A/N I dunno, I just like random humor, I guess.
Disclaimer: Not mine.
"Saix, how are things?"
"They're going quite smoothly. The extraction of all the hearts necessary to complete Kingdom Hearts is expected to be finished in about a month."
"And? How are the members doing?"
"Sir?"
"Their condition. I need to know how they feel in their work environment, after all."
"Lord Xemnas, to be honest, I never took you as a caring person."
"What would make you think that? I'm the boss, and as the boss, it is my duty to look after my subordinates."
"I'm flattered to have your concern."
"Come to think of it, I hardly know anything about my workers. I wish to know more, but I'm going on an important mission tomorrow."
"If you wish, I'll replace you."
"No, Saix. Both of us know how you're the kind of person to rub others the wrong way."
"Then what do you plan to do?"
"I'll get somebody who I can trust, somebody shy but popular, somebody friendly but not aloof, somebody like..."
"ME!"
Saix frowned. The members of Organization were in the main lobby, sitting on their couches and eating breakfast. Some of them, Axel in particular, looked up to see what the fuss was about. The blue-haired nobody sighed and pulled the person in question closer.
"These are the direct orders of Lord Xemnas. Should you choose to disobey, you know what the consequences are..."
"B-but why me?" The person stammered out.
"There is no need to question our superior. Now get moving. I expect to hear a full report...Number Thirteen. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to leave. I won't return until Friday."
Roxas raised his hand to object, but composed himself and walked away in defeat.
~Five Minutes Later~
"Alright! If I have to do this, I'll do my best!" Roxas shouted. He had gotten out a sheet of paper and slammed it onto his desk located inside his room. He grabbed a pencil, and began to think.
"I guess I should write a main question down to get the basic thing." Roxas thought out loud. He tightly gripped the graphite writing utensil and in neat handwriting, wrote down the first question:
What are your hobbies?
Satisfied with his results, Roxas grabbed the sheet of paper and hurried over to the photocopying room.
No. 2
"So, Xigbar."
"Hey there, Roxas! What can I do for you, brah?"
"Did you just refer to me as a female undergarment?"
"Naw, dude! I called you a brah, brah!"
"But you just said it again."
"Wha?"
"..."
"..."
"Anyways, I'm on Xemna's orde-"
"Pfft, Mansex." Xigbar chortled.
"...Yeah, so I'm on Xemna's orders to give you this." Roxas took out a sheet of paper from the pile of freshly scanned copies he was holding and gave it to Xigbar."
"DUDE! It's those target practice things you see in Police training academies and stuff! You're the bomb, Roxas!" Just before Roxas could tell him it was actually a sentence, Xigbar teleported. He then heard the sound of gunshots, with Xigbar yelling "YEE-HAW" after it.
Roxas took out his clipboard and wrote down his conclusion.
Likes to be a cowboy and nickname others after underwear.
No. 3
"What is it!"
"Xemnas wants me to-"
"You mean Mansex?"
"..Yea-"
"How DARE you refer to him in such a disgusting way!"
"What? Hold o-"
Xaldin casted aeroga and blew Roxas out of his room before he could say "Oathkeeper".
Likes interrupting people.
No. 4
"What do you want, you noob! Can't you see I'm in the middle of an important experiment!"
Roxas eyed the moogle strapped to the table. It had its stomach sliced open and its normally horizontal eyes enlargened. It mouthed the words "help me..." to which Roxas was stunned.
"Oh my GOD...they have mouths!"
"If you're just going to waste my time, I'll freeze you to death!"
"Oh, sorry! I didn't mean to-"
Vexen summoned his shield.
"!" Roxas squealed, shielding himself behind an experiment tank.
"Pfft, Mansex? He wants to be all buddy-buddy with me now...?" Vexen asked, with a cold tone in his voice.
"Y...yes."
"Oh! Well, I'm a constant donator for World Vision. I like to help out at food banks and soup kitchens. In fact, lots of people have said that I have the ability to melt the coldness in peoples' hearts!" Vexen gushed.
Roxas just stared at the ice-wielder.
Likes to go on trips to Lake Irony fish for some Hypocrite.
No. 5
"So, Lexaeus...sup?"
"..."
"...Um, what do you like to do?"
"..."
"Lexaeus?"
"Lexxy...?"
"!" The humongous nobody whipped out his tomahawk.
"I'll leave you alone for the rest of my life now."
How did anybody even find out his name?
No. 6
"...Yes?"
"Hi Zexion, I have a question for you."
The short bookworm closed his book and eyed Roxas with interest.
"Oh? Could you also be wondering about the possible cure for cancer, or analyzing Nietzche's philosophies by any chance?"
"Um...no..."
"I see." With that, Zexion returned to his reading.
"Well, what do you like to do in your spare time?"
"We're in a library. What do you think I like to do?"
Likes to think that he's Oh-So-Smart.
No. 8
"So, what d'you like to do?"
"Whatever YOU like to do, Roxy-poo!"
"Axel, I swear to God, you say that one more time, I will take my keyblade and stick it right into your-"
"Oooh! Kinky!"
"LIGHT!"
"AAUUUGGHHH!"
Likes to make my homophobia prosper.
No. 9
"Hey Demyx."
"Oh! Hey there, bud!"
"So, what do you like to do?"
"Oh, you know me. I just like hangin' around and jammin' on my sitar. The usual."
"DEMYX YOU LITTLE SHIT! WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO MY ROOM!"
"Oh crud! Larxene's coming! Gotta go!" The Melodious Nocturne surrounded himself in a wall of raging water, and was gone.
"ALRIGHT, WHERE IS HE!"
"..."
Likes to run away from women.
No. 10
"Ah, Roxas, my old chap! I assume that you would like to know about my pastimes, correct?"
"You..."
Luxord smiled. "It's nothing at all, I don't mind releasing more personal information about myself."
"Who are you?"
Silence.
Who is he?
No. 11
"Hey Marluxia."
"FLOWERS MEMORIES BETRAY POWER MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA BURN BURN BURN!" The aspiring florist cackled out. The malicious tulips and forget-me-nots danced and writhed around him in a circle.
"Well then, thank you for your time."
Likes flowers. Yup.
No. 12
"What do I like?"
"Yeah."
"ROXAS, HELP ME BUD! LARXENE GOT ME!"
The sadistic woman rubbed her chin and looked up at the ceiling. After a moment's thought, she said, "I'll have to answer that later. Right now, I have to tie this guy up and teach him a lesson."
Roxas swore he heard a high-pitched yelp escape the musician's lips.
Likes torture and bondage, but I didn't need to tell you that.
AND SO, DAYS LATER...
"So, what's the big deal, calling us all here?"
Xemnas clear his throat, and began his speech.
"First of all, I would like to commend you all for you excellent effort. I know it has been tough and hard on all of you."
"That's what she said!" Xigbar shouted out.
The room fell into a fit of giggles.
"What does that mean, Axel?" Demyx asked innocently.
"Wouldn't you like to know?" Axel said, with a wide grin on his face.
"PEOPLE! SHUT THE HELL UP!" Saix thundered. Everyone grew quiet. Roxas facepalmed.
"Anyways, I have received your feedback, and I have good news!"
"Free holiday?" Demyx asked.
"New torturing machines?"
"...?"
"Lexaeus, expressing a question mark is not gonna convey the message to any of us."
Saix growled, and everyone closed their mouths.
"Something even better...NAMETAGS!" Xemnas cried out giddily. He took out a cardboard box and dug through its contents. He took out a random piece of cardboard about the size of a playing card.
"I designed these myself, and this way we can become a bit closer to each other. Look! This nametag belongs to Axel!" He said. On the plate were the words "Hi! I'm Axel, and I'm gay!" The whole congregation burst into uproarious laughter.
Xemans laughed along with them. "Isn't it great? Everyone gets one!"
The laughter stopped. One by one, the nobodies all glared at Roxas.
"H..hey guys..."
"I think I know what my new hobbie will be..." Vexen hissed.
"Guys...?"
THE END
A/N Some mindless drabble. Please, feel free to give me feedback.