Act 1: Homer and the Howling Man

This story is a parody of the Twilight Zone episode "The Howling Man." Disclaimer: I am not Matt Groening, so I don't own The Simpsons. Enjoy!

On one dark Sunday night, a pink sedan pulls into the church parking lot. Homer Simpson sprints through the doors with difficulty due to his weight.

He tiptoes through the pews in search of the half-eaten chicken sandwich he dropped during the morning's sermon, when he notices something unusual. "That's weird," says Homer. "The lights are on in the back. Is someone else here?"

He hears long, sorrowful howling. He shudders. "Maybe I should go home." But since when is Homer J. Simpson known for making the right decision? His curiosity wins out.

Homer realizes he there was a lot about the church he doesn't know. He sees very poorly lit sections filled with candles, cobwebs, skulls, scrolls, gems, and other things scattered. "What a dump. This is even worse than Moe's." He hears close footsteps. And runs right into Reverend Lovejoy. Who is dressed differently than normal.

"What are you doing here?" demands the Reverend. "You're not supposed to be here."

"I-I-I j-just came for my s-sandwich," says Homer.

"Oh, this?" says the Reverend. He holds up a paper bag. "Take it. And leave."

"Why are you here, Reverend Lovejoy? Are you supposed to be here? And by the way, you need some serious redecorating."

The Reverend sighs. "Well, I guess I can tell you. Homer, I am part of a secret brotherhood of dedicated to honesty. We have existed for centuries, fighting Satan and upholding truth."

"Oooh. That sounds pretty impressive." He hears the howling again. "What was that?"

The Reverend's eyes shift back and forth and he adjusts his collar. "What are you talking about?"

"That howling sound. Where's it coming from?"

"I didn't hear anything. Must have been the wind."

"OK. . . hey, wait a second. How stupid do you think I am?" (Probably best if the Reverend doesn't answer, no?)

"Now, Homer-"

"Don't you 'Now Homer' me! You're obviously hiding something, and I'm going to find out what it is if it kills me!"

"Homer, no! Come back! Stop! Oh, you damn fool."

Homer follows the sound of the howling until he comes to a cell in the church basement. He gasps. "Moe?"

"No, Homer. The howling man is in the next cell," says Moe, who appears in this story for no reason at all.

Homer looks in the next cell. There is a dirty man with a long beard. His eyes are wide and frightened. "Help me! I'm being kept prisoner!"

"Why?"

"The members of the cult of Honesty! They're liars! They're insane! Save me, good sir!"

"Um. . ." Homer isn't sure what to do. He can't help but wonder if there was a good reason this man was behind bars. "Um, I'll come back for you."

"Hurry!"begs the bearded man.

Homer rushes back to the Reverend's study. "Reverend, why is there a man in the basement?"

"There is no man. It's your imagination."

"Well, I have been told I have a very vivid imagination. No, no, I'm sure I saw a howling man with a beard. Why are you lying to me?"

The Reverend sits down. "Well, I guess I should tell you. Now understand this, Homer, because it's very important: you will tell no one else of this. Ever." Homer nods. "When I said there was no man, I wasn't lying. He's the devil himself."

Homer gasps. "But how did you capture him?"

"He made a mistake. He got careless. It's because of his excessive pride. Haven't you wondered why there haven't been any unnatural disasters, like war, for the last four years?"

"I thought it was because we couldn't make money off of one."

"No, Homer. It's because I captured the devil four years ago and have been keeping him here ever since. Now, you can't tell anyone. And under no circumstances should you let him out. Do you understand?"

"Yes."

"Good." The Reverend leaves. Homer goes back to the cells.

The bearded man says, "Please, let me out. The Reverend is lying. I'm telling the truth!"

Homer isn't sure what to do. This man doesn't look like the devil. But no, he promised he wouldn't let him out.

"I'll give you a doughnut if you let me out."

"Done!" Homer opens the door and he is handed a pink doughnut with sprinkles. He bites it. "Mmmm. Raspberry." But when he looks up from his reward he realizes he made a big mistake.

The bearded man now has two horns and he smells of brimstone. He was the devil all along! "D'oh! I've really screwed up this time." He hears something like an explosion coming from Lovejoy's study.

When he gets there, the study is an even worse mess and we hear Homer's trademark scream. The Reverend is laying on the floor in a pool of blood and with his entrails ripped. He is barely alive. Even Homer knows he won't survive. "You didn't believe me, did you?" says the dying man.

"No, but I do now. I'm so sorry. He looked like a normal man."

"Yes. He can do that. He can play tricks on us." The life drains from him.

"I-I'll capture him again, Reverend Lovejoy. I promise." The Reverend coughs up blood. Then he dies. Homer weeps,then sets off to right his wrong.

Eventually, Homer meets the devil again and traps him in the attic. (He finds him at a craps table in Las Vegas.) He locks and boards the doors and windows and all other ways out or in. He blocks the main door with a footstool and posts a dozen Do Not Open posters.

But one day Bart goes to the attic, curious. He is somehow able to get it open.

The End(?) of Act 1

Well, I hope you liked that. There is more on the way. Bye.