Episode 1: I'd Kill You, But I'm Dead

Hidan spat a curse and scowled at the raindrops splattering on his windshield. Trust Sakura to catch him in bed with some random woman from a party. Damn. It wasn't like he loved the bitch or anything, but Sakura had been out of town and he'd been horny. It was as simple as that. Besides, she'd cheated on him too. He knew it! Or rather, he highly suspected. Well... more like had an inkling. Yes, he had an inkling that she cheated on him too. At least once. So... so there was really no reason for her to explode like she had.

'Stupid bitch, it was just a one time fuck, geez,' Hidan growled mentally, running a hand over his silver hair. 'She should know by now I consider her my old lady, or whatever, that other chick was just something on the side,' he continued fuming within the recesses of his mind. Damn. Now she was talking about breaking up with him. Damn. Why'd she have to overreact about everything? Don't get him wrong, he loved every solid punch she gave him. Every kick and slap and pinch was like a little moment of satisfaction for him. He couldn't lose that! No other woman hit quite like Sakura... and her pink hair looked so good tangled with his silvery locks.

Hidan cursed loudly and slapped his hand against the steering wheel. He would convince her. One night with Jashin-sama in his pants and she'd be ready to be back in his arms again. Jashin-sama was a god... in bed, no woman could resist his power. Hidan chuckled lecherously at the thought. He pressed harder on the gas pedal, ignoring the danger of driving swiftly on the rain-slicked mountain roads approaching Sakura's glitzy lodge. He'd get her back. She would break up with him over his dead body!

Sakura was fuming, she couldn't believe the nerve of Hidan, they'd been together for so long and then he just up and cheats on her?

'FUCK NO CHANARO!' Sakura screamed mentally, her venomous anger increasing by the second. 'Who knows how long he'd been cheating?' she thought bitterly, angry tears pooling in her green eyes. 'Maybe he was cheating from we started going out.' Sakura shook her head, refusing to let her thoughts go down that road. The pinkette gritted her teeth, her jaws grinding against each other, the bastard was going to pay, no one hurt her and got away with it! A sadistic smile curved Sakura's lips and she gripped the steering wheel, her knuckles white with tension.

'That bastard is going six feet under,' she thought, dry laughter echoing from her throat and around the inside of the car. She knew Hidan was on the way to her house, which is why she'd gotten into her car and decided to meet him halfway, it had to be done in order to formulate her plan leading to his death. She rounded a steep corner on the mountain road and smiled when she saw his sleek black sports car, she smiled and waved at him, seemingly as though she'd forgotten everything that had happened. His eyes lit up in triumph and she smirked

"Bastard," she mouthed and swerved, bashing into his car and watched as he struggled to regain control of the swerving vehicle but his efforts were in vain and he plunged over the edge. Sakura quickly shut off her car and got out, peering over the treacherous edge of the roadside cliff. She smiled happily when she saw the crumpled car at the bottom of the ravine, it had caught fire as well. The rain quickly soaked her pink hair, plastering it to her skull and neck... but she couldn't care less.

"Fuck you mother sucker, that's what you get for messing with this Haruno bitch," Sakura snorted and took out her phone and deleted his number. 'Fuck 911, your corpse is staying there until it turns to dust.'

'Fuck! Fucking bitch!' Hidan screamed as he swerved to avoid Sakura's big red Hummer.'Is she trying to kill me? The fuckin' cunt was smiling! I'll kill her!' Hidan screamed mentally as he struggled to regain control of his sports car. No such luck on the slick roads, though, and Hidan felt that vague weightlessness as his car careened off the edge of the cliff as it smashed through the guardrails.

"FUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKK!" He screamed. He was going to fucking die. He almost pissed himself... but he was a fucking man... so... okay, so he pissed a little. Not much, though. Hidan's entire life flashed before his eyes, and he grinned a little on the long way down. Just before his car hit the base, he had the sinking thought that he'd never get to turn Sakura upside down and - CRASH!

The car smashed into the ground at the bottom of the cliff and Hidan's world went black. He was dead. Shit.

The sound of rushing water, an orange glow, and intense pain in his back was what greeted Hidan when he came to. 'Am... Am I fucking dead? Did Sakura fricken kill me? Wait, if I'm thinking this, then obviously I'm not dead... then what the fuck is that orange light...' Hidan thought. Then he jerked as the realization of what would probably soon occur slammed into him. He scrambled out of the car with remarkable ease and ran, adrenaline coursing through him so intensely that the pain in his back faded into nonexistence.

He had not gotten out of the car a moment too soon, because the damned thing exploded right behind him, searing heat blazing over his back. FUCK!

"Fuck! Fuck, fuck fuck!" Hidan screamed as he watched his car burn. "Sakura, you half-brained mass of photoplasm! You witch! You stinking pile of fucking crap! You totaled my car! Do you know how expensive this was? Damn you! I'm gonna fuckin' kill you, you BITCH!" Hidan screamed as he watched the car in its transition to a pile of useless ash.
Hidan looked up at the cliff he had to climb to get back to the road. It was a long, long way to the top.

Hidan plopped himself down a nearby bench in a park, he was filthy from climbing up the cliff.

'Fuck that bitch for trying to kill me!' he thought venomously, but deep down somewhere he was impressed at her guts. 'Che,' he spat, his lips twisting into a sneer. 'Two can play this game.' He noticed that people were passing him by, as if the sight of a ragged, singed (by his burning car, dammit), silver haired male was an everyday occurrence. He must look like a hobo. Damn. At least he was a sexy hobo, right? Oh hell yeah. Hidan looked around, restless. She was supposed to come jogging here any time now. Oh he'd just love to jump out of the bushes and strangle her to death! Though he'd probably get side-tracked by her ass or something equally beautiful on her body. She was damn distracting at times.
Hidan waited for what felt like hours, but Sakura didn't show. Damn. Fine, he'd go to her house; kill her there. Hidan stalked over to the road and tried to hail a taxi. The previously easy task was much harder than usual since none of the yellow cabs seemed to notice him.

'What the fuck?' the thought, his mood getting even fouler, if that was possible. "Oh fuck it," he growled out and stamped across the pedestrian crossing, not noticing how he seemed to glide through the people milling around him. And they had better stay the fuck away from him too, else he would fricken stomp on their throats and pour coffee down their asses.

A few minutes later, after the horribly nostalgic trek up the steep mountain side road to Sakura's house, he arrived at her door. Hidan gritted his teeth in anger, he could hear Sakura's tinkling laughter along with a deeper male one. He would have never admitted it but he was hurt that she'd moved on so fast. Because he was a man... and Jashin was a god... and she'd fricken tried to kill him!

'Fuck it, I'll show her...' he thought and marched through the door turning to slam it when he realized that it was still closed. 'The fuck?' he thought, did he just literally walk through the door? Nah... that wasn't possible. He stormed into the kitchen.

"Oh, Sakura!" he called. "Look who fricking lived!"

A/N: R&R pweaaaaaaeee *puppy dog eyes* if you don't...I'LL SEND HIDAN'S GHOST AFTER U! MWAHAHAHA.