Author's note: The song "I Still Believe" does not belong to me. It belongs to Cameron Mackintosh, Alain Boubill and all of the writers/collaborators of "Miss Saigon". I've edited the song a tiny bit to make it work better with this story.
Sydney and Vaughn's *eck*wife*eck* have a moment of contemplation. It's up to you if you want to dled the song.
Sydney:
Last night I watched him sleeping
My body pressed to him
And then he started speaking…
Yes I know that this was years ago
But when moonlight fills my room I know
You are here... still
I can't sleep now. I go to bed, lie down, close my eyes, and end up just lying there for hours on end, staring at the ceiling, watching the gradual shadows of night creeping through the rented house.
My thoughts swirl around me as I lie there in the dark, my mind constantly searching for the answers that still elude me.
It's been two months since I've "returned" so to speak, and I've never felt so lost, or so confused in my life.
Despite the CIA's best efforts, there are still no answers, no clues to what happened to me in those two years.
All they've managed to come up with, is that I disappeared after fighting Alison Doren, and resurfaced two years later in a world where nothing makes sense.
Hell, I could've told them that as soon as I saw V…Never mind. It's best not to think about it.
Occasionally, when I do manage to fall asleep, I dream startling dreams, horrible dreams. I dream that I'm in the past- where everything had some semblance of normal.
Francie was still alive…Will was still in love with Francie…Diane was still alive…and Vaughn wasn't married…
Marriage. The word haunts me, annoys me and plagues my very existence.
Although it's been two months…my mind is still having trouble comprehending that Vaughn is married…to someone else…
Every morning when I wake up, I expect to see him next to me, grinning sleepily…and every night when I go to bed…and I see the moonlight streaming through the windows of my bedroom…I can almost feel his presence…
I still
I still believe
You will return
I know you will
My heart
Against all odds
Holds still…
We've talked very little since the night he came to meet me in Hong Kong.
Denial had run rampant after he had told me, quietly, that he was married to someone else.
When I had asked him for an explanation, anguish had made its way across his face. He told me that he will always love me, but he had married someone else in the interim.
I had stared at him, tears slowly falling down my face, as he had abruptly left the room, but not before I saw identical tears drifting down his own face.
Yes, still
I still believe
I know as long as I can keep believing, I'll live
I'll live
Love cannot die
You will return
You will return
And I alone know why
Everyone's been telling me to move on. "Forget about him." "There are others out there."
But I can't.
There's no way, that I can just erase Vaughn from my memories, from my heart.
I spend hours every day, looking at old pictures of us, closing my eyes and imaging past encounters, past memories, the times we've spent together etched so clearly across my mind. It's like a movie, scrolling, never ending, and haunting me.
Part of me still lives for the hope that we will somehow end up together again.
Serendipity can't be so cruel to bring us together and then tear us apart for unknown reasons.
I wish no dislike upon his wife, but something inside of me tells me that Vaughn and I are the ones that should be married now. I don't know if it's just wishful thinking, but I want to believe.
Because if I can't believe, then there's nothing left.
Annie:
Last night I watched you sleeping
Once more, the nightmare came
I heard you cry out something
A word that sounded like... a name
And it hurts me more than I can bear
Knowing part of you I'll never share
Never know
I lie here, watching my husband sleep another fitful night of sleep. He's tossing and turning again, mumbling softly in his sleep.
The name is always the same.
"Sydney."
It's a name that has haunted me, that has plagued me for an unbelievable amount of time.
It's one I've come to loathe, hate and despise with every fiber of my being.
Although he never talks about his dreams, I know that he knows that I know he's having them.
But whenever I question him about it, gently of course- I don't want to probe- he always just grows silent and changes the subject hastily.
While part of me wants to be understanding, the other part of me, the malicious part of me, hates whoever Sydney is. She's representative of a part of my husband's life that he'll never share with me, a life that I'll never know about.
But still
I still believe
The time will come
When nothing keeps us apart
My heart, forever more
Holds still
At the beginning of our marriage, the nightmares were frequent- often occurring night after night, never with an end in sight.
He would always wake up screaming the name, her name, and would turn to his side, to look at me.
When he would make eye contact with me, there would always be a spark of hope in his eyes, that would always seem to fall as he looked long and hard at me- like he was expecting to see someone else.
For a while, the nightmares had begun growing further apart from each other- occurring only weekly.
Hope and happiness flickered in my heart- maybe my husband was finally learning to let go of his past life, and look forward to our lives. Together.
But after a mysterious business trip, he returned cold and subdued again, and the nightmares began again in earnest.
Instead of just one nightmare per night, he would have multiple haunting dreams, ones that would always end with him screaming her name.
He stirs next to me, and I look at him, noticing that his eyes are clenched.
"Sydney, no! Sydney! Stay!" He cries, thrashing wildly in his sleep. "No, Sydney! I love you…"
He sits straight up, and turns to look at me, panting in the darkness.
It' s all over, I' m here
There is nothing to fear
What' s haunting you?
Won' t you let me inside
What you so want to hide!
I need you too!
I stroke his arms and whisper to him soothingly, trying to pretend that I haven't heard the words that have just come out of his mouth.
"It's okay. Go back to sleep." He's still disorientated, and doesn't seem to hear me, as he sinks back down into the bed. "Sydney…" he whimpers softly as his eyes close again.
Sydney:
For still
I still believe
As long as I
Can keep believing,
I'll live
I'll live
You will return
And I know why
I'm yours
Until we die
Annie:
I will hold you all night, I will make
It all right
You are safe with me
And I wish you could tell what you don't
Want to tell
What your hell must be
You can sleep now
You can cry now
I'm your wife now
Until we die
I love you Vaughn…I know someday we'll be together again…
You're mine now. And we'll be together forever…
