Tired, you had come to realize, stopped being something you felt when you couldn't get a good night sleep and something more. It was like a disposition, a constant state of mind. Life, it was just too hard. Obstacles kept falling in your path and as soon as you managed to somehow dig deeper in yourself to pull yourself over it, another fell down on you, crushing you underneath the heavy burdens. Your life meant absolutely nothing to you and more days than just one, a little voice in the back of your head nagged you to just end it all. End the pain right here and there.
You didn't realize just how bad it got until he was there. He sat in front of you with his army green jacket, the flurescent light reflecting off his Samulet and causing it to shine. Dean wasn't one for chick flicks so when he seated himself opposite of you, your mind went to a new case. Another day, another monster. Something was off though, his lips were in a tight line and tension held in his shoulders.
" I want to talk to you." he says your name, and your stomach bottoms out. You barely are able to meet his eyes, his voice sounding so pained. Has all your negative energy finally gotten to the boys, making them shove you away like everything else? Your pulse quickens, and you plead silently with your eyes, finally able to reach yours to his.
All you see is a deep hurt there in the mossy depths, and he reaches for your hand. His rough calloused fingers stroke against your smoother ones. A breath expands his chests and for a long minute, he doesn't say anything, he just sits there, like he's searching deep for the next thing to say.
" Dean…?" you finally break the silence, tears already forming underneath your curtain of eyelashes.
" Listen, you know I'm not good at these kind of things. Sam asked me to let him come talk to you instead, and I'm sure he'll be in here eventually, so expect that. I've seen it in your eyes lately. I've seen the exhaustion on you like it's your skin. Don't think I don't know what you're thinking." his eyes stare straight into you, boring into your very soul, seeing everything.
You feel so vulnerable to those eyes, but you keep listening. None of the boys had mentioned how you felt before. Sure, they had always given sympathetic looks your way, and each of them going out of there way to make it a little better ( your favorite food on particularly bad hunts and allowing you to pick the shows on the odd moments before or after cases.)
" I want to tell you that you matter. You matter so much. Your life has touched our lives, I couldn't be here without you. So many people couldn't be here without you. You've got to keep going. For Cas, for Sammy, for Bobby, for Garth, for Kevin….for me. Please. I know it gets hard, but I will always be here every step of the way. No matter what, you just come to me."
He sets his jaw stubbornly, his tone rougher around the edges, even though he doesn't cry, you can tell that it's right there under the surface. The tears you had been trying so hard to push back, come up. They wrack your entire body, coming from a place so deeply filled with horrible feelings that they shake your whole foundation. He pulls you in and holds you, the smell of whiskey and something sweeter, probably pie, blanketing you, housing you in the security of his arms.
He squeezes you, tightly, your face cradled into the curve of his neck, dampening his skin with your tears but he doesn't care. His fingers curve into your back, pulling you closer still. He drops a kiss on your crown, and he just keeps holding.
" I can't let anything happen to you. I would gank any monster, travel any distance, sacrifice whatever it took to save your life. You know that right?"
You nod, you know this, you truly do. Dean wasn't the type to leave someone behind and you knew inexplicably that he cared for you. In his warmth, your breathing slowed back to normal and your heart rate slowly worked its way back down.
" No matter what it takes, we'll get through this. You don't have to feel alone or scared, I'll be right here. Sammy's right here. Come to us if ever feel bad again." he means it because Dean Winchester says what he means, and means what he says. It was something you could rely on.
You know that these feelings probably will never be gone completely, and you can't will them away and neither could they. They were a demon to fight that lived inside you…but they could bring light to the darkness. Things will still be hard, but with them by your side, you know that things will be okay. It gets hard to hold on, but life is worth living, the people are worth sticking around for, and every day brings a new promise.