Disclaimer 1: The opinions expressed in this fanfiction are in no way reflective of those of the Truelove and Truelove agency as a whole, but are merely those of one of its more deranged members. The agency will accept no responsibility for its treasurer's work.
Disclaimer: I don't own Troy. Actually, who does? I don't mean the film, I mean the place. I mean, if they find it, who owns it? I call dibs! Sorry for my puerile sense of humour. If you hate it, you may want to leave now. At speed.
This could have gone in the Odyssey section, but the characters are from the Troy movie so….here it is. The story of how the sequel to the brilliant (I'm choking on my own lies!) film came to be written, followed by the sequel itself.
£££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££I'm rich!
Out of the darkness that enshrouded him, Number One began to speak "The time has come" - he paused, as if daring Numbers Two through Five to interrupt – "to make the sequel to Troy. You may remember that I cunningly ended the previous film with Boromir – sorry, Odysseus, I swear, they look the same though, plus Paris bears no small resemblance to Legolas, another character from the film we never speak of as it has done better than all our 'epics' put together – saying "If they ever tell my story." I am they, my friends, no matter that good grammar says otherwise, and the time has now come to tell that very story."
Tentatively, Number Five raised his hand."But Sir, we killed off all the good characters - even some that weren't actually supposed to die."
Number One silenced him with a withering stare. "Well, Iliad expert I only employed to prevent lawsuits, you may remember that we did not kill Paris. In fact, we went to great lengths not to kill Paris, despite what your precious "classic" had to say about the matter. The Odyssey will be all about Paris and his ten year journey home to Ithaca."
"Don't you mean Odysseus' journey?"
"Who? Oh, Boromir. Why would he be involved?"
"Well…the Odyssey…Odysseus. The King of Ithaca. The one who says "If they ever tell my story"….it just makes sense."
Number One blinked. "Sense? Is that like the way we made Briseis into a Trojan princess for no conceivable reason?"
"Ah, no, Sir, I think you're getting it confused with non-sense."
"Oh, very well." Number One sighed irritably "It will be about Odysseus. But Paris will come into it somewhere. He has to, otherwise the film won't sell. Odysseus is much less sexy."
"NOT TRUE!" said Athena, watching from Mount Olympus.
"I bet you even liked Boromir in the film we never speak of involving dwarves and other non p.c. characters!" laughed Number Three. He was promptly smitten. Smoted. Smited? Thunderbolted. Shaking their heads, Numbers One, Two, Four and Five continued their discussion.
And that was the discussion that led to the conversation that led to the meeting that, after numerous lawsuits, led to…..
Ithaca
(Inspired by Homer's Odyssey, but replacing its magic and gods with gritty realism).
Scene One. A boat.
Odysseus (singing): Ithaca, oh Ithaca, the land I call my home, where Penny spins and Telly runs and Argus bites his bone.
Henchman: Odysseus, there's something you should see.
Three people are dragged onto the ship's deck.
Odysseus: Paris! Helen! Slave!
Henchman: Score! Sexy factor up 100!
Paris: Haha! We smuggled aboard! Who's the clever one now, eh?
Briseis: Paris, that is entirely the wrong attitude to be taking right now.
Helen: Oh, Odysseus, please don't rape us!
Paris: Especially not me!
Odysseus: Who do you take me for, Paris? Achilles? But you Helen, and you, worthless slave…you're the spoils of war. And the only Trojan woman I got to carry off was Hecuba! And then she turned into a dog! Although, she was already a bitch. Geddit?
Paris: That's my mother you're talking about, Greek scum!
Briseis: Paris, that is entirely the wrong attitude to be taking right now!
Helen: Odysseus, we came to you because you are wise and noble, although a Greek.
Odysseus: Go on.
Helen: Also because the passage out of Troy was blocked. When my father tried to sell me to a husband in my girlhood, you, one of my suitors, stopped him and let me choose for myself. So I choose Menelaus, and became so unhappy that I ran off with Paris. So on reflection that was really stupid of you. So-
Odysseus: So, what you're saying is that I'm a good man, and the war was stupid, so I should protect you?
Helen: No, what I'm saying is that you were one of my suitors, so you obviously have the hots for me. So you'll help us.
Odysseus: Okay…although, I am married. To your cousin.
Briseis: Well, a second ago you were talking about raping us!
Odysseus: (continuing regardless) A wife whom I love. VERY MUCH!
Briseis: Hey, don't just ignore me!
Odysseus just ignores herBriseis: I'm a princess of Troy and a priestess of Apollo. DON'T JUST IGNORE ME!
Paris: Just ignore her. She's some deluded slave girl who thinks she's a princess and Achilles' soulmate.
Odysseus: Achilles' soulmate? Is she hiding something under her robes?
Briseis: Why, yes! The dagger with which I stabbed and killed your king Agamemnon!
Odysseus (to Paris): But Agamemnon is alive.
Paris: Another of her delusions.
Odysseus (sighing): Well, I suppose you can stay on board.
In the next instalment (if people review and like this, if not I'll just retreat to a cave and sob):
We meet Penny and Telly!
Paris and Helen share some screen time!
Odysseus and Helen share some screen time!
Odysseus and Briseis share some screen time!
We meet the Cyclops. But not a real Cyclops, obviously. Because they're not real. Obviously. This is just a man with one eye.