The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any GI Joe characters has gone off to fetch a stick. Not even the idea for this insane fic is completely mine. Invader Johnny gave it to me. I just decided to run with it and make it the…
Best Cobra Staff Meeting Ever
"Let me get this straight," Zartan held up his hand. "You decided to let Dr. Venom hypnotize your girlfriend, the Baroness. And now she thinks she's a dog. And this was a good idea why?"
"I have no idea…" Destro moaned. His left hand was bandaged and he looked banged up. "I think I've been hanging around the Dreadnoks too much. I'm losing brain cells as well as some blood cells. Ow…"
"Okay we are all thinking the same thing. So everybody say it! And a one, and a two…" Cobra Commander waved his arms like a conductor to his remaining command staff in the meeting room.
"I always knew the Baroness was a bitch," Dr. Mindbender, Zartan, Zarana, Zandar, Tomax, Xamot and the Dreadnoks said as one.
"A big ol' female dog if there ever was one," Monkeywrench snorted. "A dog whose bite is worse than her bark."
"As Destro can attest to that," Zartan snorted.
"She'd better be housebroken," Zarana chuckled. "Cause I ain't cleaning up after her."
"Well it's Destro that has to take her for walkies," Torch laughed. "Oh wait. She already used him as a chewing toy!"
"At least we know what breed she is," Mindbender said cheerfully. "A cross breed. Because she's always cross!"
"Really? I would have guessed a boxer based on those great right hooks she always gives Destro," Buzzer remarked.
"Nah, she's a Bearded Collie," Ripper snorted. "Based on all the facial hair she has."
"I suspect that she is an Affenpinscher," Donald spoke. Then he switched to Road Pig. "Be-because she affen-pinches Destro's money f-from his wallet! HA! G-get it? I said affen instead of often! Cause it's a play on words. And-And affen s-sounds like often."
"I believe that she is the breed of dog known as the Douge De Bordeaux," Zandar spoke up. "Named of course for all the wine she drinks from that region. And many other regions for that matter."
"I always said she was some kind of booze hound," Torch snorted. "You know for all the booze she drinks!"
"That's the same joke as Zandar's, Torch. Only dumbed down," Zarana remarked. "Emphasis on the dumb."
"Technically you could make that same argument for a Scotch Collie," Mindbender thought aloud.
"How about a Rotten Whyler because she's rotten to the core?" Monkeywrench called out.
"It's called a Rottweiler, Monkeywrench," Mindbender corrected. "Although I must admit they both share a similar disposition. Of course the Rottweiler is gentler and more even tempered than the Baroness."
"We have it," Xamot said. "She's a Pointer."
"Because she points out everyone's flaws and problems and ignores her own," Tomax finished.
"You are all wrong," Zartan said. "She's a pit bull. For so many reasons. I mean do I really have to list them?"
"I dunno," Monkeywrench said. "Calling the Baroness a pit bull is really insulting to pit bulls."
"If you think about except for the fact that she's running around on all fours, not that much has changed," Zandar pointed out. "She's got a foul temper. Makes a mess of things. Barks irrationally at all hours…"
"Eats garbage and spends her night howling at the moon," Zarana snickered. "On the plus side I guess she doesn't have to shave her legs as much anymore."
"And if she ever gets in our way all we have to do…" Tomax began.
"Is throw a ball and let her play fetch," Xamot added cheerfully.
"And we know what to get her for her birthday next month," Tomax went on. "A nice new leash."
"It'll match the one she's had on Destro for all these years," Xamot smiled.
"I seem to recall a few years ago on this little cartoon show I believe it was called North Gardens there was this charming little ditty the lead characters sang," Road Pig spoke in his Donald voice.
"Oh yeah…" Road Pig then spoke. "She's a…"
"NO!" Cobra Commander snapped. "We can't afford the royalties."
"Spoilsport," Donald sniffed.
"S-Some p-people can't appreciate the cl-classics," Road Pig added.
"Yes, yes very funny…" Destro glared at everyone.
"It is," Zartan laughed. "It really is."
"Especially when for once we're not the ones who screwed things up around here," Torch snickered.
"Talk about screwing the pooch…" Buzzer snorted. "Which Destro can now literally do."
"Have you all finished? Are the jokes all out of your system now?" Destro snapped.
"Not quite yet," Zartan held up his hand. "The other day she said she wanted some papers from me. Now I know why. She needs them so she doesn't mess up the carpet."
"She always did have an interest in sniffing strange men's butts," Zarana smirked.
"Well they don't get any stranger than Destro's!" Zandar whooped.
"Yeah!" Zarana and Zandar high fived each other.
"Ooh! I have one!" Mindbender spoke up. "Destro at least now you can have the Baroness help you make money. Money for dog shows, dog fights, dog races…"
"The only dog show the Baroness will ever win is for World's Ugliest," Zarana snorted.
"Dog fight she's got more than a shot," Ripper spoke up.
"All the other dogs would be scared stiff of her," Monkeywrench added.
"And if you've ever seen the Baroness run after a shoe sale you know…" Zartan added.
"All right! That's enough!" Destro snapped. "These comments are very disrespectful towards women!"
"We're not talking about women in general. Just the Baroness," Zarana snorted. "And speaking on behalf of all women-kind, if anyone deserved the title of bitch, it's her."
"She does have a title. Best in Show!" Torch whooped. Almost everyone laughed at that.
"Hold on now," Cobra Commander said. "Destro has a point. We have all had our little fun. We must remember that the Baroness is our respected colleague."
"Thank you Commander," Destro sighed.
"Especially now," Cobra Commander said. "Since I only have to pay her in dog biscuits I might be able to make the budget this week!"
"Et tu Commander?" Destro glared at him as everyone else snickered.
"It was a big fat one," Cobra Commander waved. "Come on Destro. The Baroness thinks she's a dog. You can't expect us to not say anything! Most of these jokes write themselves."
"Yeah and we got at least a hundred more to go through," Monkeywrench nodded.
"I don't want to hear any more!" Destro snapped.
"Well then leave the room," Zartan remarked. "Seriously, you're the one who put her in this situation in the first place."
"It wasn't me! It was that quack Dr. Venom!" Destro snapped.
"Well then let him snap her out of it," Zartan said.
"He can't," Mindbender snorted. "He's in the Intensive Care ward. Victim of mauling and some serious bites."
"Well it's not the first time the Baroness has mauled and bitten someone," Zartan quipped. "Usually though it's Destro in the bedroom."
"Oh yeah, she won't be able to sleep in your bed anymore," Xamot thought of something.
"Unless you want to get fleas," Tomax added.
"A flea collar would be an improvement to the Baroness' wardrobe," Zartan snorted.
"Maybe you should put some on your Dreadnoks?" Destro snapped. "God knows what kind of vermin they have crowing on their bodies!"
"Oooh, somebody's a bit grumpy today," Zartan smirked. "You're so stressed Destro. Why don't you do something to calm down? Take up yoga perhaps? I know a perfect position for you. Downward facing dog."
"How about my good hand takes a position of caving in that skull of yours?" Destro snapped.
"Sound like someone missed his distemper shots," Monkeywrench snorted.
"See if even the Dreadnoks can come up with good one-liners, you know it's funny!" Cobra Commander pointed out. "And this is really funny."
"Yes…I realize that the Baroness' situation is not only a source of amusement but an inconvenience…" Destro began.
"Inconvenience? Are you kidding? Thanks to this our staff morale is higher than it has been in years!" Cobra Commander chuckled. "I don't think I've had this much fun since the day we sent those mutant cyborg beavers to attack the Pit!"
"I thought we sent mutant cyborg cats to attack the Pit?" Torch realized.
"We did. After the beavers," Zartan said.
"No, no…The beavers came after the cats. I remember because they chewed through my desk," Cobra Commander corrected. "You're thinking of the zombie gophers."
"When did we use zombie gophers?" Destro asked.
"It was that weekend you and the Baroness went off on vacation," Mindbender reminded him.
"You know? The one where she caught you with the hotel maid," Zartan smirked.
"For the last time, I was taking a shower and she walked in on me!" Destro snapped. "It was an innocent mistake."
"Riiigght," Zarana folded her arms. "And she was cleaning up in the nude so her uniform wouldn't get dirty."
"You were knocked out cold for three days straight," Mindbender chuckled. "Another fun weekend if I recall."
"That's when we sent the zombie gophers," Cobra Commander. "So it goes zombie gophers, the cross bred goldfish piranhas, then the cats, and after that the beavers!"
"Oh right. Whatever happened to those goldfish piranhas anyway?" Torch asked.
"They ate each other," Mindbender sighed. "It was my fault for leaving them in that little tank to begin with."
"At least it wasn't much of a mess to clean up after," Ripper shrugged.
"Not as much mess the Baroness makes when you take her out for walkies," Torch chuckled. "Oh Destro, mate. You might want to bring a plastic bag and a pooper scooper. A real big pooper scooper!"
"See what I mean? There's no end to the material we've got here," Cobra Commander laughed.
"Yes well I'd like to end this as soon as possible," Destro snapped. "Laugh while you can because we all know that when the Baroness regains her senses no one will be laughing!"
"Especially you," Monkeywrench said. "Because you know…? You are the guy who always gets hounded in the relationship."
"That is a good one Monkeywrench," Cobra Commander laughed. "Oh this is fun."
"It won't be when she returns to normal!" Destro snapped.
"Like she was ever normal in the first place?" Torch shrugged.
"Shut up Torch!" Destro snapped as everyone else chuckled. "Has anyone even tried to reverse the process using Dr. Venom's hypnotic ray?"
"Funny you should ask that," Cobra Commander pushed some buttons on a nearby remote. "I had Cadet Deming to try and fix the problem. She tried using the ray with interesting results. By the way, to answer your questions in advance…Yes. I am taping this with my security cameras. And yes, there will be copies for everyone."
"Taping what?" Destro asked. "Copies of what?"
"This," Cobra Commander turned on the security feed.
"MEOWWWWWWW!" Cadet Deming was running around on all fours.
"WOOF! WOOF RARRRR!" The Baroness was right behind her on all fours as well chasing her around a room. They knocked over tables, chairs, destroying anything and everything in their path.
After exactly two seconds of stunned silence the room erupted into peals of laughter. "Okay…" Torch laughed. "This is officially one of the best Cobra staff meetings has had…ever!"
CHOMP!
"MEOWWWWWWWWWW!"
"The Baroness just bit Deming on the butt," Monkeywrench whooped.
"I stand corrected," Torch laughed. "This is the best Cobra staff meeting ever!"
"I know!" Tomax laughed. "This is…"
"The most fun we've had in years!" Xamot finished laughing wildly.
"Especially for you two since Cadet Deming dumped you," Ripper pointed out. "Boy you two used to get a lot of meow-meow before and now I know why!"
"Yeah. By the way, FYI Ripper," Zarana gave him a look. "That is offensive to women."
"What? I said meow-meow! Not…" Ripper began.
"Ripper I'm gonna stop you right there before this becomes a sexual harassment lawsuit," Zartan groaned.
"It does explain why neither of them ever got along before," Cobra Commander watched the surveillance feed. "They always did fight like cats and dogs and now we know."
"And knowing is another reason to look for a new job and some actual friends," Destro put his head on the table in shame.