Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
Jerry Springer: Welcome to the Jerry Springer Show. I'd like to introduce my first guest, Connor. Connor is here because he wants to know the truth about his brother. Please welcome Connor.
Enter Connor MacManus
Jerry Springer: Welcome Connor. You have a very interesting story. You have a question that you need an answer to. One that has been nagging at you all of your life. I can only imagine it's been unsettling for you, not knowing.
Connor: Aye it is. Murphy and I have always been close, getting inta trouble together and well we havena been apart since Ma brought us home from the hospital. Tis been upsettin on both of us.
Jerry Springer: So you and your brother Murphy have always been close but this secret is coming between you.
Connor: Well we just need to know. It's drivin us crazy wondering which one of us it tis. And it just sort of comes up time and agin
Jerry Springer: Well I think we need to start off with how you found out.
Connor: We always Knew Ma was keepin something from us. We had a little run in recently ya see. With a couple of Russian Mafia types and I was protectin him. Twas a blow ta him ya know, me tellin him it was me duty bein' the older brother and all.
Jerry Springer: Well maybe we should hear from him. Please welcome Murphy.
Murphy MacManus ignores Jerry and dives on Connor.
Murphy: Ya liar.
Connor and Murphy grapple on stage until Steve and the rest of the security team separate them.
Jerry Springer: Welcome to the show Murphy. I would imagine this is hard on you. I mean the two of you have been living with this secret all your lives.
Murphy: Aye, it's upsettin.
Jerry Springer: But you really shouldn't blame Connor, it's not his fault. I know you must have some anger but that's no reason to fight. He's not really a liar.
Murphy: O Course he is! He's been lyin since day one. I'm older!
Connor: Give it up Murph, we both know I'm faster than you so I got out first!
Murphy dives on Connor again
Jerry Springer: We will take a commercial break and give the guys a chance to settle down. When we come back we'll hear what their mother has to say.
Murphy and Connor are once again rolling around the stage grappling with each other while security attempts to separate them.
Jerry Springer: Welcome back. We're talking with Connor and Murphy who are determined to get to the bottom of a family secret. Joining us now the woman who raised them, please welcome Katie to the show.
Ma MacManus enters the stage, goes over and smacks the boys in the back of the head
Murphy: Ow!
Connor: Ma!
Ma: I raised ya ta be good God-fearin men and look at the two of ya! Rollin around like a couple of pigs in a sty. Embarassin' me on TV! I'll never hear the end of it. I won't be able ta hold my head up at the pub. Ungrateful little (Beep)! Just look at me, me girlish figure gone. My hips are wide as the damned Grand Canyon and we won't even talk about tha fact that ya sucked me dry. Me (beep) are saggin so bad I got bruises on me ankles!
Connor and Murphy: Christ Ma!
Ma smacks the boys in the back of the head again
Ma: Lord's (Beep)ing name!
Murphy and Connor cross themselves
Murphy and Connor: Sorry Ma.
Jerry Springer: Ah, welcome to the show Katie. As you know we're here because Connor and Murphy are fighting about a family secret they want to bring to light. We're hoping you can shed some light on this.
Ma: What's ta shed light on? I brought those two bastards home and took care of em. That's my boys. And they turned out ta be a couple o fine men. Well except for tha cussin...and tha fightin. Always fightin my boys are. But they are good boys. I had ta raise em alone.
Jerry Springer: So their father isn't in the picture.
Ma: Well not when they was growin up. He was in prison. But they are close to him now. And he thinks they be fine boys too!
Jerry Springer: But there is a secret concerning one of them.
Ma: The (beep) you say! Nothin secret a tall. Both those babes was suckin on my (Beep) at tha same time!
Murphy and Connor: Ma!
Ma: Don't you go tryin ta act all embarrassed about it now. Ye we like a couple o leeches. I had ta (beep)ing pry ya off! Tha two o you damned near sucked tha nipples right offa me!
Connor: That's your mother!
Murphy: No that's your mother talkin like that!
Connor and Murphy start fighting again
Jerry Springer: We'll be back with more from Katie and her boys after the break
Ma is now seated between Connor and Murphy
Jerry Springer: Welcome back. As you can see we rearranged the seating. So Katie, You raised the boys by yourself, their father was in jail.
Ma: Aye but he's out now. Tho tis a bit late for him to be playin Da now, he keeps em under control.
Jerry Springer: Well that's good because he's here with us, please welcome Noah.
Noah MacManus comes out on stage
Jerry Springer: Noah welcome to the show. I think we would all like to know where you stand on this. Obviously there's a secret about one of these men.
Noah: Well now, tha two of em are as close as two brothers can be in every sense o tha word. They just need a little remindin. When Katie brought em home we did't get a wink o sleep the first week. They would cry all night long. It took us a week to find out that they would only sleep when we put tha two of em together in tha same crib.
Katie: Aye, They'd cry their little eyes out till you put em together.
Noah: Then they would fight o'er the blanket. Tha two of em won't happy less they was together.
Katie: Oh but would they would fight, Ya missed some good ones Noah. Like tha time Connor gave Murphy a bloody nose. Connor was crying and bawling cause he thought Murphy was gonna bleed ta death. Then there was tha time Murphy pushed Connor off the front step and dislocated his shoulder. They always fought but when ever one of em hurt tha other the one doin the hurtin was always crying more than the one that was hurt.
Jerry Springer: So they were close?
Katie: Were? Ya mess with one o em and ya deal with tha other. Those boys would kill for each other! And this whole thing about a secret! Taint no secrets they're my twins. I kept em both with me in the hospital, never trusted them places. They been together from the time they came outta me womb till now.
Jerry Springer: Wait a minute. You told my producer Jane that you needed an answer to which one of you it was.
Connor: Aye, We told her we wanted ta know which one.
Murphy: After all these years we deserve to know.
Jerry Springer: But you, you're related. I thought this because one of you is illegitimate!
Murphy: Of course we're legitimate, we're twins!
Connor: But we still want an answer and we figured this is the only way to get Ma ta come clean.
Katie: Not this again!
Murphy: Aye Ma, we want ta know.
Jerry Springer: Know what?
Connor and Murphy: Which one of us is older!
Katie: Boys I already told ya, tha one wit the bigger (Beep)!