DISCLAIMER: do not own any characters

Do you know what the worst part is? What I wake up to nearly every night screaming?

Not the fact that I was being controlled by an even less human part of me. Or that I nearly killed my best friend. Or even the fact that this beast still lives inside of me.

No. What scares me the most is that I can't do anything about it.

This is what I am. And it nearly cost Raven her life.

It was my entire fault and I couldn't do anything to stop it. And as much as I hate it, as much as I try to deny it, I know its part of me.

Cyborg said he found a cure, something that would stop the Beast. Stop, not remove.

This Beast, this animal, this thing isn't gone. It's just waiting.

How am I supposed to deal with this kind of thing? I'm pretty sure they don't make books on this kind of stuff anyways.

And Raven. Raven. It's my fault she nearly died, the real reason she was almost given a death sentence. The only comfort I take is that I wasn't the one who hurt her. I saved her, but I also put her in danger.

Kind of have to love the irony though. The boy who can shift into every animal in the world can't control the one he is. Even I have to laugh at that.

I just wish I didn't have to put her through that. It doesn't matter if I'm hurting; it matters if she has to also.

Maybe it would hurt less, though, if I could have someone to talk to; I mean be able to have a friend to help me through this. But honestly, who would, who could, do anything about it?

Cyborg. With a computer for brain he could easily find another chemical cure. But this goes way deeper than just a bunch of chemicals thrown together.

Starfire. She's honest, she's caring, and can make nearly anyone smile but she wouldn't know how to handle something like this. Most likely all I would get was some kind words and a green blob with little, to no, resemblance to food.

Robin. I think Starfire would be more help. He's one of my best friends but he doesn't know me at all. To him I'm just a little kid, albeit a green one, who doesn't know when to sit down and shut-up.

Then there's Raven. Where do I even start? If I had to choose anyone to go to it'd be her. She's been through so much and defiantly knows about dealing with emotions. I know she could help me, and that she would, but at what cost?

It's a widely known fact that she doesn't like me. Okay doesn't like isn't really a strong enough, hate seems more appropriate.

But when she was talking to me after I put her through that, makes me think she doesn't wish I was dead. That maybe, for just a moment, she does care a little bit about me.

"'Having that thing inside you doesn't make you a monster. Knowing when to let it out is what makes you a man.'"

Is that truly what it means? Am I to believe that even though I am this creature, even if I let it out, I can still be a man?

I'm not human, half of the titans aren't, but that doesn't really matter. We all care about each other and I only wish they would care about me, the real me.

To them I'm just the little kid, who doesn't take life seriously. I go around make lame jokes trying to get them, to get her, to laugh.

But they don't have any idea how hard that is. They don't know that all I want to do is just sit down and cry my heart out. I just wish this is only a dream and one day I'm going to finally wake up.

This is my life. Hidden beneath a mask, ruled by my inner demon, plagued by misery. Kind of poetic don't cha think.

But I can't help but repeat those words.

"'Having that thing inside you doesn't make you a monster. Knowing when to let it out is what makes you a man.'"

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