Itachi Struggles With Sasuke
Chapter 1
Story: Two-shot
Rating: T (for language)
Genre: Parody, humour
Pairing (s): SasuSaku and Naruhina later in Chapter 2
Disclaimer: Naruto is not mine, it's Kishi's.
Summary: Itachi struggles with his dearest brother during the fight against Kabuto, and Sasuke is given romantic advice and an apology.
A/N: A totally whacked up version of what I would've liked to happen when the Uchiha Bros were totally kicking ass against Kabuto and a bit after that.
It all started when Sasuke and Itachi finally got the chance to talk to each other.
"Be careful Sasuke, we don't know what he's capable of."
"Hai, Itachi."
Snakes flew at the brothers in every direction, attempting to poison and kill their prey. But the Uchiha Bros, kept on slicing them down and down. They knew Kabuto was lurking in the shadows just waiting for his moment to attack.
Kabuto wanted to tire out Sasuke by sending this endless amounts of Snakes, in order to make him an easier target. After all, Orochimaru died because of this brat, and Kabuto was making a long, long list as to how he would torture Sasuke for that. As for his brother, he would deal with Itachi later.
The Uchiha Bros. kept at the slicing of the snakes, but at some point it began to get boring and while they concentrated on the fight, Sasuke wanted to sort a few issues he had with his brother.
"Itachi, you know how you killed our clan and you didn't tell me was under the orders of the council and then I killed you and Madara had to tell me? Well you should know that I am severely traumatised-"
"Yes, yes I know. I fucked up. I admit it. Now can we get back to focusing on something a little more important than your issues? We kind of have the whole Shinobi Alliance fates' in our hands." Did Itachi seriously dismiss his own brother like that? No way in hell was Sasuke going back down now.
"What matters now is that you give me answers. Answers to why the hell you listened to the council and killed our clan, and why the hell you lied to me about it." Sasuke activated his Eternal Mangekyou Sharingan and formed his Susann'o to protect him from the snakes. He then crossed his arms and waited for Itachi's answer.
"Well?" Sasuke inquired, foot tapping the ground impatiently.
Itachi activated his Sussan'o which started to slice at the snakes, and looked at his brother with irritation.
"Are you seriously going to jeopardize people's lives because you want answers about your shitty past?" Sasuke gave him a hard look.
"Yes."
"You are such a stupid child."
"At least I'm not the one with wrinkles."
"I'm dead you idiot, of course I have wrinkles."
Kabuto watching from the shadows, decided to just watch for the time being and wait for the argument to be sorted out. While watching, he ordered a snake to bring popcorn to him immediately. This was going to going to be quite a show.
"...You had them before you were dead."
"So did your mum."
"Your mum is my mum and did you seriously just use a mum joke after you were the one who murdered her?"
"Too soon?"
"Yes it was too soon, I still have nightmares about it!"
"My bad little brother, I'm sorry I have caused you such anguish."
"Then why the hell did you do it?"
"Because the Uchiha were going to cause a civil war between them and the village and it had to be stopped before it could happen."
"And you acted out the order because...?"
"Because it was to save you, because I knew if I did it, you would be spared."
"Che. That's what Madara told me. I am surprised he told the truth."
"Madara's a fool for telling you the truth, and you're a fool for siding with him by the way."
"And why is that, Itachi?"
"Well look what it's caused. You have decided to go against Konoha and kill every soul who resides there, correct?"
"Correct, because they are the reason why you are gone, and why Okaa-san and Otou-san is gone and why the clan is gone. What's worse is that the village doesn't know about it, and yet they are happy because the all of us are gone. They laugh at our pain."
"Wow. I really did fuck up, didn't I?"
"No shit, Itachi. You kind of ruined my life and set me on a path of revenge when I was an 8 year old child."
"Ah yes, it seems that my calculations were incorrect after all. I thought that you would stay in Konoha for one, and even when you defected from the village I thought that after you killed me you might have returned, and because you killed an Akatsuki member, all your punishments would be minimal."
"You didn't assume that Madara was going to tell me the truth, did you?"
"...He gave me his word."
"Nii-san, I can't believe you trusted an Akatsuki member, who is the notorious Uchiha Madara for that matter."
"I was desperate, okay?"
"No, Itachi. You were just stupid."
"I'm stupid? You left the village and your teammates for Orochimaru. Orochimaru."
"So what? Konoha was weak. They refused to teach me anything that would make me stronger."
"No, you just wanted to get away from your teammates because they were deterring you from your path of vengeance."
"...shut up."
"Admit it Sasuke, Naruto was like a brother to you."
"That Dobe is a ninja of Konoha. I must kill him."
"Kakashi was like the father you never had."
"I did have a father, until you decided to kill him."
"Well what about that Haruno girl?"
"She tried to kill me." Itachi noticed the inflection of emotion in Sasuke's voice and almost smirked.
"Lovers' quarrel gone bad?"
"We are nothing of the sort."
"Ah, but you wish you were."
"No I don't." Itachi simply ignored his brother.
"Well I wouldn't blame you, despite that fact that she tried to kill you, she is quite attractive. And who knows? You might have another chance with her if you choose the right path again."
"That will never happen."
"Is that so? Well then, if you see her next time, tell her that I think she's rather beautiful."
"I wouldn't dare."
"Jealous, Sasuke?
"No, I just have a feeling I won't see her again. Hn. Not that I care anyway."
Itachi sighed. "Sasuke, obviously you have been deprived at Sound. Have you even kissed a girl yet?"
"Why the hell is that your business? Why should I tell you?" It seems Itachi's suspicions were correct.
"Tsk, tsk Sasuke. You have a long way to go with women. Especially since you caused one to try and kill you. By the way, did you try and kill her after she attempted to murder you?"
Sasuke looked away guiltily.
"Sasuke...you are an idiot, you know that?"
"What? She tried to kill me after I fought with Danzo and I was caught off guard and-"
"I don't care. And who actually attacked first, you or Haruno?"
"...me."
"Didn't our mother tell you to treat women with respect? No wonder she wanted to kill you."
"Alright, alright I know, I basically ruined the relationship between us and she probably doesn't love me anymore even though it's been years she confessed and-" Itachi cut Sasuke off.
"She confessed to you?! When was this? What did you say back?"
"I don't see how this is important but anyways, it was on the night I left Konoha for Sound. And I didn't exactly respond to her feelings, after she confessed I...knocked her out and left her on a bench."
Somewhere in the darkness a voice sounding very, no, extremely similar to Kabuto's yelled.
"You asshole!" Itachi nodded his head in agreement.
"Kabuto's right, you are an asshole, and right after this fight, you are to go to this girl, apologize to her sincerely for the pain you have caused her, and you are to sweep her off her feet. And then eventually get married and repopulate the clan."
"...why the hell are you so intent on getting me in with someone?"
"Because I like this girl, she has talent and determination and not to mention she's good-looking so that's a bonus. Plus, no one other than her will love you in that way, since you basically ward off anything that gives you affection, that is if she even loves you anymore, which she probably doesn't. And that is because you are a piece of shit."
"Okay, I get it."
"Oh and while you're at it, apologise to Naruto and Kakashi as well, because they had to put up with your angst for awhile and your angst levels drives everyone insane."
"Oh, I wonder who caused it?"
"At least you could've handled it a little bit better."
"How so?"
"Well, for one you shouldn't have tried to kill to your teammates, especially your potential lover-"
"She's not my lover-"
"But you wish she was."
"J-Just shut up Itachi."
"Did you just stutter?"
"No."
"Oh man, you've got it bad."
"What the hell?"
"Like as in really bad, in fact, you're whipped." Itachi proceeded to make a whipped gesture, adding a sound for an affect.
"Itachi. Shut. The. Hell. Up." Sasuke growled, baring his teeth.
"Did I touch a nerve?"
"Hn."
"So the great Uchiha Sasuke is too proud to admit he loves his teammate and even worse, he's whipped-"
"Itachi, I won't hesitate in killing you again."
"Perhaps I should send a leash to Haruno, I'm sure she'll get the message."
"You're not allowed to communicate with her whatsoever."
"Fine, fine. I promise." Itachi smirked, maybe he could find a way to kill Kabuto and still live, well...remain active and set up a date for these two clueless teens.
"Just why the hell are you so intent on getting us together again? Because you hardly know Sakura and I'm sure if I went for another girl you would also support that."
"Never."
"Why's that?"
Itachi looked Sasuke straight in the eye and breathed slowly.
"Because I ship you guys so hard."
"You're not serious."
"Oh I am definitely serious Sasuke. I ship SasuSaku all the way."
Sasuke turned away from his brother, god give him the strength to understand and be patient with Itachi, before he makes sure his brother will never rise from the dead again.
"SasuSaku?" Sasuke pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to contain his irritation. Why must Itachi get so involved in even his love life? Well, lack of it, according to Itachi.
"Your shipping name."
"Sounds stupid."
"You're stupid."
"How old are you again?"
"Don't you know it's rude to ask how old someone is?"
"Oh, I'm sorry, I wasn't aware that I was talking to a woman dealing with age issues."
"Wow, Sasuke. There was no reason for you to be so...sassy."
Sasuke nearly choked. "...Sassy?"
"Your attitude is getting worse by the minute. Perhaps everyone should start calling you Sassy Sasuke?"
Kabuto gasped with awe from the shadows. "It's p-e-r-f-e-c-t. That name suits him so well. Good job Itachi!"
"Thanks Kabuto."
Sasuke nearly pulled his hair out. "Aren't we supposed to be killing this guy?"
"Yes, but currently we are his source of entertainment for the moment and to take that away from a man that is about to die is extremely cruel."
Kabuto put his hand over the place where his heart was situated. "Itachi...I never thought that you would allow me to have such a privilege."
"I'm only being a good samaritan Kabuto, it's my duty as a human being."
Sasuke growled. "Itachi."
Itachi turned his attention back on Sasuke. "Yes, Sasuke?"
"You managed to kill our clan and torture me for most of my life but yet you become this good samaritan for a person that defiled graves and disrespected the dead."
Itachi tilted his head in contemplation. "I suppose you are right little brother."
The next half hour, you could only hear the agonized screams of a demented Kabuto and evil laughter from both of the brothers coming from a cave somewhere in a forest.
Once Kabuto was dead, Itachi somehow found a way to cast the reanimation jutsu on himself, in order to remain "alive", without the use of a sacrifice.
"So...what do we do now?" Sasuke shuffled his feet, looking the ground.
"Well now that the 'zombies' are finally gone, I think it might be time to kill Madara."
"Do you think we'll be up to doing that?"
"Sasuke, it doesn't matter whether or not we are up to it, we have to prevent Madara from ever succeeding his plan."
"So do we just walk into the war scene casually and expect the Shinobi Alliance to believe that were on their side? By the way, why am I helping them again?"
"You're helping them because you realise now that there is no point killing everyone in Konoha, because that means you would be killing your friends and your lover."
"Remind me to chidori you straight to hell once this war is over."
"You shouldn't get so angry over being embarrassed, little brother. It's unattractive, and it might scare away Sakura."
"Tch, whatever."
A silence ensued between the brothers for a while as they tried to plan their entry into the Shinobi Alliance. Once Itachi and Sasuke had finished, they started to move forward to the main battlefield, mentally preparing themselves for the fight of their life.
An hour later they reached the end of the forest which lead them to a sight of an enraged 10 tailed beast and many shinobi preparing to give up their life.
" Sasuke?"
"What is it Itachi?"
"Let's go fuck some shit up."
I'm thinking of making this a two shot story, purely because it's fun to write and I want to write about the parody of Sasuke meeting Sakura in the war again.
Anyways, I hope you enjoyed the story! And just a reminder this was for fun, so if the grammar or spelling is incorrect, it was because I was slack and just genuinely did not give a shit.
Rate, review, etc, etc