Cora heard Robert approached her door, heard it slowly open, but could not look up to see Robert. It just hurt too much; it had been three months since Sybil's death. She just wasn't ready to let him, or anybody in. Half the time, she walked around like a zombie—not really living life. The days seemed to pass slowly and painfully. "I thought I might move back here tonight," Robert said. He had said this it seemed a million times after Sybil's death. Cora looked into the book that sat in her lap, determined to ignore him as she had successfully done for months.
"I'd like to sleep alone for awhile more," Cora said firmly. She could see out of the corner of her eye, Robert looking at her. "Cora, I wish you would look at me."
She turned quickly, "What would that solve? Sybil would still be dead and it would still be partly your fault."
"I can't change that, nobody can. Mama is worried about you and so am I."
She turned away from him and breathed heavily, pretending to be tired. "I won't come down for dinner, tell O'Brien she can bring me something up in an hour or so."
Robert nodded and left the room. Before dinner, he went down to the servant's hall to find O'Brien. He cornered her by the stairs, so as not to be disturbed. "Her ladyship would like to eat dinner in bed again. Will you bring it up to her?"
"Of course, is she quite alright? It's been months now."
Robert sighed, "Well I wonder if you could maybe talk to her, she won't say a word to me about what she is feeling. I'm truly worried about her."
"I will do my best, m'lord."
"Thank you, O'Brien. I know we haven't been the best of friends, but I truly appreciate it."
"Come in," Cora said as O'Brien walked in. O'Brien set the tray over Cora and paused for a minute after Cora told her thank you. "M'lady, I was wondering, are you quite alright?"
Cora looked at her, "I've lost my youngest daughter and my husband didn't stop it. Of course I'm not alright. Oh O'Brien, it's awful."
"I lost my brother, my favorite. I know how you feel, but his lordship didn't purposefully go against you. He thought he was doing the best for his daughter."
"I know," Cora said slowly, "I just need someone to blame other than myself. That will be all, O'Brien."
"Robert, has Cora talked to you yet?" Robert had traveled down to his mother's house after dinner. He very rarely did this, so his mother knew it was serious.
"I've tried, Mama. God knows, I have. I just can't seem to get through to her. I'm worried about losing her. She barely leaves her room, she barely talks to her other daughters, and she won't even look at me half the time."
"She's in a depression, dear. Think how you would feel her, if you were her. She believed if you had listened to Dr. Clarkson, Sybil would still be here—and so she might be."
"I know all this, I do feel guilty too. I wake up and I'm guilty, I go to sleep and I wish I could change that night, but I can't. I really need her."
"She needs someone to, Robert. And I know Cora, she is a loving wife. I know, I know I didn't like her when you first married her, but I don't think you could find a better wife. She has supported you in everything you did, even when it wasn't right. When you lost her fortune, she stayed by your side and tried to make the best of it in moving into a smaller house before Matthew saved it. Not to be coarse, dear, but you've pushed her away because of the pain you've felt for this reason or that reason. She is merely doing the same thing, although she may have a more justifiable reason."
"What do I do, mama?" Robert asked. "I've tried going to her, I want to be gentle and not push her, but I want my wife back."
Violet scoffed, "Don't expect you are going to get the same wife back, you're going to have to change how you treat her if you want to work. She expects more from you."
"I'll do anything," Robert said.
"Tell her to come down to luncheon, I'll see if I can speak to her, woman to woman."
"Cora," Robert knocked on her door gently. She answered that he could come in.
"I told you, Robert. Sleep in your dressing room."
"I know. Mama has invited you for luncheon tomorrow; it's just that she hasn't seen you in so long."
"Oh." Cora said and paused, "Of course, I'll go, thank you."
Robert turned to leave the room. His dressing room was dark and seemed to have a draft that always made the room seem cold. Perhaps he was overreacting, any night without Cora seemed cold anymore. He sat down and rang for Thomas to undress him. "Are you alright, sir?" Thomas said as he finished.
"Yes, could you send up O'Brien, Thomas?"
"Of course."
Moments later, she came up. O'Brien told him about what she had said. It was nothing new that he hadn't heard or guessed at from what she was feeling. "Thank you, O'Brien," he said halfheartedly.
"Don't worry, your lordship. If there is one thing, her ladyship is-she's resilient. She will be back to her old self soon."
"I hope so," Robert said and dismissed O'Brien. He laid down in bed, ever since he had left Cora's company in their shared bed, he did not sleep as well. Most nights he spent silently crying, as silent as he could be anyway; or he fell into a deep depression. Thinking about Sybil or Cora, he felt like he had failed them. His mama had been right, Cora had supported him through everything. She didn't like Bates when he first came here, but during the trial, was so sensitive to the whole thing because he cared. Shortly after the war, he didn't support Cora as she got involved with one of Isobel's causes, he was terribly unsupportive. On the night of Sybil's death, she wanted him to support her as she had always supported him, but he didn't. And this time, it wasn't just her pride that got hurt but her soul. Losing her daughter was like taking a piece of her, and destroying it. He knew that piece would never come back. He wanted to help her through it as he had also lost a piece of himself the night Sybil died. He heard muffled cries in Cora's room. He wanted to go over there and comfort her oh so badly-to tell her she could cry into him and they would find strength in each other, but he was afraid and left her alone, turning out the light and going to sleep. On the other side of the wall, Cora cried not caring if Robert heard her or not. Partly she was crying over Sybil, but also the absence of Robert in her bed and in her life, it was staring to get to her. She felt more alone than she had in the lost year in which Robert didn't love her. At least in those days, she was able to have hope that Robert would love her one day; now she feared that she could never love him as she once did.
"Cora, dear, Robert is worried about you and frankly so am I," Violet said.
"I'm fine, mama. I've just not felt up to going back to normal after Sybil..."
"I understand, I cannot imagine what that is like. The problem is that Robert seems to be rather shaken and you are not speaking to him, I hear?"
"Why do you care?" Cora snapped, not caring that she was being more rude that English decorum allowed. "I have no fortune now, I have no worth to you now."
"You have great worth to all of us, especially to Robert. I don't know a woman that would have been better for him through it all."
"Thank you, mama," she said visibly touched by her words.
"Now don't snap at me, but blaming Robert for Sybil's death, doesn't help anything. Maybe there is some truth in it, maybe you blame yourself, or Sir Phillip, or God. I don't know, but dear, you can't be happy as you are. Spending weeks and months in bed, with no one to confide in. You are only hurting yourself."
"I know," Cora said and shifted awkwardly. "I miss Robert, I really do. I just don't know, if I can ever love him again."
"There is only one way to find out. Something like this may deter a weaker couple, but not you and Robert."
Cora came home and walked into the library. She had not actively been out of bed, unless they were entertaining for many weeks. She found Matthew and Robert, each working at separate desks. Robert and Matthew looked up sensing movement. "Cora," Robert said and walked towards her, absolutely delighted to see her.
"Is everything alright?" Robert asked.
"Oh yes, everything is...fine. I just wanted to let you know, I'll be coming down to dinner."
"Oh what a treat," Matthew said and smiled, looking at Robert who looked so happy he could burst.
Dinner passed on, avoiding serious conversation as most English conversations did. She felt better than she had the past few weeks, being around her other daughters and feeling their sympathy made it easier. As well as playing cards, which helped her take her mind off things and have a little fun. Matthew and Robert came through, after smoking cigars. Mary was cornered off with Matthew and Robert came and stood next to Cora.
"Darling, you look absolutely ravishing tonight."
"Thank you," she said and a small blush came to color her cheeks. Robert was pleased that she had accepted his compliment. In the past few months, she had told him never to flirt with her again or just ignored him.
"Listen, I-" Cora said.
"Don't say anything, I don't want you to apologize. I want us to work through this together."
She smiled sadly, "Why can't we talk about it now?"
"Because everyone is watching us, darling. And it's not about them, it's about us."
"They did lose Sybil too, Robert."
"I know that, but they don't blame themselves for it. They have rejoined their lives, sure it will never leave them, but they don't walk through reality like it's a nightmare, we do. Mary has Matthew, the downstairs staff have each other, and Edith has Mama. We have no one, Cora."
"Robert, you know I..."
He put a finger to her lips and she gasped, "We're going to away together...to Downton Place for a week. I have it all set up O'Brien and Thomas will join us. I've hired a temporary cook and some servants. Will you come?"
Cora thought silently for a moment. She certainly hadn't been happy for the past three months, but she didn't have much hope for the future either. She let the words of Violet echo through her head, she felt like she had no strength left at all. Her and Robert had triumphed over so much. Could they do it again? She was less than sure, but she was practical and knew nothing could change if she wasn't willing to try. "I will." Robert took his hand in hers and held it tightly, placing kisses on it.
Cora was walking through the grounds alone. It was mid-afternoon and Robert was making sure everything was just as he ordered it. She felt weird to be alone with him; she couldn't remember the last time they took a holiday together-it was definitely before they had their daughters. So many things over the past few years had been going on that they forgot about themselves and their relationship. Miscarriage, wars, the threat of ruin to Downton, they had been through it all and then some. Except for one thing, the death of Sybil. She shut him out. "Cora?" he asked, coming up behind her.
"Oh, yes," she said startled out of her thoughts.
"Do you mind if I join you? It's such a lovely day."
"Of course not," Cora looked over at the ground and saw the servants setting something up. "Are we to have a picnic?"
"Yes, a late lunch, I thought, if it pleases you."
Cora looked over at Robert, "Of course it does."
Robert walked with his hand behind his back, a safe distance away from Cora. He did not want to scare her away by attempting too much closeness. He might lose it all then, "I thought we might ride down to the cemetery tomorrow-to see Sybil."
"That would be nice, " Cora said gently, "I'll bring her, her favorite flowers."
Robert smiled and the estranged couple walked on together, each afraid to make a move to anything approaching closeness, even though that's what they truly desired.
Robert sat next to Cora in the car ride to the cemetery. The flowers that Cora had hand-picked on their walk yesterday was between them. The car stopped and Cora breathed aloud. Their driver stopped the car and sat still. "Are you ready, darling?" Robert asked.
"I suppose so," she said. "I still can't believe she's gone. I-" Cora looked up at Robert, and Robert could sense that she was taken back to the night of Sybil's death.
"Take my hand," he said and offered it to her. "We don't have to go through this alone." She let her finger tips touch his, then squeezed his hand tightly. They exited the car and walked slowly through the cemetery-until they came upon Sybil's gravestone.
Robert started to speak, "Sybil, my darling daughter. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss you, or blame myself in a way. It's such a shock that I will never recover from. I love you so much," Robert cried outwardly. Cora squeezed his hand tighter and started to speak, "My baby...oh Robert I can't do this, I'm not ready-I'm sorry," she said and gently set the flowers down and walked back to the car, choking back tears until the car drove away. Robert was left alone, but the walk wasn't too far-so he walked back. He whispered before he went, "don't worry dearest Sybil, I will take care of your mother as she has always taken care of you. I will fight for her corner and the right to hold her hand once again."
A little while later, he entered the house. He saw Cora in the sitting room, still crying into a handkerchief. "Cora?" he asked and touched her shoulder. She gave him a little slap with the back of her hand. "How can you just say goodbye to your daughter like that?"
"Cora, it's not easy, but we have to get back to reality."
"Reality is horrible," Cora said.
"I know, darling. I know but it doesn't have to be as horrible as you're making it. Shutting yourself out from, your daughters, your mama, me."
"Don't I have the right?"
"Cora, you're being irrational. It's been almost four months, no you can't forget it, but you have to move on past the night she died. You know, Sybil wouldn't want you to be like this. She was the kindest spirit; she would want you to remember fondly, not use her to push me away from you."
"Gosh, Robert, it's not all about you," she said getting up quickly and walking away from him, her heels clicking as she went. He came up behind her, grabbing her arm and turning her body towards him. "It's all about me, you blame me. I hired Sir Phillip because he was the best and I wanted the best for my daughter. Yes, I wish I would have listened to you that night. Do you know how many nights I have spent alone in the dressing room wishing I had? But I honestly did not believe I was wrong that night. Believe me, Cora."
"No, no" she said softly as he held her arms tightly.
"You know it's the truth, I know you."
"You don't know me, Robert, not anymore."
Robert pulled away from her and walked away, choking back tears so he wouldn't see her. Cora knew what to say to hit him at the right moment. He went to his dressing room, not sure what to do at this point. He thought this could be easy, to make everything okay with Cora again-but it wasn't at all. She was afraid, she was still hurting. Everything that once seemed so easy to fix-was clouded.
A few hours, Robert woke out of bed-hearing a knock at the door. "Robert, it's me," he heard Cora's familiar voice. He rubbed his eyes and opened the door, she came in. "Did I wake you?" she asked sitting on the edge of his bed.
"Yes, but it's okay," he said.
"I just came to say, what you said was true. I know that you didn't mean to harm Sybil, that you were doing the best for her and that I've blamed you and denied myself to you because it was my own punishment for not being a good mother."
"Cora, what could you mean?" Robert said and sat close to her. "You are a great mother."
"If I'm so great, why did I let my daughter die?" Cora said sharply and looked up at him.
"My darling, you didn't. It was out of your hands. Don't blame yourself."
"I can't help it," she said crying hardly and freely. Robert hated seeing her like this. He used his hand to rub her back and hopefully ease her suffering, "Shhh darling, I'm here. Listen to me, you are a great mother and Sybil couldn't have had a greater one. None of this is your fault, none of it." She collapsed into him and tears started to fall from his eyes as well.
"None of it is yours, either," Cora said wrapping her hand around his upper arm.
"Oh Cora, how happy that makes me."
"I'm sorry that I blamed you for so long."
"Don't apologize, I'm sorry that I didn't listen to you and that I let you go through this alone."
"That's not your fault, I shut you out."
Silence pervaded the room, as Robert continued to rub her back. "I needed you, I need you."
"Oh god, Cora, how I wanted you to come to me-to help you through all of this. I know I can get through anything, if you're with me."
She placed a kiss on his lips, gently at first and she pulled away quickly-not sure how he would receive it. He closed his eyes, wondering if it was a dream, the dream that always pervaded him while he stayed up sleepless nights in his dressing room, that his wife would come for him in need of his comfort-that they would comfort each other. He opened his eyes, looking into those blue eyes, wet from tears. He wiped them away and kissed her again, this time with heat behind it; he cupped her face in her hands. "Robert," she said gently as she leaned back on the bed, with him over top of her.
"Yes?" he asked.
"I've missed you," Cora said softly before she resumed kissing his lips and grazing her hands over her body. They had talked, they had fought, and now they had came together.
Days passed in their own secret paradise, but it was time to go back to Downton. They had visited Sybil several times, spent their time talking about her as they walked the grounds. It made it easier, their marriage was no near fixed but their lines of communication and love were open once more. "One more walk before we go home?" Robert asked her as he caught her sitting on the bench.
"Why not?" she said. They walked a bit apart, Robert knew he had interrupted her in deep thought.
"So I guess, mama was right this time-that we were strong enough to come back together," Cora said and linked her arm tightly around his.
"This time I'm glad that mama is right," Robert said, smiling.
"I am too," she said. "You know I've been thinking about Sybil, a lot. But I've been thinking about you, if you were to die. I don't know how I would go on- and to think I wasted all this time. I think about Sybil and how she never wasted her time, she went for what she wanted and she got it."
"And you want to be close to me again?" Robert asked in jest.
"Oh don't get too conceited," she said smiling, "I might take it back."
He chuckled, "There is one thing you don't have to worry about me leaving you, darling."
"Why not?" she said.
"Soulmates never die," he said.
"That's beautiful," she said quietly and kissed him on the cheek.
Cora thought what had transpired over the past few months between them. For most of it, there was nothing but silence and repressed anger. Cora felt as lonely as she had at the beginning of their marriage. Even in the past week, they spent half the time yelling at each other or crying privately. What kept her hanging on? It was what Robert said, she knew that their love could never die, though she doubted over the past few months, she always knew. It had rotted, but it was ready to be cultivated again and it would grow stronger.
"Goodnight, my darling," Robert said as he settled into the bed that he had been shut out for so long. He felt that he was finally at peace and at home.
"Welcome back," Cora said smiling and cuddled next to him. He knew he had to treasure her and be there for her more than ever. He moved his fingers up and down her arms, watching her as she fell asleep. See Sybil, I told you I would take care of her for you; and I will forever.