Vagueness
No matter how strong a person is, everyone needs "Love"
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He's used to vagueness for all of his life…
Because better than anyone else, he knows that life is never about black and white, there's no such clear distinction line between two things.
And so as love or something like that…
For all of his life, Kakashi settles down with ambiguity. Knows everything but pretends to know nothing, sees underneath the underneath but keeps silent all the time, he never expresses his opinion clearly except for that time when he declared his protection for those kiddy underlings when their lives were threatened in their very first mission. Life is easier this way. Ambiguity helps him detach from normal complicated, headache, and good-for-nothing emotions. It helps him to have an empty hand and live a life free from messing up others' living and have his messed up by none.
Did he not recognize her love? Only an idiot like Naruto did. Living a life spanning 33 years, never had the Copy Nin been called an idiot. He did know how she felt. All her affectionate and shy actions she showed whenever she was around him, no matter how subtle, he saw through them all. And he left it right where it was, ignored Rin's love by his natural nonchalance and indistinctness. When Obito died, he blocked Rin's emotions rudely as a punishment for his closest friend's death. He never deserved to feel happiness when Obito lied there, crushed under the heavy rock, while his body was gradually eaten by the cold, heartless dirt.
As years go by, lines become more blurred. Perhaps the silver-haired man gets so accustomed to ambiguity that he himself could not clarify his own emotions anymore.
Especially when she was grown up – 19-year-old medic nin – charismatic, smart and so good at confusing the hell out of an ex-teacher every time they meet.
"Can I borrow your chest for a while?" – she asks with sad deep green eyes slightly glistening with tears and before he could answer, she already clings to him and silently sobs away her secretive melancholy. He never asks "What's wrong?" and she never explains "why" but ever since he suddenly caught her all alone on that top of the hospital, crying and grieving, he becomes her shoulders.
Sakura smiles much less these days and he must admits that he misses that cheerful Sakura but there's nothing he can do about it and he doubted if anyone could. Her parents just died in an Akatsuki's attack even though the poor girl exhausted her chakra to save them. They were simply ordinary civilians and they could not bear it in the end like some ninjas.
The girl still punishes herself since that day.
"Sensei, if you were allowed to choose, do you prefer being a civilian to a ninja?"
"It's silly, I never imagined my life not being a ninja"
"I guess you would say that" – she smiles slightly – " I chose to be a ninja since it used to be my only dream – at that time, for me, being a ninja meant becoming a strong person who could proudly face others and protect yourself. But later on, I realized that I was wrong"
Glanced at her visage for a brief moment while kept on munching the meal from the lunch box she cooked for him, the girl continues:
"It wasn't the occupation that one had but her own effort makes her become stronger and more confident and more capable. I did not learn it until I met Naruto, Lee and you. I'm not innately strong as you and I was being so girlish that I think I can seek protection from others, time with three of you taught me the other things."
"Sometimes, being too strong isn't an entirely good thing" – he relinquishes the sentence and keeps on munching but does not miss slightly widen emerald eyes. He knows she can guess what he means.
Apparently, she understands it and maybe that's the reason she shows it to him – to him only, her weak side, her shameful side that she tries to hide in years.
A lot of people like the new Sakura who is all that great and mighty like her team-mates: the Fox Demon Host and the Last Uchiha – an illustrious medic-jounin at the age of sixteen when she joined the legendary fight that eradicated Akatsuki organization and saved Naruto's life when he was to die after the battle with Pain, then, the head of the Konoha hospital at the age of eighteen when the 5th Hokage was too busy running two positions at the same time and proudly announced that her beloved apprentice already surpassed her in some areas. People admired her like they did with her team-mates and their ex-teacher. Kakashi is no exception. He is also proud of her but at the same time, worries about her. The new Sakura - smiles less, is very serious and often hides her own feelings because of her stupid kindness.
She gave up love not once but twice
When Pain was defeated, Sasuke returned to Konoha, he brought about a team of three and one of them was Karin – a weird girl that loved Sasuke madly. But at that time Sakura already grew out of love with that raven-haired boy, she indeed developed a true love for her faithful, inspirational best friend- Naruto, who in return loved her since the age of 12. She intended to confess her love to him and they could probably move up to a new level after life and death experiences. But life by no mean was that easy. Due to his fatal wound, Sasuke needed Sakura's attention for months. Naruto understood however mistook that Sakura still had feelings for his best friend and decided to step back. At that time, a shy purple-haired, pearl-eyed girl collected all her courage to confess her never-die-down infatuation to the blond boy who was so perplexed and dumbfounded weeks later. And destiny had its own intention when it set Naruto and Hinata in a mission in which the Hyuga senorita nearly sacrificed her life to save the Kyuubi host. That event suddenly turned everything upside down. Naruto was touched to the core and although still being in love with Sakura, he decided to choose Hinata and got married to her soon after that while Sakura bitterly hid and sealed her feeling away forever. At Naruto's wedding, Sakura seemed to be so happy but she acted it so naturally that only Kakashi knew they were fake laughs and smiles and she drank half of the wedding champagne that day. He carried her home on his back while her tears wetted his suit. Her lips murmured Naruto's name the whole time.
Sakura buried herself in work for the next few months with the hope that she could forget Naruto. During that time, Sasuke recovered from the wound but his eyesight deteriorated so fast that he soon became blind. Sakura once again used up all her skills and brain power to find a way to cure his eyes and even his mental illness after years of vengeance-obsession. For more than a year, by her tremendous effort and natural brightness, Sakura saved Sasuke's eyesight and they got close to each other again. Kakashi did not surprise when the last Uchiha finally fell under his pink-haired friend's charm. He would be a big idiot if he did not. Sakura also finally got over Naruto and was ready to move on until Karin stepped in the scene. In fact, she never stopped taking care of Sasuke during his rehabilitation but could not do anything to prevent the emotional growth between the two old teammates until she showed Sakura her secret. All over her arms and neck and shoulders were Sasuke's bites. In actuality, if it had not been Karin's sacrifice, Sasuke would have died long ago. She let him sucked her chakra every time he was near the death's gate or used up too much energy for his magenkyo, which left eternal scars on her skin. Karin begged Sakura to leave Sasuke since she had nothing but him while Sakura actually had a lot of friends and a lot of chances for love in the future. Even feeling very angry with such an absurd request, Sakura being her ridiculously good-natured self again realized that Sasuke owed Karin.
"I don't think I could sacrifice that much for him… if you can really look at her scars" – talked to herself rather than explained to Kakashi when they met again in a bar while she tried to drown herself in wine.
Lying to Sasuke that she could never give him what he wanted and she never had the intention of getting married soon and having kids, Sakura rejected his proposal and quickly took a four month mission with Kakashi, Sai and Yamato. When they were back, Karin already got pregnant and Sasuke was planning the wedding.
"That's for the best" – she smiled – the saddest smile that haunts Kakashi's mind until now.
He really does not understand – Why is she so selfless? Why isn't she selfish for once? Why does she not learn that she deserves all the best? Time after time, she's stick to the annoyingly dense code of ethics that "everyone can be happy if I really try and if it is not the case, I rather have myself suffer rather than being a burden for them"
"But Sakura, you derive not only Naruto and Sasuke from the right to choose but also yourself, is it fair?" – says he, tired of all her pretention to be strong and almighty.
"They're happy now, look at them, sensei, that's fair!" – she grinds out angrily and frustratingly strides away.
They do not meet for a week after that row, when they accidentally meet again, a silent promise that he would never mention it again is passed between them.
Gradually Kakashi learns that Sakura is everyone's, but yet, no one's
Sakura chooses to live that way and he is in no position to tell her otherwise, since he too chooses not to mess up with anyone's life.
And here's the irony. When she was small, weak and incapable, he felt much less attachment to her. Even when he mostly took care of her in every battle they were engaged in, he indeed did not spare much thoughts about her feeling and her thought as he did with Sasuke and Naruto. Now when she's mature, becomes so good, may be too good, at taking care of herself and controlling her emotions, he concerns about her more than anything else.
He could not trace back a particular time when he started to feel something for her, something that he could not explain clearly or perhaps, never could.
Together they formed another blurred line, another ambiguous boundary. They're teacher and student since he still teaches her things, but sometimes she also teaches him heaps of other things that a selfish, indifferent man like him could never fathom. They're friends but deeper than that, friends don't embrace each other bodies and emotions as affectionately as they do. They're far from lovers since lovers share kisses and sweet words and carnal intimate moments while most of the time in each other's company, they're just staying in silence.
The main common point between them may be: no matter what tail or head it turns out, he's always there for her and she always leans on his shoulder.
Sometimes Kakashi seems to be so clear about their relationship but minutes later, he isn't that sure anymore. Things seem to be too complicated but then suddenly turn into nothing, thus, he finally leaves it right where it was in the first place.
After all, being vague is his forte. He doesn't have to be in hurry for that as Sakura is always there…
But maybe he's wrong
She may always be there but she's not always available…
Especially when she is Sakura
"Shishou lets me opt; I don't have to go to Suna if I don't want to. Though I know it's a good opportunity to gather a lot of medical skills, especially in the poison major."
"How long is it?" – asks him still with usual blank and inexpressive look
'One year" – she replies softly and turns around to focus her full attention on his face, and he knows it – the expectant look could not be less blatant – quiet for a long moment then a glint of determination sparks over her eyes, she looks straight in his eyes and intoned with solidity: "If you want me to stay, I'll stay, Kakashi"
For the first time in her life, Sakura addresses him by his first name and at that moment the blurred line breaks.
He's suddenly afraid and before realization totally draws on him, he responds:
"Why should I do that?" – He does not look at her anymore but he knows what she looks like at that moment, he is too used to her disappointing look , ignores it, he continues: "It's a great opportunity for you Sakura, I can't recall any medic nin who is invited to become head of a hospital of another hidden village rather than her home town. You have gift, Sakura, and it will be a waste if you don't exploit it to the best"
"But it doesn't mean I have to go that far and that long, I can still…" – She argues and that longing look still strains on him
"This chance will give you leaps and bounds, Sakura, don't waste it because of something you don't even know what it is" – he cuts short, while bears at her briefly and starts to turn away
She has enough of this, she decides not to be that foolish and stupid again, is it what he's always been teaching her all the year?
"It's you Kakashi, you may be the one who doesn't know it but I'm sure about it, Kakashi, yes, I was so foolish when I gave it up twice before but not this time, that's what you taught me, Kakashi, I have been reflecting our relationship all these years, and it doesn't take me long to realize that I…"
"Sakura" – he nearly grinds out but she cannot see his look because his back is now facing her, he prevents her from saying that line again – "You really have no idea what're you talking about, it's just what you think because you have no one else but me, don't jump to conclusion…" – a short pregnant pause fades in after a long sign, the silver-haired man punctuates: "isn't it better if we always stay like this, Sakura?"
"No it isn't, I can't live like this anymore, maybe you're right, Kakashi, we're different, you can live with your vagueness forever, you can be a coward with your own feeling but I can't"
He hears her sobs again even when they're too quiet but he knows this time, she will cry alone…
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Sakura runs away that day and she has been running away from his life for one full year
When she's back, Sakura still looks the same, still charming and beautiful as always, friends are extremely glad to see her and so does Kakashi. He misses her like crazy for one year. His gnawing, tormenting longing for her makes him restless at nights and he has thousands of things to say to her when they meet again. For one year, he has clarified things that he's afraid of facing up to before, he's a big idiot when he lose his grip on happiness when he actually had in his hands. He wants to turn back time and stops himself from saying those stupid words to her, she was right, he's a coward.
But just one look from her flinches all of his enthusiasm.
She still smiles and laughs and teases him with others about his permanent laziness but her eyes look estranged and unconcerned. Her words, her actions exude a fake and ceremonious friendliness. His Sakura did not look at him that way. The person standing in front of him now is another new Sakura that he doesn't grasp anything from.
The proposal comes in a few days after that. It's a huge event that almost everyone in the village knows about it immediately. He is there in the same ramen shop when she receives the news by her over-enthusiastic blond friend –Ino. Naruto just shrieks like an obnoxious old lady, everybody looks shocked and over-joy at the same time while all her reaction is: "Oh". His heart clenches hard when he witnesses her calm visage. She looks a little bit surprised but also happy, perhaps, she does not think It comes this soon – the official proposal from the 5th Kazekage of Suna – Gaara.
He soon learns that being the head of Suna's hospital is just a pretext. The main mission when Sakura went to Suna is to take care of Kazekage's health when he was suffering from severe mental and physical sequel of having Shukaku withdrawn out of his body. Suna's doctor reckoned themselves unable to do anything for their kage and thus, entreated helps from closest alliance and the girl who Chiyo trust with all her heart before death. Time in Suna grows another thing between that young, gifted and fearsome Kazekage and the foreign beautiful medic. She was helping him in a way that no one can, and in the end, both of life and mentality of the emotionless, socially clueless Kazekage are saved. And different from a self-suspected ex-teacher, the younger man did not think twice when he chose the girl he loved as his first lady right when her mission was finished.
Gaara appears in Konoha a couple of day after that, and even when he still insists on that expressionless look, his eyes obviously lightens and softens when he sees her. They links hand together on streets and he shows very subtle care for her. She's happy. There's no doubt about it. He knows her long enough, well enough to know that there's nothing fake in her smiles for that younger man.
Everything just happens so fast and so smoothly that he felt like watching a happy movie that he wants to stop because he's totally excluded from that blissful atmosphere but is unable to do so. But it's his fault. He has no one else to blame. He did not treasure happiness when he had it just because he wanted to stick to that irrational vagueness he set up himself with the hope that he can hide in it forever and evade all the complicated emotions that he cannot control.
Ironically, he teaches her to stop being so strong and to be more honest with her feelings while he does the total opposite…
Yes, Life is never about black and white, and ambiguity is indeed one essential nature of it. But when that vague wall starts shaking and crumbling because something much more powerful want to break through, he should have stepped out of it and been courageous to face it – but he didn't do that and now chance passed by and he's sitting there, looking at the only girl he loves kissing her newly-wedded husband…
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Just a strange moment when I write this story, a few cloudy and suddenly cold days in Brisbane inspires me to write a story about regret and loneliness.
I do believe that love can be built up in special situation that calls "fate" but it's not the only factor. You may wonder why Sakura's so easily in love with many guys in this story but she has a reason for it, right? and she's not to be blamed for all the heart-break she has to suffer. The only person that Sakura loves without a special situation and by gradual emotional build-up is Kakashi, sadly, he just realizes it when it's too late…