DISCLAIMER: BioWare owns Mass Effect lock, stock, and barrel. The snippets of music are from 'Telephone Line' recorded by ELO and originally written by Jeff Lynne. This chapter mess is my attempt at playing in the ME sandbox.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: I had a scene stuck in my head with the accompanying song, it wouldn't leave me alone. It's been quite some time since I last wrote anything and this is my first Mass Effect. Anyway this is a look into the crew after they depart Hagalaz and head back on their way to prepare for the Collectors. In game when I played, Liara and my Shepard saved their date until after the suicide run. For those interested in the background, Shepard is a Vanguard, Spacer, and has an 85/15 Paragon/Renegade factor.
Italics represent thoughts, accentuation, or bits from the song that inspired this piece.
Living in Twilight
Hello…How are you? Have you been alright through all those lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely nights?
No matter how spacious Cerberus had designed the Captain's Cabin, to Shepard it was an empty shell no matter the trappings surrounding her. Each small model ship had been helping her regain more of her dexterity and focus, though Shepard had to admit she nearly destroyed the Sovereign model upon completion just for the satisfaction of reclaiming that kill. Not that she still needed the workout but it never hurt to keep training. Looking up from her terminal the one model that haunted her from time to time though was the one she loved as much as she loved any of her crew.
The entire glass showcase above her desk nearly recently suffered a gun blast as the memories took hold: the model of the Normandy much as it hurt, Shepard still loved the old ship more than this Cerberus rebuild because there were too many missing pieces of her heart tied to that old wreck. Even her old breather helmet, if anything that one piece was a stark reminder of just what she had lost to get here.
Nothing stung more than the picture of Liara that someone had placed on her desk for her. It was one from their time on the SR-1 together, how different she seemed. That was the woman she remembered, the one she met on Illium reminded Shepard of her darker moments, of dreams broken. Her voice was cold and stoic harkening dark images of Noveria, their kiss brief, and Liara had treated Shepard initially so dismissively that it reminded her of Ash's harsh skepticism on Horizon. If not for the two teammates that she had to pick-up and the Shadow Broker info from Cerberus, Shepard would have pressed harder for answers then and there.
Both Yeoman Chambers and Miranda had tried contacting her after they'd departed Hagalaz. Shepard wanted no part of answering to anyone under her command, whether they pretended to be a concerned friend or they truly were. Garrus knew she'd come out of her cabin soon enough and if not then he or Tali would go to their old friend and do whatever was necessary. The intrusion into his space, thoughts and work calibrating the gun battery were not welcomed.
"It's not like either of them is dead this time and we can't take this damn ship back to its previous coordinates," Garrus gruffly stated to Operative Lawson as his mandibles clicked painfully and obstinately hoping she'd understand he meant to end their simple conversation.
"Is it really…" anything further was lost as the door to the Main Battery closed shut on the Cerberus operative.
One glance to his monitor showed her sigh wearily before a flash of biotics and then her retreat, with the release of her energy static flashed on his monitor. With a contented sigh, Garrus returned to his daily routine thinking back to Liara's presence on the Normandy and her adamant refusal to disembark the shuttle any further than the cargo bay.
Three days ago, Normandy's shuttle bay after departing the Illium space dock.
However brief their chat had shown the weariness of more than just two simple years…but theirs had been anything but simple in Shepard's passing. In the quiet, Garrus and Liara resigned themselves to accepting the simple fact that some benevolent God or Goddess had sent her back to them. Only for the malevolent others to continue to use her as a tool for men who wished to stand on the shoulders of her greatness instead of, as they had and would again, aspire to that greatness at her side in their own rights.
He internally wished for some small remark, something that would give the young Asari a smile instead of the mask of contempt she wore. Garrus found it difficult to bear even though he knew the reason for their current side mission, though she had been Shepard's love interest, Garrus felt a stab of regret thinking that redemption might be out of all their reaches if this young woman had gone so far from her true character. He had watched on Illium as her face twisted into something dark as SpecTRe Vasir had launched herself out the window and down to the ground level wrapped in Shepard's hasty embrace. Even worse had been the words back in her office when Shepard had gone to inquire on the whereabouts of the Justicar Samara. Spirits be damned, Wrex would probably have laughed and tried to tease her. Come on Vakarian what are you holding your tongue for? It's not like there are any Asari commandos here…
Don't you realize the things we did, we did were all for real…not a dream. I just can't believe they've all faded out of view.
Kasumi Goto had just heard Miranda's voice in time to pull her cloak as she headed for the Mess to see what was left of Rupert Gardner's latest attempt at gumbo. She hugged the wall as the biotic stormed by, apparently upset. Understanding this ship's dynamic that meant: Shepard, though as far as Kasumi knew she was still locked away in her cabin with her memories. Once clear of the emotionally charged woman she prayed Gardner wasn't around, the thief could fix her own ramen tonight so long as she could find all of the necessary ingredients and beat a hasty retreat before the cook/ janitor returned.
Kasumi couldn't fault Shepard for her emotions over her reunion with her former Asari lover. Because if there had been a chance she'd have done the same for Keiji, as it was Shepard was the one to help her retrieve all that was left of the man she once loved. I might like to gossip but I want no part of this insanity; hmm maybe I'll go see what Jacob's doing.
Samara was finding it increasingly more difficult to hold her meditations with all the negative energy centering on the ship's core. No not the engine, the spiritual core that was defined around Shepard. The young woman's presence was so willful and strong as was her battlefield demeanor. Seeing Shepard with her former maiden bond-mate reminded the matron buried deep in the memories of the Justicar Matriarch what it was like to love and be loved that way. Bonded, deeper than either seems to know or understand, Samara thought with a heaving sigh.
Samara stood from her position and went to the window that faced out on the great void of space. It crossed her mind for the first time that the woman leading them into this battle had already once been embraced in the void and been returned. The beautiful and lonely maiden had beseeched the Goddess for the return of her lover, not for the return of the galaxy's great hope. It seemed a great loss as far as the Justicar was concerned to not have the maiden with them, but Shepard's will…or well the new Shadow Broker's will. With a wry chuckle and a silent prayer for the lovers, Samara returned again to her meditations.
When I look in to the sky, the love you need ain't gonna see you through. And I wonder why the little things you planned ain't coming true.
On Deck Four, as Miranda had gone to speak with Garrus,
When Yeoman Chambers pulled Tali aside on the Engineering Deck, away from Engineers Donnelly and Daniels it seemed she too was met with a touch of sarcasm. Tali threw up her hands and shook her head.
"This is not 'Fleet and Flotilla'…Shepard will make her own peace with whatever she is feeling," Tali remarked and returned to continue speaking with the new engineers about the new drive core.
The yeoman just dropped a hand to her hip and sighed. Internally she realized that she was becoming too close to the enigmatic presence of the woman that was Commander Shepard. All of their flirtations had been in good fun, but during a casual dinner in Shepard's quarters there seemed to be an Atlas-style weight upon the woman's shoulders. Though Kelly didn't press the subject she did try to find anything to make the woman smile.
Just as Kelly was about to clear the second set of doors out of Engineering and return to the elevator she heard Jack say, "Fuck her already and stop acting like we don't know that's what you want. Oh Hell Chambers bring along a copy of Vaenia and some blue body paint. Just fuck off."
Okay so no one's answering. Well can't you just let it ring a little longer?
Sitting in his pilot's chair trying to enjoy a simple coffee and a protein bar as ordered by Dr. Chakwas until his shift ended, Joker wondered for the fiftieth time since they left the wake of the Shadow Broker's ship in the skies of Hagalaz just what was going through Shepard's mind.
Allowing the love of her life to remain there, sure there may be benefits in abundance on the creepy looking ship, but Joker just had to wonder if Shepard's mental state would hold through the mission. As he heard the song in her cabin loop once more and her voice crack with tears as she tried to speak the very words she should have spoken to Liara in person he thought once more of asking Dr. Chakwas if allowing her behavior was healthy.
EDI, on the other hand, had no reason to act with caution. All she knew was there were multiple signs of distress and erratic behavior amongst the crew, from the commander to the pilot to their alien crew members as well. Was this one woman's doing or undoing?
"EDI, the crew is going through growing pains. This mission is not without its stressors. Each member will adjust to them accordingly. They all know what is expected of them, you don't face death without first facing mortality. I am quite sure even our esteemed Justicar crew member would tell you how fleeting such a thing as life on the mortal coil can be." Dr. Chakwas laughed to herself as she realized there seemed to be a child's concern to EDI's questioning.
"I do not understand why each would choose seclusion over finding answers together. Are we not a team, a whole unit? Wouldn't it then be easier and most logical to face said problems as a consensus?" the AI asked sounding almost innocent if the doctor had not known better.
"Their bonds are not yet strong enough to allow dropping the walls guarding their hearts. Not all of them anyway… What brought you to seek out my counsel, EDI?" Karin Chakwas asked as she looked over the health reports from the last few missions.
Shepard, of course, was still improving greatly in health from her very first scan. The scan for Justicar Samara showing that a quickly applied medi-gel had saved her from needing any time in the med-bay beyond the cursory scan and another application of medi-gel with agreed upon meditations would take care of her bruised ribs and the other minor battle scratches.
The meditation was something the good doctor thought Shepard could benefit from, the Alliance didn't train their Vanguard soldiers in restorative meditations, and time with the Justicar would probably benefit their Commander in more than one way. Garrus had tried to avoid the med-bay after Hagalaz and after receiving a visit from Dr. Chakwas in person he begrudgingly submitted. And he of course had to cover his slight embarrassment with his wit. See I tried to show off, since I'm not a biotic, and figured I could catch the Shadow Broker's flimsy desk with my face.
"Beyond the current mental health status of the crew, specifically Commander Shepard, it is the music that currently reverberates against my hull at close to 28 decibels and slowly climbing. The quality is…I do not understand some of the lyrical intentions. It is from early Earth history; it is about an old mode of conversation…I do not understand the fascination with looping the song and bringing up the decibels whenever I have an inquiry of her status." EDI's synthesized voice now sounded perplexed and if she were human the doctor would dare say haughty.
"EDI would you please play the song for me, in a much lower decibel range of course?" the good doctor inquired hoping maybe this would help her understand EDI's query and Shepard's current distress.
The old song just tugged at the doctor's heart almost immediately. It was easy to understand why Shepard would be listening to such a song, lost out of time as she was. Two years put Shepard in a difficult place with the ones she loved, not all of whom could or would willingly return to her side during this difficult time.
Facing the woman now the doctor noticed Shepard really didn't care what was going on outside her cabin doors. She had grudgingly opened them for Dr. Chakwas to give Shepard some much needed biotic rations and to have the none-too subtle glance at the status of her cabin. Yes she was fine; in fact despite the tugging raw ache at her heart Shepard was happy. Those had been her words to the doctor, not something anyone else in her place wouldn't be feeling. There was a chance, slim of course, but she at least had a date to find out if there could still be more to her and Liara.
As she departed in the elevator, Dr. Chakwas had to admit that yes it was good that at least a few old faces had returned to Shepard's side for this big fight and for even some of the more insignificant skirmishes along the way, but the ones not present had left their tell-tale signs on her battered soul.
The doctor mused over how Shepard spoke proudly of Urdnot Wrex and all that he was trying to do for his people, of all he had done for Grunt, when others would have turned him away. But closer inspection by trained eyes could see that she would miss the gruff Krogan and his sense of loyalty and humor.
Horizon brought them across many of the first positives but had also cut Shepard deeper than most knew. Operations Chief Ashley Williams had been more than just a crew-mate and best friend to Shepard. If they hadn't been such close friends and Liara were not the evident focus of Shepard's emotions, one might have assumed that these two were playing fast and loose with the fraternization rules mandated by the Alliance Navy.
Shepard may have never shown much favor when it came to taking them into battle, putting their lives at risk along with her own, but it never stopped the endless speculation. There was something under the armor and all the care-free banter, but whatever it was seemed to have been swallowed in the same abyss that snuffed the woman's life out two years ago. Hard cold truth, but it was a choice that Ashley Williams had to make in order to move on without being paralyzed by the grief of her loss. Something she had yet to admit to Anderson when asked for her reports or her ever keen sisters during their vid-mail was just how close she was to saying yes back on Horizon.
Oh oh telephone line, give me some time. I'm living in twilight.
Shepard sent the good doctor on her way with a chuckle and a mental note to chew out Kelly and Miranda for sending her up in the first place. For people with such absolute trust, they sure weren't acting like it. This was not some simple school-girl crush she left behind.
All she wanted to do was leave a simple voice message, why couldn't she finish the words. Every time Shepard opened the voice file, the tears would sting, her heart would suddenly seize, and the cabin would suddenly remind her of the vast abyss of space between her and the Asari she loved.
On the SR-1 Shepard had to order Liara away. On the Shadow Broker's Hagalaz base, there was no need; they were going in two totally different directions trying to achieve the same goals. If prodded Liara would cite the not so purely selfish reason of helping Shepard. As appreciative as she was for this, Shepard felt something wrong in the pit of her stomach.
Once again Shepard keyed up the voice message she had saved, listened to it, and promptly deleted it realizing it sounded desperate. She was lonely, but seeing and spending even that short time with Liara had given her a boost of resolve, yes she would do this job and come back. Though Shepard felt the sting of tears as she tried to record something even remotely happy, all she got was angst.
'Part of me wishes this wasn't just a recording and you and I were sitting here together talking. There are so many things I want to know, all the things I've missed. I've been in twilight all of my life, until you. I get all out of sorts as I try to tell you everything…even just that I'm looking forward to seeing that smile of yours again.'
Afterwards Shepard saved the file and through bleary tear filled eyes thought she'd closed the file. Was it to be a happy coincidence that she had accidentally sent it along to Liara instead?
EDI though monitoring crew transmissions and outgoing mail was not familiar enough with Shepard's actions to question the outgoing transmission. It had clearly been saved and deleted over 20 times previously, but never in this structure. EDI had no previous behavior pattern model to suggest not allowing the sending of the message to Doctor Liara T'Soni.
The return message didn't take long to show up on her private terminal. Shepard braced herself as she heard the sound of her lover's voice. It was hard to think of them as anything else, yes Shepard had a propensity to flirt but she knew Liara held half her soul and she never be complete without her. Two years though could mean anything, though Liara calls Feron a friend who knows if there had been anyone else on Illium.
'Oh Goddess…how is it that you can still make me feel this way? Just come back to me Shepard.'
There had been more than one sigh in that message and maybe a little more if Shepard's ears heard correctly. Shepard wished she could reach through the recording and caress Liara's blue cheek, capture her lips one more time, but settled for synching the message she received to the picture of Liara that resided on her desk. Now the reminder was as tangible as if she were two decks below once more, instead of half the galaxy away.
Shepard turned off her music and readied herself for a few hours of rest. She felt like fire ran through her veins now. It was a feeling Shepard planned on using to carry her through the Omega-4 relay to confront the Collectors and come home again.