United States of Hetalia Productions
I was told to start up rping and writing. This was an idea to cheer myself up into writing the other stories again. I came up with it months ago but my muse didn't let me get very far. Writing this is sorta like rping with myself. I don't own Hetalia nor Grimm's fairytales.
Little notes: All of the story is dialogue. The quotation marks are around the parts where they're actually storytelling.
Translations: Bruder means 'brother' and vögelchens mean 'birdies'.
Alright, alright! Gather 'round, vögelchens, the awesome me is going to tell you an almost equally as awesome story!
Let's see... What to tell you all... Aha! The Grimm brothers! Now they told some awesome stories! I remember those two! Jacob acted a bit like West, but Wil knew how to party! Kesesesesese!
Bruder, what are you doing?
Can't you see I'm going to read our almost-as-awesome-as-me guests Grimm's fairytales?
...You don't even have the book open.
I don't need to have it open! I can tell it just fine. West. West, put the book down. Weeeest!
I'm going to tell the story properly.
But you read it like you're one of the voices on Google Translate! You have to put a little awesome feeling when you read it!
I'm pretty such that they would prefer to hear the actual story than listen to your laconic version.
If you're so sure, then start us off, O Master of Storytelling.
Ahem. "Hard by a great forest dwelt a poor wood-cutter with his wife and his two children. The boy was called Hansel and the girl Gretel. He had little to bite and to break, and once when great scarcity fell on the land, he could no longer procure daily bread."
...What the fuck was that, West.
What?
Look what you did! You're putting them to sleep!
Isn't that the purpose of a bedtime story?!
These aren't bedtime stories! They're stories you told your friends around a campfire!
Then why did you tell them to me for bedtime stories?
Because I ran out of my awesome war stories to tell you!
...
Anyways, it's my turn to tell the story!
"The woodcutter said to his wife 'There's no food in the house, what the fuck are the kids going to eat?' and-"
Stop.
What did I do?
YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO USE PROFANITY! THESE ARE CHILDREN'S STORIES!
DO YOU SEE ANY EIGHT-YEAR-OLDS HERE, WEST? NO? I DIDN'T THINK SO!
...Fine. Say whatever you want.
"And the bitchy wife said 'Screw the kids, I want to eat! Let's dump them in the woods tomorrow.' But she didn't know that her step-kids heard her. The oldest said 'Fuck that!' and came up with a plan."
Why do these stories always involve evil step-mothers?
Because imagine if the mothers were telling kids these stories and the Grimms didn't change it to 'step-mother'. The kids would be scared shitless to ever go camping with their mommy ever again. Don't look at me like that! It was the 19th century! They actually thought that would happen!
Whatever. Just continue the story.
Fine, West, sheesh... Where was I again?
'The oldest said 'Fuck that!'...
Oh! Right! "The oldest decided to throw bread crumbs behind them so that they could find their way back. The youngest went 'Vee! Shouldn't we leave something else behind us? What if the birds eat the crumbs?' Then the older went 'Shut the hell up, I know what I'm doing!'"
Are 'Hansel and Gretel' supposed to be Romano and Italy by any chance?
You got a problem with that, West?
...Nein. Continue.
"But birds did end up eating the crumbs and the two kids ended up lost in the woods. The youngest was like 'I told you so' and the oldest was like 'Shut the hell up, it's your fault for no thinking up a backup plan!' And they kept arguing until they smelled the sweet scent of... churros."
Bruder, it's supposed to be a gingerbread house.
Churro, gingerbread, they're both sweet.
How would one even make a house out of churros?
I don't know. How do they make it out of gingerbread? A bigass oven? Anyways. "The older kid started munching on the house. His brother started panicking and went 'You can't eat that! It's someone house! What if they get mad?' 'Well screw them, I'm hungry!' the other said. That's when a tall smiling man came out of the door."
You made Spain the witch? Not Russia, not even France, but Spain?
That's who you'd expect to be the bad guy!
So you made Spain be the bad guy?
Spain's my buddy, he's cool with it.
You asked him?!
"The man said 'Oh dios!'" Don't laugh at the accent, West, I'm trying to be convincing. "'What are two little boys doing here? Are you lost?' The two nodded. So they all went into the house and ate awesome food to their hearts content. Then by next morning, the big brother was in a cage."
Where's your pacing? That escalated quickly.
"So the man made the other brother be his little maid. One day, the older brother noticed the man was leaning over the oven and went 'Push him in! Push him in and let me out of here, dammit!' So the little brother awesomely pushed him in and saved his brother!"
Did Spain approve of this too?
Maybe.
Well, then.
"So after they got out, they ran into their dad somehow! He said he divorced that mean old bitch, moved into the awesome churro house, and they never went hungry again!" The end.
That certainly was... something.
D'aaww, look. The vögelchens are sleeping.
We should go to bed too.
Want me to tell another story-
No.
This idea has been rotting away for nearly a year but I couldn't throw it away since it was halfway done already so I just finished the damn thing and voila!
Review, please.