she doesn't.
She doesn't go back.
There is no grand hurrah.
No unruly confession.
"ASHLEY ... WILLIAMS" Shepard screams in pain as she wrestles with the pulley to release her leg from its clasp. Tear's blind her and their salt stings her face's cuts.
"ASSHHH" Her screams echo, as finally her legs free. She turns to get up, ribs piercing her lungs.
"ARGHHH." She tries to stand only to plummet to the floor with a blood curdling crunch.
"I LOVE YOU" but it's too late and she's gone. She's gone and even the hazy reach of her arm in the general direction of the door won't bring her back.
"I love you" she says defiantly once again, softer now fearing her words were never spoke, the cry that delicate. Her head rests on the floor and her shoulders heave.
Liara's shouting the whole time for Shepard not to move, but she's unwillingly lost. When her form clatters to the floor Liara wails for help, for someone, anyone.
With wild abandonment she had lurched to Shepard's side the drinks idly forgot as they spilled on the floor. The noise they made unheard but the presence they left resolute. Their caramel complexion mixing with the murky red pool.
Stern hands pull her from Shepard's side as the medical staff fight to save her once again. She's dragged into the pool where reality catches up with her as the red grits into her hands, pollutes everything and it's vibrancy is all there is to life, or rather the mortal grey in between.
She stares at her fingers for what feels like a forever, never has her blue looked so impure. Never has life looked so tainted. Her fingers are all she needs to know when Chakwas' arms pluck her up and wrap her in a protective motherly embrace.