Connie sighed. Everyone was gathered around the table with only a dim oil lamp for lighting in the middle. It was pitch black outside and the faces of the people in the room were glum and most of all, stressed. Jean was hung backwards over his chair, nose pointing to the ceiling, Eren was staring into the space right past Armin who sat across him, and Sasha was being Sasha plus her potato in hand as a companion. Mikasa sat quietly next to Eren, Armin stared holes into the table with huge, serious eyes, Historia completely silent, and Connie? Connie was sighing, arms crossed over his chest.
"Haah…" He sighed particularly loud this time with some frustration mixed in.
"Ugh, Connie, please." Jean brought himself forward, leaning his elbows against the wooden plank. He laughed and pointed a finger at him. "Stop looking so constipated."
"What the hell Jean?!" Connie shouted. He mumbled complaints and curses under his breath and shook his head. "Uh, guys? I know we're all down serious and stuff with us kind of being the bad guys but, this has been bothering me for a while now…"
"Yes, what could possibly be bothering you more than us being freaking terrorists?" Eren said.
Silence flooded the room again. Connie stood, shaking and sweating so much for so long, even Mikasa had to say something. As she opened her mouth, Connie blurted out.
"I've been wondering for a long time now and I wanna hear what you guys think! Is Ms. Hanji a Miss or Mister!?"
"What does that even mea—." Eren started but was splendidly cut off.
"I-I…Have any of you seen how buff she's been lately? Those friggin' broad shoulders, squarish face, non existent cleavage, those glasses, that face, the non existent boobs, the face and—" Connie stopped abruptly to catch his breath. "Shit, damn, oxygen, she, I mean, he, Mister, there was oh my god." He wheezed and wheezed. "Oh my, I can't."
"Holy shit Connie, calm down." Eren tried to get him calmed and breathing properly. No one else had yet to recover from his dramatic outburst and froze in place, giving the thought of Hanji possibly being a man sink in. He said boobs, some minds commented.
"Uh, uh.." Eren glanced at the others' faces in panic. He didn't know what to do. "Connie! Please just breathe properly and snap out of your mind. Look at Jean! Because of you his horse face is drooping from shock and it looks really, really gross to look at!"
Next thing Eren knew, Connie had dropped onto the floor rolling everywhere, laughing hard.
"E-Eren…H-how could you…I cannot unsee!" He hid his face behind both hands, cackling.
"What did you just call me, Yeager boy!?" Jean snapped out of his daze. He stood up, slammed his hand down on the table, a vein popping on his face. Eren's ears perked at the sound of a horse neighing at him and it annoyed him to no end.
"Damn it, do you have to get your ears cleaned now or something Christie Cookie!?" He yelled back, purposely leaving some sprays of spit to land on Jean's face.
Jean wiped his whole face with his sleeve, disgusted. "Hah!? What is this a spit contest? Or can you not speak properly that you have saliva spewing out of your mouth every time you open it?" He paused, narrowing his eyes. "What the hell's…Christie Cookie?"
Sasha, whose back never left the wall she leaned on, never stopped taking bites of that potato in her hand, decided to pitch in. "Sounds like a good cookie. Where do they sell those? Does Jean have them on him? Don't tell me Jean's the cookie, aha of course not. Are you serious?" She tackled Jean, knocking the air out of him as she patted every inch of his clothing, searching for cookies.
"..Sasha, if Jean was the cookie, it wouldn't taste like one. Not at all." Eren shook his head slowly.
"Stop it Sasha!"
"Cookies, where are they, where'd you hide them, give it here!" Sasha pushed Jean down onto the floor, her drool pouring out and soaking his shirt wet.
"Hm…" Historia hummed. "So Eren…"
Eren turned to look at her. "Yeah?"
The blonde smirked, chuckling. "You talk like you know what Jean tastes like." She spoke mockingly like a know it all. As if she truly had been a witness to such a scene.
"What the fuck!?" Eren and Jean both yelled in unison. Somehow Connie's voice ended up in that chorus. Jean peered up from the floor, cheeks red from the effort of pushing Sasha's face away from his. Connie flung an arm over the table, trying to push himself off the floor where he'd been laughing his face off. His chin rested on the surface and smirked mischievously.
"Did I hear that right? Just now, what Historia said?"
Snapping could be heard and everyone's but Armin's eyes turned. Mikasa was trembling at the same time, still. She broke a part of the table and crushed the wood into tiny pieces in her hand.
"Of course not Connie," she said perfectly calm, "there's no way Eren would do anything like that. I know best."
Sasha sweat dropped and let out a weak laugh. "Haha…That's true. I also don't think Jean would let him near him…" She blinked. She blinked a couple of more times to make sure she saw things right and it wasn't just her imagination. "Jean…don't tell me you're embarrassed?"
"Hah?! I'm not you idiot!" Jean retorted, slightly turning pink and looking away from Sasha's gaze.
"Gurgh.." Eren clapped his palm over his mouth. "Oh I feel sick." He was slowly turning pale, colour draining from his skin. Jean being embarrassed? That's alright but when he thought about why he might be turning a little pink…
"Are you okay, Eren?" Mikasa patted his back in a comforting way. She glared daggers when Historia exploded in a giggling fit. She was beginning to get sick of this petite girl's actions: How she laughed at everything like she was a psycho, her pretty face existing and most of all accusing Eren of 'tasting' Jean.
"Hey." She said, her eyes a deep black. Historia merely smiled back, her hands neatly clasped together on her lap, giving off a refined and innocent image. Mikasa grabbed her shirt collar upwards and closed in on her face. She gave a dirty look and hovered above her ear whispering, but loud enough for everyone in the room to hear, "Now, don't you think it'd be best for you to shut that little lying mouth of yours?" The black haired woman shoved the other by the collar until they hit the wall. She inched her face towards the blonde, glaring hard as if trying to burn the person in front of her. Historia could feel the other's breath tickle her cheek, yet she paid no attention to that and stared straight ahead.
"You," she touched Mikasa's hair, "are you hitting on me?" She kept a poker face.
Sasha finally got off Jean and whistled in the direction of the two females. Jean pushed his hand against the floor to set himself sitting upright. "It's getting hot in here guys, hot like how you play hot potato kind of hot." Eren deadpanned. Horse face deadpanned. Armin's empty expression somehow turned even more emptier and shrunk in itself. There was dead silence so dead that it hurt the ears. The door suddenly whammed open, revealing two figures and a loud voice.
"Hello guys, I thought I'd heard the phrase steamy yuri action. Where is it? I need samples asap." It was Hanji. Swinging her head left, right, up, and down, searching every part of the room occupied with the young adults, she finally laid her eyes upon two individuals. Mikasa and Historia were in their own dreamy land; one glared with anger and the other with yearning in their eyes. She pointed a finger at the Mikasa and Historia who looked like, in Hanji's eyes, pushed up against the wall for a make out session. Before Hanji could lunge herself forward, the figure behind her grabbed her cape and pulled her behind onto the stony ground.
"Hanji, leave the shitty brats alone to do their things." Levi scrunched his eyebrows at the scenery of the young adults. He analyzed what each person was doing in his head. Sweeping dazed out brat, potato moron drooling, bald brat laying on the floor possibly dead, angry woman make out session and horse shit face and out of place shittiest of them all Yeager brat.
"Hmph." The man left the room quickly, turning his heels away with an excited Hanji in tow. Everyone heard footsteps grow quieter, a pause and louder again. "Hanji isn't a woman by the way."
Connie, who was supposedly dead from laughing too much, sprung up in life and shouted, "I knew it!" Levi's eyes flashed.
"It's dust that needs to be cleaned up. And shitty brat," the short man nodded to Eren, "Pleasure knowing you taste your friends." With that, he left the room once again.
Millions of questions could be asked yet no one dared to say anything.