Once and Again
Author: Knowhere
Rating: (Light) R
Disclaimer: Nothing.
AN: This just came to me when I was doing some reading…somewhat out of the blue. No, the title isn't in reference to a certain TV show.
Summary: Literati. It's hard when something's unexpectedly taken away from you. A young couple is unprepared to deal with the harshness of life. AU.
He watched in amazement as her back arched and pressed her small breasts into his chest. Her mouth slightly parted as she gasped for breath made him feel like he owned the world. Or at the very least, her body. His arms were heavy from holding his weight up and off of her, but it was worth it to see her expression as the sweetness of her orgasm swept them both away. He distinctly felt the ripples of her sex against him, gently pulsing as the last waves brought her back to reality.
His hips swiveled again, pulling away and pushing in again, nudging the hidden sweet spot that he found years ago. It had taken patience and lots of practice, but in the end, he found her secret trigger. The collection of nerves that guaranteed a trembling climax. Leaning down on his elbow, he shifted his weight to reach between their bodies, his thumb finding the tight bundle of nerves. He stroked it once. Twice. "You okay baby?"
Rory nodded, her hands clenching, fingers digging into the muscles of his ass as she tried to get him to go deeper. "You haven't…?"
He shook his head, dipping down to lick salty skin from her clavicle. "I will. Don't worry." He smirked for good measure, his heart warming at her innate sweetness.
"I want," she shook beneath him, her body starting to involuntarily shiver, "I want…"
"I know." He surged into her, lodging into her as far as he could. But when he glanced down at her face, it wasn't only love that he saw. It was worry. And weariness. He tried to choke down the feeling of disappointment away, not wanting to loose this moment between them. But he couldn't. "Shh."
Her breath hitched and a few tears trickled down her silken cheek, crushing his heart and making him feel sick. "Rory."
"I'm sorry." She wagged her head back and forth as if to clear away the memories and images. "Sorry."
Jess pulled out, resting his forehead on hers and breathing her deeply into his body. "It's okay." He rolled halfway off of her, tucking her into his side. "Don't cry, baby." He murmured into her hair, palming her back and comforting her as best he could. "Shh. Don't worry. I'll fix this." He kissed her wet cheek, "I promise."
Though his warm weight was a constant reassurance of his presence, she couldn't follow the command of his words. Tears streamed down as she pressed closer to his chest, unable to forget yet another failure with unwanted memories rising up again…
She found out one summer morning. It was Saturday and she had the nagging suspicion floating around her brain for a while. Having bought the test the night before, she didn't get a chance to use it when he had surprised her with an impromptu date of dinner and a movie ending the night with a round of sweaty sex in the living room and the bedroom that only newlyweds could achieve. However, the next morning she untangled her limbs from his and padded her way into the bathroom. The bright midmorning light filtered through the window above the mirror and she peered into her own reflection in the mirror as if she could tell by just looking at herself.
She was positive that it would be positive.
There was no other reason for the missing of her usually punctual periods. Six months married to the man she loved and Rory Gilmore-Mariano was certain that she was pregnant. Opening the box with shaky fingers, she quickly scanned the directions, her slightly anal tendencies coming into play. But how many ways were there to pee on a stick? After she finished, giggling at herself for almost dropping the stick into the toilet, she placed it on the counter top and waited for the results. Her heart hammered in her chest, thumping loud enough for her to wonder if she could have a heart attack at twenty-six.
A quick light rapping on the door shook her out of her bubble and she jumped at the sound of Jess opening the door. He grinned at her standing at the sink in only her panties and a tight tank top, his eyes roving appreciatively at his wife's modest curves. "Morning beautiful. Sorry, but I've got to pee." He shuffled quick feet to the toilet, lifting the seat and doing his thing. At the sound of the flush, her head snapped up at sight of him staring at her in quiet amusement. "What's going on?" He nudged her away from the sink, still not registering the little white stick on the counter and washed his hands. Turning his back to dry his hands on a small towel, he glanced over his shoulder and his gaze caught. His eyes widened to the size of saucers and his eyebrows raised in questioning. "Rory?"
She smiled and nodded.
"Holy shit." He picked up the EPT, turning it around to read the affirmation loud and clear. "A baby?"
Happiness sliced into her when she saw his face transform into that of wonder. She couldn't speak and just nodded again.
"Holy shit." Apparently, words weren't coming to his aid either. "Oh my god!" As if suddenly being electrocuted into action, he grabbed her up into his arms and buried his face into the column of her neck.
"Are you happy?"
He pulled back, his expression telling her all that she needed to hear. "Of course I'm happy! Fuck! A baby." Jess tugged on her hand and led her back to their bedroom. Sitting her on the bed, he knelt in front of her, unaware that he wasn't wearing a stitch of clothing on him, and cupped his hand lightly around her flat stomach. "How long have you known?"
"I've been suspicious of it for a few weeks. I missed my last period." She sank her fingers into his messy bed hair and marveled at his joy. Who would've thought that hard-ass Jess Mariano would look to be at the verge of tears when receiving the news of impending fatherhood? "I thought it was stress at first but I should've started another period yesterday."
"You've known?" His head snapped up but his hands remained on her stomach. "Why didn't you tell me? Shit, Rory. I wasn't exactly gentle last night." Images flashed behind his eyes of him unable to control the roaring lust he felt for her after their night out. They had barely been able to close the front door before he pushed her up against it, grinding his erection into the cushion of her belly.
She smiled at his unfounded concern. God help her if Jess turned out to be one of those overprotective, almost overbearing husbands at the thought of their wife pregnant. "I wasn't complaining."
Jess's eyes widened as he recalled another detail. "Jesus, Ror. What about when we did it in the hall? I could've dropped you. And then I had you on your stomach when we were in bed. That can't be good for the baby!"
Rory tried not to laugh. "I'm okay, Jess. Stop freaking out."
He shook his head and came up on the bed to pull her down with him. "Sorry. It's just…a baby!"
"Yes, I'm aware that it's a baby."
His brain buzzed at the thought of a baby. They needed a bigger apartment, he thought. Or he could covert their shared office into the baby's room. Or they could move upstate if Rory wanted. They probably needed a bigger car. Her little Mini Cooper wasn't going to be big enough to cart around a child. And what if Rory wanted to move back to Stars Hollow to give their child a small-town childhood? He'd probably have to find a job in Hartford. Or maybe the paper would allow him to do freelancing, and commute only a few times a month if necessary. Oh god. They needed to baby proof the home. There were all sorts of cabinets and drawers to open in the kitchen. And they needed to get more bookcases for the books lying around on the floor. The baby could accidentally put out an eye crawling around with all those sharp hard covers. Rory needed a new doctor. She needed vitamins and a special diet, she needed…
"Jess?"
"Huh?"
She had a secret smile of a woman who knew what was going on in her husband's mind. "You totally zoned out on me."
"Sorry. Just thinking about everything we have to do to get ready."
Rolling on top of him, she sat on his hips, a smile on her face. "Just relax for now."
His hands immediately went to her waist, holding her against him. He felt the heat of her through her panties and smirked. "Never thought the idea of doing a pregnant woman would appeal so much to me."
Her smile slipped. "My body's going to change."
Jess's brow furrowed in confusion. "I know."
"I'm going to get bigger." Her lashes dropped, ashamed that she was even thinking of such a thing, but unable to at the same time. "Will you still find me sexy?"
He sat up quickly, enfolding her in his arms. "Of course. Feel this?" He undulated his hips under hers and his gaze sharpened. "Feel that? I'm hard enough to pound nails and getting harder by the second at the thought of your body rounding out with our child. If you weren't pregnant already, I'd be working on getting you knocked up this minute."
Her grin came back. "You've already knocked me up. But you could…knock some more."
Jess smirked. "My pleasure. But with you on top." He whipped off her tank top. "That way we don't put pressure on your stomach. We're going to get real good at this cowgirl thing."
She giggled.
Devastated didn't cover what they felt that night. It was a void of emotion that was an unreachable wall between them. She vaguely remembered the sterile environment of the hospital, the scratchy paper gown they made her put on. The nurse had checked her vitals when Jess had rushed from work, his clothes badly rumpled with his eyes wild with fear and worry. When the doctor came into the room she asked Rory to step into those cold and impersonal medical stirrups and began the examination. As the doctor quietly did the examination, Jess peppered the silence with rapid-fire questions.
Is she okay? What about the baby?
We've had our first checkup just last week. Everything was fine. Normal.
This is our first pregnancy. Is this kind of pain normal? There was some spotting early this morning but Rory wasn't in pain and thought it was just the Mexican food we had last night.
What are you doing now? Is that going to hurt the baby?
Is the baby okay?
When the doctor did an ultrasound, Jess held Rory's hand with a death grip. The doctor shut down the machine and looked at them with practiced sadness in her eyes. Both Jess and Rory knew but they didn't want to believe it.
When the words, I'm sorry, crossed the doctor's lips, Jess shook his head vehemently. "No." He placed his other hand on Rory's stomach, as if he could protect the baby from the words that were coming. As if he could bring the baby back to life just by touch. "No!"
When the doctor efficiently went through her rehearsed speech of needing a follow up with Rory's regular OB/GYN and various discharge papers they needed to sign, Rory turned away from the doctor and curled onto her side, facing Jess. She clutched his hands in her weak grip and sobbed. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
"No, no. It's not your fault." Jess leaned down so that he was face to face with her, close enough to smell her tangy breath. He soothed her tangled hair and left his palm circled around the base of her neck. Jess half stood over her, a sentry guarding over his precious charge. His body shielded her from the hum of the other medical staff and the PA announcements of doctor's names and other various emergencies.
"I'm sorry." She kept repeating the statement.
"We're young." Jess rolled her on her back and reached out to draw the flimsy privacy curtain around the hospital bed to drown out the noise. He crawled into the bed with her, cuddling her tightly against him, giving them the contact that they both desperately needed. "It's all right, baby. We got pregnant once. We can get pregnant again." He kissed the top of her head. "I promise."
For the first few weeks, they tried to return to their normal lives and routine. Though at times they simply forgot what being normal meant. All they could remember sometimes was the joy of the baby and the plans that had begun to take root. In a way, having the miscarriage happen so early made things a little bit easier. Logistically, speaking. But it wasn't in any way easier for them to accept emotionally.
The phone calls to their parents were the hardest to make. Both sides of the family had marveled at the news and wallowed in the prospect of being first time grandparents. Rory broke down before she could even dial her mom and Jess had to hold her and break the news to a sobbing Lorelai. Luke had been stoic, bearing the pain for Lorelai at the other end of the phone, but Jess could hear the choking emotions in his voice as well. Rory couldn't bear to do it a second time and so Jess called his mom by himself. He closed the bedroom door behind him and cried as he told his mom that his baby wasn't there anymore. He hadn't cried to his mom since he was ten and he had flown off the handle bars of his bike and broken his arm.
Rory overheard his quiet tears and had crawled into bed behind him, offering what strength she could to him. His heart was breaking as well and even though she could barely manage her own emotions, she let Jess know that they were in the situation together. And that they would fight together.
After a few months, they consulted Rory's doctor again and she assured them that Rory was perfectly healthy enough for them to start trying again. The doctor felt that it would pose no danger for Rory to attempt another pregnancy and the odds of success were high since they were both still young and willing to try. They were both equally eager at the idea of becoming pregnant again.
The first time they made love after her miscarriage was a disaster. Rory ended up in tears and was frustrated with herself for not being able to pull herself together. Jess was patient and told her that they were in no hurry and could try again the next night.
Eventually, the weeks passed and they settled back into their lives. They went to work and were able to focus again. Rory suggested that they do weekly dates to start concentrating on their relationship. After a while their sex life chugged back on track as well. And when Rory suspected that she might be pregnant again, she made an appointment to see her doctor.
The cheap plastic chair squeaked under his weight and he tightened his grip on Rory's hand. "What's taking them so long?"
Rory shrugged and glanced at the wall clock. "My appointment's for three and it's only three fifteen now."
Jess nodded, his leg nervously bouncing up and down. His thumb compulsively rubbed along the ridge of her knuckles. When Rory told him that she might be pregnant again, he bottom of his stomach dropped. He felt elated and frightened. He was excited at the thought of another baby; that they were indeed able to conceive again. But he was scared at the thought of landing in the same situation all over again. He never wanted to relive the feeling getting a phone call from Rory saying that she was on her way to the hospital and that she feared something was wrong with the baby. Jess never wanted to hear those damn platitudes from a doctor who looked at them in pity as she broke the news of another miscarriage. Jess just didn't want Rory to go through all that again. But at the same time, he wanted to only think of the good points. At the thought of a successful pregnancy and birth. Of seeing their child on the ultrasound and hearing the strong thump-thump of its heart beat through the monitor. Jess wanted all that and more this time around.
"Mrs. Mariano?" They got up and followed a young blonde nurse in teddy bear scrubs and she weighed Rory, took her temperature and blood pressure, and gave her a cup to pee in.
When the doctor came back in with a smile on her face, Jess felt his heart lighten. "Pregnant, right?"
The doctor nodded and proceeded to discuss what they needed to do and the extra precaution they needed to take for this pregnancy. Rory could barely comprehend the words. She could only think of finally being able to decorate the baby's room, of picking out a name, buying tiny clothing, and everything else she was robbed of from the first pregnancy.
When they lay in bed that night, Jess kissed his way down her body, stopping to suckle on her breasts and then at her stomach. He shimmied down to press his lips below Rory's belly button and he spent a hour just stroking her flat stomach and talking to a bump that he imagined would grow.
Jess closed the door behind him, throwing his keys on the kitchen table and flinging off his coat. He jogged down the hall to their bedroom and found it empty. When he heard the shower running, he braced himself as he knocked once and entered. The steam clouded his vision but when he pulled away the shower curtain, his heart plummeted at the sight of Rory sitting in the tub, fully clothed, her knees hugged to her chest.
He knelt down and started to unbutton her blouse. She was shaking and her skin was clammy and cold even though the water was set to boiling. Rory's hair hung in limp soaking hanks as she leaned forward and wrapped her arms tightly around Jess's neck. "It was a boy."
Jess bit down on his lips until he tasted blood. A boy. His little boy. A son that should have grown big and strong in his mother's womb. A boy that should've cried the loudest in the hospital and given his new parents many sleepless nights. A son that should have grown up with dark brown hair and bright blue eyes with a love of books and a perchance for being mischievous. A little boy that should have never been taken away from them.
Jess concentrated on removing Rory's clothes and getting her warm. When he stood with her in the shower, face to face and naked, he wrapped his arms around her body, feeling the gently rounded curves of her new suppleness that he knew would go away. Because there was no more baby. There were no words this time. No eager naiveté that made him say it was all going to be okay, that they could try again. There were no words.
He just stood with her in the shower, the hot water rolling off of them and mingling with their sorrow. He rocked her in his arms. And cried with her.
She didn't want to try again. For months on end, she would insist on them using a condom. And while Jess could understand her need to guard herself from pain, it hurt him to think that they would never hold their child in their arms. But he didn't say anything. He was hurting just as much as she was. And so they used birth control again.
When they made love it was no longer playful. No longer desperate. It was slow and drawn out until their bodies were trembling on the edge of a climax would Jess enter her body. It was always a confirmation of being alive. But it was always intense. They no longer woke up with a playful smile on their face and wandering fingers. They made love in the cover of darkness with the covers drawn over them, shielding them from the world. Their hearts weren't light anymore. There was always a heavy weight on them, reminding them of what they lost and what nature wouldn't let them have.
The doctor had explained that Rory's chances of carrying a successful pregnancy to full term was decreased because of the two miscarriages. She had encouraged them to keep trying, but told them the truth of the situation. That it was going to be hard and the fact that Rory would never be able to carry a child was a very realistic possibility. The doctor had kindly and very quietly spoken to them about alternative means of conception. In vitro, surrogacy, adoption.
They liked the idea of adoption, of giving a baby a much needed family, but Rory also desperately wanted to carry her own child in her own body. A result of both her and Jess within her. Though she knew there were many children up for adoption, Rory just couldn't give up the idea of growing heavy with her their own biological child within her body. But they still checked into the possibility of adoption agencies.
When they saw specialists to help them conceive, they started having sex regularly and without a condom. Even though the doctor told them that their chances were limited, every time Rory was ovulating, they had sex. And every time her period came their hearts broke just a little bit more.
"Daddy?" Jess blearily opened his eyes and was met with a set of pale green eyes and a mop of messy blond hair that stuck out every which way. "Can I have the Lucky Charms?"
"Sure thing buddy."
"Daddy," the child pulled at the covers and then wormed his way onto the bed. "Wake up."
"Con, it's way too early."
He shook his head and stuck his thumb into his mouth. "Elmo."
Rory murmured in her sleep and wound her arm around Jess's chest. "Connor?"
He stuck his head through the covers and smiled. "Mornin' Mommy." He snuggled into Jess's chest but his eyes widened when he accidentally tugged down the covers with his movements. "Mommy! Where are your PJs?"
Jess broke out in laughter and slipped off the bed with his son in his arms. "Come on bud. Let's go watch some cartoons, okay?"
Connor nodded excitedly and wiggled to get down. "Read stories too?"
"Whatever you want." Jess patted Connor's bottom as he rushed out of the room yelling at whether they should read Dr. Seuss or the Berenstain Bears. Jess turned and smirked down at Rory. "Yeah Mommy, why are you naked?"
Rory rolled her eyes and flopped on her stomach. "Probably because Daddy always takes off my PJs, that's why."
Jess laughed and went to the side of the bed and placed his warm palm on Rory's bare back. "You're too sexy to wear pajamas to bed."
"Flatterer."
"Daddy! Green eggs and ham."
Rory snorted at the sound of Jess's groan. "Hey, it was your idea to use green food coloring to make the book more special."
Jess sighed. "I didn't think he would want it every weekend."
"Daddy hurry!"
"Our child beckons." Jess went to the kitchen and started pulling out the eggs and frying pan. "All right, kiddo. We don't have ham but would you settle for green eggs and bacon?"
Connor heaved a big sigh. "I guess."
Jess rolled his eyes. "You gonna read me that book?"
"I can't read." Connor giggled, his crystalline voice ringing with childish innocence that Jess just loved.
"Sure you can."
Connor started at the first page, looking at the pictures and reciting from memory. He turned the pages whenever he took a breath and by the time his lime green colored eggs were ready, he found out that he turned the pages too quickly and had to start over again.
"Eat first, Con." Jess went to flip on PBS and helped Connor carry his plate to the coffee table. "You okay to hang out here while I take a shower?"
Connor nodded absentmindedly, his eyes glued to the movements of the colorful puppets on the tube. "Yes Daddy."
Jess eased the door but not closing it fully behind him. Rory was lounging in their bed looking deliciously rumpled. "Hey baby."
She smiled. "I have something to tell you."
He rummaged through the drawers for a clean pair of boxers. "Shoot."
"But I don't want you to freak out."
"Okay." Jess turned to face her. "What's going on?"
Rory took a deep breath. "I'm pregnant."
Jess dropped his boxers on the floor and his jaw almost unhinged. "You serious?"
"I went to see Dr. Wynters the other day. She confirmed it. She said everything looks great and despite the two miscarriages, everything seems to be progressing nicely."
"Fuck." He went to the bed and held her face between his palms. "How do you feel?"
Rory shrugged. "Good."
Jess snuggled Rory close to his side and they sat close together for a few minutes, their minds preoccupied with the ramifications of her announcement. Jess sobered and grew silent. "I'm scared, Ror."
"I know. Me too."
"When we got Connor, I thought we'd just have the one. I mean, we couldn't get pregnant for five years."
Rory nodded into his chest, tangling their legs together. "I know. And I love Connor. Having this baby wouldn't change anything."
Jess looked down at her, kissing her softly. "Of course it wouldn't. Connor's our son. End of story. We're just…having another."
"What if this doesn't work out?" Rory muttered softly the scary realism of the situation.
Jess swallowed hard. "We have Connor." He scooted down into the covers and pulled Rory on top of him. He cupped his hands on her stomach. An action he had done twice before. "I love our son. And I love this little baby here." He drew her fingers into his mouth for a playful suck until he grew serious again. "When this baby comes or," Jess sighed, "if this doesn't work out, I don't want us to go through all of this again. Whether or not we become a family of four or if we just stay at three, this will be the last time. Okay?"
Rory nodded, a little confused. "What do you mean?"
"I don't want us to go through another disappointment, if it comes to that. And if we're lucky enough to give Connor a little brother or sister, I think two kids will be enough. No matter what happens I'm going to get a vasectomy afterwards."
Rory smiled softly at the thought that Jess wanted to protect her. She knew that it had been just as hard for him to go through her two miscarriages. When they were fortunate enough to be chosen by a young teenager who wasn't ready to become a mom, Jess and Rory threw themselves into the prospect of becoming new parents. They were ecstatic. When the date of the birth arrived, Jess and Rory were right there in the hospital room, watching their son take his first breath. And when the doctor placed Connor into Jess's arms, both him and Rory cried at the sight of their son. Four years later, they couldn't imagine their lives without Connor. A little boy who looked nothing like them but acted strangely like their biological son. He was as stubborn as Jess with a smirk already in place on his seraphic features. He was sweet and caring towards those he loved.
"I love you Jess."
Jess nodded and wound his arms around her waist, pulling her close. "I love you too. So much."
"She looks like a weird potato."
Jess chuckled and shifted to support the baby's head. "You looked just like this."
Connor wrinkled his nose. "Really?"
"Yup."
Connor paused to absorb the information and leaned more into his dad to look at his new baby sister. "Can I hold her?"
Jess carefully handed baby Evie to his son and watched over the both of them. He wrapped his arm around Con and helped him hold tighter to the sleeping infant. "Is Mommy okay?"
Connor turned to see his mom tucked up in the hospital sheets. Jess nodded. "Yeah, she'll be fine. She's just tired."
"I'm going to be a good brother."
"I know." Jess smiled down at his son. "You're going to take good care of her." Jess could already feel the onset of fear edge his brain at the thought of some teenaged kid coming to their front door wanting to take Evie out on a date. Jess shuddered. "You can scare all the boys away from your sister."
Connor looked up in puzzlement. "Why would boys come for Evie? She's a girl."
Jess smiled softly and kissed the top of Con's head while grazing the tip of his pinky against the impossible softness of Evie's cheek.
Later that night when Lorelai had come to take Connor to her house for the weekend, Jess and Rory sat quietly cuddled on her hospital bed as Rory learned to breast feed for the first time. Jess sat with his arm around Rory, supporting her back and peering down at his daughter.
"She's beautiful isn't she?" Rory cooed and reached for a small hand that rested on her breast as Evie suckled.
Jess laughed. "Con thinks she looks like a weird potato."
Rory grinned. "Figures."
Evie opened her bright blue eyes and watched her parents with an unblinking gaze. The sight brought Jess to his knees. He could see so much his Rory in his new little girl. She was beautiful. "Looks just like you."
Rory quirked her head. "Are you saying I look like a potato?"
"No." Jess chuckled. "Sorry. I meant she's gorgeous just like her mom."
"I know. Just pulling your leg." Rory softened and leaned against Jess as Evie finished nursing. "I love our family. You, me, Con, and Evie."
"Yeah," Jess whispered, "perfect."
AN: Read? Please review.