Author's Note

Originally written by White Rabbit Asylum with some occasional inputs from Riddell Lee. There are several shout-outs to A Very Potter Musical, and old flash Lord of the Rings parodies. And it's written in script because there was actually an attempt to film it-which completely failed to happen. So, it's the Iliad with Zombies, because zombies make everything better. And sadly, the story is on indefinite hiatus. Please enjoy.

Warning: Swearing, graphic images, and bad Greek jokes

Act I, Scene One

(Setting: The fifth year of the... modern day Trojan War. Yes, that's a contradiction. No, it's not going to change for the sake of accuracy. Somewhere Homer is turning in his grave... Anyway. In the Underworld (or, you know, Riddell's basement) things are pretty boring. Hades is lounging around in a comfortable-looking chair. He is either very bored or very annoyed.)

Hades: "Persephone!"

Persephone: (walking up) "Yes?"

Hades: (long pause, then gestures) "...How long have those clothes been on the floor?"

Persephone: "I don't know, an hour or so. I just put them there for now."

Hades: "Are you going to put them away? Or fold them? What's your plan here?"

Persephone: "I'll get to it eventually."

Hades: "Eventually?"

Persephone: "I've just... it's just that I've been kind of down lately... maybe if you would let me see the sunlight for a little while, I might be able to work faster—"

Hades: "No!" (getting to his feet) "Now, as the Lord of the Underworld, I command you to at least... FOLD them, or something!"

(Persephone, cringing, hurries to fold the clothes.)

Hades: (after a moment, calming his mind, calmly speaks again) "You know, I've been thinking..."

Persephone: "Usually in my nightmares, this is the point where I try to run and can't..."

Hades: "Does the underworld seem a little crowded to you?"

Persephone: "What do you mean?"

Hades: "There just…seems to be a serious overpopulation problem going on right now. The pool's always crowded... and the younger souls are always playing that 'music'... What the hell is a Soulja Boy, anyway?!"

Persephone: (absently) "I think it's some kind of vegetable."

Hades: "And they're singing about it?"

Persephone: "You know, there wouldn't be overcrowding down if your brothers and sisters weren't keeping that war going."

Hades: "Ah, yes..." (Taps his fingertips together, expression growing cold, a hint of disgust as he speaks his brothers name) "Zeus... I mean, just because he saved us all from the stomach of my father, now he thinks that he can walk all over me! I'm the only god who doesn't live on Mount Olympus! But he doesn't know... I have an excellent plan... and evil plan…" (Camera zooms in dramatically with the next lines) "The One Plan to Rule them all… Oh, he will RUE THE DAY—"

Persephone: (killing the dramatic moment) "Whoa, whoa, whoa, back up - you literally kidnapped me and forced me to live in the dank gloom of the Underworld... and you're complaining that your brother is mean to you? You think you're having a tough day? Hah! I'm having a tough life!"

Hades: "..." (slightly tearful) "Well it's not fair! I'm older!"

Persephone: (sighs) "Look, if you're really so bent out of shape about this overcrowding thing, you could... you know…just talk to Zeus and ask him if maybe he could put a stop to the war..."

Hades: "You know, I make fun of you, but every once in a while, you have a wonderful idea. I can FORCE Zeus to put an end to the war!"

Persephone: "...That's not exactly... You know what? Never mind." (she goes back to folding clothes)

Hades: "But how to go about it... there's not really much I can do from down here. I need a plan." (camera zooms in theatrically) "The One Plan to rule them all…" (reverting to normal, thoughtfully) "The only thing I really have control over is the ebb and flow of the River Styx… River Styx… that's an idea! If I get Charon to stop letting souls in, then they'll back up on earth, and Zeus will have no choice but to end the war! Brilliant! Genius! Astonishing! Extraordinary! Wouldn't you agree, Persephone?!"

(Persephone just continues folding clothes, not looking up.)

Hades: "...Persephone?"

Persephone: "Hmm?" (looks up) "...Oh, I'm sorry, Hades. I didn't realize you had stopped talking."

Act I, Scene Two

(Setting: the Greek camp. It's after sunset, and a three soldiers sit around a campfire. Two of them are slouched over, looking ultimately bored, but one is fidgeting slightly, as if he's looking around for a topic of conversation.)

Pandorus: (who has been fidgeting) "...Did I ever tell you guys about that Trojan I killed the other day?"

Diomedes: (exhausted) "Yes, Pandorus. You told us loudly, and often."

Pandorus: "...But did I show you?"

Odysseus: "What the hell are you talking about?"

Pandorus: "Good question."

(He stands, leaves the screen for a moment, and returns... dragging a bloodied body with him.)

Diomedes: (instantly straightening up) "Dude!"

Odysseus: "Whoa! Whoa! That is not cool!"

Pandorus: "This is totally cool! I mean, look how well-persevered he is!"

Diomedes: "Are you kidding me right now? I mean, that's... that's a dead body. We're just having a conversation, and you drag out a body?"

Odysseus: "Oh, man... the Trojans are gonna be so mad..." (points) "You've got to give the body back to them."

Pandorus: "Why? It's not like they can use it now! ...Or can they?" (winks)

(Everyone cringes.)

Diomedes: "That is so gross..."

Pandorus: (still messing with the body) "Hey, guys, I made a funny - what's the difference between a dead Trojan and a trampoline?"

Odysseus: "I will pay you any amount of money if you don't finish that joke."

Pandorus: "With a trampoline, you take your shoes off before you jump on it!" (laughs loudly)

Diomedes: "Oh my Zeus... you're making dead baby jokes about the Trojan!"

Pandorus: "What's the matter, scared of the big bad Trojan? Hey, look what happens when I tug the skin on the back of his head…"

(He does so, and the Trojan's mouth opens accordingly.)

Pandorus: (doing a ventriloquist routine) "Hello. I am a Trojan. I can't hurt anyone. Because I'm dead. Pandorus killed me, because he's awesome."

Odysseus: (gets to his feet, backing away) "That is the worst thing I have ever seen..."

Diomedes: (doing the same) "Seconded!"

Pandorus: "What's the matter? Two rugged Greeks, scared of the big, bad Trojan?"

Odysseus: "Look, dude - we're not mad at you, and we're not even going to tell anyone that you dragged a dead body into our camp, if you just take it back to the Trojans right now. And stop doing that thing with its mouth, it's creepy."

Pandorus: (pause) "I'm not doing the mouth thing..."

(A split second, then the Trojan's eyes fly open... revealing that they are a horrible, blank shade of white. He growls, opens his mouth, and lunges forPandorus' throat. Pandorusscreams, knocked onto his back while the zombie begins nomming him. Diomedes and Odysseus look on abject horror.)

Diomedes: "…I say we run for it."

Odysseus: (quickly) "Good idea!"

(They do so.)

Act I, Scene Three

(Setting: Near the walls of Troy. Paris and a random Trojan soldier are walking along. The random Trojan soldier looks miserable, while Paris just looks confused.)

Paris: "I mean, I thought everyone liked me. Women like sensitive men, right? I'm charming, handsome, clean-shaven... I mean, I'm the sexy one! Hektor's the rational one... Father is the smart one... and you..." (gestures) "You're just the one who's bitchy... I'm the handsome one! Everyone likes me!"

Random Trojan #1: (glowering) "Well, the one who's bitchy isn't too crazy about you right now..."

Paris: "Hektor just doesn't see how valuable I am. He's convinced I should go to war like the rest of the men...but what if I got killed?! It would be such a waste! Hektor's always been more rational than me, but this time I'm convinced he's wrong... Are you listening to me?"

Random Trojan Soldier #1: "No."

Paris: "See, this right here - I don't get it! Everyone used to love me, but since I brought Heleny-poo to Troy I've been getting this hostile vive. It could just be all in my head…"

Random Trojan Soldier #1: "I don't know; it might have something to do with the fact that you started a war that has caused the death of hundreds of good men…"

(Paris draws to a halt, pointing at something up ahead.)

Paris: "What do you suppose that fellow's doing?"

(Cut to: a random solider in the distance stumbling toward them at a slow pace.)

Random Trojan #1: (looks at Paris oddly, still annoyed) "Seems to be enjoying a nice walk along the walls. Who are we to question his motives? Urgh, Troy could turn into a facist dictatorship right under our noses with people like you running the place..."

Paris: "No, I mean... look how he's walking... doesn't that seem strange to you?"

Random Trojan Soldier #1: "Maybe his leg fell asleep."

Paris: "No... no... it looks like rabies."

Random Trojan Soldier #1: "Psh. Rabies? Really, Paris? Next you'll be telling us that it's the zombie plague, set loose upon the earth to punish the wicked and smite the infidel!" (rolls his eyes)

(As the solider gets closer... it becomes obvious that there's something wrong with his eyes... Random Trojan Soldier #1 is starting to look slightly worried…)

Paris: "Umm... yeah, rabies, zombie, whatever..." (he hands his spear and shield to Random Trojan Soldier #1)"I'll be back in my room. With Helen."

Random Trojan Soldier #1: "What do you want me to do?"

Paris: "Well... you're a soldier. Defend your city." (claps him on the shoulder and smiles brightly) "It was nice getting to know you."

Act I, Scene Four

(Setting: Near the sea. Shot from a distance, an indistinct figure is running quickly along the beach... then running along a forest path... into a house, through a hallway... and into the throne room of the Greek gods. Hera, Zeus, and Athena are sitting there. Zeus looks tired, Hera is glaring at him, and Athena is holding up a sign that says "I HAVE GREY EYES." As our running figure (Hermes) draws to a halt... close up on his shoes. Which are FABULOUS.)

Hera:(glancing at him) "How goes the battle, Hermes? Are the Greeks winning?"

Athena:"We might have bigger problems."

Zeus:(rolling his eyes) "For the last time, the business with Europa was a mistake! I mean, you screw one cow, and it comes back to haunt you for years—"

Hermes:(shaking his head) "No, no, it's not that..."

Zeus:"...Oh. Well..." (clears his throat awkwardly) "...What news, then?"

Hermes:"Something very strange is happening. This morning, as it started raining—"

Athena: "Yes, rain, Chicken Little. Annoying, but not fatal to non-witches."

Hermes:"—as it started raining, the bodies which lay strewn across the battlefield... this may sound odd... but they seem to be... reanimating."

(Cue the blank looks.)
Hermes:"...My guess is that Charon isn't taking them to the Underworld... and their souls have nowhere to go but their bodies, so..." (shrugs)

Zeus:"Why would Charon do such a thing?"

Hera:"He's union."

Zeus:"Oh..."

Athena: (scoffs) "Isn't it obvious? Charon answers to Hades." (looks at Zeus) "It seems that your brother's in a foul mood again."

Zeus:(darkly, sighing) "He's been in a 'bad mood' for a millennium..." (gets to his feet) "Well. I guess I'll just have to see what he wants, then…"

Act I, Scene Five

(Setting: The Underworld again. Hades is creeper-staring at Persephone while she scrubs the floor. She tries to ignore him, but he only leans out of the chair, moving closer to her, his eyes growing wider.)

Persephone:(finally giving up) "May I help you?"

Hades:"…Are you always this weird-looking, or are you making a special effort today?"

Persephone:(sighs) "I'm sure I'd be better looking if I had, you know, a tan. But in order to get a tan, I would need sunlight, and I'm not getting that down here. You might want to think about hiring a new interior decorator… or letting me leave the Underworld for a minute or two…"

Hades:"But I need you."

Persephone:"You need the mint…"

(The door bursts open, and Zeus strides in. Hades instantly tenses and sits back, contempt and defiance in his posture.)

Hades:"Zeus."

Zeus:"Hades." (looks around, distastefully) "I like what you've done with the place. It seems… darker… than the last time I was here…"

Persephone:"Nothing matches!"

Hades:"For the last time, it's eclectic! The theory is that if you have really fine pieces of furniture, it doesn't need to match."

Zeus:(looks around again) "…Well, at least you've got half of it down."

(Hades glares.)

Hades: "So you come into my realm just to insult me?"

Zeus: "No. Well, kind of. Mostly no. Hades…" (takes a deep breath) "You need to start letting souls back into the Underworld again."

Hades: "…"

Persephone: (whispering to Hades) "Don't you remember? You were going to force your brother to end the war."

Hades: (looks at Persephone blankly) "…Er…"

Persephone: "We just had this conversation! Your excellent plan...It's not fair, you're older…? He'll rue the day…?"

Hades: "…He'll rue the day… oh, yes! My plan!" (camera zooms in theatrically) "The One Plan to rule them all…"

Persephone: (interrupting the dramatic moment) "You forgot it?"

Hades: (quickly) "No." (nervously, as she continues to stare at him) "I was just testing you...you failed. As usual." (looks at Zeus)"…And what if I don't want to?"

Zeus:(bites his lip, thinks about it) "…I'd probably have to smite you." (nods)

Hades:"Smite me, O Mighty Smiter!"

Zeus:(annoyed) "Look, there are zombies out there! Just let the souls back into the Underworld!"

Hades:"No! End the war first!"

Zeus:"My wife would kill me! Let them in!"

Hades:"No!"

Zeus:"Yes!"

Hades:"NO!"

(Persephone has apparently had enough. She sighs, then reaches out and tugs off Hades' shoe.)

Hades:"Hey! Give me my shoe back!"

Persephone:(holding it out of his grasp) "Are you going to let your brother play?"

Hades:"Play? This isn't a game!"

Persephone:"Are you going to let your brother play?"

Hades:"He started—"

Persephone:"Are you going to let your brother play?"

Hades:"This is so—"

Persephone:"Are you going to let your brother play?"

Hades:"FINE!"

(Persephone hands him the shoe back and goes back to cleaning as if nothing has happened.)

Zeus:(gloating) "Well… that was all I really came here for." (smirks) "So, you've got the whole zombie apocalypse thing under control?"

Hades:"…Not… really."

Zeus:"Care to clarify?"

Hades:"Well… sure, I can let newly departed souls into the Underworld. No problem. But the ones who went back to their bodies as zombies…? Not much I can do about that."
Zeus:"So we're stuck with zombies wandering around our battlefield?"

Hades:"Not if you call off the war."

Zeus:"Then we just have zombies wandering around."

Hades:(thinks about it) "…Yes."

Zeus:"…Hades?"

Hades:"What?"

Zeus:"…Fix this."

Hades:(defeated) "…Yeah."

(Zeus walks out.)

Hades:"…How in the name of Cerberus' autistic right head am I going to fix a zombie apocalypse?!"

Persephone:"Should've thought of that earlier." (shrugs)

(Hades gives a huge sigh.)

Hades:(more softly) "Why do you think Zeus always picks on me, anyway? I've never done anything to him."

Persephone:"Yeah. You've never done anything. Maybe you should've made more of an effort to spend time with him. Throw lightening bolts at nonbelievers some time."

Hades:"Ergh… I hate smiting nonbelievers…"

Persephone:"So what?"

Hades:(a little annoyed) "Are you suggesting that I go along with something that gives me absolutely no pleasure at all just to receive some sign of affection?"

Persephone:"Why not? Women have been doing it for centuries."

(Hades just stares at her, a little horrified.)

Act I, Scene Six

(Setting: Athena, Artemis, Poseidon, and Aphrodite are at Olympus. Zeus has just returned from the underworld.)

Zeus:"We have a problem."

Artemis:"Again?! Who's it this time?"

Poseidon:"If it's Helen, then Aphrodite owes me 20 drachama."

Zeus:"No one is pregnant...at least not that I know of." (shoots a look at Aphrodite)

Aphrodite:(innocently) "Then what's the problem?"

Zeus:"Apparently, Hades can't… undo the undead."

Aphrodite:"Huh?"

Athena:"He means that Hades can't rid the earth of the zombies."

Poseidon:"No problem! I'll just flood the earth. We can start all over again, I personally like the idea of a water world…"

Aphrodite:"NO! You can't kill all those people!"

Athena:"And I'm pretty sure you can't drown zombies."

Poseidon:"Good point... well, I'm all out of ideas."

Artemis:"Why can't WE just hunt down the zombies?"

(Awkward silence… then the excuses start flying in all at once.)

Poseidon:"This whole global warming is making it really difficult off shore… not to mention all those polluted rivers I need to clean up."

Athena:"I've taken a special interest in a young scholar in Athens... He still needs to finish his training."

Aphrodite:"There's a prince down in Thebes who's got a thing for a shepherdess… I can't just ignore that!"

Zeus:"Hera has me scheduled for a therapy sessions… she says I have problems that I need to talk about."

Artemis:"Okay… I guess that idea… but we could always have our magical creatures do it for us. I can send out my goblins and walking skeletons."

Zeus:"Your… what?"

Athena:"We can use my griffins and orks!"

Zeus:"…I'm completely lost!"

Poseidon:"My gorgons and dwarves can always be used."

Zeus:(increasingly confused) "What the hell is going on here?"

Aphrodite:"And I have fairies and unicorns!"

Zeus:"Are you all insane…?! Where the hell are we going to get unicorns?!"

Aphrodite:(scoffs) "From my general awesomeness!"

Zeus:"…You know what? Sure. Fine. Throw out your random fantasy races with no regard for setting or time period. That's cool. I don't even care anymore… Where are Hera, Apollo, and Leto?"

Athena:"Out watching the battles."

Artemis:"You must go to them at once! We need all the help we can get!"

Zeus:"Yeah, yeah, I'm going…" (leaves)

Act I, Scene Seven

(Setting: A distance from the battlefield. Apollo and Leto as watching from out of sight. After a moment, Apollo appears to grow bored, nocks and arrow, and shoots it into the battle, with a resounding scream as a result. Leto glances at him, then sniffs the air. )

Leto:"Something smells… minty."

Apollo:"New arrows."

(He holds one out for inspection. Sure enough, it's labeled "+Five ArchOry – A refreshing blast of winter!" Cut to: the battlefield, where a random Greek has been shot, and is sinking to his knees.)

Random Greek #1: "My last breath… is also my mintiest…"

(Cut back to Apollo and Leto. Zeus walks up.)

Zeus:"Hey."

Leto:"Hey yourself."

Zeus:"So… you guys are up to date on this zombie problem?"

Apollo:"Are you kidding? You know how many headshots I've made today? It's like, for once in my miserable life of unrequited love and sunburn, I'm finally happy."

Zeus:"…Yeah. We're trying to get rid of the zombies."

(Apollo just blinks for a moment, then, his dreams crushed, stands and walks away.)

Leto:"…I'll send some vampires to help."

Zeus:"…Sparkly vampires?"

Leto:"Absolutely not."

Zeus:"Damn it!" (catching himself) "I mean… uh… yeah. That's great. Thanks. Maybe some wraiths, too…?"

Leto:"What you mean, like Rightwraiths, dementors, dark, hooded creatures in every fantasy story ever…?"

Zeus:"Pretty much like that."

Leto:"Yeah. Fine. Once Apollo calms down, I'm sure he'll send something to help out, too… like elves… He REALLY likes elves for some reason… Question: Why don't you just ask Hades to fix this?"

Zeus:"Hades said he can't… and, you know, he has a lot on his plate at the moment…"

Act I, Scene Eight

(Setting: In the Underworld.)

Hades:"Are you serious right now? It's been an hour, and you still haven't brought the couch in from the shores of Acheron?"

Persephone:"It's heavy."

Hades:"Heavy? It's too heavy?! Listen, princess, if the Egyptians can build the pyramids, you can bring a freakin' couch into my living room!"

Persephone:"Yeah, Hades. Get me ten thousand Hebrews, and I'll have it for you in no time."

(Hades starts to reply, but is interrupted by the sound of his cell phone ringing. Annoyed, he answers it.)

Hades:"Hello? …What? What? I can't hear you. And neither can the audience."

(Cue the split screen, revealing that Zeus is on the other line.)

Zeus:"Is this better?"

Hades:"Oh, a split screen. Yes, that helps."

Zeus:"So, we're all compensating for your little foul up. Everyone's sending things to take care of the, you know, zombie issue…"

Hades:"I'm never going to live this down, am I?"

Zeus:"Not a chance. Look, the reason I called is to tell you that… you should probably send something to kill the zombies, too. Like… send demons or something."

Hades:"…Um… why…?"

Zeus:"Because I said so." (hangs up)

Hades:"…Son of a—"

End of Act I