#004. Hello, Dolly!
Starring:
Ness
Yoshi
"BLLLAARARARARA! LISTEN UP, EVERYONE! IS EVERYONE LISTENING? HELLO, HELLO, HELLO, HOW LOW? I JUST MADE A REFERENCE BLLLLAARRRRGH! DID ANYONE GET THAT? ANYHOOTIEANDTHEBLOWFISH SINCE MASTER HAND IS STILL ONLY GONNA RETURN AN EVENT MATCH LATER I, HIS CRAZIER BROTHER, IS MAKING THE ANNOUCNEMENT! AND THE ANNOUNCEMENT IS THAT OUR ANNUAL DONATE YOUR TOY THING IS COMING UP! EVERYONE ALREADY KNOWS ABOUT IT BUT FOR EXPOSITIONAL PURPOSES I WILL EXPLAIN! THAT EVERY YEAR EACH SMASHER MUST DONATE AT LEAST ONE TOY TO A CHARITY ORGANIZATION THAT COLLECTS YOUR UNWANTED BAGGAGE FOR SNOTNOSED LITTLE BUGGERS! SO BE SURE TO COLLECT YOUR DONATION BOX FROM THE ATRIUM AND PUT YOUR TOY IN IT BY FRIDAY ELEVEN-FIFTYNINE! AND STUFF! GARABOOGAHYUGALOOGA CRAZY OUT! BRRAAPPPBAPBAPBAPBAP DO YOU KNOW CATS HAVE TWO VOCAL CORDS, ONE FOR PURRING AND THE OTHER FOR MEOWING? I DIDN'T! LMAOMAOMAOLMAOMAO I MISS MY BROTHER!"
The announcement finally ended there with a rude explosion of static.
"You know, I think Master Hand would have a much easier time getting us to pay attention during his announcements if he put Crazy in charge of reading them," Yoshi finally spoke up after he and Ness were finished rolling around on Ness's giant Onett-themed carpet, the last of their suffocating laughter wheezing out of their lungs. "Did you know that cats have two sets of vocal cords?"
"No, no, I'm more of a dog person," Ness replied, a wide smile still splitting the cheeks of his red face as he sat back up. He shook his head, and, in a slightly more serious tone this time, said, "I totally forgot that the Give-A-Toy thing was this week, though. Remind me to go out and buy something on Friday, will ya?"
"But you have plenty of toys here!" Yoshi motioned with a sweep of his hand the entire room. "You've got your UFOs and Sky Runner –" Yoshi pointed to the part of the ceiling directly above Ness's bed, where the plush spaceships hung from on nearly-invisible wires "– your Bionic Slingshot, which you never use anyway –" Yoshi nodded his head to futuristic launching toy resting comfortably on one of Ness's shelf "– your Starman –" Yoshi got up and briefly placed his hand on the shiny, chrome figurine striking a proud pose on Ness's desk "– among countless others." Yoshi concluded his attempts at convincing Ness he need not spend extra money (which was totally not a thinly-disguised narrative technique to give some visual context to Ness's room while also paying as much homage to one of the best games of all time as possible) by plopping down on a giant Tessie beanbag, wrapping her long neck around his chest and squeezing it in plushy comfort.
"I told you, Yoshi, I need them for the décor," Ness sighed as he leaned back, gazing, perhaps in recollection of some fond memories, at each of the items Yoshi had pointed out. He hesitated, then suddenly brought his legs closer to his chest. "Hey, this reminds me. I got something from my sister just yesterday. Says she found it while she was looking through the attic for her old books."
"Oh? And what is it?" Yoshi asked, fixing Ness with a curious eye as he nestled into a more comfortable position in the beanbag.
"It's…" Ness reached under his bed. He strained his arm while patting the area under his bed, closing one eye and sticking out his tongue; then his expression brightened instantly as his hand smacked what he was looking for. "…This!" he revealed with a triumphant flourish as he dragged his arm from the bed and thrust his fist in front of Yoshi's face.
Yoshi tilted back slightly to better see what was in Ness's hand. "A doll?"
"Pfft. Doll, he says," Ness smirked as he receded his arm and held the "doll" to his face. As his eyes found better adjustment on the object, Yoshi could see that the "doll" was, indeed, more in line with one of those action figures endlessly popular with little boys – a coating of brown plastic that sheened in the light, jointed arms and legs capable of striking a myriad of flashy poses, an expression of hardened confidence declaring war on all and any who dared oppose its justice. "Forgive him, Super Duper Ultra Mega Mecha Monkeytron. He doesn't know you were only the coolest thing in the 90s."
"Childhood toy, I'm presuming?" Yoshi said as he took the toy from Ness.
"Yep! Every boy had one back in Eagleland. He's a super cool cyborg monkey who was mutated with some cybnetic enhancements after a meteorite crashed into him while an experiment was going horribly wrong. The cartoon series has him fighting off the Evil Alien Dinosaurs from Venus using all his hi-tech body mods. Here, let me show you –" Ness leaned forward and clicked a switch on the monkey's right arm. Immediately the forearm lifted up to reveal a sleek, gray tube, its wide mouth gaping where its fist was moment before. "It's not doing anything right now because I didn't put in any batteries, but it sucks stuff into that tube to blast it as ammo. Totally cool."
Yoshi held the figure up to his eye and peered into the tube. "Ha! Kind of reminds me of Samus, actually. You know, like her arm cannon?"
"Yeah. They actually have different series of Monkeytrons that come with different weapons and stuff. This is the one my mom bought me, and comes equipped with a Vacuum Gun and Inky Dinky Shrink Ray." Ness tapped the other arm of the action figure. "Which, granted, might not sound as cool as Heat Seeking Missile Launcher and Plasmatic Magnet Beam Monkeytron that Jeff was telling me he had, but he makes up for it with this." Ness seized the Monkeytron from Yoshi, turned him around so that his back was facing the dinosaur, and pressed another switch that was right above his tail. Immediately the top portion of the tail lifted up, just like the forearm – only this time, it revealed a gleaming stick of metal whose point was as sharp as an icepick.
"Holy Goonie!" Yoshi cried, jumping back in shock and hitting the back of his head against the wall, as though Ness had brandished a switchblade knife in his face instead. "What the hell? Is that real? That looks like something you could use to perform a lobotomy!"
"You know what, you're right," Ness said as he looked down at the tool of murder in his hand. "I guess that explains why they had to recall these particular editions later on… But hey, it's not like they actually hurt anyone," Ness hastily added as he grinned and swung the monkey with its sheathed tail dangerously close to Yoshi's nose. "No bloodshed in the world of Nintendo, remember?"
"Hello? Are you forgetting something?" Yoshi asked incredulously, before sticking out his tongue and fiercely pointing to it.
"That was just a freak occurrence of nature. Doesn't count."
"Yeah… Well, listen – can you keep that piece of junk now, please? You're making me feel uncomfortable here." Yoshi rolled his eyes in annoyance as Ness complied, but not without an infuriating smirk of condescension stretching his lips. "I hope you're not thinking of donating that thing, because some poor kid is going to have his eye poked out if you do."
"Give away a limited edition, dangerously cool Super Duper Ultra Mega Mecha Monkeytron? Are you out of your mind?" Ness shook his head as he threw the action figure atop his bed. "I told you to remind me to go out and buy something on Friday. My dad still deposits tons of cash into my bank account, anyway, so the money's not a problem."
"Right…" Yoshi stared, still slightly disconcerted, at the figure lying on its side, thrown such that it faced the wall away from them, before shaking his head and saying, in a more upbeat, positive note, "Anyway! So, how do you wanna kick off this morning? Toony's invited us to sail the oceans with him… Lucas is gonna go and visit some Dragos… Peach is holding a flower arrangement ceremony sometime in the evening…"
Ness briefly pondered the wealth of possibilities as he buried his mouth into the circle of his thumb and index finger and rested his chin on his hand. Then he looked back up and, a sparkle of mischief twinkling in his eyes, declared, "We're gonna steal Toony's sail and put it on the roof of the East Wing, and then we're gonna lure the Dragos away and dig a giant crater to trick Lucas into thinking that a meteor killed them all, and then we'll make it just in time to replace all of Peach's flowers with Fooly Flowers, Bomb Flowers, and Demonic Petunias!"
"You always know what to do," Yoshi grinned as he picked himself up from the beanbag.
"You don't have to tell me what I already know, you dumb dinosaur," Ness retorted in feigned haughtiness as he, too, scrambled up in anticipation for the start of the day.
"Don't get too cocky, or I'll get your dorky little toy to beat the living crap out of you," Yoshi riposted with a mocking gesture over his shoulder.
In their eagerness to leave the room for another day of mischief, neither looked behind to see the 180 degree turn of the monkey's head, its unblinking eyes trained on the back of the retreating dinosaur.