A/N: Well, this is my first Wicked fic. I can honestly say that I have no clue what possessed me to write this.
If you'd like to venture forward into the recesses of my dark mind, go right ahead. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Disclaimer: I got the concept from a Smosh video, and the characters aren't mine either. I've just... borrowed them for some playtime.
"What's wrong, Boq?" Avaric asked as he sat on the bench next to the munchkin.
Boq blushed. "Well… I—I'm starting to feel… strange…" Boq stuttered before lowering his eyes, "down… there…"
"Well… could it be the ice cream you dropped on your pants?" Avaric asked.
Boq looked down. "Well… yeah, but… I'm also growing hair in my private part place…" Boq whispered.
"Eww, gross!" Avaric exclaimed. "What are you—some kind of sick, werewolf freak?!" He stomped away disgustedly.
"Oh, noooo," Boq moaned. "What's going on with my body?"
Suddenly, the faint sound of guitar chords rang throughout the courtyard. Boq panicked and stood, whipping his head around to find the source of the sound. He turned to the left to find a group of students crowded around a tree. Squinting, he struggled to recognize them.
Is that Fiyero? Boq thought. What's that in his hand? And is that… Tibbett? Why is he sitting in front of a drum set? Boq was confused.
Crope? Elphaba? Those things they're holding… they look like… guitars. I've never seen guitars like that before. What's going on?
Suddenly, Fiyero jumped forward; bringing the small contraption he was holding to his mouth and shouting into it. His voice was amplified tenfold.
"THERE COMES A TIME IN EVERY MAN'S LIFE!" Fiyero screamed while thrashing around violently. Elphaba and Crope also began to thrash while strumming on their guitars. Boq ran and hid behind a tree.
"WHEN HE GROWS HAIR WHERE IT USED TO BE BARE!" Boq watched curiously from behind his tree. Fiyero pointed at him.
"I know you're feeling weird!" Fiyero shouted, pointing at Boq, "But you should be happy!" Boq looked around for any sign of anyone that could save him. There was nobody.
"You don't have a vagina!" Fiyero shouted, and Boq turned a deep red. "THAT WOULD BE CRAPPY!" screamed Fiyero.
"'Cause periods suck!" Elphie shouted while throwing a handful of tampons at Crope's head.
"And commas rule!"
Fiyero mouthed 'What the fuck?!" and turned to look at Tibbett.
"This is Sex Education!" he shouted at Tibbett. Elphaba and Crope turned and shouted along with Fiyero, "Not grammar, fool!"
Suddenly, Boq was walking down the path to the girls' dormitories. Elphaba and Crope were following him, playing their guitars. Boq walked faster, trying to lose them. They sped up their pace.
Galinda appeared in front of Boq, making kissy faces at him and waving.
"When she gives you affection," Elphaba sang, "You'd better wear protection."
"That skank might have an infection," announced Crope. "Are you paying close attention?"
Elphie pointed at Galinda, who was scratching her butt furiously. Boq grimaced.
Galinda grabbed Boq's hand and led him to her dormitory. Crope and Elphie followed.
"In Sex Ed," they sang, "Remember what you've read." Galinda tossed her hair and batted her eyes at Boq before dragging him inside.
"Just forget what the others have said and get it through your head," Boq could hear Elphaba and Crope singing outside of the door. Galinda moved toward him and Boq backed away quickly, grabbing the door handle and flinging the door open. He ran outside and slammed the door behind him.
Elphaba and Crope nodded approvingly at him. "Use your brain before you go to bed."
Boq ran as fast as he could from Galinda's dorm room. As he turned his head to see if she had followed him, he crashed into something hard. Boq fell to the ground.
Fiyero was standing in front of Boq, dressed in a loose-fitting blue shirt and matching blue pants. Boq had seen some of the doctors in town wearing this type of outfit as they cared for their patients.
"IT ONLY TAKES ONE SPERM CELL," Fiyero yelled. Boq stood, rubbing his ass. "TO MAKE A BABY!"
Galinda was on a cot in front of Boq, screaming and thrashing about in pain. Fiyero turned away and all Boq could see was his back. When Fiyero turned back around, he was holding a baby in his arms. Galinda had collapsed back onto the cot in relief.
"AND IF YOU THINK THEY ARE CUTE, THEN YOU MUST BE CRAZY!" Fiyero shook his head in disgust and led Boq over to a tree. Elphaba was sitting on a blanket under the tree, trying to change a baby's diaper.
"BABIES SUCK 'CAUSE THEY BARF, POO, AND CRY!" Fiyero screamed as Elphaba gagged on the smell emitting from the baby. Crope came over to the tree and sat down next to Elphaba.
"AND HAVE THE ABILITY TO PEE IN YOUR EYE! BABIES SUCK 'CAUSE THEY BARF, POO, AND CRY, AND HAVE THE ABILITY TO PEE IN YOUR EYE!"
Crope tapped Elphaba on the shoulder and picked up the baby. Elphaba scrambled away as Crope unfastened the baby's diaper. A spurt of pee caught Crope in the eye and he screamed, "OH MY GOD, IT BURNS!!"
The beat of the song changed and Fiyero suddenly took on a very serious tone. "AND DID WE MENTION THE RISK OF GETTING STDs?!" He swung himself up into the tree and hung upside down as Crope thrashed about. Tibbett and his drum set appeared magically and he, too, thrashed about while banging on the drums. Elphaba swung her guitar around her neck and spun quickly.
"NOT JUST GROSS HOOKERS HAVE IT! EVEN DENNIS RODMAN COULD GET A BIT!"
Boq looked confused.
"You don't know who Dennis Rodman is?!" Fiyero questioned. "Well, maybe you should watch more basketball!!"
A man in tight shorts dribbled a basketball around Boq. "WAIT A SECOND, THIS IS NOT ABOUT SPORTS!" Fiyero screamed and grabbed the man's ball. He threw it over his shoulder.
"Quick fact!" Elphaba, Tibbett, and Crope chorused.
"YOU CAN'T GET GIRLS WHEN WEARING THESE SHORTS!" Fiyero pointed to the tight shorts of the man standing in front of Boq. Boq nodded in agreement. The man ran away, crying.
"When she gives you affection, you'd better wear protection." Boq was transported to the Philosophy Club. A dirty young woman appeared in front of him and began to dance suggestively. Elphaba and Crope sat on either side of her, playing their guitars and singing.
"That skank might have an infection. Are you paying close attention?"
The woman moved towards Boq and began to grind her hips against him. He gulped and tried to back away.
"In Sex Ed, remember what you've read. Just forget what the others have said and get it through your head."
Boq ran wildly from to the door of the Philosophy Club. He could vaguely hear Elphaba and Crope playing their guitars inside of the building. The music began to fade and Boq stopped, gasping for breath. Just as he began to think he had escaped, Elphaba and Crope appeared in front of him.
"Use your brain before you go to bed," they sang, and Elphaba patted him on the shoulder. Boq groaned.
Fiyero and Tibbett appeared, and Elphaba, Crope, and Tibbett played a few chords. Suddenly, they stopped and looked around disinterestedly. Fiyero glanced in Boq's direction.
"Ok… I don't really get what this whole thing was about, but if you could just—" But before Boq could finish his sentence, Elphaba, Crope, and Tibbett began to play again.
"YOUR BODY IS GROWING!" Fiyero screamed while swinging his arms wildly. "YOU WILL GET HAIRY!" He threw his voice-amplifying contraption to Tibbett, who was now hanging from a nearby tree. Boq wasn't sure how the drums were still playing.
"YOUR PUNY VOICE WILL START TO CHANGE AND YOUR NO-NO PLACE WILL FEEL A BIT STRANGE!" Tibbett swung on a tree branch and threw the voice-amplifier to Elphaba.
"YOUR PITS WILL STINK!" She screamed, and Boq was slightly terrified. "YOU WILL GET ZITS ON YOUR FACE!" She tossed the voice-amplifier to Crope.
"WITHOUT THIS KNOWLEDGE, YOU WILL SCARE GIRLS AWAY!" Crope bellowed.
"SO LISTEN TO THIS SONG EVERY DAY!" they all shouted. Boq stared at them.
"That song was stupid."
Fiyero, Crope, Tibbett, and Elphaba all glared and stalked towards him. Boq backed away. "Whoa, guys, what are you—?"
------
Later, after night had fallen, Boq's cries of, "Okay guys, your song rocks! Can you please get me down from this tree?!" resounded throughout the campus.
I scare myself sometimes.
-Twisted