It was her fault he was gone...she remembered the day he announced he was leaving...USC Film School he said...she knew that it was her who could've changed his mind...made him stay. His eyes said it all; silently begging her. But she couldn't...she couldn't love him. Love was pain...love was finding out your father raped your mother on the dirty floor of some night club. So she smiled and watched him go...and she never told him...she never told him that she couldn't fall in love with him...because the truth was she already was. She had pushed him away for months; letting him chase after her like one of the others...never letting him know it was different...because it was...different. He was her best friend, her confidante, the first person to really get her. And she threw it away.
Buried deep as you
can dig inside yourself
And covered with a perfect shell
Such
a charming, beautiful exterior
Laced with brilliant smiles and
shining eyes
Perfect posture, but you're barely scraping by
But
you're barely scraping by
Every now and then she let herself wonder what might have been...what would have happened if they would have kept their baby...but she knew she had made the right decision for them...she hadn't wanted someone to love her because of a baby...and yet when Dillon truly did love her she pushed him away. It was something she couldn't explain...and some mornings it made her feel so sick inside that she just wanted to waste away. But she didn't...she put on her mask everyday and went about like her world hadn't crumbled that warm summer day in the Port Charles airport.
This is one time,
this is one time
That you can't fake it hard enough to please
everyone
Or anyone at all...or anyone at all
And the grave
that you refuse to leave
The refuge that you've built to flee
The
places that you've come to fear the most
It's the place that you
have come to fear the most
His words to her that day haunted her psyche, "take care of yourself Lu...okay?"
It was in the way he said it that affected her...the way he always said things to her...the love, admiration hope in his voice...it invaded her soul and covered her with warmth. Now she was cold all the time...she couldn't even muster up the fight to get pissed at Logan for referring to her as Ice Princess. She had jumped into a relationship with Logan as soon as Dillon was gone...telling herself that thing she needed to fill herself was the affection of another. But with Logan she saw the end...before they even began she knew it was going nowhere. The first time they had sex she threw up...the subsequent times she would close her eyes and imagine herself somewhere else, anywhere else. The final time they broke up he looked at her and told her he couldn't be with someone who was wishing she was with someone else the whole time they were together. This was usually the point where she would run to Spinelli..He had been her one constant after Dillon had gone...trying to help her pick up the pieces...in all honesty she didn't deserve his kindness...she consistently used him, treated him bad...but she was so locked up in her own pain she didn't see his. And the night after Logan ended things for good she ended up on his doorstep...he was always there for her...until that day...he opened the door and closed it in the same breath turning her away...he had really moved on too. His last words tearful ones, "I'm not film guy...and I can't keep trying to be" She saw him and Georgie around campus when she finally decided to go back...Tracy had insisted on her moving back to the mansion...she wondered if it was because Tracy saw in her the only person who missed Dillon more than she did.
Buried deep as you
can dig inside yourself
And hidden in the public eye
Such a
stellar monument to loneliness
Laced with brilliant smiles and
shining eyes
Perfect make-up, but you're barely scraping by
But
you're barely scraping by...
There were times when she would sit in the movie room for hours watching the old movies she hadn't paid enough attention to the first time...walking down to the boathouse...sitting in his bedroom clinging to a sweater that smelled like him...it reminded her of what they use to be...and as much as it broke her heart it made her feel the most whole she had since he left.
Well this is one
time, well this is one time
That you can't fake it hard enough to
please everyone
Or anyone at all...or anyone at all
And the
grave that you refuse to leave
The refuge that you've built to
flee
The places that you've come to fear the most
It's the
place that you have come to fear the most
(Places You Have Come
to Fear the Most -Dashboard Confessional)
For Lesley Lu Spencer the thing she had feared the most was to have love destroy her... that the person she loved the most in the world would disappoint her...and in the end she realized that she had destroyed the love in her life...she had pushed away the one person who loved her in spite of herself...the one person who knew her better than anyone...and now he was gone...and even surrounded by people that loved her; she couldn't shake the feeling of being totally alone...