A/N: Don't own anything and while I reference the great Otis Redding, was totally listening to likin park (hence the title).
The record was mesmerizing as it turned in circles; the soft musical notes coming out of the speakers fell on deaf ears. The owner of the ears watched the record turn, not truly hearing the musical notes, but still feeling their calming effect as the recorded continued to turn in circles. The empty glass in his hand once contained scotch, and if it were not too much of a hassle he would refill. The bottle may be just an arms length away, but it would require for him to sit up and he had just found a comfortable position. His side and back ached, probably from tackling her to protect her from the first explosion. The second explosion of the day probably did not help much.
It was not the physical pain though that had him sitting in his state of defeat. His current state of nothingness was Lizze's doing. No one could get to him, at least not since he decided to sever all ties that bound him to his former life, and become the Concierge of Crime. It was that or death. That was the façade, for he knew, no one could truly remove themselves from feeling or attachment. The best anyone could do, in his line of work, was to make sure anything that could hurt him was hidden deep making it harder for his enemies and those who would be happy just hurting him from finding the chinks in his armor. Elizabeth Keen was the gaping whole in his armor.
He saw her face over and over as she emerged from the memory, heard her voice echo inside his mind when she screamed for him not to touch her. The deep hurt in her eyes when she accused him of using her to get the fulcrum, for being there the night her life changed forever. She blamed him again, despite there being strong evidence against her hypothesis that he was just using her or that he had ruined her life. It was quite the opposite, the day she came into his life was the day Raymond Reddington the family man, the naval officer, the honorable man, and every other label he held back than was burned to the ground like her family home. Now he was a monster, a traitor, a criminal, dishonorable, callous bastard, and many other labels that have been applied to him like scarlet letters.
What was worse, his Lizze thinking the worst of him, or the man he had become? He did not have an answer to that question, and with that he finally sat up and poured himself another scotch, this time filling the glass almost to the brim. He lay back in the chair taking a long drawl from the glass, feeling the liquid take over him.
How could she think so poorly of him? Had he not shown her time after time how far he was willing to go to keep her safe? Had she not seen what those closest to him had seen? How could an educated woman like her, a profiler to boot, only see the darkness? Had she not listened when he spoke to her of the fish, the ray of light she had been. It was not possible for him to leave her alone, she was the last ray of light in his life, and he needed the light, even if it meant he would destroy it eventually. He was a selfish bastard after all.
Dembe knocked on his friend's bedroom door, pushing it open when he got no response. He frowned at the sight of his friend sitting in a chair, staring at a recording turning round and round. The bruises on Raymond's face were ugly, and Dembe worried that there was more damage present than he could visibly see. Earlier, he had noticed Raymond flinching in pain when he turned, the slight gimp in his confident steps, and the absent-minded rubbing of his chest in the drive home.
"Raymond." Dembe said waiting in the doorway for his friend to acknowledge him.
Red turned slowly to look at his friend.
"Should I call the doctor now?" Dembe tried again, he had already fought with Raymond twice that day to get him to see a doctor. Once when his friend had returned from the factory, and a second time after they found Elizabeth Keen. Both times Raymond had told him in no uncertain terms he did not need a doctor. It had been Dembe who stitched the cut on the side of Red's head.
"Thank you, but I am fine Dembe." Red answered, his voice dead of emotion.
Dembe nodded. He knew that trying to get Raymond to do something that Raymond did not want to do would be impossible. "I am going to rest than. If you need me I will be on the couch."
"Dembe" Red said, "You do not need to sleep on the couch."
"Just to be safe." Dembe stated he would not change his mind either. They had left a message with one of the powerful men who were out to kill Raymond. It was better to be on alert, especially on a night where Raymond was so vulnerable.
An hour later, Dembe had answered the door a gun in hand. He saw Agent Keen standing on the other side and let her in.
An hour later, Dembe had answered the door a gun in hand. He saw Agent Keen standing on the other side and let her in.
"Where is he?" She angrily asked.
"Agent Keen, it may not be the best time right now." Dembe said, "I believe he is resting. Raymond had a hard day." Dembe wanted to add saving your life, but did not because it was not his place.
"Where is he?" She asked again getting ready to pull her law enforcement card to find Red.
"He is upstairs." Dembe answered.
Liz rushed up the stairs and yelled at Reddington as she entered the room, "You are a bastard."
Red stood up from his chair, a dizzy from too much scotch and likely a concussion. "Incorrect Lizze. You should know better, my parents were very much married when they made me, I'm sure it's in one of Agent Resslers book reports about me. Technically you are the bastard in the room."
Before she knew what she was doing her hand struck out, her fist connecting with his face. Her knuckles screamed in pain from their abuse, and she watched as Raymond tipped over slamming his head into the wall as he went down to the floor. The tears in her eyes escaped finally, and she stepped back quickly away from him afraid of what he might attack her.
Red sat on the floor on his ass. He reached up and felt the side of his head that had connected with the wall, and felt the fresh blood starting to come out of the torn stiches. Next he reached up and touched his lip, looking at his finger that had his blood on it. Anger seething in his eyes, but he made no move to get up.
Dembe rushed into the room having heard the sound of a body slamming into something. Noticing Red on the floor Dembe took up residence between Liz and Red. Red was glaring at Liz, his jaw clenching and unclenching, and his eye tick once or twice. Dembe knew these signs to indicate his friend was coiled like a cobra ready to attack at the slightest provocation.
Red slowly stood up grunting in pain as he used the wall to get to his feet. He leaned back against the wall for a second, catching his breath from the pain, and than moved towards Liz.
Dembe stopped Red's progress by putting a hand on his chest. He turned and looked at Agent Keen and asked, "Are you ok?"
Red stood there, letting Dembe keep his hand on his chest, despite the pain it brought from the bruises. He never had any intention of hurting Lizze, and he was not advancing on her to attack her. A monster he might be, but he would never hurt her.
"Yes." She said wanting to run out of the room, to get away from Red and the madness.
"Raymond." Dembe said turning to look at his friend and the fresh blood pooling on Red's white shirt.
Red was not smiling, and the anger did not leave his eyes yet, but he spoke calmly, "Dembe I am not going to hurt Agent Keen."
Dembe tensed when Red moved away from his hand towards the chair he had been sitting in when Liz walked into the room.
"What did I do now?" Red asked sounding tired as he grabbed his scotch and taking a sip, hissing at the pain of the alcohol as it touched his split lip. "Might I add you have a very good right hook."?
"You killed them."
"You'll have to be a bit more specific." Red said taking another sip of his drink. He watched her pain roll through her. He was sure he knew who she meant, but he needed time to think of what he could tell her, to correct the situation.
"You killed my parents, and than you killed Sam." Liz said fixing her glare at Red. She was angry with herself for crying. It happened when she got so mad, and she could do little about the anger, she cried. She hated it because it made her look like she was just an emotional girl, and not a severely pissed off person.
"I did not kill your parents." Red said, "And I did as Sam wished. He had asked me to help him, he did not want to continue to live in pain."
"I don't believe you."
"I never lie to you." Red responded quickly.
"No you just use me and deceive me, which it is still lying by omission. You pretend to care about me, when all you do is bring pain into my life, and you have taken everything away from me."
Red chuckled; it was a tired ironic chuckle.
Dembe was certain now Red would not harm Liz, but he was not so sure Liz would not harm Red. So he stayed put watching the two.
"I ruined your life." Red was bending over in the chair now, holding his stomach. "If you only knew."
Liz watched the scene before her and started to wonder if Red finally cracked. She went to go speak again, but he stopped her by sitting up quickly.
"It was you who ruined my life Lizze. Before you came into my life I had a family. I had a daughter and a wife who loved me. I had a daughter." He said shaking in anger again, "When I was home, she would have me make up stories to tell her. She loved to snuggle into my side while I told them to her. We would go on walks and she would hold my hand, and when she was tired she'd want a piggyback ride. I would oblige and we would continue our walk. She was intelligent. Always asking questions, and expecting honest answers. Why is the sky blue, why are your eyes blue daddy, mine and mommies are green. Why do you and I have blonde hair and mommy dark hair? Where is heaven? Why does it snow? What are clouds made of? Why are some butterflies beautiful and others ugly? Do princess really exist? Are you a white knight?" He paused for a second while he remembered her scent, the sound of her voice that haunted his dreams, "She always had questions, and I did my best to answer them."
Red stood up from the chair, unsteady on his feet, no one sure if it was from the alcohol or the head wound. "I was not always this monster. I became this monster because of what they did. I chose to save a little girl over my own family. And I have paid for it every day of life."
"Raymond." Dembe tried to stop his friend before he gave too much away to Liz. He knew Red would regret his outburst later.
Liz did not speak; she knew speaking now would stop Red. She glared at Dembe when he tried to stop Red from speaking.
"I paid the highest price. Many people think death is the highest price, but it's not. It's having to live after everything has been taken from you. Your family, your honor, your career, your entire life ruined because you could not let a little girl burn to death. Because you were loyal to a friend until the end. Monsters are made Lizze, and I am no different."
"I did not kill your parents. And I do not regret helping Sam." Red said his voice calm now. "My only regret is that you will never see me as anything but a monster. I realize there is nothing I can do to change your mind. All I am doing is taking your light away, and I regret that."
Red walked up to her, despite Dembe trying to stop him. He looked Liz in the eyes; he lifted his and to touch the side of her face, but stopped himself. "Tell me you want me gone and I will pack up and leave. I can give you the list via email or one of my associates. You will never have to speak to me again. All I ask is you stay with the list because only once the list is completed will you have all the answers you seek."
"Why can't you give me answers now?" Liz asked keeping her hands at her side so as not to react to Red's closeness. She wanted to push him away, he smelled of scotch, sweat, and blood. It was very different from his normal smell that could be intoxicating.
"Because it would put you in grave danger Lizze. And I did not give up everything and become a monster so that you could die years later at their hands." Red said, "Yes I want the fulcrum, but I never used you to get it. It was secondary to my primary goal, which was to make sure those who would put you in danger would be taken down. But it had to be done strategically. You cannot attack the cabal head on; they'll see it coming. They are much too powerful to take on, no government or army in the world is strong enough to take them down. You have to use misdirection to slowly chip away at them. So that when they finally notice you are attacking, they are too weak to respond with much force. The weaker they are the more likely it is you will survive."
"You mean the more likely you will survive." Liz said only a bit of anger left in her.
"Lizze, I know there is a deep dark hole with my name on it already just waiting for me to finish the blacklist. It will either be a grave or a cell in some black site that I will never emerge from. Either way the only light I will ever see from the hole will be in my memories. It will be what a hideous monster like myself deserves. It is only than I will allow myself to remember what I once was because my mission will finally be over. You will be safe, all of my family will be safe finally."
She saw it in his eyes; there was his twitch, indicating he was feeling some deep emotion. He was telling her truth. He purposely dropped his mask for her, just for this brief moment, she got a glimpse of what made Raymond "Red" Reddington tick. It was not the hideous monster he played, but a brave man doing the best he can to right wrongs. A man that cared for her deeply. Her anger melted away at the vulnerability she saw before her. While he did not speak, his eyes begged. She was not sure if they were begging for her to tell him to leave or for her to ask him to stay. When she reached up to touch him, she noticed Red flinched stepping back from her expecting another physical assault. Instead, she slowly moved her shaky hand to touch the uninjured side of his face.
Red could not stop himself from leaning into the hand, felling the warmth on his face. It felt like a warm summer day.
"I don't want you to go." She said softly. "Why did you save me? If you knew…"
"I was young and naive. I knew they would come after me, but I never expected them to go after my family."
"Have you ever found your daughter?" Liz asked her hand lowering to Red's shoulder.
"No. Not for a lack of trying." He said moving away from her. He had enough physical contact today. Neither of them had noticed but at some point Dembe had left the room.
"You look like crap." Liz said changing the subject knowing he would be grateful. He was vulnerable to her tonight, and she knew it.
"I feel like crap." Red said swaying on his feet to further support her observations.
"Did you get checked out by a doctor?" She put her hands on his shoulders and gently moved him towards the bed.
Red let her move him and sat down when he felt his legs touch the bed, "Didn't have time. He had you, and I knew he was going to hurt you to get to the fulcrum."
"Who stitched your head than?" Liz asked, gently turning Red's head to see where his stiches had ripped open.
"Dembe" Red answered finally noticing Dembe had left the room.
She stood back and took in his form, he looked broken, "I almost lost you today." She paused, looking in his eyes, "I was terrified you were dead." She was not crying, just stating a fact, she was much too strong to cry, "Than those memories. You were there."
"I was, but I did not kill your parents."
"I believe you Red." She said her hands on his shoulders. "You need a doctor."
"I'm fine."
"You are not fine. Your heart stopped earlier today." She had forgotten about it in her anger, "I had to do CPR on you. I thought when they pulled me away from you, that you were dead."
Red thought he had remembered her begging him to breathe. It explained the bruised ribs that aggravated him, at least in part, he was sure both explosion contributed.
"Stay here. I'm going to go get some ice for your face." She said, "And don't drink anymore."
Liz found Dembe in the kitchen on the phone. She opened the freezer and found a tray of eyes. Grabbing a towel from the counter she dumped the ice into the towel and waited for Dembe to get off the phone.
He hung up and looked at her, not sure what to say or do. Finally he said, "The doctor will be here in a bit."
Liz nodded, "Thank you. I was going to ask you to call one for him."
As she was leaving the room Dembe stopped her, "Agent Keen."
She turned to look at him, "Yeah."
"Red is strong on the surface not all the way through."
"I know. I'm sorry for hurting him." She replied.
With that statement Liz turned and returned to Red. She placed the ice on his face gently. "The doctor is on the way."
"I told you I didn't need a doctor."
"Shut up Red." Liz stated, "Dembe called, and I'm pretty he'll help me cuff you to the bed if you try to stop the doctor from seeing you."
"Is that a promise Lizze?" Red joked.
Liz smiled and shook her head, she did not respond not wanting to encourage him. "Who is this you are listening to?"
"The great Otis Redding." Red answered "Change Gonna Come. One of his best songs ever recorded".
Red and Liz sat in silence listening to the scratchy record and Otis singing his soul for the world to hear. The desperate need for a change to come to revive him from the darkness he lived in.
Before the song ended the doctor arrived. Liz excused herself telling Red she would wait to speak to him again after the doctor left. She found Dembe sitting on the couch watching a soccer game on the television. It seemed weird to see Dembe relaxing, watching television. She sat down on the end of the couch, and they both watched the game together.
The doctor came down the stairs an hour later. He found Dembe and handed him packets of pills and prescriptions.
"He likely has a concussion. You will need to keep an eye on him. He should rest for at least a week. His ribs are just bruised, but they will remain painful. I re-stitched his head. His heart sounded fine, but if he has any arrhythmia or anything feels off call me immediately night or day. The pills are for pain, and antibiotics for infection. The pain pills will knock him out. I already gave him a mild sedative to help him relax and a small dose of pain medicine. He should not take another pain pill until the morning."
"Thank you doctor." Dembe said shaking the doctors hand, "I already transferred the funds into your account."
"Make sure he gets a lot of rest. I do not know what he did, but he is pretty beat up. He's really going to feel it tomorrow."
Dembe thanked the doctor again and than escorted him out of the safe house. They would move tomorrow just to be safe that no one could track Red. The doctor had been on their payroll, but with Red injured Dembe was not going to leave them vulnerable to even the most remote possibility of attack.
"I'm going to go up and sit with him for a bit."
Dembe shook his head, he knew Red needed rest, and it was more likely Red would rest as long as Liz was there. She could calm him, when she was not angry with him.
Liz knocked on the door before she walked into the room. She did not see Red anywhere, but she heard the water running in the bathroom.
Walking up to the bathroom door she knocked gently, "Red are you ok?"
"I'll be out in a minute." He answered from the shower praying Liz stayed out of the bathroom until he was dressed.
"Ok." She said moving over to the bed and pulling down the covers for him. She grabbed the chair he had been sitting in and pulled it over next to the bed. Re-starting the record player she sat down in the chair, kicking her shoes off, she lifted her feet to the bed and relaxed as the soft tones of Otis Redding filtered into the room.
Red emerged from the bathroom a half hour latter.
Liz sat up and smiled at him. "I think this is the first time I have not seen you in a prison uniform our a suit."
Laughing Red said, "Suits are a bit uncomfortable to sleep in, and prison uniforms are so drag and last year."
"Do you mind if I stay tonight?"
Red lifted his eyebrows surprised at her request.
"I'll sleep in the chair." She said. "I just want to make sure you are ok."
"As you wish." He said sitting on the bed. He was wearing a pair of flannel pajama bottoms and a plain black t-shirt. "You know there is another guest room you could stay in. Instead of staying here and watching me sleep."
"I know, but I want to be close." She said, "Just tonight. I think we both would rest better."
Red could not disagree with her statement. Though he feared that the drugs the doctor had given him would prevent him from waking from the nightmares that plagued him at nights. He was not sure he was ready to be that vulnerable in front of Liz. Looking at her, he realized trying to get her to leave would be a battle he would not win. "Do you want me to have Dembe bring in a couch?"
"No the chair is fine." She said, "It's very comfortable, and I can prop my feet on the bed."
Red smiled at her. "If you insist." He lay down on the bed and pulled the covers up over himself. "I am afraid I am not going to be good company. The kind doctor drugged me, and I fear oblivion is coming."
"Shut up and sleep Red." Liz said smiling at him. She felt his hand reach out for her foot.
"Get a blanket you're cold." He mumbled.
Liz grabbed a blanket off the foot of the bed and covered up, the minute her foot reached the bed again Red laid his hand on it again.
By the time Otis finished singing about his Ole Man Trouble Red was snoring softly into his pillow. She studied his features, he looked relaxed. It was strange to see his face blank of all emotion. His face slack, the trademark smile gone. Why did this man, who had not known her, given up everything to save her. More importantly, why did this man come back into her life all these years later. He could have lived the rest of his life, as he had, but he came back with a mission. A mission to go after those that had ruined both of their lives.
Maybe the honorable, family man, who was loyal to his friend until the end was still in there. He just hid under the monster. Liz knew that her profile of Red had only been partially correct. She had judged him based on what she saw, just like everyone else had. That was where the error in the profile came from, he was not as shallow as everyone had thought. She had been correct about him not having friends who knew him, with the exception of Dembe and Luli when she was alive. Liz liked to think that he was letting her become one of those friends. Either way, there was more to Red than most people saw, and it was what he hid that made the man. It was what he hid that made him less of a monster, not her as he had told her at the factory.
It was with those thoughts that Liz followed Red to a deep slumber ten minutes later as Otis was singing about loving someone too long to stop now.
A/N: Thanks for reading please leave comments. I am still struggling to capture Red and deal with Liz. Kind of hate how she's often written and played as a weak damsel in distress.