An Island Unto Themselves
Chapter One: That Pesky Rumor Mill
A/N: So this idea…this idea made me laugh so hard. Which is so pathetic. But it's late and I'm tired and I want to see this onscreen so badly. I hope you like it and I hope you think it's funny. It was supposed to be a oneshot, but it got away from me. Like, backpacking-through-Europe away from me.
Also, I totally and completely stole a plot point from the incomparable maxrpg. The heads up is now and I'll put what the actual stolen idea is at the end of the chapter. Thank you, maxrpg!
Enjoy!
"Ugh, blue Jell-o again? I thought Wednesday was cherry day." Major Jeannie Taylor half-whined as she followed her three cohorts through the mess line.
"It is." Captain James Lucas raised a dubious eyebrow at his teammate as she eyed the offending wiggly stuff.
"Then why is it blue?"
"Because today is Thursday."
The other two—Major Liam Gripes and Captain Rachel Morse—sniggered at their friends' exchange. Jeannie could never seem to be able to keep up with the days and James just loved pointing out her mistake every single time.
"Oh. Well. Okay, then." Jeannie huffed a sigh as they went and sat at their favorite table. "So, Rach, how's SG-14's newest lieutenant?"
"Oh, the phrase 'scared witless' comes to mind." The other three laughed quietly, having all been in the lieutenant's shoes at one point or another. "But he'll be fine. He's sharp and he has a knack for staying out of the way."
"A much overlooked quality at the SGC, if you ask me." Liam piped up, shoving a forkful of corned beef—or was that Salisbury steak?—into his mouth.
"What, staying out of the way?" Rachel wrinkled her nose at the meat-like substance also adorning her plate. Liam elected to nod instead of speaking; he was having some trouble actually swallowing his food. Watching his valiant effort, Rachel spun her plate, putting the meat as far away from her as possible. "Should've known better than to grab the mystery mush."
"You act like it's a surprise." James chuckled, secretly glad he'd gone for the salad tonight. Anything served after 0100 that actually required cooking was best left in the serving tray. "You do this every time."
"You are just full of wisdom tonight, aren't you?" Jeannie jabbed him with her elbow. "Whoops, sorry, my arm slipped."
"Oh, haha." James rolled his eyes while the others laughed.
"Hey, guys!" Glancing up, they saw the entirety of SG-16 sauntering towards them. Team leader Major Tim Sarkle led the way, closely followed by Major Tina Feldman and Captains George Holdwell and Mason Marks.
Various "hi's" and "what's ups?" echoed from the four seated individuals as the others grabbed trays and joined them. Settling in, they all fell easily into relaxed conversation. The SGC had that effect; it was like one big ol' happy family, especially in the wee hours of the night when nothing critical was going on. Everybody got along with everyone else, even better when there was food involved.
Well, almost everyone. There were four people who didn't tend to mesh with everybody else quite as well. Some blamed it on elitism, others on poor social skills…but it was generally agreed upon that SG-1 was an island unto itself. They worked as a team, ate as a team, exercised as a team…hell, the rumor that they even showered as a team had worked itself around the SGC more than once.
Speaking of…
"Hey, did you guys hear?" Tim—leader of SG-16—leaned forward, a conspiratorial glint in his eye.
"Depends. I've heard a lot of things." Jeannie mimicked his posture, a questioning light in her eyes. This is how it always started. Someone would whisper a vague query and the others would shift around and ensure that no one in the immediate vicinity would overhear them.
After determining that the coast was clear, all eight of them scooted their chairs in, crowding the small table. "Okay," Tim let out a long breath, giving everyone just enough time to get antsy with anticipation before continuing. "I heard from a very reliable source that SG-1 actually goes into withdrawal when they're not together."
"What?" At least three people exclaimed in the wake of this revelation.
"Yeah. Seems they spent way too much time together in the beginning and now they have, like, legitimate panic attacks if they aren't together." Tim nodded gravely, popping a cube of blue Jell-o into his mouth.
"So I guess they do shower together." Tina's eyes were wide with awe, imagining in her mind's eye the three male members of SG-1 as they stripped down past their skivvies and stepped under the hot, rushing water. Then Major Carter came into view, not a stitch on her as she joined the other three, steam rising and rising and—
"Tina?" She blinked, the quickly escalating daydream popping out of existence as quickly as it had come.
"Yeah? What?" Was she a little breathless?
"You looked a million miles away." Her teammate, George, looked her over with some concern.
"Don't worry about it." Her other teammate, Mason, rolled his blue eyes. "Happens every time SG-1 and showers are mentioned." As if on cue, Tina's eyes glazed over again. "See?"
"She'll be out of it for awhile." Tim shook his head slightly and turned his attention back to the non-daydreaming portion of the table. "She does have a point though. They would have to shower together…or at least all be in the locker room at the same time."
"Oh! You know what else that means?" Jeannie didn't wait for anyone to respond. "They must all live together!"
"Dammit! I was gonna say that!" Liam pounded his fist on the table good-naturedly. "Yeah, I heard from Walter that they all chipped in and bought a house together."
"But, we've all been to Colonel O'Neill's house." Rachel pointed out. "For Dr. Jackson's memorial service."
"Which one?" James quipped half-seriously.
"Um…" Rachel paused to think before snapping her fingers. "The second one! Liam, I don't think you were here for the first."
"I don't think so either."He agreed. "But Walter also said that they each keep separate apartments and houses, you know, to alleviate suspicion. Or whatever." He added hastily when they all looked at him dubiously.
"I guess I could see that." Jeannie nodded slowly as she picked at her blue cubes, frowning when she realized that they hadn't magically become red when she wasn't looking. Blue Jell-o…wait! "Oh my god! I almost forgot!" Ignoring the surprised yelps and utensil clatterings her outburst caused, she plowed on. "I know for sure this one is true too, Major Davis himself told me!"
"He told you?" Tim asked doubtfully.
"Okay, maybe not so much as told as overheard." More doubtful looks. "Okay, eavesdropped."
"Go on." Tim rolled his hand in a forward motion, satisfied at Jeannie's grudging honesty.
"Major Carter isn't actually Major Carter."
Stunned silence greeted her words.
Two seconds later, the table burst into loud exclamations of varying degrees of disbelief and complete understanding. "Oh, I knew it!" and "No freakin way, man!" and "But would that really be so strange?" flitted around the otherwise empty commissary at a rapid pace, everyone talking over everyone else.
"Guys! Guys!" Jeannie held out her hands in a placating gesture, waiting until she had the attention of the other officers before continuing. "I swear. That's why she eats so much blue Jell-o, it's her energy source."
More contemplative silence.
Followed by a resounding "ooooh" of comprehension.
"Wait, how long has she been a robot?" Tina chimed in, having been shaken from her shower reverie.
"At least a year, maybe even since that time they were all actually robots." Jeannie nodded sagely.
"Wait, what?" The foodmeat that had been on its way to Liam's mouth fell with a wet thud as he looked around at the unperturbed faces of his friends.
"Oh, I forget, that was before you were here too." James shrugged unconcernedly. "Though, I heard a little something that might conflict with your find, Jeannie."
"Oh?"
"Yeah. I heard that SG-1 actually retired more than a year ago and the people we see around base are just holograms."
"How is that even possible? Didn't they rescue your six last week when your team was ambushed on 883?" Mason pointed an accusing finger at James.
"Heard about that." George snickered. "I also heard the natives caught you with your pants down, James."
"What?" Tina startled in her seat.
James held up a hand and said, "Don't even go there," at the same time as Rachel said to Tina, "Dude, you need to get out more."
"Don't I know it." The major sighed and dropped her head into her palm as everyone around her laughed and patted her sympathetically on the back. They all knew the struggle; it was nearly impossible to have any sort of real relationship outside of the mountain.
"You know who doesn't know it?" Mason waggled his eyebrows.
"Colonel O'Neill and Major Carter!" The other officers all chorused, finally getting to the best part of their gossiping interludes.
"Who want to go first?"
"I will!" Rachel's hand shot up, ignoring the disappointed mutterings of those around her. "Okay, I've got a numbers one courtesy of Colonel Reynolds."
"Numbers?"
"Yup. Apparently, the colonel and major have been married seventy three times offworld!" When she was met with unimpressed looks, she raised her eyebrows. "Seventy three, guys! Seventy three!"
"We heard you." Tim glanced sideways at George who merely shrugged.
"I've been married nearly half of that." George half-shrugged.
"Yeah, and all those times were on Earth." Jeannie sniggered at her own joke while the others rolled their eyes.
"Yeah, but was General Hammond the officiant at any of them?" Tina smirked- now she had their attention.
"WHAT?!"
"Yep. General Hammond actually married them at their last one."
"Bull."
"Hey, take it up with Colonel Reynolds." Tina shrugged and took a large swig of her coffee, her eyes twinkling behind her mug. So what if she'd embellished a little? That was half the fun of these little get-togethers.
"Okay, my turn!" Liam rubbed his hands together, tired of feeling like the black sheep because he came to the SGC a year later than everyone else. "Okay, we all know that Colonel O'Neill and Major Carter have been together for years…" Everyone around the table nodded, taking the opportunity to eat a couple more bites before the inevitable other shoe dropped. "Well. Turns out someone on SG-1 has a major problem with that."
Sharp inhales and the distinct sound of bated breath.
"Doctor Jackson has a big time crush on—," Liam cut himself off, looking around at the faces flushed with anticipation. He knew the name they were all waiting to hear. "Colonel O'Neill!"
"Oh my god, you're right!" Rachel and Jeannie both yelled, breaking down into fits of uncharacteristically girly laughter.
"It's incredibly obvious now that I think about it." Tim said thoughtfully.
"Yes…now that I think about it…" Tina stared dreamily off into space.
"Have you no shame?" Mason flicked some mashed potato at her.
Laughing, she fended off the attack and winked at the other man. "Oh, don't be offended. I think about you too."
The table dissolved into laughter again, but the blush lasted a little longer on Tina's cheeks this time. Not that she'd ever admit it. Ever. Realizing she may have dug herself too deep this time, she quickly changed the subject. "Hey, has anyone heard anything about Mr. Teal'c?"
"Oh yeah." George smirked, eyes glinting mischievously. "And it's a doozy."
"Do share."
"Well, I heard that-,"
"Wait, who from?" Rachel cut across him.
"What?" George paused, taken aback.
"Who'd you hear it from?"
"Classified. Anyway-," He paused, expecting Rachel to continue her line of questioning. When she remained silent, he pushed forward. "Anyway, I heard that Mr. Teal'c is a spy."
"Oh. Come. On." James rolled his eyes, his none too subtle sentiment echoed by nearly everyone around him.
"Dude," Liam shook his head in disappointment. "That's way too obvious."
"Seriously, whoever told you that should be shot." Jeannie patted George's hand sympathetically.
"Drawn and quartered." Mason added helpfully.
"No, it's not!" George protested, crossing his arms over his chest.
"A spy for the Goa'uld?" Rachel balked. "Uh, yes it is."
George's eyes flashed. "Not for the Goa'uld. For the Asgard."
"What?"
"Not so obvious now, huh?" He poked his tongue out at them.
"Whoa. Mind blown." Tina made an explosion gesture with her hand.
"Okay, well, I have something really mind-blowing." Having held this one in for as long as he could, Mason leaned forward, shirt nearly grazing his carrots. "I hear Doctor Jackson, on top of being in love with his CO, likes to…" He paused dramatically, stretching the now palpable tension to breaking point. "Wear lady dresses!"
"No!" Everyone cracked up, Tina and Rachel grasping each other's shoulders to keep themselves upright.
"I love how you specified 'lady dresses.' Like there are any other kind." Tim chuckled, wiping the tears from his eyes.
"Dog dresses." Liam pointed out as the waves of laughter began to die down.
"Now that's a picture. Doctor Jackson in a doggie dress."
"Say what you will, the man has nice legs." Jeannie said as the other two women and a couple of the guys nodded in agreement.
"Tina, don't even say it." Mason elbowed his friend, heart stuttering slightly when she turned sly eyes on him and winked.
"Guys! Wait! You haven't even heard the best one! Doctor Lee told me that-," But at that second, the doors to the commissary burst open and two of the four objects of their fascination walked in, causing the next words to die in James' throat. "Protozoa."
The others barely managed to swallow their laughter, some even successfully masked the giggles with coughs. "He told you protozoa?" Liam murmured, earning himself a hard smack on the thigh.
"Yes." James hissed, throwing a furtive look at Dr. Jackson and Mr. Teal'c who were now settling themselves—and their full trays—at the table closest to the door. A heavy, thick silence settled over the previously boisterous table, all present officers finding their food remnants incredibly fascinating. Jeannie bounced in her chair, mind searching hastily for a new topic…something, anything, to break this incredibly unnatural and incriminating silence.
Luckily, she was saved by the bell. Or, rather, the commissary doors banging open for a second time.
TBC
A/N: It was the dress! The dress idea was maxrpg's, a little running joke, if you will. Many and much thanks to you!
Part two up soon!