It was easy at first, Regina laments. Reflecting back to the early days, she recalls the undeniable hate that coloured her first interactions with Emma in dark purple shadows. She had spun a world from her fingertips and built a castle fit for a queen. She had designed her own fairytale ending and it had been perfect, until the blonde woman had entered her world. Things, for better or worse, would never be the same.
She breathes in the red wine in her glass like air and tries to remember what things felt like before. There was a time when the name "Emma" meant nothing to her. Now, the slightest mention of the woman brings her complicated feelings that no amount of alcohol will cleanse from her mind. She is chained to her emotions. The Evil Queen of the Enchanted Forest, strong against so many, has fallen prisoner to the golden-shrouded beacon of good, the savior.
Regina takes another deep breath of bitter substance and returns the glass heavily to the desk. How did it end up this way? She longs to feel the thrill of power coursing through her veins once again. There was a time when she was controlled by the intoxicating force of vengeance and unbridled fury. That version of Regina solved her problems by pulling hearts from the unworthy. That Regina was not a slave to her own heart.
Her eyes lift now to consider the photograph that sits framed to the right of her desk. Henry gave it to her several years ago when the tentative truce between her and Emma was a fragile and novel thing. In the captured moment, she observes the three of them sit together at Granny's, sharing hot chocolates and looking uncharacteristically comfortable with each other. That feels like another lifetime ago. That was before Regina tripped on her own resolve. That was before she fell in love.
She sighs now, the forgiving buzz of red wine finally settling into her reality. Comforted by the warmth of alcohol, she allows herself to settle further into thoughts of Emma. She remembers hating the blonde woman with every fibre of her being. While years ago, she could list many reasons why the savior deserved to have her life taken from her, the past seems much clearer now.
Regina was jealous of Emma. The facts were simple when it came to their relationship. Henry's birth mother had crashed into her perfect life and turned everything that she thought she knew upside down. The boy had been the one thing that made her life worth living. After years of closing herself off following losing Daniel, her son had warmed a frozen piece of her heart. Henry had been everything to Regina and she could not stand to compete for his love. Regina did not truly hate Emma, she was jealous of the way Henry held his heart out to her as well. The Evil Queen never had to share.
As Emma continued to meddle with her controlled world, jealousy continued to well up within Regina. She saw how all the townsfolk easily gave smiles and trust to the newcomer. Effortlessly, the savior seemed to do no wrong. With all the right motives and the unwavering support of the others, she shone brightly in everything she did. Emma is Regina's light. After years of living in the dim of night illuminated only by the flecks of light reaching from the sparse stars in her horizon, the golden child of Snow and Charming glimmered brighter than anything the Queen had ever seen.
Regina cannot remember when her jealousy turned into admiration. You spend so long envying another and then it becomes hard not to think about them. Now, Regina cannot think about Emma without feeling her heart swell a tiny bit before crashing back down toward her stomach. There was a time when she felt nothing. Now, she feels everything. Her mind is a constellation of connected sensations that all react to the thought of her child's biological mother. When one is activated, like the smell of her musky perfume, the others are set off in a pattern of engagement that lights up the deepest and the darkest parts of her.
"Emma is my light."
She whispers this to herself, not for the first time. She knows that it is dangerous to allow herself to give time to these thoughts, but they are seductive and want to be felt. Though Regina knows that this will only cause her pain, it is the closest she can get to Emma. In her head, she can cross the boundaries and be honest about how she feels.
If only… she sighs. If only Emma were to feel the same. She must know, Regina thinks. Though the words have never really been exchanged between them, the sentiment has been clear on several occasions. There was one night that she lost control under the influence of a few too many pints of beer and tried to sever their friendship because it hurt too much. Emma had shrugged the event off and the town went on without a second thought.
Regina had not forgotten though. Her eyes catch on the photograph again, this time tuned only to Emma Swan and her irritatingly perfect lips. There is sadness in her eyes, she decides. Though her mouth is caught in a characteristic half-smile, there is a depth to her that transcends the momentary joy. Emma is hiding a pain that spans decades and Regina longs to cut these scars away from her. She wants to heal the woman, to use her magic for good. But, she cannot. Her hands have never learned the soft curves of healing and they catch themselves falling into hard and unforgiving motions.
Emma will never love her. Emma cannot ever love her.
If Regina were still the Evil Queen, she would find a spell or a curse to change things. She would concoct a way to make Emma love her. She would change everything and sacrifice whatever was necessary to get what she wanted. Emma is her happy ending, but happy endings are not attained through selfish means.
The worst of it all is how deeply Regina cares for Emma.
In Regina's happy ending, she does not get the girl. In Regina's happy ending, Emma is truly happy. Emma will never be happy with Regina and she knows this.
Regina finishes off the bottle of wine, this time drinking straight from the bottle. She wonders how her heart has led her from being a powerful Queen to a servant. If she cannot be Emma's true love, she will dedicate herself in loyalty. She will stand by the savior's side, no matter how much it kills her to watch Emma give her heart to the pirate.
Though she burns with despair at the thought of Hook and Emma together, she knows that this is what her love wants. Breaking them apart would not make her happy. Regina will never be anything to Emma more than a trusted accomplice or friend. It is her burden to carry the encompassing love and mute it down to a respectable loyalty.
The tales always speak about finding one's true love, but they never mention what happens when your true love does not feel the same. Regina should walk away from it, and she knows this, but how can you walk away from a chance to be close to the one you love? Even if Emma cannot love her, is it not better to be a small part of her life than nothing at all?