k.
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And she's over being something she's not because the fact is Black is her muse and Potter is just her distraction, her safety net and safety nets are the most boring things in the world because you hardly get to feel the wind in your hair when you fall fall fall.
She tries to break it off but life is so much more fun when it's a risk and it's a game, so she toys with Black and he more than willingly obliges. She can see the want in his cold steel eyes and the fact that he wants it so deep it's animalistic and it turns her on and – and, well safety's boring.
James, no – it's Potter to her, it'll always be Potter to her, is too soft and he cares too much for her. She knows she will die young, she doesn't know why but she always knew it, in the darkened moments of the night where her legs are up the wall and her head is just off the bed she knew it. So why live safe when you're going to die before the age of thirty?
Its Black verses Potter, and Potter could never win in her mind because he tried to make it like love-making so much. He was caring and kind, and held her afterwards, where Black doesn't give a fuck and knows she doesn't, he'll do her against a wall if he feels like it and doesn't hold back. She doesn't need barriers in her life or boundaries.
And so it's him she tells her secret to, she tells him that sometimes late at nights when her and Alice would get drunk they'd kiss and she became a part of it as well.
Black, Evans and Alice.
She lets her red hair be loose down her back and over her eyes and when he takes her she doesn't think of love or feelings, she thinks of art and writing and the word fuck is said in her mind so many times that the counters gone over. Numbers are lost and when she takes the ink to her parchment that night she remembers his guttural moan and just writes writes writes.
Potter begins to suspect, so she begins to break it off but like a little boy with something slipping away he holds on tighter than ever and fuck it she just can't be bothered so she continues.
And he must know, deep inside he must know that she's fucking someone else. That when she spends the night in his dormitory she ends up bored and the pleasant feeling in her stomach when she wakes up next to him makes her sick. She washes it down with Black.
Alice stopped touching her after it got a bit too heated.
But fuckit, Evans doesn't need boundaries and when she finds out Alice has taken up Frank on his offer she doesn't care.
Black starts turning into Sirius, not in her mind – but in reality, and reality and her mind are two separate places now. He isn't as rough and as harsh anymore, the rawness has been ebbed away and the want in his eyes has turned into something different. And it sickens her.
And the night he asks her to stay with him is the night she breaks it off, and with a white sheet around his naked body he asks why and all she says is he's too much like James.
He nods his head and lets her leave, that has never been said to him before.
And Potter is still holding on with both hands squeezed tight and she tries to push away but he follows her like a sick, loyal puppy, devoted to his master. She lets him follow and puts a smile on her face and holds his hand, she doesn't let the world realize that all she can think about is fuckfuckfuck and how the world is so much darker in her mind. That's how she likes it though.
Like air when she couldn't breathe Black came back to her, pulling her into the second floor toilets and fucking her in the stall. When she readjusts her skirt he asks whether he's likes James now and she grins and says he isn't. He's back in her life and more than pleasance it's a relief because the normality was getting to her like an annoying twitch you can't get rid of.
Like when James is talking to her and she's not completely focused so he poke poke pokes, and she feels like screaming at him but can't. So she smiles and says she's listening and he continues.
She's never listening.
And on Graduation Day when he asks for her hand in marriage she looks at him in surprise and takes the ring because just maybe she thinks to herself, deep down she does want to be normal. That normalcy and regular beauty will suit her. But again that night all she can think of is that she can't wait to fucking die so that this mess will just be cleaned up.
Because she's over being something she's not, because the fact is that Black is her muse and Potter is just her safety net.
And all she wants is to just feel the wind in her face when she falls.
a/n: Another Sirius/Lily one shot, but completely different from "Disadvantaged from the Start"
Thoughts? Reviews?
All shall be returned.