Warning: THIS HAS SPOILERS FOR CHAPTER... ummm...*looks up chapters to make sure* CHAPTER 61.005 (or 62. I don't totally know what to call that chapter)
Now that that's out of the way, we can get started!
It was never hard for Dazai to tell when he was being watched, especially when the stalker was someone from the Port Mafia. Such child's play. He thought boredly, sipping his coffee. He decided to give his pursuer a hard time.
The detective spent an hour wandering around Yokohama as though he didn't have a care in the world, taking several unnecessary turns on his way. After forty five minutes, Dazai was almost impressed that his stalker had managed to keep tabs on him. Eventually, he rounded a corner and pressed himself against the wall.
A quick, nearly silent figure followed after a few minutes, and Dazai grabbed his stalker by his black coat, slamming him against the brick wall. A slight grunt of pain escaped from Dazai's follower. He stopped.
"Hi, Dazai-san," a small voice muttered, recovering from getting the breath knocked from his lungs.
"Atsushi-kun," Dazai acknowledged calmly. "We haven't seen you for awhile." He smiled. It felt so fake. He'd no right to smile at Atsushi like that. He was the reason Atsushi was in the Port Mafia now, the reason why he couldn't come back to the Armed Detective Agency.
The boy looked tired. Black circles hung under his eyes, and his voice shook when he spoke. Dazai was tempted to put a hand on Atsushi's shoulder and ask how he was doing.
Have you been eating?
When's the last time you slept?
Did they hurt you?
How many people have they forced you to kill so far?
"Is it your day off or…?"
Atsushi shook his head. "I'm supposed to be on a job, but I wanted to see someone from the agency again." He bit his lip. "It's been hard to get in contact with anyone." Atsushi's smile reminded Dazai of a flickering light bulb. It was fading, struggling, and forced. He pulled his black coat closer to his shoulders. "I really want to come home."
Dazai grabbed his shoulder, and pulled him through the alley. "You should know better than to stay in one place for too long." The boy stumbled to catch up with him. "Atsushi-kun, go back before you get caught, assuming you haven't already been found out."
"I don't want to go back, Dazai-san. Can I come home? Please." His voice cracked as he spoke. He didn't mention how he'd tried to return home a few weeks ago, and had gotten forcibly dragged back to the Port Mafia headquarters. Whatever punishment he'd received hadn't been enough to keep him in line.
"Understand that it's nothing personal," Dazai replied coldly.
"I know that, but-"
"Forget we ran into each other today. Do I make myself clear?"
"Y-yes, but-"
Dazai didn't stop moving, but he glared at Atsushi so intensely that the boy flinched. "Need I remind you about the punishments doled out by the Mafia?" He felt Atsushi shudder in his grip. "Good, you remember what they do to traitors." Dazai released Atsushi, instructing him to leave the alley at least three minutes after him. When Atsushi protested, Dazai's eyes bored into him until his voice died.
He left Atsushi with shaking hands in the alley.
That familiar sickening feeling awakened in Dazai's chest. He'd know the feeling of guilt since Oda died. It grew now, which he didn't think was possible. The guilt festered and grew inside of of him, twisting his insides into an unrecognizable mess.
Atsushi was in the Port Mafia's hands now, and he couldn't help but blame himself. If he'd just been there. If he'd only protected his colleagues, Atsushi in particular. If he'd led the agency in a different direction. If the president hadn't made that deal with the Port Mafia. If Mori hadn't chosen Atsushi to bring into the Port Mafia. There were too many "if onlys" to count. To some extent, he didn't know exactly which point to track it all back to, and he didn't want to.
Well, Dazai thought, rubbing the back of his head agitatedly. Now I just need to trust that he'll check his pockets.
"I see you got my note," Dazai said when Atsushi crawled through the basement window that night. His clothes were blending into the darkness. He still wore the black coat that Dazai had seen him in earlier, and a dark colored fedora on his head.
Atsushi didn't let Dazai say another word. The second his feet hit the ground, he barrelled into Dazai. His head hit the man's chest with a thud, arms wrapping around him tightly. Dazai blinked in surprise, but reacted before the boy could notice. He let Atsushi hold onto him for a moment before reaching to pluck the hat on his head.
"Don't tell me Chuuya's been training you," he exclaimed, waving the hat around. "I'm really hoping he hasn't gotten into your head. The last thing the world needs is another Chuuya." He tossed the hat across the room in disgust.
Atsushi rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. "The hat was just to try to hide my face." He had to smile at Dazai's retort. "Training with Chuuya-san is alright. Once you get past the yelling and anger issues, he's a relatively nice guy."
He shook off any other comments on the Mafia. For the moment, he wasn't ready to talk about it. That was alright. Dazai could be patient. He'd get answers out of his former subordinate by the time their chat was over.
"It's about back to normal, but really not back to normal," Dazai answered when Atsushi asked about the agency. "Kunikida-kun still yells. Yosano-sensei still terrorizes the injured. Kenji-kun still stares at a potted plant during office hours. The Tanizaki siblings still do things that we pretend to ignore." His face darkened after giving his lighthearted summary. "The atmosphere's depressing though. Makes me want to take a swan dive out of the window even more than usual."
"I miss everyone," Atsushi confessed. "A lot. I just want to come back..."
"Kyouka-chan misses you."
Atsushi flinched at hearing Kyouka's name. "How is she?"
He could have told him about how she had almost returned to the Mafia when he was transferred.
He could have told him that she still prepared enough food for the two of them out of habit.
He could have told him that she'd respectfully not touched his change of clothes and few belongings.
He could have told him how she'd taken to sleeping in the closet space that used to be his.
He could have told him the number of days it took for Kyouka to recover from losing him and come back to work.
However, saying any of that seemed… cruel. Why would he shove it back in Atsushi's face? None of this was his fault. The President's deal with the Boss had left them all without a choice. Dazai had left them, and let the Armed Detective Agency get to such a desperate state.
"I've been hanging out with her a bit more that I used to. It was all pretty difficult for her initially, but she's improving."
"Why didn't you bring her with?" Atsushi asked, the longing to see the girl again evident in his eyes.
A slight, slight smile formed on Dazai's lips. "She's out of town, assisting Ranpo-san on a job. Remember when you had to do that?"
Atsushi breathed a laugh that was hardly audible. "I can't easily forget… Things were so much simpler then."
They both knew what would follow the slight lull in the conversation.
"How are you doing?"
Atsushi pressed his lips together in a tight line, and took a minute to answer the question. "I feel like it could be a lot worse." He began wringing his hands, and seemed resolved not to say more. Dazai caught a glimpse of a silver ring around Atsushi's neck, consciously covered by his coat collar. He could barely make out the spikes that lined the inside of it, biting into Atsushi's flesh. Anger burned in him for a second before he forced himself to fade back into his normal calm mindset.
"Do they have you relearning how to tame the tiger?"
Atsushi winced, his hands going up to better cover the collar as though he thought Dazai hadn't already seen it. "Y-yeah… It's a lot harder now without the President's ability." He suddenly seemed more fragile than Dazai had even seen him. "They wind up restraining me during the full moon." His hands unconsciously massaged around his wrist. There weren't any scars, bruises, or welts there, but it was obvious that there had been for a brief time before the tiger healed them.
Dazai was well aware of Atsushi's abusive headmaster at the orphanage. The boy had never gone into detail of the tortures he'd endured, but Dazai could easily guess by watching his involuntary reactions and nervous eyes when he heard words like "cage," "chains," and "injection." Whatever restraints they were using to keep him under control in the Port Mafia couldn't have been anything less than traumatizing for him. Dazai was well acquainted with trauma, he was well acquainted with torture. The first few times in a cage or cell would likely leave Atsushi angry or anxious. After a few more times in there, he'd probably start to panic. The memories would flood back. He'd grow to be unsure of whether he was in the Port Mafia or back in the orphanage. It would be hell on his mental state.
"You're training with Akutagawa-kun now, right?"
Atsushi's expression turned from frightened and far away to disgusted. Dazai suppressed a chuckle at such a transition. "Yes, the Boss is making us train together normally now. He keeps saying that we're supposed to be like what you and Chuuya-san were." He paused. "It's- I hate it...At least Akutagawa and I can agree on something for once."
"How do you normally train?"
Atsushi shrugged. "A lot of it is more experienced members fighting me and Akutagawa. We're not allowed to fight each other as much as we used to, which I'm actually relatively grateful for. Getting stabbed by his ability hurts a lot." He sighed. "It's been harder though since the tiger and I aren't completely on good terms. He's reluctant to say the least. Hates it almost as much as I do. Or he takes full control and I wake up in the infirmary."
"Atsushi-kun," Dazai began as gently as he could. "How many people?"
He paled. Dazai watched the color drain from his face. He knew that Atsushi's blood must have suddenly felt icy in his veins. He took a shuddering breath before answering. "It's been seven." He drew his knees to his chest, looking every bit as vulnerable and scared as he had on the night Dazai had found him. "Three were when I lost control and the tiger rampaged on the first night I was there." Atsushi shut his eyes tightly, willing himself not to tremble. "The other four were… training." He said that last word as if he was drowning and trying to take a breath of air before submerging.
He was rocking slightly now, trying to calm himself down. Atsushi swallowed hard before continuing. "H-He tortured them and made me watch." Atsushi's hands trailed up into his hair, his fingers raking through it roughly. "He told me to put them out of their misery. Th-then they began to b-beg for it to be over. Th-they wanted me to kill them. And the longer I tried not to, the more they screamed, the more he cut, th-the more…" He trailed off unable to finish his sentence. He didn't need to. Dazai could put the rest of it together.
Neither of them said anything for a while. Dazai didn't want to say anything that would risk pushing Atsushi over the edge, and Atsushi was struggling to pull himself together.
Atsushi mumbled something incoherent.
"Can you repeat that?" Dazai said softly, trying not to come across as cold as he often did.
"Is it bad?" Atsushi asked, his face buried in his arms. He raised his head, so Dazai could see his eyes. "Is it bad that it got easier after each time?"
Dazai felt his mouth go dry. Yes, that's bad. He thought, hating seeing his former subordinate once again reduced to this. That's how they turn your blood black. That's how they get you used to killing people. If it keeps up, you'll be slashing people apart on command in a few weeks. He couldn't say that out loud, not with Atsushi in this state. He was breaking. Breaking too quickly for Dazai to fix all at once.
"Don't beat yourself up over it," Dazai decided to say instead. "It's not your fault. You'll learn to keep moving eventually." He gave Atsushi's shoulder a comforting squeeze.
He didn't need to be told that he'd need to go back to the Mafia before they noticed his absence, before they tracked him to the Agency building. He'd have to go back to that hell. It was abundantly clear to Dazai that surviving in the Port Mafia was like trying to stay afloat in acid for Atsushi.
Time to be a proper senpai for him again. "Atsushi-kun," he began with a firm voice. "I know what it's like to drown like this. I know what drowning in general feels like in more ways than one." Atsushi let his arms down so his face was uncovered. "I'm going to be completely honest with you right now. They're going to try to convince you that you belong there, that everything you're being forced to do will give you purpose." He looked Atsushi in the eyes for a long moment.
"They'll try to use me," Atsushi said quietly. "I know."
Dazai gave him a slight smile. "Good. Don't leave the Agency behind. We'll get you back soon. I promise that."
Atsushi bit his lip before mumbling, "Please get me out sooner rather than later." He took a deep breath as steadying himself was a lengthy process. "I'm not sure how much longer I can take it."
Dazai ruffled Atsushi's hair, trying to ignore the way the boy had flinched at his touch. "Atsushi-kun, you should know by now that I'm pretty talented at reading people." He paused, lowering his hand. "Everyone here knows it. You're stronger than you ever give yourself credit for." Atsushi looked away, but Dazai could see the pleased expression on his face. "I fully believe that you'll make it through this."
"You're sure?"
"Have I ever been wrong?"
"...No."
Dazai shrugged with a smug look on his face. "That answers your question then." He set the charcoal fedora back on Atsushi's head. They stood in silence for a moment before Dazai snatched the hat from Atsushi's head again and throwing it across the room. Atsushi blinked. "I'm sorry, it's just so ugly that throwing it away is just a reflex. Don't wear hats, Atsushi-kun. They leech away your humanity."
"Okay," Atsushi said slowly, crossing the room to retrieve the hat. He didn't put it back on his head for fear that Dazai would fling it away again. He wasn't overly attached to the hat like Chuuya was with his own fedora, but it would help cover his face on the walk back to headquarters.
He climbed back up through the window. The night was cool, and he was grateful for the coat and hat. Atsushi took a deep breath in before taking a step away from the Agency, away from this place that had become his home. It almost physically hurt him to do it.
Another step.
He didn't want to go back there.
Another step.
If they found out about his little conversation with the enemy, he'd get punished.
Another step.
The moon would be out in a day.
Another step.
He'd be confined to a cage again.
Another step.
No… Please not again.
He gritted his teeth and kept walking.
He looked back at the basement window. He couldn't see Dazai anymore. The lights had gone out. Atsushi wanted to turn back into there, and stay there. Even if he was now with the Port Mafia, and an enemy of the Agency in the government's eyes.
Atsushi replayed Dazai's words in his head over and over. He was stronger than he gave himself credit for. They'd pull him out of there. He'd get out. He'd go home. He'd live through this.
Dazai sighed as he shut off the lights. Now to figure a way to get him out. Dazai thought. It wasn't going to be easy. The recent events had put the Agency in a bad light. It was a miracle they still existed. Tensions between the Agency and Mafia were high again, and taking Atsushi back wouldn't help.
Through relentless bargains and manipulation, Dazai had gotten released, but so had Dostoyevsky. The demon was still alive, and even worse, he'd disappeared without a trace. Logically, hunting him down took first priority. At the same time, he'd known it from the moment he'd seen Atsushi that day: the boy was crumbling. He was rotting away in the darkness. He was crucial to Dazai's plans. He clicked his tongue frustratedly out of habit. He'd almost claim credit for growing Atsushi from the ground up, and now it seemed the Port Mafia was burying him again.
Being in prison had really set him behind. Had he been back at work, he could have resolved this entire conundrum quickly. Now, it was all more complicated. It was all so difficult and twisted and contained so many variables that even Dazai had to take a step back and figure out what to do.
He bit the inside of his cheek as the gears began to turn in his head. He won't be there long. He decided as a plan started to weave into existence. So long as he can hang on for another week or so, he'll be fine. Dazai smirked to himself. Just stay strong for a little longer, Atsushi-kun.
I put myself in a bad mood when I wrote this.
The situation they're in is the difficult part to work with, and I didn't feel like it's necessary to go into the technicalities of it. Just... getting Atsushi out isn't easy.
Thank you for reading! Please review!