Disclaimer: I don't own a damn thing which most certainly includes the characters that appear in this story.
A/N: This is unapologetically AU meaning there is very little about this that resembles canon-compliant. (The title alone should be your first clue of how this story rolls.) I mean who really wants to read canon-compliant shit now anyway? So in other words this has no OUaT style bad soap opera storylines, splits (banana or otherwise, plus I've already done my time with SplitQueen) or the bumbling-useless-toxic love interests up in here.
_It Starts With A Tingle In The Cooch_
"Are you always this much of an idiot or just when I'm around?"
Lunch used to be just lunch to Emma. A grilled cheese here a hot chocolate there. Greasy onion rings in between. And then she started having lunch with Regina because let's face it Regina is anything but boring to be around. Sure Regina can do her grade A sarcastic asshole thing faster than a Porsche can go from zero to sixty. But even when Regina's gone full supercritical masshole she's still fun. Besides, banter and snapping has always been the way that they communicate.
Emma can take what Regina dishes out better than anyone but today Emma decided to have her own brand of laughs with Regina. A snide comment about her intelligence or lack thereof isn't enough to sour Emma's plans. So Emma ignores Regina's jibe and continues to click away on her laptop. Getting Regina to look wasn't difficult; it was easy and all Emma did was snag Regina's mayoral 'I'm in charge and you're not' chair when she got up to go to the bathroom.
"Is this your idea of humor, Emma? Do you believe I'm stupid enough to think that what I'm looking at is credible? And furthermore why in the hell would any one consider paying for any of this crap?"
Emma grins and taps on her laptop's touch mousepad, "Do you honestly think that I have the time to build a website only to call it 'Goop' and then use it to try to swindle people into buying my secret stash of snooty overpriced junk?"
"Well, I'm not convinced. So if you did then my hats off to you for turning a corner straight into vapid thief."
"Ugh, no. Look the point of this was to get you to laugh. Or if you didn't at least I'd still get a front row seat on some of your world class snark when you saw some of the stuff. And the articles that we'll get to in a minute."
When Emma started having lunch with Regina it was because she wanted to get to know Regina more and find better ways to annoy her. Half the adventure in the beginning for Emma was more often than not eating like a heathen.
But after the first few times Emma realized it just made her look dumb and like she needed to be locked in a highchair while being strangled by a messy bib that says: 'If you can read this my invisibility cloak isn't working'.
Or in Regina-nease which is the first language of hot sassy mayors; Emma was willfully presenting herself as the slowest coach on the road, the dullest knife in the drawer, a few fries short of a happy meal. The list could go on like Celine's titanic narcissistic heart.
"So, a Hollywood actress, not you, is responsible for this...'Goop'?"
"Yeah, that's her preferred nickname. Which says a lot considering its slang for a sloppy, flabby, loose vagina."
"And you're showing me this because you like her? You've seen some of her movies?"
"Hell no I don't like her. How could I? She's as useless as an ashtray on a motorcycle. And no I've not wasted time off my life watching her movies. But I did end up watching one of them by accident. See Jude Law and Kate Winslet are in it but anyways the actress responsible for this lifestyle website; her disease spreading character died in that movie, so it was all good."
"And to think you're Snow White's and the Shepherd's white magic wielding daughter."
"So? And your point is, Madam Mayor?" Emma shrugs as she navigates off the products page for now, away from where the cheapest thing is a single shoelace that's eight bucks, to the articles. Emma selects an older entry and then opens the link. "Forget about my parentage and please have a look at this?"
Regina grimaces and turns her gaze back to the new page open on Emma's laptop screen, "V-Steaming?"
"Keep reading...aloud, please?"
Regina sighs, "V-Steaming is an energetic release not just a steam douche that balances female hormone levels. And the real golden ticket is the Mugworth infused V-Steam. You sit on a mini throne and with the aid of a humidifier a combination of infrared and Mugworth steam cleanses your uterus. The wormwood cleanse isn't a bad deal either."
Emma is barely hanging on. Regina's super serious voice reading about how you should get your coochie steamed is too much. Emma needs to laugh so fuckin' bad but so does Regina and that's why Emma's brought her laptop with her to lunch at Regina's office.
Plus, there isn't a hell of a lot for the Sheriff to do right now and Savior duties have also slowed in demand. Not that Emma is missing all the batshit crazy that comes with the Savior title. Emma is looking forward to the day when she can shuck the title like an extra five pounds of stubborn fat.
Regina shakes her head, "Hmm, why doesn't she just shove some yogurt up there too with a hot iron? I'm sure the results would be just as beneficial."
Emma snorts and squeezes her eyes closed but then her laugh bursts out of her long and loud. After a few seconds it gets out of control really fast. Emma sounds like a hiccupping hyena. See this is why Emma wanted to show Regina one of the best examples of a haughty bitch on the planet.
Miss Goop could probably get behind and endorse a Hundred Dollar-A-Month Toilet Tissue Pad Subscription that provides your ass with vitamin B5 and Zinc each time you wipe which makes for one healthy asshole. But Regina's sass that is some seriously priceless shit. And at this point why stop at seconds or even thirds when you're on a roll?
"Tell me if this might be something I could get you as a gift once I get a raise?" Emma says knowing full well that she's winding Regina up again. "How would you feel about some Sex Dust? It comes in a cute two ounce jar and its sixty dollars a pop. It's supposed to be and I quote: 'An etheric potion from the cosmos to save the human race'."
"Surely, you can't be serious."
"I am and don't call me Shirley."
Regina scoffs because she's well aware of the movie Emma is quoting as though the movie is the equivalent of memorizing and then understanding one of Einstein's advanced theorems.
"Sex Dust?" Regina says while her nose wrinkles in disgust. "That sounds like something Blue probably peddles on the sly when her candles don't sell."
Emma smirks, "That's a really good one."
"I know."
Regina grins and goes back to reading over the website Emma's so keen on showing her. It's all so utterly insane. Clearly, this actress's level of stupidity is a force to be reckoned with and ridiculed.
"Wait, that article says she's been stung by bees on her face and that it's an old treatment called Apitherapy and it's used to get rid of inflammation and scarring?" Regina's eyes are wider than normal. How and why is this woman taken at face value? "To me it sounds like something I should've thought of as a useful tool when I was after your mother."
"Yes, well you'll just have to put a pin in that plot against my mother and then let it go."
"I could still do it you know. It's not like Snow and I are best friends."
"Sure you are."
"What!"
"My Mom loves you, Regina. You two are past hurting each other. Physically anyway."
"You've been hit in the head a fair amount haven't you? That has to be the cause of all your fanciful notions."
Emma rolls her eyes, "Well, you and I played punch-out in the graveyard and then things slowly got better after that. You've got a pretty decent right hook by the way. Then you and MM duked it out on the ship ride to Neverland. You two finally started working through some of your festering issues to everyone's relief."
"Your mother belongs on one of those T.V. commercials where the smiling housewives are peddling cleaning products. And the people watching only really want to buy whatever meds the happy housewives are on."
Emma fingers twitch over the keyboard, "I'll sic my happy-happy-joy-joy mom on you. Yeah, imagine all the things you'll have to chat about or maybe she'll do all the talking and you'll be stuck listening?"
"Miss Swan, speaking with your mother is about as appealing as playing leapfrog with a bunch of unicorns."
Emma bites down on her lower lip and closes her eyes. Regina is damn funny and the super gay image of horny unicorns isn't helping. Emma clears her throat and opens her eyes.
"Check this out she even has a travel app you can get."
Both of Regina's dark eyebrows raise high on her forehead as she reads the title, "And the best she can come up with is to call it is: G-Spotting? It sounds like a venereal disease."
"Eh, she's got a vagina theme going and I don't blame her for not wanting to break up the band so to speak. And hey we both know that Goop is going to milk that shit until the bank accounts of all the born suckers runs dry."
Regina smiles and the next few minutes are pleasantly amusing and disturbing given the entertainment Emma has saw fit to subject Regina to. The blog and website are a joke to Regina. The recipes are questionable and the lifestyle advice isn't any more credible. To Regina it seems as though the woman sat down and typed out her catharsis that she attained while shit-faced.
"A fast food guide? Isn't that counterproductive to her pandering healthful ways of living?"
"Regina, one of this woman's ideas of clean living is kicking back with a nice bottle of quinoa whiskey."
"Are people honestly afraid to speak up about this woman's grossly bad advice and health practices?"
"No, and of course they do. You just have to know where to look. My favorite put-down is from a couple of years ago. Martha Stewart basically told Gwyneth she needed to shut the fuck up cause she's only a movie star."
Regina chuckles darkly and damn if the sound doesn't get to Emma in the right fucking way. Regina Mills has got to be the hottest woman on the planet and that's not just because she can make magical fireballs.
"Hey, you wanna to see a picture of her?" Emma knows the perfect picture so she deftly pulls up the fugly jumpsuit getup and enlarges it to fill the whole damn screen. "But um, a friendly warning don't look too close at it or you'll see her camel toe."
"Thanks for pointing that out, Miss Swan."
"Always happy to help any way I can, Your Majesty. And be thankful we're not seeing a mooseknuckle."
Regina rolls her eyes and reaches around Emma and taps her finger on the touchpad to dismiss that fashion blunder to the background. That jumpsuit is enough to give her nightmares. Regina then scrolls the screen down on another open tab until something else less visually scarring catches her eye.
"This woman is obsessed with her vagina. Which is fine for her but she's damn well not telling me what to do with mine, Miss Swan."
Emma smirks and pushes Regina's hand out of the way and clicks the link for the full story. Emma can tell that Regina is reading over her shoulder; hell she's counting on it. Never mind that Emma can smell Regina's perfume even stronger the closer Regina gets.
"I will never buy a sixty-six dollar Jade Egg let alone insert it into my vagina! I don't care if it's a guarded secret of Chinese royalty; Queen's and concubines alike!" Regina snarls and hell yeah that sassy ire is funny as hell. Emma slowly scrolls down again so Regina can see the quantity the website has in stock. "You've got to be kidding me. Well that doesn't say much for the outside world though when something like that sells out. What the hell are these women thinking?"
Emma nibbles on the inside of her lower lip, "Might be some dudes in there too. And maybe they're all desperate for something hard that lasts and doesn't make a mess in the end?"
"Then they should buy a dildo like a sane person."
Emma hums out a laugh and promptly works her keyboard magic. If that's what Regina thinks a sane person should do well then Emma will show Regina what has to be one of the most expensive and pretentious fake dicks to ever be pimped by an ego-surfing hot mess.
"She sells a fifteen thousand dollar gold dildo! Does that include sales tax?"
Emma grins, "Maybe she thinks it's safer than boring old medical grade silicone? She seems like the type whose needs something extra special to shove up her noonerhole."
Maybe it's Emma's crass wording or how the Sheriff's mind works in general but Regina shoulders begin to shake as a deep throaty chuckle erupts from her. The sound is incredible and Emma swivels in Regina's chair and chuckles along with her friend, co-parent and so much more. Regina has such a beautiful laugh.
"What? Was noonerhole too much for ya?"
Regina laughs harder and starts delicately wiping under her eyes, "As physically attractive as she is I bet she inspires a lot of what you would call 'hate fucking' fantasies from her male plebeian admirers."
"Yeah, I bet they all want to goop all over her."
Regina snorts and slaps her hand down on her desk's top a few times. Regina's on the verge of tears again. She hasn't laughed this much in years. Damn Emma Swan and her ridiculousness and the internet too. Regina's face is starting to hurt from all the smiling and Emma is probably patting herself on the back while high as a giraffe's ass on smugness for making Regina lose her decorum.
"Speaking of male admirers I wonder if I called your handless boyfriend gay would he hit me with his man purse?"
"Hook's not my boyfriend and you know that." Emma's so tired of Regina's jealous jabs. Once is enough and twice is one time too many. But having to keep hearing about how she's hooking up with Hook on the down low is too damn much. "I do have standards you know."
"Since when? And does Hook know your heart doesn't belong to him?"
Regina was going to say something much nastier but the word vagina has been used an obscene amount already. Not that vagina's are obscene. Regina's quite proud of her vagina. And if a person had to look at genitals all day it's safe to say that breasts are the most pleasing body part to look at whether you like them or not. Regina feels a deep pity and revulsion for people who chose to become proctologists and what they're paid to see every single day.
"Why are we wasting time talking about him?"
"You misunderstand this is me just getting started with raking him over hot coals of distain for the day. Or haven't you noticed that the handless wonder still skulks around you and that behavior alone is suspect."
"Skulks?"
"Oh don't play coy with me, Miss Swan. We both know Hook's wet dream is to assault you with his deadly weapon."
"Eww! Stop talking about Hook unless you want me to start having severe internalized Neverland PTSD flashbacks."
"Then you shouldn't have kissed him, Emma. I mean the thought alone of kissing him is traumatizing enough much less actually doing it."
"How many times do I have to say it was a bad call? If I could take it back I would. Hell, if it makes you feel better let me tell you I went through a whole tube of toothpaste the first free half an hour I could get in the bathroom at MM's the minute we got back from Neverland."
Regina purses her lips, "I bet you didn't even think to go to the clinic and get tested?"
"What the fuck? It was just a kiss without any tongue. And even if someone had a loaded gun to my head back in Neverland it's not like I pushed Hook down on the nearest rock, so he could get his ass scratched up, and then made rough dumpster love with him until he screamed uncle to save my life."
"Ugh, spare me the gory details, Miss Swan."
Emma sighs because Regina is genuinely a little pissified now. Why in the hell can't a single day go by without Emma having to hear about Hook? Emma frowns and swivels back towards Regina's desk and clicks away on her laptop looking for something to bring the mood back up. Emma quickly spots the very thing and it's recent about Goopy's burgeoning empire and she hits the link. Emma smells Regina's perfume as she leans down to read over Emma's shoulder again.
"Oh God, she's launching a magazine now? And to think your mother and six of her petite boyfriends called me evil."
Emma chuckles; she gets the joke. Dopey doesn't speak, "Imagine how great that's gonna be though? I bet people are hungry for even more Goop insight since Gwyneth is into earthing therapy and anal sex."
"Anal sex? Hmm, I guess her vagina's too steamed and floppy to receive guests. But I hope that idiotic woman knows that if she indulges in too much anal penetration that she'll be shitting on herself sideways in her diaper when she gets older."
Emma's eyes are watering as she doubles over and falls out of Regina's office chair and hits the floor laughing. Regina chuckles and pulls the chair away from Emma and sits down. The picture of Gwyneth posing in that god awful jumpsuit is still open in another tab window and yes Regina can see her camel toe. And it's an even more frightening sight the second time around. Regina will make sure that Snow accidently sees it sometime soon. But first Regina is going to make her idiot girlfriend pay some tribute to her lady parts.
_END_
Soundtrack: "It's All About The Benjamins" by Puff Daddy & the Family
Final Words:Those nutbar stories about GP inspired this. And hey, there's a joke there in those initials about a popular body fixture peeps lurve to slap on Emma to ground-n-pound Regina with ALOT in this fandom. I can't stress it enough that this was just for shits and giggles. How can you not laugh at cray-cray Gwyneth? I swear every time that woman opens her mouth anything but flower petals fall out.