"Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments"

"How in hell did he end up there? For the last ten minutes all he could do was stare at the ceiling, his mind running wild, trying to absorb the scene, like he wasn't the one inserted on it. Like he wasn't the one who initiated it. The cheap perfume was strong, and wrong. Too light, too soft, and got impregnated on everything, including the yellow sheets. And his skin. She smelled like daisies, and somehow sunshine, and this almost made him laugh, because this wasn't the light at the dark tunnel he was looking for at all. On the contrary, he felt like drowning more and more. The curtains were closed, but the city lights were enough for him to distinguish the body beside him, in a similar position, and her vapid breaths. He tried so hard, but at the end, he just couldn't do it. His hands didn't feel right in her body, and her hair was the wrong color and texture. Her lips didn't evoke the taste of paradise he was used to, and her legs were just too long and just couldn't lock the right way around his hips. The moment his name escaped her lips while he kissed down her throat, he was done.

Jackson closed his eyes, breathing deeply, as if ignoring the presence on his side would make everything go away. He felt the girl move, and could hear her shifting out of the bed, probably looking for the rest of her clothes on the floor. He remember looking at her across the bar, with the floral short dress, staring back at him, and asking himself "Why not? It's not like you are married" And at the same time "Maybe this will make you stop feeling like it.". And when she first kissed him, while playing darts "It's not cheating, dumbass. You will have a baby, but it's not your wife the one expecting". And when they called a cab, went to his new apartment, and he pressed her against the main door "And April is fine. She is happy, and with her baby, and she doesn't care. She never did." And all the time trying to ignore the voice in the back of his head whispering how he kept telling lies to himself, and how it felt like cheating even after seven months.

Seven months of baby talk, baby touching, and OB appointments. Now and then they'd share a case and had to discuss the treatment, but out of it, they acted like unknowns. People from the outside would never assume they have been colleagues for twelve years, best friends for six, lovers for four, parents the first time for five months. They would only see the belly and the Avery boy and the Kepner girl trapped because of it. And at the nights outside the hospital he was used to think that maybe that was all that April saw too. Never him. But it was to painful to relive all that, so he'd rather let it fade in the background of his mind and focus on what was real, and that was the fact that in eight weeks he'd be a father. He wouldn't let anything on this world change it, not again.

"Is that it?" Her voice brought him back to reality, his hazy green eyes snapping open, but not looking out for her. He didn't need her on his mind for any longer. "I'm sorry for… Everything". He was an Avery after all. She deserved some consideration. It wasn't her fault he couldn't sort out his feelings and life before trying to sleep with a random woman, just because he was feeling lonely. It wasn't her fault he wouldn't admit that April was still the only one that could cure his pain, not when he asked for the divorce and pushed her away. She grunted, and the next thing he heard was his bedroom door closing after her, followed by the apartment one. He stayed like that for ten minutes more, until he gave up and stood, going to shower, trying to erase the remaining of the night from his mind. He was so tired after it, that even though he couldn't sleep in the semi-used sheets, he didn't bother to change them, just grabbing new ones and a new pillow and heading for the sofa he got used to while sharing the old apartment with "And you thought things would change, hum?" Sleep didn't come easy, and he watched the first half of a rerun of the last Celtics game, the one he missed because April wasn't feeling well and called him. It was almost two when he drifted to his dreams, and it was past three when he woke up startled because of the hard knocks at his door and his mother's voice calling his name. Not bothering to put on a shirt and still dizzy, no matter how many times he had been awakened urgently, he ran for the sound and opened the door at once, his eyes down to meet his mother's, and suddenly he wasn't sleepy anymore.

"What happened?" He was already coming back inside, looking for clothes and his shoes. His heart was accelerated, and his guts twisting like the reaper had knocked and not Catherine. For the look in her eyes, maybe they were the same. He saw it. He felt it on his heart. And that's why he had his back to her right now. He couldn't let her see the despair on his face, or the fact that his mind was back to when Robbins and Herman told him and April that the baby was type II. And she hadn't even said a word. He ran for his room, opening his wardrobe and picking the first gray shirt he could, and his jacket. He could hear the slow steps of his mother heels down the corridor, maybe pondering how to tell him whatever she came to. It wasn't only the fact that his mother had her hair up, no make up on and tears behind her eyes that sold it out. It was because the night has never been his friend. When his father said his last goodbye to him; when he got the official announcement that Charles were dead; when he heard that the plane with his friends was missing and two days later he got the call that the airplane was found, Lexie was dead and Mark was barely hanging; When April left for Moline the first time; When he told April about Samuel's condition; the only and last time he had with him… And all the nights he spent, still spends missing her, more and more. For him, late night calls come with sorrow.

"Babe" His mother started, and he held tight the car keys on his hand, doesn't letting the tears fall from his orbs. He wanted to ask her again, but he was afraid of what was coming. It was to much to ask the universe for a little happiness once in a while? Actually, shouldn't him have predicted it sooner? He couldn't say he was happy with his life, but at least this pregnancy and his life were on the right patch. When did this happen?
"Please, don't" Jackson breathed deeply, turning around and staring at her. "Don't tell me I lost him. Any of them. Because you'd be lying. Because I left April at the hospital early tonight, and she was fine, well rested, laughing like I haven't seen her in years with Riggs. Actually glowing. And they were going into a really long surgery so that's why I didn't bother to say a proper goodnight, after all I'll be back there in a couple hours, when I can have her attention only on me and I don't have to deal with how I feel about him standing near her, and touching her in ways that she doesn't let me. Not anymore. So tell me I still have at least one more month to feel our baby kick, and to hear her complaining about her bladder, or the fact that she still have weird cravings involving chocolate and watermelons, and that when she is scared about the universe, she will call me because I'm still the one person who can calm her down or can make the baby to be quiet when she is trying to sleep. Tell me it's the hospital, then. That is has been destroyed by an earthquake that I didn't feel because I was asleep. Or that the Foundation is broke or some patient is suing me. But don't tell me it's them."

Catherine kept her eyes on his, her jaw trembling of her own kept tears. Her hands were slightly forward, as trying to catch her son, hold him in her arms and never let go, blocking everything evil from reaching him ever again, as once she did, when his heart first break after discovering his father didn't plan on coming back. But he didn't move. He only stared at her, waiting for her answer, because he was now a man, and he have already fought demons she couldn't protect him from. Demons that now seemed to be back from hell. He survived the first wave, barely. He didn't know if he could do it again. She put her shaking hands down, and grabbed her phone, reading some message that just arrived, and didn't bother to reply, eyeing her son again. "The surgery finished early. The patient bleed on the table an hour into it. She was on call, even though Hunt didn't want it for the last month, but it helps her to keep her mind away from… Well, she decided to go home and change clothes, but on her way back another car hit her on a crossway." Jackson's expression was blank, but his eyes were worse than dead. He looked somehow lost, even insane. The fist holding the key started to bleed. The minutes pass. "Is she dead?" His voice was sharp, heavy, and steady, like coming from a man who spent a long time wandering without speaking a single word. A man who has seen too much. An empty man. "She is in surgery ri…""Is the baby dead?" There was some relieve in his tone, but at the same time, it sounded like he was being teared apart, slowly. Again, and again. "He is fine. For now. But they don't…""I've gotta go.""Jackson…""My wife and my baby are in a OR table and apparently nobody knows if any of them are going to make it. So I'm gonna be there. And I'm going to do whatever it takes to make sure that both of them come out alive. No one in this world is going to stop me. I'm taking no chances and waiting for no God. He doesn't have the right anymore."

A/N: Hello everyone. This is my first FF in forever and my first attempt of writing in English, since it's not my first language. I'm obsessed with Japril and couldn't deal with my s12 feelings alone anymore. The ff is named The Machine for two reasons: First, April's nickname. Second, I'm also obsessed with Florence + The Machine and some of her songs reming me of my otp. Each chapter will be named after a song from it, pretty much like Grey's episodes. I'd highly recommend you, fellow shipper, to listen to the song or read the lyrics! And please, please review! Any opinion or critic is valid and I'd love to read them! I also have a tumblr ( thearcanachronicles ), so come and chat with me! Thank you again!