A/N: I place this story as taking place shortly before the events that take place in "The Age of Adaline." Also, if you're not extremely familiar with the movie, at this time Adaline is living under the alias Jennifer Larson just so there's no confusion about her name.
It wasn't strange for Adaline to be lost in a pile books. Being buried, almost quite literally, by the stacks and stacks of books around her was a daily occurrence. For her there was something soothing about being surrounded by them. Even after all this time, she still didn't know what caused them to hold such magic. She didn't know if it was the age of them and how they held years long passed but preserved in within her mind and their pages that she treasured so much. Or maybe it was the knowledge they held and how it seemed to limitless, providing new things for her to discover even after 106 years of life.
She loved her job. She had loved it since the day she got it. She was loathe to think about the day, and it wasn't that far off now, when she would have to disappear from her current life leaving this job and everything else in her life behind. She could hardly believe how fast the last ten years had passed. It just didn't seem possible that so much time had passed since that first day she worked at the library. She also wished desperately that there was some way it could not be so; she didn't know if she would be able to find a job she liked as much as this one.
While the activities of today were not unusual for Adaline her setting was. It was not her library or her books that she was surrounded by at present. Today found her in the New York Public Library instead of the San Francisco one where she made her home. She had been sent here to work a project that the two libraries were collaborating on. They had been working for quite a while over phone and e-mail on the project but there was some work that had to be done in person. She had been eager to go but upon arrival found she had her work cut out for her. Not that she minded a challenge. She soon found herself thoroughly engrossed in the project, so much that she almost forgot anything else around her.
"Excuse me. Do you work here?"
Adaline had been so caught up in her work that she hadn't seen the woman approach and didn't realize she was there until she had spoken. When Adaline looked up at her she had to admit some surprise and not just on an account of the woman startling her when she had been so caught up in her books. Maybe it was stereotypical but it was also the truth that you didn't see women like this too often here. As someone who had spent a great deal of time in a library, Adaline knew that women so beautiful and dressed so finely didn't often find themselves at public library.
But the woman had a warm and kind smile and her voice was soft and inviting. Adaline found herself noticing the way the woman had her lovely blonde hair styled and her bright red lipstick. Adaline supposed they called it 'retro' or 'vintage' these days but she remembered when everyone had worn a look very similar. As someone who favored those old looks she always noticed when someone else did too and was glad it seemed to be growing in popularity again.
Adaline pulled herself up off the ground and the books spread in front of her to answer the woman. "Yes, I do. Can I help you with something?" she asked, even though she thought she might not be able to help with too much since this wasn't really her library.
"There doesn't seem to be anyone at the circulation desk. Could you help me check these books out real quick?"
Adaline smiled. That was something she could help out with. "Sure."
"Thank you very much," the woman said earnestly as she followed Adaline to front desk.
Adaline stepped behind the counter and took the books from the woman. She felt her cheeks instantly burn when she saw the titles that were on them. She didn't know this library carried books on such subject matter. She also knew she would never have the nerve to check out such books.
The surprise must have shown on her face because when she looked up the woman was smiling at her. She didn't seem to have any embarrassment for checking them out and even seemed to get some enjoyment out of Adaline's unease over them. Adaline quickly averted her eyes back down away from the woman. Adaline kicked herself for showing any emotion over the books. She was supposed to be above that. People checked out books on embarrassing subject matter; it happened. But this time was much more difficult to pretend. There was something about this particular subject that was hard to ignore as she normally would.
"They're for research," the woman said with a smile.
Adaline was sure they were research; surely an unsavory kind that someone of her age and earlier 20th century upbringing still had difficulty not squirming at the idea of. It wasn't that she was closed minded. Times had changed a lot in her lifetime and she thought she had adapted along with them rather well. But there were still times that she struggled with just how far the times had come from what she'd been born into. She found herself feeling hotter and she was not about to encourage a conversation on this matter.
"Uh huh," she said with a nod but not making eye contact as she pretend to be very busy scanning the woman's library card and books.
However, the woman seemed intent on talking about it despite Adaline's efforts to deter her. "Professional research of course."
This conversation was getting more and more unusual by the second. The woman was smiling almost as if it were a joke. Even if it weren't a joke she was getting enjoyment out of teasing Adaline. "That must be some job," Adaline remarked a bit of discomfort in her voice.
"Oh it is. I'm a domination therapist."
Adaline groaned, quietly to herself. It seemed that this woman was bent on having a conversation and wasn't going to settle for Adaline's continued silence on the matter. She was now reminded why she was grateful she hardly ever worked the circulation desk; she hated when people felt they had to carry on a conversation in the short time it took to check out a book. It only took a minute; there was no need to fill the silence.
"Can't say I've ever heard of that," Adaline said as she scanned the books and paid as little attention to the woman that she could.
"I help people unlock their pain."
"By torturing them?" Adaline asked skeptically, glancing over the titles of the books again.
"Torturing them? No. Inflicting pain? Yes. I help them to trade that for their emotional pain."
"Why are you telling me this?" Adaline finally asked, as politely as she could mange. She'd stopped her work to help this woman but she was quickly wishing she hadn't bothered. She had to admit that the idea was new to her and strangely interesting. But the woman seemed to have some intention behind what she was saying and Adaline wanted to know what it was.
"Because I think you might be interested in my services."
"Why would you think I would be interested in such a thing?" Adaline asked, appalled at the implication and blushing at the thought.
The woman paused before she answered, the smile leaving her face. "Because you're in pain."
Adaline couldn't help but stare at the woman now. She said it as a statement; not a question. She was sure of herself. Gone was teasing that had been in the woman's tone just a moment ago. Replacing it was true concern.
She was rattled by the true look of care in the woman's eyes and the way they focused on her. "Do you make a habit of soliciting your services to your librarian?" Adaline asked trying to cover up what she was feeling and distract the woman from this train of thought. She refused to confirm the woman's accusation, true as it may be.
"I do if I think they're alone and don't have anyone to help them."
There was no evil intent in the woman's words. It wasn't often that Adaline was read like a book but apparently this woman was one of the few that seemed to be able to do it. This woman's words rocked Adaline to her core and made her feel cold. Tears started to form in her eyes and she felt absurd for getting so upset after such little provocation.
"Am I right?" the woman gently prodded. She wasn't asking it in a smug way. She didn't want to know only to prove that she had been right. Adaline could see that she was asking out of genuine interest.
Adaline swallowed hard, completely shaken by the deductions and unsure if she could answer the question without becoming undone. She took a deep breath, looked up and handed the woman the books, somehow managing to put on a smile.
The woman smiled, accepting both Adaline's refusal to answer and her invitation to leave. But before she left she took out a business card, laid it down on the counter and slid it towards Adaline. "It was a pleasure to meet you Ms. Larson," she said glancing at Adaline's name tag. "If you change your mind, this is where you can find me."
Adaline watched the mysterious woman leave and didn't glance down at the card until she was gone. She picked up the card to find written on it the name Iona Payne.
For the rest of the day Adaline could not get her brief meeting with Iona Payne out of her mind. As much as she tried to put it behind her she just couldn't stop thinking of it nor could she dismiss the emotions it had stirred up.
The conversation had left her so rattled that after Iona had left she'd had to go to the bathroom for a few minutes to be alone and collect herself. No one took notice of Adaline. She did her best not to be noticed, to be quiet, to blend into the background and it almost always worked. People rarely noticed her at all and if they did they certainly didn't ask her about her feelings like Iona had. Being ignored was the outcome Adaline set out to achieve but it was not the one she desired. In fact, she hated that it had to be that way.
No one could ever take one look at her was able to see inside of her heart as Iona had. The fact that someone had looked at her and had really seen her, shook her. Adaline hoped that she was not really as easy to read as Iona had made it seem. Adaline reassured herself that if Iona really was a therapist it would explain why she was able to do it so easily.
Adaline wanted to believe that she wasn't in pain like Iona had said she was. Most of the time Adaline went through her days, happy with the way things were, taking pleasure in the things she could, convincing herself that she was satisfied with her solitary life. She always made herself believe that. The second she stopped to question her life at all, a wound inside of her would open and light would be shed on her life, making her see how really lonely and sad her life was. That wound was now open and Adaline didn't know what to do to make it stop aching.
She hadn't been able to resist doing some research on the woman that she had met. She had done a quick search on Iona and found that it appeared she was who she said she was. Or at least, according to her website she was. She found Iona's website, advertising her special brand of 'domination therapy.' If seemed this strange form of therapy that Adaline had never heard was actually a real thing.
Adaline found herself blushing but at the same time darkly curious as she had read about what this particular therapy entailed. It was strangely fascinating. It wasn't often that she encountered anything new, even rarer that found herself surprised by anything. It happened so seldom that whenever she did she found herself drawn to it. New experiences, firsts of any kind, were so rare she longed for them. So much so, she found herself desiring to know more about this, despite the fact that she should shy away from it.
Adaline was desperate for a break in the mundane. Everything just seemed so predictable and old to her. Life could just get so boring at times. And lonely. Iona had been right about that. Adaline was alone and sad. She wasn't sure how time spent with Iona and her kind of therapy could help with that but she was curious enough and desperate that she found herself wanting to try it. She so wanted to make this ache that she always ignored but now felt intensely, go away.
But Adaline reminded her herself that she wasn't like others. She didn't have the luxury of going to therapy, even unconventional types. She only let people into her life that she had to. Most only made it to the surface level of a relationship with her but she kept those relationships at a minimum too. Every person that knew about her was another opportunity for things to go wrong. Anybody could figure out her secret. If she let just one wrong detail out she may be discovered. Even if she went to someone for therapy under her false name and told them lies, it was still be a terrible idea.
She finally gave up on the idea of going to see Iona, crumpling the card she'd given her and tossing it in the trash with a sigh. She found she didn't particularly like the outcome but the matter was closed in her mind.
Adaline pulled on her coat as she left the library, feeling particularly tired after the day. She didn't relish the idea of going back to a hotel room rather than the comfort of home but things were what they were.
It wasn't far so she decided to walk there. She'd gotten several blocks away and had almost distracted herself from the day's events by focusing on what food she was going to pick up for dinner and what movie she could rent when she spotted Iona several feet from her but walking in her direction.
Adaline froze for a second. It felt irrational to want to run from Iona but that was exactly what she felt. She'd just managed to put it all behind her and she didn't feel like starting over. She tried to walk the opposite way, but it was too late; Iona had seen her.
"Ms. Larson, we meet again," she greeted with a smile.
Adaline stopped, knowing she was caught and there was nowhere for her to hide. She had already dismissed the idea of seeing Iona again; she had made up her mind that she wouldn't go to see her in her professional capacity. She didn't want to have to speak with her again because she knew that she probably didn't have the strength to refuse Iona a second time.
She composed her face and turned, trying her best to make it seem as if she hadn't been trying to run away. "Ms…Payne," she greeted, though it felt a little silly to address her by that name.
"Where are you headed this evening?" Iona asked with a smile and quick once over look of Adaline.
Adaline tried not to squirm or fidget under the brief but definite appraisal. "Oh, I'm done for the day. Just headed home for the night."
"I don't suppose you've changed your mind about my offer?"
"No, no," Adaline said shaking her head and looking down when her cheeks blushed at the thought. "I, uh, think I'm quite alright."
She found Iona's eyes on her when she looked back up. Iona stared at her and probably didn't believe her but she said, "Well, if you're sure. Have a good evening," she said as she started to walk away.
"I…uh…" Adaline blurted out awkwardly, surprising herself that she was speaking. She found she didn't want Iona to leave though she hadn't exactly planned on stopping her. Iona turned around and looked at her curiously. Adaline held her arms up awkwardly, about to say something but she didn't know what it was she was going to say. She hadn't even meant to stop Iona.
Iona waited patiently for her to continue, a smile tugging at the corner of her lips. After a few moments of silence Adaline finally just huffed, crossed her arms and looked defeated in her efforts to come up with something clever to say.
"I'm headed to my office. Why don't you come with me?" Iona finally offered.
Adaline still found herself trying to fight it. Some part of her still believed that she was going to be able to resist Iona, despite the fact that she couldn't even come up with a reason not to.
Iona smiled when Adaline just stood there, knowing she'd won even though Adaline hadn't admitted anything. "You're going to follow me," she said with a tilt of her head and she turned and continued to walk on.
Adaline frowned as she watched Iona go but she knew, just as everything else Iona had said, it was true.
Adaline wasn't even sure how she had made it here. The walk to Iona's office was all a bit of the blur. She couldn't quite believe that she had accepted Iona's invitation and had walked here willing, but that's exactly what had happened. At least there was the pretense that she had resisted somewhat. She felt it was important to at least to pretend she had tried to put up a fight. Not that it really mattered all that much since she was here in the end anyway.
They'd walked here in silence. Iona had at least spared her the embarrassment of pointing anything else out but Adaline had to wonder what was going to happen. Adaline looked around Iona's office nervously, pretty sure there was no way she could feel any more out of place. This room appeared quite normal, resembling an ordinary counselor's office, but there was a red curtain to the right of the room and she was pretty sure that whatever was behind it was not at all normal.
"Just have a seat," Iona said, indicating the couch and taking the one opposite of Adaline. "We'll start just by talking."
Adaline felt better but only slightly. She took off her coat and set it beside her as she sat down.
"What would you like me to call you? Ms. Larson is a bit formal but I could use it if you want. But perhaps you prefer Jennifer or Jenny?" Iona asked.
She wanted to say she preferred Adaline. Over fifty years had passed since she had started to live under false names but it never got any easier. Every time she had to introduce herself to someone new it cut into her to say she was someone else. She'd taken for granted how much of herself was in her name, the name her parents had given her all those years ago. She couldn't even recall the last time she'd heard someone call her by the right one.
"Jennifer is fine," she answered after some moments thinking on the subject.
"Alright, Jennifer it is then."
"I take it Iona Payne is not your given name?"
"You're very clever," Iona said with a sly smile. It was the only confirmation that Adaline was going to get that she was right and she knew there would be no further information offered. Adaline now wished she had been paying attention earlier when she's scanned Iona's library card. She could have known her real name but she'd been too caught up at the time with the subject matter of the books Iona had checked out.
Adaline found though she actually took a little comfort in that. Maybe it made her feel better for living under a false name herself knowing that Iona was as well.
"I must admit, I don't know why you seem interested in me," Adaline said, feeling at a loss.
"As I said before, you looked sad. Sad but forgotten. It seemed as if you had a burden you were carrying and no one had bothered to notice."
Adaline was surprised by both Iona's accurateness on the subject and her way of expressing exactly the way Adaline felt. "How could you know that?"
"When I approached you earlier I stood there for quite a while and you never noticed. I had to try several times to get your attention. It just made me think you were used to being caught in your own world, with your own concerns; separate from everyone else. Isolated."
"Oh," she said slightly nodding her head. She hadn't expected such an answer and it left her at a loss for words.
"How long has it been since someone's asked you how you were? Since you've had someone to confide in?"
"It's, uh, it's been a while," Adaline admitted with some difficulty.
"I could tell," Iona said gently.
Adaline looked down at her lap in embarrassment. "I must wear my heart right on my sleeve then."
"There's no reason to feel exposed," Iona said in attempt to reassure her. "I tend to see what others don't. I can recognize when someone's in pain. It's a gift I have; one that ultimately led to my choice in career."
She had felt embarrassed, but the truth was Adaline did want to be seen. The thing about being alone for so long is that it sometimes left you a little too open. She had been alone for so long that it only took a little push and she found herself wanting to spill her guts to this woman just because she had been kind enough to take notice.
"You seem to know me pretty well."
"You actually remind me a lot of a friend of mine," Iona said with a smile.
The way that she said 'friend' made Adaline think the person she had in mind was not only a friend to her. "How so?" she asked slightly curious.
"You're young but you seem very mature. You're wise and sophisticated well beyond your years" Iona paused, her face turning serious and slightly sad. "And you're sad. It's in your eyes, like you've lost everything you loved time and time again, much more than someone should by your age."
Iona was right and she knew it. Somehow, in just a glance she had been able to see the outline of Adaline's long and lonely story.
"Why don't you tell me a little about yourself?" Iona said gently, looking for some details to fill in those blanks.
Adaline paused. Such a question always made her pause. Her life was made of lies. Conversations were always balancing acts of trying to conceal the truth but still make it all sound believable. She said the least amount she could in all situations but she wasn't sure how to avoid it now.
"Jennifer, I assure you that I take my confidentiality policy very seriously. What is done here and said here, never leaves. No one but me will ever know you were here or what you said."
Adaline nodded but still found it hard to know where to start. She knew that what Iona was saying was sincere but she still didn't talk to people very often about her life and she was unsure of how to begin.
Noticing her delay Iona spoke again. "Let's try it this way. How long have you lived in New York?"
"I don't actually. I'm from San Francisco."
"Wow, that's quite the journey. What brings you all this way?"
"I work for the San Francisco Public Library and we're working on a special project with the New York Public Library. I was sent here to do some work on it in person."
"Well, what an interesting series of events to lead you to my office."
"Yeah, I suppose so," Adaline said nervously with a small smile, wringing her hands a bit.
"Do you have a family?"
Adaline paused, staring at Iona and wondering quickly how much she should tell her. Iona would be able to tell if she were lying so she knew she would have to be especially careful with her words. Still, it felt wrong to tell this stranger any of the details of her life.
"Jennifer, you can trust me," Iona reassured her again when she hesitated.
Adaline took a deep breath. "I was married. But my husband died. It was an accident at work a few years after we were married."
Iona's face filled with sympathy. "I'm very sorry that happened to you."
Adaline felt the sincerity of her words. It wasn't fake sympathy that people offered just to be polite; it was genuine. It had been so long since she'd talked about her husband and the loss of him. It had been so long since it had happened but feeling Iona's sympathy towards her brought a little of it back and reminded her that she would never truly be rid of it.
"It's fine, it's been a while," she said with a shrug. She wasn't sure why she was making excuses. Maybe so it wouldn't bother her as much. She was surprised at the sudden sting of it.
"Do you have any children?"
"Yes, one, a daughter."
"How old is she?" Iona asked with sincere interest.
"I'd rather not say," Adaline heard herself say quickly. It sounded strange. She had no logical reason for why she would want to keep it to herself. It would have been much easier to make up a lie but she couldn't come up with one for this woman for some reason.
"Fair enough," Iona said and Adaline was glad she let it drop. She certainly couldn't tell her the truth. "Do you have any other family?"
"All of my extended family is gone," Adaline said simply. And had been for quite some time, but she failed to add that. She found herself feeling sorrowful the longer this conversation went on. Iona was only trying to get to know her and the questions were innocent enough. But they made Adaline realize how sad her situation really was.
"I mostly keep to myself," Adaline added herself, sadness now heavy in her tone.
Noticing that the conversation was quickly upsetting Adaline Iona realized they were narrowing in on Adaline's pain. She leaned in a little closer. "Why is that, Jennifer?"
Adaline shook her head a little, realizing just how emotional she was becoming already and trying to keep her bearings. She quickly looked around the room, her eyes lingering on that ominous red curtain, to remind herself of just where she was before she forgot herself.
"You're nervous?" Iona asked, when she noticed what had caught Adaline's gaze.
"No," Adaline said quickly shaking her head and turning to look back at Iona.
"It's alright if you are. Fear, anxiety...they are normal human emotions. Everyone feels them; there's no reason to be embarrassed by them."
"I'm not embarrassed by them."
"Perhaps not," Iona said, though it was obvious she had her doubts. "You are, however, embarrassed by the fact you want to be here," Iona said.
Adaline looked at her curiously. It was true but she had no idea how Iona could know that. But it did embarrass her even to admit it. "I am intrigued. It isn't often I find things that surprise me."
"Curiosity in itself is not a bad thing."
"But it feels somehow wrong in this case," Adaline admitted rubbing a nervous hand at the back of her neck.
"You're here to get help. That certainly isn't something to apologize for. Why does it bother you?"
"I am a traditionalist. I don't normally choose to participate in things that are so...unconventional."
"Well, then I'm flattered you decided to give it a try," Iona said with a smile.
"I'm not sure it's for me yet," Adaline said quickly so as to clear things up. She still wasn't sure she was going to go through this and she wanted Iona to understand.
"That's fine. Ask any questions that you might have."
"Well, I did do some research on you," Adaline admitted.
"I expected nothing less," Iona said with a nod of her head.
"I know what it is that you do. I guess I'm just unsure of how...this is supposed to work," she said delicately. "You say you help people unlock their pain."
"That's right."
"By inflicting physical pain?"
Iona smiled. "Yes."
"I don't think I see how the two are linked."
"It's about control. Often times we bury our problems. After we sustain a hurt we do everything we can to maintain control in our life. We build walls to protect ourselves. But by protecting ourselves from things getting in, we also keep other things from getting out. If you give over control physically, if you endure the physical pain, then you give over your emotional control as well and those barriers start coming down."
"And it works, just like that?" Adaline asked skeptically.
"There is a science to it I assure you. I take every person and their particular situation into account. I tailor the therapy sessions for what each person needs at that time. It's not simple; it's a very complex thing but, yes, it does work. People never truly want to be in control all of the time.
Adaline had never really thought if she was a submissive person or a dominate one. If she had to pick she would probably say she was a submissive one. But just like so many other things, she did not have the luxury of relenting to another person. She had to be in control. She had to keep so much distance between herself and others that there was no way anyone could ever get even remotely close to her. She didn't even know anymore what it would feel like to let someone else dictate her situation.
To keep herself from wondering how good that might be she focused again on her disbelief. "So, you're saying people actually desire for you to hurt them?"
"People desire emotional release. The physical pain is just the means that makes it possible. I think you would be very surprised in that situation."
"I don't know about that."
"I would wager that eventually you would even ask me to keep the pain going, rather than asking for it to stop."
"I doubt that."
Iona stood up and walked over to Adaline. "There's only one way to find out."
Adaline glanced over to the red curtain, knowing that Iona meant for them to go into the room behind it. She was extremely curious to know what was in there but she was also very afraid. All of this still made so little sense to her; she had no idea what that room contained. But she did know that she would be leaving her right to be in control in this room. Once they got inside of there, Iona would be charge and that was enough to make Adaline pause.
"Let me take care of you, Jennifer," Iona said reaching a hand out and touching Adaline's face.
Adaline found herself being drawn after Iona. Just one sincere offer of help and all her remaining doubts and arguments were out the window. She couldn't recall the last time someone had wanted to take care of her and she found it impossible to argue against it.
Iona pulled back the curtain and walked into a dimly lit room behind it where she kept all manner of torture devices. Adaline followed, very slowly behind, lingering just inside the room. She nervously surveyed the room not coming any further inside.
"Don't be shy," Iona said, noticing Adaline's unease.
"I suppose I'm nervous about not being in control," Adaline admitted as she stepped slowly to the middle of the room to join Iona.
"I don't think so" Iona said with a brief shake of her head.
"What?"
"I don't think you're nervous about it at all. I think you rather anticipate the idea of letting someone else be in charge."
"Why would I?"
"Because you're always in charge."
"I must be."
Iona smiled knowingly and Adaline knew she'd said just a little too much. "But it's exhausting, isn't it? You just let me do that for you now."
Adaline was about to argue but Iona didn't wait for her to agree. Iona moved to stand in front of her and first slid the small cardigan she was wearing over her dress off her shoulders. The air in the room felt cold on her now exposed arms. Iona watched her the entire time and though Adaline was not used to being under such intense study she was finding it easier to accept in time. Iona reached above them where two sets of handcuffs hung from a bar. Adaline didn't find herself putting up any fight as Iona took her hands one by one and cuffed them into place.
"How's that?" Iona asked.
Adaline wasn't really sure how she was supposed to answer that. She'd never been handcuffed before. She'd had awful nightmares about being arrested, of being handcuffed and imprisoned, of being strapped on a table and dissected after her close call with the FBI. But that had been many decades ago and the nightmares didn't come like they had. The fears, of course, were still there but they weren't as strong as they had been. She found she didn't fear this.
"Too tight?" Iona asked when Adaline still hadn't answered.
"No, it's fine." Adaline had to remind herself that this was not like anything she had feared in the past or present. She had come here willingly; she had chosen this. Iona didn't know her secret and she was here to take care of her, strange as that may be.
Almost as if reading her thoughts, Iona spoke again. "I am in charge here but do remember that if something makes you uncomfortable you need to tell me. We can stop this at any time you want."
"Alright," Adaline agreed. She eyed the handcuffs above her suspiciously. For some reason she hadn't expected to be bound. Perhaps she should have but she had only been thinking about the pain ahead and hadn't really considered the bondage.
"This will keep you from struggling," Iona said, answering her silent question with a smile.
Adaline felt herself shudder slightly inside but managed to keep herself from it on the outside. "Against what?" She couldn't keep herself from asking but she did manage to at least keep her voice steady.
"The comfort," Iona said simply and calmly.
"Are you sure it isn't the pain you wish to keep me from escaping?"
"Oh, make no mistake; you will be struggling against that. But not nearly as much as you will be to let me keep me from comforting you."
"Why would you think that?"
"Pain; you're used to that. But attention…" Iona paused reaching out a finger and trailing it slowly down Adaline's check, "…care; that's foreign to you."
Adaline realized she hadn't fought the cuffs at all. Now that she had decided to go through with this she hadn't resisted being bound or the pain that made it necessary. But the comfort, the slight touch of Iona's hand on her face, that she did have to make a conscious effort not to resist.
How did this woman seem to know so much about her? How was it possible? Already Adaline started to feel herself feeling vulnerable. But instead she drew on her strength.
"You seem awful sure of yourself in everything Ms. Payne."
"I do make a habit of it," Iona teased back.
Iona seemed to be enjoying this. For some reason, that made Adaline angry. "Well, maybe you shouldn't be. You don't know everything; especially about me."
Iona only smiled at Adaline's ire making her even angrier. "You are very stubborn," she said with a slight shake of her head.
"And you're sure about that too I suppose?" Adaline asked with a snap. She was a little fed up with Iona and her certainty on everything. Adaline thought with a start, maybe she was jealous of it. What must it be like to be so certain of others? What must it be like to be so certain of yourself?
"Of course. All of my clients are. If they weren't do you think they would be in my company? After all, we're not just sitting on a couch and talking about our feelings."
Adaline couldn't really argue with the logic of that statement. And she was rather distracted by what Iona was saying. This wasn't normal therapy; they wouldn't just be having a conversation about Adaline and her problems. Iona was going to be beating the words out Adaline with some sort of physical pain.
"Why would you do all of this?" Adaline asked. Iona was sure to have had her fair share of hard cases but Adaline felt she was probably being even more resistant than Iona's typical client. She had been resistant and skeptical from the start and now she was lashing out.
"Because you need someone to talk to. For whatever reason you feel you can't do that with those in your life. But just because you refuse to speak doesn't mean the need to just goes away. It's still in there; it's my job to draw it out. And I'm there to listen when it comes."
"You sure seem to know a lot about this."
"Your situation is not at all as unique as you might believe it to be."
Adaline couldn't help but laugh. "I think you would be surprised."
Iona smiled and leaned forward. "Then surprise me."
It was a challenge, one that Adaline was sure she could succeed at. Iona might think there was nothing new for her to hear. Adaline was sure she probably had heard it all; all in the normal realm of reality anyway. But at the same time Adaline also knew her singular experience would be new to Iona. She was sure she could throw her problems at Iona and they would be new to her. But she couldn't. She couldn't stay here, she couldn't talk.
"Let me go," Adaline blurted out suddenly.
"What?"
"I said release me," she said with more urgency. "You said you would if I asked."
"Of course," Iona said reaching up to undo the cuffs on Adeline's wrists without further argument.
Adaline was one second from making a run for it, but Iona faced her and laid a gentle hand on her shoulder. It couldn't stop her by force alone if she wanted to run but it stopped her all the same.
"Please...let me go," Adaline said, nearly begging now. Iona wasn't holding her here; if she really wanted to go then she could. But Iona kept her there still in another way.
"Just relax for a second," Iona said quietly. "I won't make you stay. I just don't want you to leave upset."
"I'm fine," Adaline said though it couldn't be more unconvincing. She closed her eyes and pressed the back of her hand to her mouth. She suddenly felt, very much like she was going to cry. She hardly ever cried and it had snuck up on her.
"I'm sorry," Iona said starting to slowly rub her thumb back and forth where it rested on Adaline's shoulder. "I didn't mean to do anything that would upset you."
Adaline felt herself distracted by the touch. Such a small gesture but it was foreign to her. "You didn't. I...I just...I need to go."
"Please let me make it better for you, Jennifer. Even if we don't go any farther I don't want you leaving feeling worse than when you came. That's never my intent."
Why did she have to be nice? Why couldn't she just be mean? Why wasn't she rough like Adaline had expected? Why was she so gentle? If she were telling Adaline what to do, it would be so easy. She'd have no problem walking straight out this door and having not another thought of it. Refusing the orders of others had been woven into the fabric of her being when false names and identities became her life. She'd had to become that way. But when she was asking and not telling, Adaline didn't know what to do with that. Why did she have to be so kind? Why did Adaline have to have it?
When Iona saw that Adaline wasn't running she continued. "You can run from a lot of things. But you can't run from yourself. Secrets hurt; especially the ones you keep from yourself."
Adaline's eyes shot open to look into Iona's. For a second she was paralyzed with fear that Iona knew. She spoke with such understanding it was like she knew Adaline's secret. Iona looked as if she could look into her very soul. Could she see the fears Adaline held? Could she see all the years she carried on herself? But Adaline's senses returned to her. Of course, Iona didn't know exactly what her secret was; there was no way she could. She only knew that Adaline had one.
"If you don't deal with them, they'll only continue to hurt you."
Adaline took a deep breath. She found it steadying and she felt herself already starting to accept this would happen.
"I want to help you unlock that pain. Will you let me try?" Iona asked. As she did she removed her hand from Adaline's shoulder, signaling that the decision was all hers and she was completely free to go if she still wanted to. Adaline already found herself wishing it were back.
She nodded her head and looked at Iona shyly. "Thank you," Iona said. She squeezed Adaline's shoulder. "Shall I put the cuffs back on or not?"
"You better. I can be stubborn."
Iona smiled and was obviously pleased at the admission. But there was a hint of seriousness in her voice when she spoke again. "Only if you're certain."
She paused, allowing Adaline a moment to think it over. She thought the bondage was what had nearly scared Adaline away but it wasn't that; it was being out of control. However, that had nothing to do with the handcuffs. "I'm certain," Adaline said with a firm nod of her head.
"Alright."
Iona reached for Adaline's hands again and one by one cuffed them. She gave the second one a squeeze before she walked over and raised Adaline into the stress position. The hardware clicked with a sense of finality to it.
This time when the cuffs went around her wrists she instantly felt secure. She was always running, always hiding. But right now she couldn't run; there was nowhere or way for her to hide. She would have thought that feeling would terrify her but it was instead a relief. It was an exhausting, stressful life she lived and it felt incredibly good to be able to escape that.
"I won't make you say anything that you are not comfortable with. What's important is that we help you unlock your pain. It's not necessary for me to know about it; only that you are aware of it," Iona spoke as a further reassurance to Adaline.
Adaline felt much more relived hearing this. It felt good to have a place where she could stop but still keep her secrets. She'd never been one for counseling. After all, it wasn't as if she could be honest with a therapist about the troubles that bothered her the most. But Iona was saying that she didn't even have to talk at all here.
Adaline found herself further intrigued about this therapy, especially in connection with her. One often equated therapy with words; your problems expressed in words, answers for them given back in words. But this therapy required none. It was much more basic and in a way more pure than that. This would provide her the opportunity to get down to the root of her problem and become familiar with it without having to grapple with those words she was unable to express.
She could just feel. She would feel pain, she would felt comfort, she would feel her problems. She could exchange the pain she felt inside for a simpler one; a kind that she would feel on the outside. She could express that and she would receive care for them both. The idea was both liberating and terrifying. The idea of some sort of release was a comfort but it had been so long since she'd had it she no longer had an idea of what it would be like.
She also had no idea how Iona would come about that. Adaline feared the emotional pain the worst. The opening up of a heart and examining oneself was dreadfully painful. But she'd be lying if she said she didn't fear that physical pain as well. One look around this room would scare anyone. Had she longer to examine the room her imagination could surely run wild with fears of what could happen in this room. Adaline didn't consider herself a lightweight when it came to pain but she wasn't valiant enough to think herself able to endure a great deal of it either. She wondered what Iona would choose to use on her. How would she inflict her pain? What if she couldn't handle it for long?
"Ah...so, so, how will you do that?" she asked, feeling anxious.
Iona walked behind her and she could no longer see her but she heard her. She heard the rattle of some equipment and her anxiety increased with the knowledge that something very real was about to happen.
"I thought I would use electrocution for you."
She said it so simply and matter of fact one would have thought they were discussing the weather. "Isn't that fatal?" Adaline asked trying to sound carefree and pretend that the idea of it didn't scare her.
"Not if the person administering it knows what they are doing," Iona said coming around to face Adaline again. "And I assure you I am quite capable at it."
Iona held a black wand in her hand, tapping it against the palm of her other one a few times. "What is that?"
"It's a cattle prod. It has different settings on it. I can start it out low and increase the intensity of the shocks as need be."
"It sounds so simple."
"It is. I wish I were able to use it more often."
"You don't choose it very often?"
"No, not very often."
"Why not?"
"I choose my method based on the client and their needs. Electrocution isn't an ideal method for very many.
"Why is that?" Adaline asked. She briefly wondered if she had set herself aside in a bad way. She was stalling and she knew it but she couldn't seem to make herself stop either.
"Most of my clients are male. Electrocution isn't usually a good method for them."
"Why not?"
"Men can be stubborn," she said, a smiling. "And they are full of pride. So, I often have to use something much harsher with them. Even when I want to be easier on them I usually can't. But women…they are more easily persuaded. I can afford to be a little gentler with them."
Iona had slowly made her way closer and closer to Adaline until she was just a couple of inches from her face. Though Adaline had a few inches on Iona, it did not stop her from feeling Iona's authority over her. "Which do you prefer working with?" Adaline asked curiously.
Iona smiled and backed away. "That's enough questions for you Ms. Larson. This isn't a research session; it's therapy. Might as well get to it."
Iona walked back behind her and Adaline felt very nervous now that the delaying was over and this was actually going to happen. She couldn't help the anxiety from getting to her, especially since she couldn't see Iona or what she was doing. "You will be gentle?" she asked anxiously.
Behind her, she felt Iona place one hand on waist, not too low that it made her uncomfortable but close enough it felt intimate. "Of course," Iona said.
Her other hand went to the zipper on the back of Adaline's dress. Adaline felt her breath catch in her throat as Iona started to inch the zipper down, exposing her back slightly.
"You alright?" Iona asked her hand stalling for a moment.
"Yes, fine," Adaline said and she was pretty sure that it was truth. Trust was a discipline that was sorely out of shape in her. She hardly ever used it. She was scarcely ever given the chance to. But she willed herself to give it a try this time. She really had no reason to give it to this woman but she wanted to.
She felt Iona take the zipper the rest of the way before pulling the sides of her dress back just a little giving Iona access to most of Adaline's back. The air now hit her back but it was not what made her shiver. It was, instead, knowing why Iona was doing it.
She flinched when she first felt the tip of the cattle prod hit her back. It wasn't on yet; she'd only be afraid of it. She instantly felt silly for reacting so strongly and was now extremely worked up because of it.
"Shh. Don't worry," Iona said gently, softly placing her other hand on Adaline's back for a second to steady her. "We're going to take this slow. This is your first time so we'll take it easy. And I never take it further than anybody can handle. I promise you that."
Adaline tried to take comfort in Iona's words. But she was afraid. She was afraid that it wouldn't take much to break her. If this was really about emotional release then she figured she was not far from achieving that. She was worried that Iona would start and she would be able to last long. Maybe it was petty to be worried she would appear weak and frailer than her other clients but she worried about it all the same.
"The most important thing to remember is that if you need me to stop say so. If this becomes too much you tell me and it will stop. You understand that, right?" Iona said breaking through her thoughts from behind.
"I do understand."
"Good," Iona said, approval in her voice.
Her left hand still held Adaline steady at her waist, the cattle prod in the other. Adaline felt the end of it retreat for a moment before returning to hit her and this time it was on.
"Oh," Adaline said in surprise and a bit confused. It didn't hurt at all. It was like a small pinch. It was quick, slight, and was easily forgotten. She let out a breath of relief that it hadn't hurt like she thought it would. Though somewhere in her mind whispered it would not last.
"Not so bad?" Iona asked. "How are you doing?"
"I'm fine. That actually didn't hurt."
"I promised we'd go slow."
Iona slowly worked through the next few settings. She hit Adaline with a few shocks on each level before moving on to the next. Adaline was surprised at how easily manageable it was to deal with. It didn't hurt and she closed her eyes and focused on the motion of Iona's movements, the rhythm of her leaning in and her grip tightening on Adaline slightly with each shock. Adaline had almost convinced herself that she had worried for nothing. This was certainly something she could manage. It wasn't until Iona had moved up several levels that Adaline noticed a real change.
The pain suddenly turned into a twisting burn pain. Adaline was sure that Iona had skipped a few levels this time. It went a little deeper into her and it lingered for a few moments. It had moved from being classified as uncomfortable to being actual pain. Not terrible pain, nothing she couldn't deal with…yet. But she had to focus on it, had to breathe a little deeper to get over it. Sweat started to collect on her forehead, the room feeling hot.
"How was that?"
"That one hurt a little," Adaline admitted.
Iona made no comment and Adaline was sure her answer was no surprise; it was surely the one Iona had been trying to achieve.
The next shock wasn't harder but Iona made it last a little longer. Her hand was steady on Adaline's waist as she held the prod against her back. Adaline felt relief when it ended. Her hands balled in fists and she squeezed her eyes shut trying to recover from it.
"Good. Very good," Iona praised her voice close to Adaline's ear. She squeezed Adaline's shoulder with the hand she'd moved there.
Iona had been right; Adaline wanted to struggle against the comfort. It wasn't the pain at the moment that she felt like running from it was the affection. There was praise and warmth in Iona's voice and Adaline surprised to find herself the object of it. She didn't hear that tone used with her, ever, and she found herself desperately hungry for it.
But at the same time she was afraid it. She knew she wanted it but for some reason she wanted to reject it. She wanted to deny it, make an argument against it. Comfort was something she sought but was usually running short on. Now someone wanted to give it to her and she didn't know what to do with that.
"I…It's not that bad," Adaline said, a bit out of breath. She didn't know why she was making excuses. She should just keep her mouth shut and accept it.
"Don't be so humble. You're doing very well," Iona said gently patting Adaline's head. Adaline closed her eyes and focused on the touch. It held her attention so much that she was not ready for the next strike and was not anticipating to have risen to the next level.
At this level she tried to get away. She didn't mean to but this time when she was shocked she unconsciously but noticeably arched away from Iona. Iona's hand was on her stomach now pushing her back into the pain that she was trying to escape. There was a taste of blood in Adaline's mouth and she realized her teeth had come down on her tongue. She'd managed to not scream but at a cost. Not that she thought that would last for long. She realized with embarrassment that she was going to scream. If the pain got any worse she wouldn't be able to help herself from crying out. She hadn't considered that ahead of time. She wasn't really sure why it was she thought she would be so strong not to do it. Now that she knew she wouldn't be able to escape it she was embarrassed for what was to come.
It was a strange sort of experience. On the one hand Iona was causing her real physical pain. In a way she should hate her, shouldn't she? But she'd volunteered for this so she couldn't be angry at Iona for giving her what she'd asked for. And it was hard to be angry with someone who, while they were hurting you, was also holding you with such care. Iona kept her other hand on Adaline the entire time holding her with care and keeping her steady. Whether it was on her shoulder, hip, or stomach she always kept a kind hand on her even while she hurt her.
Iona's kind words and occasional physical comfort helped Adaline cope with the increasing pain. The pain didn't seem so bad and she found herself willing to put up with it if she were only to receive the praise after it. But just as Adaline felt she had arrived at a place where she had adapted to the current level of pain, it would increase. She had to give Iona credit; she knew what she was doing. Somehow, she could read the situation enough to know just when Adaline had come to tolerate the current level of pain and she could increase it.
Just as Adaline had predicted when the shock got worse she did scream. She didn't know when it was coming and she had almost thought it wasn't coming. She had thought Iona might not push her to the next level because it nearly felt unbearable. Again she tried to get away, her hands jerking against her constraints. Iona wrapped her arm around Adaline this time, pulling her into the pain yet comforting as she held on to her. "Well done. Good job," Iona praised close to ear when the pain ceased and Adaline sagged a little against Iona.
The pain was a constant state of being now. The shocks were so strong and they came so frequently that they did not dissipate completely before the next one was upon her. Her wrists were easily bruised from all of the moving and from resting more and more of her weight upon them. Sweat clung to her whole body, her hair now damp with it was falling from the neat rolls and bun she'd had it in, and it ran in beads down her face. She could only imagine what a sight she must be and she was actually glad Iona was behind her not to see it.
Her feet ached, still in the heels she'd not taken off, and barely seemed to support her any longer. Her back, though exposed to the air did not benefit from it. It burned with fire and her muscles inside protested loudly. She found herself breathing heavily, gasping for breath to deal with it all, in a very embarrassing and unladylike way. She was pretty sure she wouldn't be able to go to the next level. If Iona tried she was sure she would have to beg her stop.
But there was something else. There was something else pressing up from inside. She felt it in those all too short pauses between the shocks. During the shocks she could feel nothing beyond the physical pain. But during the pause, in the silence she could feel a pain from inside of her, coming to inflict her. She felt a dark feeling of doom when she realized it was there. It was pain, her own emotional pain, long neglected and not taken care of, coming up to the surface.
Whatever it was she had buried it for a reason. It felt like more pain than she could bear. She didn't want to fall into pieces which she felt was a very real possibility at this moment. This was what Iona had spoken of and shouldn't be a surprise. But though she logically knew that this outcome was what they were working towards she didn't want it. Whatever was going to come up was something she'd gotten rid of for a reason. Whatever it was had been buried for a reason and had intentionally not been dealt with.
"I can't...I can't," she said finally struggling, not against the physical pain but against the emotional.
She felt Iona take a step closer and reach a hand to her forehead and pulled her head back to rest on Iona's shoulder. "Yes, you can," she whispered in her ear.
Adaline tilted her head slightly leaning her face to touch Iona's neck. "No," she said pitifully shaking her head. "It's too much." She felt she couldn't go on. She wanted Iona to be gentle on her. She wanted Iona to tell her it was alright and make it stop. She'd only started to feel the pain and she wanted it to go away. The physical pain could go on; she didn't care about that. She could easily find a way to deal with that even on its increasing levels. But a little emotional pain and she was a lightweight. Just a touch of that and she was ready to quit.
Iona had made her a lot of promises. She had promised that the physical pain would stop whenever she asked for it. She had also promised that Adaline would not have to speak about the problems she had. But she had not made that same such promise when it came to the emotional pain. She'd not told Adaline that she could escape that.
Iona's voice wasn't mean when it replied but it was firm. "You can, and you will," she said making it clear there was no further argument to be had. She stroked the side of Adaline's face once before gently pushing her back where she had been standing and pulled away from her again.
Adaline allowed herself to let out a small discontented cry. She felt a little more alone and she didn't want to face the pain inside. She now wished for the physical pain as a distraction. And it helped a little but not as well as it had and not as well as she hoped it would. Iona's softly spoken reassurances didn't help either. Iona's encouragement that she could do it, that she could was doing good and she could face it were impossible to ignore, especially when she was already feeling compromised.
She wanted to ask Iona to make it worse. She didn't want to beg her to stop any longer. Iona had been right; she now wanted to ask her not to stop. She wanted her to make it worse. If she broke her physically maybe she wouldn't break emotionally. She even found herself doing things to make it worse on herself. As tears threatened to fall from her eyes she dug her nails into the palms of her hands until they stung and bit the inside of her cheek. It wasn't much but it was all she could manage to do at this moment to inflict pain on herself. Anything to try and distract her from what was going on inside of her.
Adaline would have never said she didn't have a lot of pain. She'd lived for over a century. No one would escape it after such time had pasted. It wasn't that she hadn't expected to feel that pain in this. She knew that she would. That was the point of this. But the pain she felt was not the pain she expected.
There were so many things that she'd had and lost over the years. But it wasn't the pain of the things she'd loved most and lost that she felt. It wasn't the pain of the husband or parents or countless friends and acquaintances that she'd buried over the years that troubled her now. It wasn't even the fear of the future loss of her precious daughter, a loss she still wasn't sure she could endure, that bothered her now. Those were not the things that pushed their way up from inside of her now. Maybe it was because she was so familiar with that pain. She knew she felt those things; she was well aware of them and never denied them.
What she felt herself aching from right now was a little more of a grey area. She felt herself mourning inside from those things and relationships that her condition had stolen from her over the years. It was the distance she had to keep from others, it was the watching life from the outside rather than really participating in it herself, that hurt her the most. It was that marriage she was never able to have that she'd had to walk away from before it had even started that hurt worse than the one she'd had stolen from her. The heaviest burden was all of those relationships not formed and all of those memories never made.
She hadn't realized that she hurt so much from this but now that she did she was nearly blind with the pain of it. It had seemed strange to mourn the loss of things never had; she felt like she wasn't allowed it for some reason. But to have been given all of the years she'd had, she could have done so much. As it was though she hadn't been given anything; only been stolen so much. Her life could have been so full but it was sadly very empty.
She let her head fall forward and pressed her eyes lids together as she felt hot tears burning to get out. She was lonely and her life void of the best things. It hurt and she couldn't be strong. She hurt physically and though she had wanted the pain to distract her it also made her feel vulnerable. The pain hadn't bothered her all that much in itself but this inability to cope emotionally was a major side effect. The darkest of her pain was rearing its ugly head and she had no way of coping with it. She now felt the pain she had been hiding from but there was nothing she could do about it. She felt utterly hopeless.
She felt Iona's steadiness behind her left as Iona pulled away from her. Adaline was so tired, in every way and she couldn't help from leaning back, seeking Iona and the strength in her touch out. Adaline moaned a little in regret when she didn't find her. She closed her eyes and let her head roll to the side in exhaustion. She felt she was completely spent and at her limit. She was so tired and she didn't know how to go on.
She heard Iona moving and come to stand in front of her. Adaline opened her eyes and found Iona standing close to her. Accepting comfort was no longer a problem for Adaline and she was the one to reach out this time. She needed it and she wanted to reach out to hold on to Iona but she was still bound. All she could do was lean forward towards Iona but even that wasn't enough to touch her. Adaline closed her eyes in frustration her hands pulling at the cuffs.
She was relieved when Iona stepped forward, close enough for Adaline to rest her face against Iona's shoulder. When she did she felt Iona's arms wrap around her and one hand go up to her hair and gently brush it. Adaline sighed in relief and let herself shamelessly rest upon Iona. Adaline had forgotten she was supposed to tell Iona when it all became too much for her to bear but Iona knew it anyway. Adaline knew that they were done with the pain part of this session and though she wanted to object she knew she done.
"You're very kind," she found herself breathing out. Iona's comforting touch felt so good. Adaline was surprised how much it was as she took it all in.
"You're not used to that, are you?" Iona asked with slight concern in her voice as her hand played in the hair at the back of Adaline's head.
"No," Adaline admitted. "But it's my fault," she said her voice cracking on the last word.
"Is it? It sounds like you don't want it that way."
"I don't. Of course I don't."
"Then why do you say it's your fault?"
"Because I make it that way."
"Why is that?"
Adaline couldn't say more. She couldn't tell Iona that she had to keep people at a distance because she didn't age. She didn't say that she didn't get to know people because if she did they would soon find out that her life didn't make any sense. She didn't say that she could never be honest with anyone no matter how much she desired to. She didn't say that even if she made relationships that she could only keep them for a decade at most before she had to leave her life and those in it behind forever. Once again, Adaline was kept from saying any of that. Even if she wanted to tell Iona all of that she couldn't.
"That's alright," Iona reassured her, when she realized that Adaline wasn't going to elaborate. "You don't have to tell me. But be honest, completely honest with yourself about it. Admit it."
Adaline was preparing to do just that when Iona let go of her for a moment and Adaline looked at her confused. She was about to come undone and she was startled that Iona was pulling away. But Iona was only pulling away to reach up and undo the cuffs around her wrists. Adaline let her arms fall around Iona when they were free, her muscles burning from the exertion of being held up for so long. They were so weak but she clung to Iona with what little strength she had left.
When Iona had her free of the cuffs she reached around to her back and zipped her dress up, almost embracing Adaline in the process She only closed it up far enough to keep it from falling off Adaline, but careful to leave as much of her burnt back exposed as she could. Her arm was firm around Adaline's waist as she led her back into the other room, even keeping her steady when she nearly stumbled. Her feet felt clumsy but Iona was stable and kept her from falling.
Iona led her back to the couch and gently sat her down. She briefly left the room and returned a pitched of water in her hand. She set it on the table before joining Adaline on the couch.
Iona pulled Adaline a little, indicating she should lean against her and Adaline was glad to do it as the tears which had been brewing finally came out. Adaline let herself cry in earnest now, sobbing so hard it involved her whole body. She worried about the mess she might make on Iona's dress as she had her face laid against Iona's shoulder. She'd already been sweaty, her make-up running and now tears were streaming down her face. But Iona didn't seem concerned about that at all. In fact, she held Adaline's head against her and whispered to her. "Good. Get all of that pain out."
Adaline did not need any more encouragement to do that. It had been a long time since she'd had a proper cry like this. She hadn't realized just how long it had been until this moment when she started and was unable to stop. Her body shook with cries and she was embarrassed by the sounds that came out of her mouth but she couldn't stop herself. Now that she had started she knew she would not be able to stop until had cried herself all out.
She couldn't even remember how long it had been since she'd had someone to comfort her like Iona was right now. She didn't give into these tears very often. It was just too hard most of the time. She knew that if she gave into them and fell to pieces then she would have to be the one to put herself back together. And if there was anything worse than sobbing from the pain of your problems, it was having no one but yourself to console you afterwards. But that was not the case this time. She was not alone and with the strength of another's arms around her it didn't feel so bad. She felt like she had the strength to bear it. For a while Iona simply held her while the worst of the sobs came. One hand held her at the back of her head, the other low on her back and she murmured occasional comforting words to Adaline.
When her cries had started to lessen in intensity she felt Iona's arms moving around her back and heard her reach into the pitcher and ring out a cloth inside it. The next moment Adaline felt a cool cloth on her back. It stung at first but it didn't take long for her to feel it drawing the heat out of her back and soothing her skin. She could tell she was going to feel the effects of this night for several days but she really didn't mind about that at the moment. With great care, Iona ran the cloth up and down her back healing the burning skin. The rhythm of the movements was comforting and calming and Adaline felt her cries slowing down as she was consoled by it.
When her back had been thoroughly taken care of she felt Iona gently zip her dress all the way up. It hurt to have the cloth tight against her skin again but it wasn't so bad not that Iona had given it some attention prior to covering her. With Adaline's head still resting against her shoulder, Iona reached to the back of Adaline's head and undid the now very messy bun. Adaline's cries had stopped by now but she still leaned heavily against Iona and tried to catch her breath, recovering from them. Iona worked her fingers through Adaline's now damp and curling hair, undoing the rolls on the sides and letting it all fall down her back. She ran her fingers through Adaline's hair brushing it out and scratching her head lightly from time to time.
Adaline felt like she shouldn't be enjoying taken care of as much as she was right now. She hadn't expected this much care following the pain but she was pleasantly surprised by it. She was more than old enough to take care of herself but she did enjoy having someone else care for her. She never got taken care like this and it was nice. Even though she was old enough to be Iona's great grandmother she still felt herself somehow taken care of by Iona as if she were the guardian, the older one, in this scenario. She had been willing to help Adaline carry this burden. She was in charge for now and Adaline let herself be looked after for the moment.
"Thank you. For all of this," Adaline said quietly. She was grateful to be resting in Iona's arms, her eyes closed and the feel of Iona's hands in her hair. It was particularly consoling in light of all the pain Adaline was feeling. The grief of a life not lived at the fullest, one deprived the some of the best things life had to offer, with the added weight of knowing you had caused it to be was exceptionally hard to bear. But right now, Iona made it a little easier to contemplate and recover from.
"You are a sensitive person," Iona said quietly, her hand still brushing Adaline's hair. "You have to let people in; you need them. If you don't you'll become hard and cruel. I'm sorry but those are your only choices."
"I never wanted it to be this way," Adaline said sadly. She felt the tears coming on again but she tried to fight them. She didn't want to cry any more.
"I know. But you don't have to be alone."
"I don't want to be alone," Adaline said sadly. But I have to she added mentally to herself. It just couldn't be as easy as Iona was saying. Not for her anyway.
"Just keep in mind that it doesn't always have to be this way."
"Doesn't it?" Adaline asked miserably.
"There are very few things in this world that are unchangeable as long as the heart desires them to be changed."
Adaline knew that her situation was unchangeable. As long as she was ageless (and it seemed she would be forever) she would have to keep people at a distance for her own safety. But Iona's words made her stop and think none the less and she felt herself feel a little hope. Could things change? Is so, how could she make them change? She still didn't know how they could change and she was still skeptical of it but the way Iona said it made Adaline believe a little bit. She wanted to hope there was a time in the future where she would not have to live as did in the present.
She had wasted so much time. Her life was hollow and empty. She was so very lonely. She wanted to be taken care of, to have someone care for her. It was hard to see things as they really were in her life but to see them this way was to will them to change. Adaline didn't know if that was possible but she knew she would have to at least consider it.
Iona gave her hug before pulling back and breaking the contact between them. For some reason, now facing Iona, Adaline felt embarrassed by it all. "Sorry, for that," she said, feeling the need for some reason to apologize for losing it so completely. She wasn't sure why because she was pretty sure that was part of this.
"You have nothing to be sorry for. You are human," Iona said, handing her a tissue. Adaline took it gratefully, drying her face.
Adaline had to admit she often didn't feel it. Her forever youthfulness seemed to strip her of that as well. It set her apart from everyone else; it made her different. It made her feel as if she were removed even from the human condition. Sometimes she didn't even know what she was anymore. But maybe there were some similarities, some aspects of humanity that she still retained but had lost sight of.
Adaline couldn't help but smile at Iona. She had many years over Iona but Iona had wisdom beyond her years. It was good to know that there was still a thing or two she could learn even after all of this time. "Thank you for this. I…didn't know I needed it," Adaline admitted.
Iona smiled warmly. "I'm glad you opened yourself up to it and glad that I could be of service."
"What do I owe you?"
"Nothing."
"But I-" Adaline started to protest.
"No. You're a guest in our city. This one's on the house. I insist."
"Well, if you insist. Probably this isn't a story I'll be able to tell when I get back home," Adaline said with a smile as she very carefully put on her coat.
Iona laughed lightly. "Probably not."
Adaline walked to the door, Iona following behind her. "If you are ever visiting again, please come and see me," Iona said as she opened the door and Adaline prepared to leave.
"I will," Adaline said with a smile and unlike so many she made promises she was sure she actually meant this one.
"It was nice to meet you Jennifer."
Adaline smiled. "The pleasure was all mine, Ms. Payne."
As Adaline slowly walked down to the curb she felt more out of sorts in some ways than she normally did. She was a mess and she hurt a lot. But in some ways she felt more put together than she had in a very very long time. She'd had a very strange evening and she smiled to herself to remember just how peculiar this all had been. But it had also been effective. Maybe life never did cease to surprise, even for a centenarian like herself. Most of the time she thought there was nothing new for her to see or experience or feel but then she would have a night like she'd had tonight and it would remind her that she hadn't seen everything yet. And it made her wonder that made she never could.
Maybe things weren't as black and white as she believed them to be. It only made sense that someone her age should be so set in her ways but Iona had taught her a great lesson tonight. Things weren't always as cut and dry as she believed them to be and she wasn't as excluded from this life as she felt. If those things were true then Iona, a complete stranger until a few hours ago, wouldn't have been able to see the pain she was in and help her through some of it. She didn't know if things in her life could really change like Iona said they might but for tonight Adaline walked with something in her heart that she hadn't felt for a while. She held onto peace.