Blaine had spent the better part of two months hiding from everyone around him. He was withdrawn and isolated and no one even really seemed to notice. His days passed with such a cold numbness that they didn't even seem to be moving in real time, but rather some sort of blur that he had no control over. Sure, he was involved in a whole bunch of clubs and he was class president and he had glee, but in retrospect, it meant nothing to him. No matter what he did, no matter where he went, all he could think of was Kurt. He would pass by random people in the hallway and double take, thinking that they were Kurt, which they obviously weren't. He'd be driving to school in the mornings and their song would come on the radio- only for him to quickly turn it off, it was too painful to listen to it. He'd pass a couple making out in the hallway and absent-mindedly touch his own lips, remembering the gentle feel of Kurt's on his own. Time was passing, but it wasn't moving, he wasn't living, not without Kurt.
After what he'd done he didn't blame Kurt for not answering his calls, for throwing away his numerous bouquets of red and yellow roses (he sent a bouquet at least once a week, though all efforts went unanswered). He knew Kurt probably hated him. But what Kurt didn't know was how much he hated himself. He'd look in the mirror and want nothing more than to punch out the glass in front of him. He couldn't even stand the sound of his own voice. Every time he was forced to speak he felt sick to his stomach remembering the last words he had spoken to Kurt- those horrible four words. Then the look on Kurt's face, one of pure heartbreak, would replay in his mind. He could actually hear Kurt's sobs echoing around his brain. He would try to forget the faces, the sounds, the way every little thing about the devastating situation was tearing him apart, but he couldn't. So he just didn't speak.
All he could do was think. "If he would just let me explain. If he would just answer me. I never got to say anything else but a stupid, spluttering 'I'm sorry'. He must have assumed everything, all the worst things. He must hate me. If only he could know how much I hate me. How much I wish I could die because of what I did to us, because of what I did to him."
It was just another random Tuesday, glee day, and Blaine was continuing going through the motions, just as he had been everyday for the past two months. Classes, lunch, more classes. He'd stare at the pictures of him and Kurt in his locker between classes, and debate with himself if he should take them down. He knew he should, knew they didn't belong there anymore, knew Kurt probably wouldn't want them to be there anymore. But he couldn't take them down. Taking them down confirmed the end, made a statement that everything really was over, and Blaine couldn't live with that. Those pictures were his sanctuary. It sounded stupid, but they gave him hope. Hope that one day he and Kurt would be as happy and in love as they were when they took those pictures. He couldn't take them down, not yet, maybe not ever.
At the end of the day, when Blaine walked into the choir room, he didn't even bother to look up or try to make a conscious effort to be aware of his surroundings. He walked right to his normal seat in the back of the choir room, one he'd taken to sitting in since the worst day. Last year, when he had Kurt by his side, it didn't matter where he sat, because with Kurt sitting with him he was complete. But now he had no Kurt and he really felt that pain- and it wasn't pain because Kurt wasn't sitting next to him, but pain because even if Kurt were there he probably wouldn't want to sit next to him. He took his sheet music from his bag, he'd been practicing a new song for a couple of days now, and he figured since no one was there yet it would be a good time to practice. He was a bit early anyway and knew he had time before he'd be interrupted.
After settling down at the piano bench and pressing out a few of the opening chords of the song, he heard footsteps behind him. They were quiet, as if the person was sneaking up behind him. Blaine's head whipped around, as if on instinct (at McKinley you could never really be sure of who was lurking around the nearest corner, or who was sneaking up behind you when you least expected it). But what Blaine saw made his breath catch in his throat and tears, beyond his control, collect in his eyes, fogging up his vision. Kurt.
"Kurt? Wh-what are you doing here?", Blaine spluttered out at the beautiful boy in front of him.
Great job, Blaine, be a stuttering idiot when the boy you love is standing in front of you. He turned his whole body around on the bench to face Kurt completely, wiped at his eyes and squinted, just for good measure, to make sure that it was actually Kurt standing there. And it was, and oh god was he as beautiful as ever. He had on dark black jeans, a white button down shirt, a silky gray scarf wrapped around his neck, and of course, his signature white boots. Blaine kept eyeing him up and down, afraid to look away, afraid to blink, even. He was terrified that if his eyes were ever averted from his boyfriend (Maybe ex boyfriend? He didn't even know.) that he would disappear. Blaine forced himself to close his eyes tight, only for a second, and reopen them. When he did, Kurt was still there. Kurt hadn't answered his first question, so Blaine took it upon himself to ask another.
"Are you really here? Is it really you? Please god, don't tell me I'm dreaming." Blaine had thought he hadn't said the last part aloud, but he had.
"You're not dreaming, it's really me. I'm really here." Kurt took a deep breath and began again. " I took a flight in from New York this morning and I've been with my dad all morning, just talking. He asked how you were, said he hadn't seen you for awhile. He said he found it a little strange because for the first few weeks of me being in New York he couldn't get rid of you. He said you were constantly at the house, or the tire shop. He said he'd even found you in my room once, going through the few articles of clothing I'd left behind and smelling them, which he found strange, but endearing." He let out a lifeless chuckle as he finished speaking.
Blaine forced a small smile and then just stared at him, unsure if he wanted him to speak, unsure if he was even done speaking.
"This place hasn't changed a bit since we left", Kurt said, looking around the room aimlessly with his hands deep in his pockets. Blaine continued to awkwardly gawk at him, at a complete loss of what to say or do. "I somehow imagined that without all of us here it would be a completely different place, but it's still the same. It doesn't seem different at all," he finished, staring down at Blaine and shrugging his shoulders.
Blaine finally found his voice and asked again, "What are you doing here?"
Kurt frowned slightly and his eyebrows began to crease, he began to open his mouth to form a reply, but Blaine cut him off. "Not that I'm not happy to see you, because believe me I am so happy you're here. But I don't really know why you're here. We haven't spoken in months and then you just show up here in the middle of the week and without any forewarning. And now that I'm thinking about it, I don't even actually know if you're here to see me. And now I feel like a complete moron. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have jumped to any conc-" Blaine's rambling was cut off by Kurt shaking his head and lifting his hand up for him to stop.
"I am here to see you, actually," Kurt answered, forcing a slight smile, though there was no actual joy behind it. "I've had a really rough couple of weeks in New York and needed to be home to spend some time just re-finding myself, to see my dad. So I booked a flight about a week ago to come home. And then today when I got here, I felt this ache in my chest. This horrible, painful ache and this hollow emptiness that I had no idea how to make better. I thought talking with my dad would make me feel better, but all he wanted to do was talk about you. And then I realized, the ache, the pain, the emptiness, that was because I was here, back home, but I was without you." Kurt choked back a sob and wiped at the tears that had formed in his eyes. Blaine averted his eyes to the floor and began to silently sob, his shoulders shaking slightly.
Kurt walked over the piano bench and sat next to Blaine. Blaine couldn't bear to look up, couldn't stand the idea of looking into the love of his life's eyes and seeing tears that he had been responsible for causing. They sat in a comfortable, sad, lonely silence for a few minutes before Kurt spoke again, this time a bit more angry and his words a lot stronger.
"Why did you do that to me, Blaine? Didn't you know how much I loved you? Didn't you know that I would have done anything in this world to make you happy? Didn't you realize that you completed me and that if I ever had to be without you I would have died? Did you ever really love me at all? How could you?"
Blaine had been fighting the urge to look up, more afraid than anything to look into Kurt's eyes, but those last words had a force of their own with which they moved his head so his eyes finally met Kurt's. Did he just ask me if I ever really loved him? Is that what he really thinks? That I never loved him? Ohmygod.
"Is that what you think? That I never loved you?" Blaine choked out between sobs. "My god, Kurt, I am so, so sorry. I know I said it before, but I literally can't say it enough." Blaine paused, trying to make sense of the scrambled thoughts scattered throughout his brain. He took a deep breath, and spoke again. "I don't know why I did it. I have no excuse for my actions. And I know that night in New York I said it was because I needed you and you weren't there for me, but that's not why I did it. I did it because I was alone. I didn't have anyone to talk to. In the past I would have had you and everything would have been fine. But you weren't here, physically, and I couldn't do it, this," Blaine motioned around the room, "alone. I wasn't strong enough. And I know I always tell you to have courage, but I couldn't. And I tried reaching out to everyone and nothing worked. I was just alone." Blaine choked out another sob and wiped his eyes. "So I did the unspeakable. And I know that nothing I ever say or do could make up for that. I know that no amount of 'I'm sorrys' will make it better, or fix what I broke. But I don't know what else to do, Kurt. I don't know how to be without you. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't even speak because every single thing reminds me of you and what I did to you. I hate myself so much, and all I want to do is die if I know that I can never be with you again." Blaine had finally broken down. He curled in on himself and hung his head in his hands to sob uncontrollably.
Blaine heard Kurt stir next to him after a few minutes and tried to compose himself to finish explaining. He was afraid that if he didn't fully explain soon he'd lose Kurt forever.
"I know you probably think I slept with him. But I didn't. I couldn't. I got to his house and we talked for a little while, mostly about you and how much I loved you and was so utterly miserable without you. But then he started flirting with me, and I flirted back a little bit. I really didn't think it would ever escalate to anything else. And then we were laughing, and I was laughing for the first time since you had left. And I felt good again. Before I knew what was happening he was kissing me. And I kissed back at fir-"
"Stop. Please," Kurt said, silently crying from beside him. "I can't hear this."
"I know this is hard to hear, but I need you to know what happened. I need to make us right. The only way I can do that is if you know everything. Then we can go from there. Please, just listen. Please."
Kurt wiped his eyes and nodded for Blaine to continue. "So I kissed back at first, but his lips were rough, and not soft like yours. They didn't fit with mine like yours did. And his hands were forceful and not loving, and his body was hot and not cold like yours usually is. And nothing, absolutely nothing, felt right. So I pushed him away, apologized, grabbed my things and ran out. And I've hated myself ever since. I've been empty without you ever since. And I know there's nothing I can do to take back what I did or rewind or erase history. But god, if I could, I would."
Blaine grabbed at Kurt's hand instinctively and put it between both of his. "Baby, I have loved you from the first minute I ever saw you. I could never stop loving you, and I didn't do this because I didn't love you. I love you so much that it actually hurts me. I have never loved anything, or anyone, the way that I love you. And I know that I screwed this all up, but you make me whole. I'm nothing without you. I'm not living and I'm empty if I don't have you in my life. I would do anything to make this better, and if you let me, I'll prove that to you."
Kurt had been looking at the floor as Blaine spoke, shoulders shaking, eyes filled with tears that continued to spill over his red, swollen eyelids. Blaine lifted his chin so that their eyes met and asked, "Is there any way that you could ever trust me again? That you could ever love me again?" His voice broke on the last few words and tears spilled down his own eyes.
There was a long pause before Kurt spoke, and when he did, his words were so soft that Blaine nearly missed them, despite sitting right next to him. "I don't know."
Kurt removed his hand from Blaine's and just sat, staring fixedly at the floor below him. Both boys sobbed silently for a while, and then Blaine turned his body back to the piano and began playing the same few chords he had earlier, before Kurt had interrupted him. He began singing.
Never knew
I could feel like this
Like I'd never seen the sky before
Kurt looked up from the floor and wiped his eyes. He turned his head to look at Blaine, who cried silently as he sang.
Want to vanish inside your kiss
Everyday I love you more and more
Listen to my heart
Can you hear it sing?
Come back to me
And forgive everything
With those last words Blaine's voice broke. He had to take a deep breath to steady himself and continue. He was pouring his entire heart out into the song, hoping that Kurt would understand what he was trying to say; paying that the words would reach his heart and make him forgive Blaine; needing them to make Kurt realize that he still loved Blaine the way Blaine still loved him. This was his last chance, it seemed, and he was going to do everything he possibly could to make it count- to win Kurt back before he lost him for good.
Seasons may change
Winter to spring
Blaine took another deep breath, preparing to sing the next line, the most important line, but he was cut off by Kurt's beautiful voice taking over.
But I love you
Until the end of time
Kurt turned his body around so that both boys were facing the piano. Blaine stopped playing and stared into Kurt's eyes, both boys crying. They shared a teary, silent smile- a real smile- and then Blaine continued singing once more, this time with Kurt in harmony.
Come what may
Come what may
I will love you
Until my dying day
Come what may
Come what may
I will love you
Until my dying day
The boys finished the song together and then turned to face each other. Blaine took Kurt's face in his hand and caressed his cheek with his thumb as more tears continued to fall. Kurt leaned into the touch and closed his eyes. When he opened them Blaine's face was coming closer to his until they were kissing. The kiss was gentle, loving; everything they had needed and everything they had wanted. Each boy poured his heart and soul into the kiss, expressing as much as he possibly could with it- expressing what words alone couldn't.
When the kiss broke, the boys rested their foreheads together. Silent tears still continued to fall, though not as freely as before, and in a different way than before, and they simply stared into each other's eyes. They stayed that way for a while, in a comfortable, happy silence, until Kurt spoke softly again.
"I don't know how we're going to fix this. I don't know how long its going to take. But we're going to do it. You were my first love, Blaine, and I want to grow old with you and share my life with you, just like we always planned. I will always love you. And no matter what it takes, we're going to be us again. I promise. I'm never going to say goodbye to you. Ever."
Blaine sniffed a bit and then smiled the brightest he had in weeks. He gave Kurt a small, soft kiss and then spoke, "I will love you until my dying day."