Dear Professor Dumbledore,

You may be surprised at receiving my letter since we are not acquainted. Indeed, I have only recently heard of you as I have been accepted at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. (I hope this introduction was suitably formal and sufficiently old-fashioned for a proper witch. Please excuse my taking a more informal approach after this, as I prefer to express my concerns as efficiently as possible.)

Yes, I have concerns. Big ones.

Professor McGonagall surprised us this week with a visit in all her witch-yness. Apparently, Hermione (my fraternal twin, an important distinction) and I are witches. Surprise!

By the way, did Professor McGonagall really write the letters herself? It seems silly and premature to say I've been accepted to a school for which I've never applied. Those definitely need to be reworded.

Along with the astonishingly short and completely non-informative letters, we received a rather humorous supply list. Upon enrollment, Professor McGonagall or some other unfortunate soul will escort us to Diagon Alley (feel free to cringe, I did) to purchase said supplies.

That's it.

Practically no explanation for anything was given. No proof was offered that Hogwarts is a real school. Apparently, she believes transforming a table into a pig is real evidence. I mean, sure, it is real evidence that you can break all the known laws of the UNIVERSE all the while wearing a silly hat.

But it's not exactly evidence for the existence of a super-secret magic school hidden in the Highlands of Scotland. Naturally, I decided not to explain to her that proving she has magic only proves she has magic – and nothing else. After all, I've been doing bits of magic for years, and it hasn't impeded my ability to lie and prank at will.

By the way, she mentioned nothing about the Highlands of Scotland. I added that bit myself, sounds so much more poetical, don't you think? I mean, if a super-secret school is going to be located in Scotland, it should be in the Highlands of Scotland; the Lowlands just doesn't have the same ring.

The point is this: her little demonstration, besides breaking the laws of the universe in the most underwhelming way (seriously, a pig?), only proves a most serious lack of imagination. It does not prove the existence of a super-secret magic school. I suppose this might be the flaw of super-secret magic schools, if they even exist.

Can you understand my concerns now?

Of course, my parents have never heard of nor seen Hogwarts. (We could never forget such a silly name.)

It doesn't exactly have a website. (You should really reconsider that; all the best schools have them.) So naturally I asked about a tour, and the Professor seemed almost scandalized at my question. I've never before in all my life heard of a school that didn't offer tours. I feel quite scandalized myself!

There isn't any orientation for new or prospective students either, which is disappointing. I have so many questions about Hogwarts, magical society, career prospects, and other magic schools. The closest thing to an orientation appears to be shopping with Professor McGonagall. That's quite backwards, considering that I haven't decided whether or not to attend this school in the first place. Of course, I tried to ask as many questions as I could during her visit, but she does not appear to enjoy being asked questions. I do not know whether this is because she does not know the answers, she does not like the answers, or she simply does not want me to know.

This places me back at square one.

Surely you must understand that my parents are not interested in sending their precious daughters to a previously unheard of magic school in Scotland which is mysteriously unavailable for tours.

So, Option 1 is Hermione and I don't go to Hogwarts. We go to a regular school or some other magic school which isn't so mysterious (for lack of a better word).

Then there is Option 2. Hermione and I go along with it and find ourselves trapped in some new sex trafficking scheme, abused by disgusting pedophiles, and brainwashed into being future madams who go to little girls' homes to trick them into exchanging their lives of safety for eternal sexual torment.

As you can see, we are determined to avoid Option 2. Suspicious adults luring children to a secret place…I'm eleven, but I wasn't born yesterday.

There is no Option 3 for attending Hogwarts since I haven't been offered incontrovertible proof that Hogwarts is real. This entire process (if not an elaborate hoax or nefarious scheme) has been conducted in a very illogical and inefficient manner. Please note this as an official complaint.

Therefore, if Hogwarts is real, and we are truly being invited to attend, I would like to request the following:

1. A tour of Hogwarts so that I may verify its authenticity. This is non-negotiable for reasons explained above.

2. Detailed information on the school (pamphlets, books, etc.) Honestly, a website is the logical way to go!

3. Professors' qualifications. A school is only as good as its teachers, of course, so I would like to know their qualifications. I would like to view their résumés or whatever witch-y equivalent they have. Do they have any published works? How might I find them? (I already know there isn't a website.)

4. An authorized visit to Diagon Alley (without committing to Hogwarts), preferably on a busy day. I would suggest a different Hogwarts representative, if indeed you believe one to be necessary.

I kindly suggest you make this a regular practice when recruiting new students.

I can only make an informed decision if I have all the relevant information; so please send your reply, whatever it may be, as soon as possible.

Sincerely,

Phoebe Granger

P.S. I've attached a list of questions if you've the time to answer them.

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1. Why doesn't technology work at Hogwarts? Professor McGonagall provided no explanation. I don't think she understands what a computer is, so she doesn't understand the gravity of the situation.

2. What's up with the pets? Why are pets even allowed at a boarding school? Does it serve any purpose? The acceptable options seem totally random. Honestly, toads? Are there special toads I'm unaware of? Also, how many students actually bring pets? I've got a sudden image of a castle overrun by animals. Just wondering.

3. Do the pointy witch hats get in the way during class? I imagine if you're not seated in the front row, you may not get a clear view. Or are the classrooms set up as auditoriums with sloped floors?

4. Just how authentic is this castle? I hope it's been remodeled through the years to include indoor plumbing. (I had to Google "chamber pot" once when I was reading a historical novel. Sometimes ignorance actually IS bliss! The romance of historical novels is forever lost to me now.)

5. Is there a Physical Education class? I would like to know what sports and clubs are available. Of course, this question would have been redundant if any pamphlets had been provided.

6. Why are owls used to distribute the post? It seems silly, inefficient, and incredibly conspicuous for a society that emphasizes secrecy. I imagine someone has to train the owls. It must involve extensive training since owls are nocturnal creatures. Forcing them to carry mail in the daytime seems very contrary to their natures and somewhat abusive as well. Why bother? I've imagined all sorts of theories, but I can't see why a quicker method isn't used. Also, how do owls even know where to go?

7. How does the administration locate witches to invite them to Hogwarts? I haven't forgotten the creepy address on the envelope.

8. Are vampires real? Are they attractive? I suppose vampires are a bit last season. Zombies are all the rage now, but I doubt they look like Nicholas Hoult. Considering I've been hearing about witches, cauldrons, and pointy hats, I feel compelled to ask.

9. Would you consider Professor McGonagall an accurate representation of the average Hogwarts educator?

10. What do your titles mean? They sound impressive. What's a Mugwump? It sounds silly. But it's fun to say.

11. I had to look up the Latin for the words on the school crest. What's the story behind that? Seems an odd choice for a school, although I think I like it.

12. The supply list includes dragon gloves. Seriously!? Dragons are real?

13. Is there anything interesting you can share about this whole secret society of witches thing? I think Secret Society sounds fantastic, and if it isn't already in use, I might start a club at Hogwarts...if it's real, of course. I'll expect you to keep the secret. I'm going to stop here, so that there are exactly thirteen questions. It really keeps it in the spirit of things, don't you think?

o

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A/N: Just a little something that came to me when discussing HP weirdness (or eccentricities) during lunch yesterday. Doesn't have to be Hermione's twin...but I didn't feel like changing it when it diverted into something else.