Episode 1– Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead
Gabrielle decides to declare war on Edie after she feels she didn't give her enough grief after she started dating Carlos. Susan realises she treats Julie like a young child rather then a teenager and tries to change. Lynette drops by the pizzeria and is shocked at how downhill it has become. Though she is still sick she decides to give it a much needed lift which horrifies Tom. Bree decides to do some redecorating in her kitchen but her plans are thwarted when she meets Andrews new Boyfriend, Mark.
(We start with Gabrielle standing at the window of her house; she is staring out at Edie who is talking to Mrs McCluskey, she has her arms folded.)
Mary Alice Young (V.O): Gabrielle Lang always could put up a fight, be it for money (Shows Gabrielle at a bank talking to a clerk, she is showing cleavage. The clerk is staring at her chest) or for nice jewellery (Shows Gabrielle in a store, she has an expensive ring on her finger, she bats her eye lashes at the store owner, he smiles) or even woman's rights. (Shows Gabrielle tearing down a job available sign which says no women allowed.) But the one thing she swore she'd never lose a fight for was her men and Edie Britt had challenged her the minute she jumped into bed with Gabrielle's ex husband, Carlos Solis.
(Gabby now starts walking through the street towards Edie and Mrs McCluskey. They look up at her, Mrs McCluskey has her hands on her hips, Edie has a purse in her hand.)
Edie: Oh, hi Gabby.
(Gabby stops in front of them.)
Mrs McCluskey: You're just in time, I was telling Edie to get rid of that god awful shrub on her front lawn.
Edie: Yes and I was about to say, hell no.
Gabby: Could I just have a word with Edie, alone.
Mrs McCluskey: Sure, I wasn't getting anywhere with this anyway. Bye ladies.
(She walks off in the direction of her house. Gabby looks at Edie viciously.)
Edie: What's up?
Gabby: Oh I was just thinking, about you and Carlos.
Edie: Really?
Gabby: Yes and my main thought was what a back stabbing bitch you are.
(Edie steps back, she seems surprised by this.)
Edie: Gabby, you're divorced, you don't get a say anymore. Anyway you're with Victor now.
(Edie starts walking away. Gabby runs after her.)
Gabby: Hey! I'm not done with you yet, there's a rule.
(Edie stops and turns around to Gabby.)
Edie: And what rule would that be?
Gabrielle: You don't sleep with family or exes.
(Edie laughs.)
Edie: Screw the rules.
(Edie starts walking off again. Gabby looks annoyed. She looks at the ground; she sees four bottles of milk that have been delivered. She picks one up.)
Gabby: Hey Edie.
(Edie turns around and walks back towards Gabrielle.)
Edie: Yeah?
Gabby: Screw you.
(She throws the milk over Edie, Edie screams and stares down at the her clothes which are covered in milk. Gabby smiles and then drops the bottle onto the ground, it smashes. She walks back to her house. We see Edie staring down at the milk that's over her.)
Mary Alice (V.O): Yes Gabrielle Lang could put up a fight, especially when a man was involved.
(The scene ends and the credits play. The next scene starts with a long shot of Wisteria Lane.)
Mary Alice (V.O): Every woman on Wisteria must deal with a witch, it could be a bad neighbour (Shows Bree staring in shock at her neighbour pulling out one of her flowers) it could be there own little girl (Shows Lynette watching as Penny screams) or it could turn out that you're the witch yourself.
(We see Susan, Julie and mike in Susan's house.)
Julie (Annoyed): I'm a teenager not a ten year old (Grunts) You're so unfair.
(Julie storms out of the house and slams the door behind her. Susan stares at the door in shock, she turns around to Mike who has a grin on his face.)
Susan: How was that funny?
Mike: No reason.
Susan: No come on, why am I such a bad mother?
Mike: Well she's kind of right.
Susan: About what?
Mike: You do treat her (Susan looks at him in confusion) like a child.
Susan (Defensive): I do not.
Mike: Susan just yesterday you asked the dentist for a lollypop for her.
Susan: Yeah because she likes them.
Mike: I'm just saying.
(He walks up the stairs.)
Susan (Realises): Oh my god, I'm a witch.
(She falls onto a chair at the kitchen table and sighs. The scene ends, the next scene starts with Lynette walking into the Pizzeria. She is shocked that there are no customers inside but then sees the open/closed sign is on closed, she turns it to open.)
Lynette (Shouts): Tom! Tom!
(There is no answer, she looks around, the tables are set lazily, some tables are missing chairs, there is an empty bottle of wine on the counter.)
Lynette: You've got to be kidding me.
(She picks a coaster up off the floor and throws it on the counter.)
Lynette (Shouts): Tom! Get out here.
(The door to the pizzeria opens; Lynette twirls round and sees Andrew stood there.)
Andrew (Looks around): Whoa.
(Lynette walks towards him.)
Lynette: Andrew thank god, what happened here?
Andrew: I don't know, this is my first day off work in a few months, I took some time off.
Lynette: It's like a bomb went off in here (Looks around) Have you seen Tom?
Andrew: Mr Scavo, no.
Lynette (Sighs): Well get ready, you can help clean up.
Andrew: Yeah actually I came here to cancel, I've got a thing.
Lynette: What?
Andrew: With my boyfriend.
Lynette: Who cares? He can wait. Come on.
Andrew (Shakes his head): Sorry Mrs Scavo, gotta go,
(He walks out the door. Lynette runs up to the door.)
Lynette: Andrew, no, damn it.
(She switches a knife and fork on one of the tables, the scene ends. We now see Bree in her kitchen; she has her hands on her hips. She is wearing the fake pregnancy belly. Orson walks in.)
Orson: Darling, are there any … something wrong?
Bree: Oh no, I'm only bored out of my mind.
Orson: Why don't you do some baking?
Bree: I hate baking with this thing on. (Points to her stomach) ahh.
Orson: Well take it off then.
(Bree looks at Orson in disgust.)
Bree: Are you stupid? Someone could walk in at any minute. I won't do anything of the kind.
Orson: Sorry dear.
Bree (Face lights up): I know, I'll do some redecorating.
Orson: Genius.
(He kisses her on the cheek and walks out of the kitchen. She then climbs up on the counter and reaches up above the cupboards to take down the pots and pans sat there but she can't as her fake bumps gets in the way. She huffs.)
Bree: What the hell.
(She looks around and then takes off the fake bump, she sighs with relief. She then takes down a pan. As she does this she hears the door open.)
Bree: Oh god.
(After she is distracted by this she suddenly slips and falls off the counter onto the floor. She gasps. We hear footsteps running to the kitchen, Andrew appears.)
Andrew: Mom!
(He runs in and helps her up.)
Bree: Andrew, thank god.
Andrew: what happened?
Bree: Well I was about to take down …
(She stares at something in shock and confusion.)
Bree: Who in gods name are you?
(Andrew turns around to see a similar aged boy to him, he has short brown hair and is wearing a blue t-shirt and jeans.)
Andrew: Oh mom this is my boyfriend, Mark!
(Bree's face drops. Andrew puts his hand around Mark, the scene ends. The next scene starts with Mike in his garage, he seems to be working with some tools. Susan dashes in.)
Susan: Okay fine, I treat her like a child but I think you should say sorry.
Mike: Of …
Susan: I am a good mother and you have to say so because you're my husband and …
Mike: Susan, I'm sorry.
(Susan pauses and then smiles.)
Susan: You have to help me change.
Mike (Grins): Sure.
(Susan playfully hits Mike, he laughs. Gabrielle then walks into the garage.)
Susan: Gabby, hi.
Gabby: Hi Susan.
Susan: You can just go into the house, we can have a chat in a minute.
Gabby: Well actually I'm here to see Mike.
Susan: Oh, okay. I'll be up here.
(She runs back into the house.)
Mike: Yeah?
Gabby: I was wondering, would this be enough to get every bit of air out of a tyre?
(She holds up a fishing knife.)
Mike: I'm a plumber.
Gabby: Yeah I know, well?
Mike: It probably would, why?
Gabby: Oh no reason, just … doing some research. Thanks.
(We now see Gabby walks up to Edie's car, Mike watches as she does this. Gabby stabs the tyre with the knife and then smiles. She then rushes back into her house. Mike looks on in confusion, the scene ends. The next scene starts in the pizzeria. We see Lynette sit down, she yawns. She hears a cough. She gets off the seat and runs outside the back. She is shocked to see Tim sitting on the bottom step.)
Lynette: Tom?
(Tom looks up at Lynette in shock, he jumps up.)
Lynette: What are you doing out here?
Tom: No, what are you doing here? You're sick you shouldn't …
Lynette: Do not change the subject, do not avoid it. What the hell s this?
Tom: What do you mean?
Lynette: The pizzeria Tom, the damn pizzeria.
Tom: Look I know it's just I've lost it … a bit.
Lynette: A bit, just by looking at this I had a meltdown.
(Tom walks into the pizzeria, Lynette follows him.)
Tom: Please don't lecture me Ly ….
(He looks around the pizzeria, it is spotless and things have been moved around.)
Tom: What happened here?
Lynette: I fixed it.
Tom (Angrily): I was going to do it, me not you.
Lynette: Oh really? You were just taking a break were you?
Tom: No I wasn't but I was going to do it.
Lynette: Sorry I did it then.
Tom: You should be.
(There is silence for a minute.)
Lynette: look Tom, if you can't handle it we can sell it, we can.
Tom (Looks horrified): You did not just say that.
Lynette: No Tom, I'm being realistic. If you've been like this since I was sick, we must have lost bags of cash. We can't afford that, we have five damn kids.
Tom: … I know. I'll sort it out.
Lynette (Annoyed): Fine.
(She walks towards the exit.)
Tom: Bi … (Lynette turns around) witch!
Lynette: Be glad you changed that word. Here have your own space.
(She throws a salt shaker at him and storms out, Tom sighs, the scene ends. We now cut to Julie in her room, she is looking at a book. There is a knock on her door.)
Julie: Come in.
(Susan appears, her hands are behind her back.)
Susan: Forgiven me yet?
Julie: I don't know.
(Julie looks down at the book again.)
Susan: Julie come on, it's me.
Julie: You're my mom, not my teenager friend.
Susan: Look I know I treat you like a child and I'll try to stop.
Julie: … thanks.
Susan: But I can't promise anything.
Julie: What? Not a very good …
Susan: Wait.
(She reveals s bottle of beer from behind her back, she puts it on the table and slides it to Julie.)
Julie: What's that?
Susan: A little am … peace offering.
Julie (Smiles): I don't like beer but thanks.
(Susan pauses and then her face drops.)
Susan: You've tried beer? When? Where?
Julie: Mom!
Susan: Sorry.
(She backs out of the room. Julie smiles and shakes her head, the scene ends. The next scene starts with Bree sat on her couch, Andrew and Mark are sat in front of her.)
Bree: So Mark, I just have to meet your parents.
Mark: yeah my parents don't know so …
Bree: Oh, well another time maybe.
Andrew: Mark sells hotdogs, he owns a stand.
(Bree's face drops.)
Bree: Does that … pay well?
Mark: … yeah.
Bree (Uncomfortably): Oh that's just wonderful, will that be your career?
Mark: No I plan on being a vet.
Bree (Face lights up): Oh how nice, Andrew wanted to be a vet when he was young.
Andrew: Did I?
Bree: Yes, I remember your father one had to drag you of our cat, your were practicing.
(The three laugh.)
Bree: I'm just going to get some snacks, would you like some lemonade?
Mark: Sure.
(She smiles and then gets up and walks to the kitchen. Andrew follows her in. She turns around and jumps when she sees him.)
Bree: Oh! Andrew, you gave me a fright.
Andrew: Sorry, so what do you think?
Bree: of mark, oh he's just wonderful.
Andrew: Really?
Bree: Of course, he likes gardening, he has great taste and he loves you. What's not to like?
(Andrew pauses for a second and then hugs a shocked Bree.)
Bree: What was that for?
Andrew: I though when you met him you'd freak out but I guess the witch is dead.
Bree: I'll take that as a complement, now take those sandwiches out, I bet he's starving.
(Andrew smiles, grabs the tray and walks out. Bree starts pouring some lemonade, the scene ends. We now cut to Edie walking out of her house, she gets in her car, something strange happens. She gets out of the car and stares at the tyres, when she sees a flat one, she sighs.)
Edie: Oh crap.
(She looks around and then sees Mike in his garage, she runs over to him.)
Edie: Mike!
(He looks up and waves. She stops in front of him.)
Edie: I've got a little flat tyre, you mind giving me a hand.
(He drops his tools and nods.)
Mike: Sure.
(They start walking towards Edie's car.)
Mike: Are you and Gabrielle having a game or something?
Edie: Oh, no, just a little tiff, why?
Mike: This just seems a bit harsh for a tiff.
(Edie stops and looks at him in confusion.)
Edie: I'm sorry, what?
Mike: Never mind.
Edie: No tell me.
Mike: It's nothing …
(Edie puts her hand on his shoulder.)
Edie: Tell me. Wait, she did this, didn't she. Oh that little … hold this.
(She gives him her purse and she storms towards Gabrielle's house. She starts knocking on the door, Gabby opens the door.)
Edie: What the hell is that?
(She points at the car.)
Gabby: Oh, did you get a flat tyre, oh shoot, sorry don't have a spare.
(She is about to shoot the door but Edie pushing holds it open.)
Gabby: Back off.
Edie: If you want to fight, let's fight.
Gabby: That's okay, I think I've won.
Edie: Really?
(Edie turns around and walks to her car, Mike has just finished changing the tyre.)
Edie: You done?
Mike: Yeah …
Edie: Move.
(Mike steps out of the way, Edie gets in her car and starts it. Gabby looks on in horror.)
Gabby (Shouts): Edie, what are you doing?
(Edie starts driving towards Gaby's garden, Gaby runs up to the car and tries to stop her.)
Gabby: Edie, stop!
(She pulls over.)
Edie: Why don't you?
Gabby: But …
Edie: But what Gabby? It's over between you both.
(A look of sadness comes across Gaby's face.)
Gabby: It's just I still love him.
(Edie puts her head down and then gets out of the car. She puts her arm around her.)
Edie: You have Victor and hey at least he's rich.
(Gabby laughs.)
Edie: Now I gotta go, by the way if you ever do that to my car again, I will run you over.
(She laughs and gets back in her car and drives off. Gabby looks on as she does this, the scene ends. We now cut to Lynette in her kitchen, Tom walks in the door.)
Tom: Hey honey.
Lynette: … hey.
Tom: Look about earlier I …
Lynette: Forget about it Tom, I get it.
(She gets up and walks towards the stairs. Tom sighs.)
Tom: Lynette.
Lynette: What?
Tom: Stop. Look I know you trying to help, I know you must be killing yourself inside because of this cancer, I know you probably could do anything to take your mind of it. I know that, just please leave the pizzeria to me.
(Lynette smiles at him, she goes back down the stairs and kisses him.)
Lynette: Okay.
(We see another long shot of Wisteria Lane.)
Mary Alice (V.O): Everyone must deal with a witch but sometimes witches are only woman I disguise, a woman remembering her little girl (We see Susan watch Julie leave the house in a short skirt, Susan sighs, Mike puts his arm around her.) a woman accepting who her son is (We see Bree laughing with Andrew and his boyfriend Mark) a woman trying to move on (We see Gabby looking at a picture of her and Carlos) and there are some woman who wear this disguise because if they didn't, people would see there not as strong as they say they are (We see Lynette sat on her bed, she sighs.)
The episode ends.