"My name is Harleigh Mariah DeJames and I'm here for attempting suicide," she recited into the mirror for the millionth time. "I've been here for twenty four weeks, three days, and eleven hours. Today, I've finally made enough progress to go home."
She couldn't believe it. It had taken over six months to finally make enough progress for her doctors to clear her to return home. At first, she was stunned. She had expected to spend the rest of her life in the white washed room. Though Clare, Eli, Drew, even Maya on occasion would stop in to see how she was doing, to tell her that she was getting better, she didn't see it. She still woke up every night a screaming mess. She still had panic attacks. She still had episodes of anger that resulted in her going off on the people she cared about most.
But it was finally here, the day she'd been waiting for. It was April of what should have been her senior year at Degrassi. Only it wasn't, it was April of the year following her best friend, her brother's death. She had come to terms with the loss of her brother, but only thanks to the meds they had been pumping through her system. She now knew what it was like to rely heavily on medication to keep her sane.
As she packed the last of her belongings in a small duffle bag, she glanced at the clock. It was just after 11 in the morning. She was being released after the group meeting at noon. She hated group talk. It was too hard to be around people who had just as many problems as she did.
She made a mental note to stay as calm as possible. She couldn't afford to mess this up. Eli had flown in from University just to be the one to pick her up. She didn't want to admit it, but Eli had been her biggest lifeline through all of it. He had been there through every step forward and every fall back. He'd stuck by her, even when everyone else was losing hope.
"Finally getting out today, huh Leigha?" Cleo, one of Harleigh's closest friends in the hospital asked. She leaned against the door, her arms crossed in front of her, clad in the same white hospital outfit all of the patients were doomed to.
"Yeah," she nodded, flinching just slightly at the use of her petname. "Doc finally thinks I'm sane enough to enter the real world."
"What about you? Do you think you're ready?" she asked sincerely. Cleo was in for ADHD mixed with Bi-Polar disorder. Her parents had her committed after she attacked her little brother.
"I don't know," Harleigh said truthfully. "I want to say I feel up to this, but this room," she motioned to the room around her "has been my safe spot for the last six months."
"Aren't you eager to get back to school? See all your friends before graduation?" she asked.
"Of course," she nodded sadly. "But it's not going to be the same. Everyone knows why I'm here. Everyone knows about the…about…" she still couldn't admit it out loud. She couldn't admit to herself that she tried to kill herself the week following Adam's death. Her doctors tried to get her to admit it so many times, but she didn't. She admitted to being suicidal, but never once admitted to trying to off herself. She just couldn't. Not out loud.
Cleo nodded, but didn't push the topic. She knew how much it hurt Harleigh to admit she was messed up in the head. She didn't want to admit it, but she was even more screwed up than half the people at Degrassi. Cleo knew what that felt like. She'd been homeschooled after her first episode in high school. And she loved it.
"Maybe you'll come back to visit someday, as an outpatient?" Cleo said hopefully. She'd miss her friend once she was released.
"I promise," Harleigh nodded, even though she knew she never would. She would never return to the hellish hospital.
Cleo smiled and left the room in time to get a quick lunch. Harleigh normally would have followed her, but that day, all she wanted to do was recite the lines to her farewell speech. The group leader, a friendly, bubbly woman named Alana, had warned Harleigh that the doctors would be listening closely to the words that came out of her mouth during the speech. One wrong word and they would revoke her release.
"My name is Harleigh Mariah DeJames. I'm nineteen years old. I was committed the night I tried to…" she blinked back tears. No. She couldn't admit it out loud.
Out of the corner of her eye, she caught a slight movement. She blinked and turned around to face an empty room.
"Not again," she whispered, sitting on the white-sheeted bed. She stared at the wall, tears in her eyes as Adam seemed to come out of thin air. He smiled at her, his face full of life. Harleigh knew in her heart that he wasn't there, he couldn't be. Adam was dead. Adam died in August. Adam was dead. But there he was, smiling at her, his face bright and lively.
"Don't be afraid to admit it," he told her as he had so many times before. "It's okay to be a little broken."
Harleigh knew better than to respond. She took a deep breath and pressed her eyes shut, refusing to give in to the horrible hallucinations the sedatives gave her. She lay down, turning her back to the wall. All she had to do was hold it together long enough to get out. Then she could break down. She could cry until it didn't hurt anymore.
She didn't realize how much time had passed until her therapist, Dr. O'Ryan, a gentle man, entered her room.
"Harleigh, you're late for group," he said softly. She turned and faced him, forcing the tears to stop falling.
"Sorry, I fell asleep," she lied smoothly. She had picked up lying while in the hospital. It had been the only way she could get the doctors to stop fussing over her.
"We've weaned you completely off the sedatives, it's going to take a few days for the lasting effects to wear off," he nodded knowingly. "You've taken your meds, right?"
"Mhm," she nodded, pulling her long hair into a bun. "All drugged up and ready to go home," she smiled.
"That's the spirit!" he laughed. He knew she hated being on the meds. But then again, even she had admitted that they significantly made a difference.
"My name is Harleigh Mariah DeJames," she said slowly, her eyes locking with the people she had come to know in the last six months. "I was committed in August, after my brother, Adam, was killed in a car accident. In my time here, I've learned to cope with the harsh realities life has thrown my way. It's because of this program that I'm still around to tell you all this," she continued. "Today, six months after my admission, I finally get to go home."
The circle of troubled faced lit up for a moment as her friends congratulated her. Dr. O'Ryan nodded his approval and motioned that she could sit. Group seemed to pass quicker than usual that day.
By the time the session ended, it was almost one. Cleo and Harleigh rushed to Harleigh's room for one last tearful embrace before one of the orderlies came to collect her bags.
"Ready?" she asked.
"Ready," Harleigh nodded. "I'll see you around Cleo," she called over her shoulder.
"Not in here, I hope!" she laughed whole heartedly. "Be safe," she added with a knowing grin.
"Thanks, you too," Harleigh responded before turning her attention to the task at hand. Harleigh took one last look at the room that had since become her only home, before grabbing her jacket off the back of the chair and following the orderly down the hall to the family room. That was when she saw him. Her shaggy, tired looking older brother. Eli smiled at her, standing slowly to embrace her as she flew into his arms, tears streaking down her face.
"Hey," he said in the same husky tone he always seemed to have. Harleigh buried herself into his arms, finding comfort and safety in his embrace.
"Just sign here and you're free to go," the woman sitting at the table explained to Eli. Eli did as he was told before picking up Harleigh's bag.
"Ready?" he asked her, a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.
"Yes!" she said almost too eagerly. She knew she had to keep up the strong front. One wrong word, one wrong action, and she'd be back in the hospital before she had a chance to blink.
Together, the two walked down the hall, past the double locked doors, down the stairs out into the cool spring air. Harleigh wrapped her jacket around her, a smile playing on her lips as she breathed in her first breath of fresh air since being admitted. It felt like for the first time in six months, she was really alive.