PROCEED WITH CAUTION, COUNSELOR
In signature style, Rafael Barba kept his nose to the grindstone, with Special Victims Unit consuming every moment of his day. When the two weeks went by that he was supposed to call the store, he tried to allocate time during lunches and after work to make the arrangement, but something would come up that took precedent. It was either SVU calling him in with a development in a case, issuing a search warrant, or a plethora of other duties as an A.D.A. that would push anything joyful, fun, or extemporaneous down on his priority list. (God forbid it….free time? Please)
Getting his desk cleaned up and leather-bound law journals returned to the bookshelves, Katrina Haley's business card fell to the floor. Barba drew a breath, sighed, and gingerly picked it up off of the floor. Reclining into his luxuriant leather chair, he leaned back and pensively thought about his next move with all of this. His world was all business, all of the time. Yes he had his law school friends, but if he was to be totally honest, that was a now and then occurrence, usually a reunion of some sort, but after extremely strenuous days in the office, his primary destination was the subway, and then home to his apartment. He would have one glass of Scotch to unwind, maybe get to read a few opinions in the "Yale Law Review" while the last hour of news was on television. Recently, he started to bring in the YLR to Carisi the next morning. After all, it would be nice to show SOME benevolent gesture to his "second chair."
Carisi and Barba had gotten closer over the past couple of months. In the months following passing the Bar Exam, Barba would become easily annoyed and agitated by Sonny Carisi's 'shadow' existence. Always eager to give the right answer, he would try to beat Barba to the punch with citing case law off the top of his head. Barba would ask Liv "Are you short of staff, because I can always send him back, I have no problem with that." Liv would laugh, and say "No, we're good, you can keep him for a bit." He was certainly the ambitious sort. Over time, however, (and it did take a bit) he was finding out that Sonny wasn't such a bad guy. Incidentally, Sonny WAS pretty intelligent. He passed the New York State Bar Exam on the first attempt, one of the most difficult Bar Exams in the country. That fact combined with his experience on the force and instinctual street smarts, Carisi went with his gut, staying with SVU, citing his desire to want to help people. He could have gone straight to work for the D.A.'s office, but he made the choice to stay true to the promise of "To Protect and To Serve." Sonny Carisi was really an okay kind of guy, even though Barba would never say that to his face. He had a few things to learn, yes, that was true, Carisi had a big heart. Just the way he treated Rollins while she was having the baby and staying with her during premature labor illustrated that soft spot that Carisi had for people, always striving to be understanding and kind.
Maybe it was time to bounce something off of Carisi…a "hypothetical situation"…a "what if" kind of thing. Guys do this all the time with each other, and Barba felt that he had to learn to "loosen up" and confide with someone. Having someone to do a man-to-man conversation with was a comforting thought.
By sheer coincidence, Carisi stopped by to talk to Barba regarding an evidence tampering issue and the possibility of key witnesses not wanting to testify for an upcoming trial. Just as he was leaving the doorway, he knocked out the "shave and a haircut" rhythm on the doorframe and started to say goodnight. Barba quickly interrupted him, and asked Carisi to sit back down for a few minutes.
Sonny Carisi's blue eyes got wide, and he asking "Am I in trouble for something?" With one of those sardonic grins that spread slowly across his face, Barba replied with a subtle laugh, "No, no, you're not. I have to run something by you. It's personal….I hope that you don't get uncomfortable with me doing this, if you are, let me know okay?"
"Well, it takes a lot for me to get uncomfortable, so why don't you just run it past me?" Carisi had to be honest with himself, however, and he was wondering where this was headed. For Barba to sit him back down to talk was highly unusual. He usually could not wait to see him leave. This came across as serious - and personal to boot - but he didn't want to say anything that made Barba lose faith or trust in him. This was obviously important, or he would not be talking to anyone about this at all. And why exactly DID he choose me?
"I would like to ask you to do this little favor along with me; Could you come with me on a visit to a store? I have something put away somewhere, and I met up, …with this woman there…she's the salesperson, and she is super nice, and very real and open, and very friendly. All these nice and good qualities and I just want you to see whether I'm making a sound decision - or perhaps not - about something that I am considering…doing. Raising his eyes from his desk calendar, Barba raises his one eyebrow in signature style, and tries not to blush, failing miserably at that attempt.
"Whoa…Whoa …Whoa; Hold – Just hold on," while a smile spread across Sonny Carisi's face. With an impish grin and one eyebrow raised, reminiscent of an overprotective Italian father, Carisi momentarily paused, and asked "Okay, what's her name?" Barba hands him her business card. Sonny peruses it and reads the name out loud. "Katrina Haley. Okay so.. Midtown…Fifth Avenue. By the address, this looks to be around the area of the St John Boutique, Henri Bendel and all those fancy-pants places. Not my neighborhood really, but it's cool, it's all good. God, that last name. Haley. That sounds familiar to me, and I don't know why. It feels like I should know her. Just tell me this, how are we going to explain why I'm with you?" "Oh I know what to say." Barba responded without missing a beat. "We were a couple of doors down, and you wanted to come along to look at something for your girlfriend. You were asking for my opinion."
Carisi looks at him quizzically for a few seconds, amused at this point, and smiles slightly at Barba's naïveté regarding affairs of the heart. "Yea, okay. A rough neck kid from Staten Island is picking out something at the St. John Boutique for his girlfriend: She'll buy that story for sure and after that I'll sell her the Brooklyn Bridge. Basically YOU are wanting MY opinion about the salesgirl at this over the top, high end Ivy League men's store, do I have all that right?"
Correcting him authoritatively, "Let me make myself abundantly clear; She is a 'salesWOMAN: She is a WOMAN, not a GIRL. I would conjecture that she is somewhere around my age. She's…not pretty, she's more…how do I put this? I guess I would call her attractive by definition, because she makes herself that way. She wears nice clothes, she looks pretty sharp, she's with it, you know. She's doesn't fit the mold of those I have been with before. They've all been dark hair, dark eyes, my lineage on the most part, but this person looks totally different from all that, so, just trying to ascertain – and - get an opinion. But there is one thing I would ask of you please, and I am asking this in all sincerity please keep this between us; Don't talk about it around the precinct, I ask you NOT to do that," At this juncture, it was Barba asking this of Carisi with a genuine sense of fraternal trust. "No one needs to know, until it is necessary to make it known."
Carisi went around the desk, and put a reassuring hand on Barba's shoulder. "Counselor, just so that you know, I mean, I will do this with you, but….you don't need permission from me, or from anyone, to do what you're doing, or want to do. It's called living life. It's called being with someone who you feel has potential of making you happy, making you feel whole. Someone, who, at the end of the day, will give you comfort. Someone who will talk to you. To share in the things that give you joy; To take away anything miserable about that day. Barba, you don't need anyone's approval for that, but if you feel more comfortable initially, I will do this with you. But you don't need permission -from anyone -to be happy in this life. And you don't need approval for who she is, Capisce? You are your own person. You're successful…you have everything you need in this life materially. You have everything but one important ingredient is missing….You need love."
Barba keeps his head down while Carisi grabs his jacket off of the small round conference table near to the door. "No….you're right." Slowly, he raises his head, and he stares forward. With a thoughtful pause, he continues on: "I was getting close to having everything. It all felt right there for a bit, and then I found out that I wasn't worthy enough to hear everything about a person that there was to know. I felt that I knew everything about a person, in addition to the fact that I shared everything with them. But I suppose I asked to be closer than what they wanted to be, and someone took my place." Barba bit the inside of his lip, and although he tried not to let it happen- not to let it get to him . -His throat got tight and his blue-green eyes were glistening. He felt tears start to build up.
"I was sure that it was enough….we had a lot in common…All things that we could talk about and understand together. We were able to talk about the same things; She's smart…witty….quick with that mouth of hers, just like me. At the end of the day, we could just sit and converse and we'd be speaking the same language you know? Sometimes all it took was a knowing glance." Then he realized that he had to stop because he knew that Carisi could not hear or know everything. Much like the rule of attorney-client privilege, Barba knew where he had to draw the line and details had to remain undisclosed. He recollected the day when he had to go before the D.A. to face his disciplinary hearing. It was the day when she first called him "Rafael" instead of using just "Barba." He looked back and she was holding her hand to her heart.
Hmph…if Liv could do that, why couldn't she be honest about Tucker? It was all waaaay too confusing to him. Affairs of the heart were always confusing to him.
Barba drew a deep breath, "I made a mistake actually. I challenged this person during an altercation. I should have known better. Once I challenged… this person… that's when everything started to unravel, including trust. In that moment, and for a few days afterward, it was a profound feeling that I did not know about the person as well as I thought I did."
Carisi turned around in the door, looked at Barba earnestly, "Barba, you'll find that again; It happens believe me. You just call or text me, let me know when you want to do this. I'll be ready for you."
"Thank you Carisi….I will…my item will be ready in a couple of days. Most importantly, thanks for…listening to me rattle on."
Carisi took just two steps into the door frame and became reflective. "Nonnina Carisi would bring me into Manhattan, Just she and I, for a special treat day, and we would go into Saint Patrick's Cathedral and light a candle together. When I wanted something to happen in my favor, she would tell me, 'You can't always pray or wish for what YOU want to happen. You can pray and pray and pray, but what you have to pray for is for the RIGHT THING to happen. What you want is not always how it works out to be. You have to go with the whole grand design of things. All these years later, Nonna's words come back to me…you have to want the right thing to happen. Just don't burn the bridges behind you, you don't know when you need them to cross over again. Who knows, Counselor, this person from the past, they might come around and everything will be the way it should be, ya know?"
"Tonight when I get off the Number 4 at home, I'll stop into St. Peters and light a candle for you. It might not be Saint Pats, but the sentiment will be the same."
Barba leaned back in his chair, mustered up a smile, and turned toward the window as the sky turned to dusk. The city lights of the majestic Manhattan skyline gave off their first glow. He takes a bottle of Cabernet from the bottom drawer of the credenza, and pours the requisite amount into an elegant Waterford wine glass. It was the end of another long day. He raised his glass, looked Heavenward and gave an imaginary, silent toast " Nonnina Carisi: Here's to having the 'right thing' happen."