A Two Hander. The run up to Kate and Petruchio's wedding. As they remember it!
Parts of the conversation in this story I have lifted from Sally Wainwright's screenplay, but as they are an essential part of the story and because all my stories are based on her version of Shakespeare's play, I hope she will forgive me.
There is some strong language but this is Kate, Piers and Harry! Not me!
For those who may not know it, the old Music Hall song driving Kate crazy goes like this,
"There was I waiting the church
Waiting at the church, Waiting at the church.
When I found he left me in the lurch,
Lord, how it did upset me.
All at once he sent around a note,
Here's the very note,
This is what he wrote,
Can't get away to marry you today.
My wife won't let me."
SHOCKS, TEMPERS AND TANTRUMS
Piers
Harry had said "You won't do it."
"Fifty Quid," he had said "Fifty quid says, you don't do it and fifty quid says you won't
want to do it. When you get to know her."
Well I had got to know her, at least as much I needed to know. I knew I felt like I had never felt before.
It wasn't the money; well yes there was that: but there was more than that.
I love everything about her, her eyes, her hair, her skin, her mouth just tantalises me. Her body, she is so small I could pick her up, I could snap her in two, and God! I want her; I want her more than anyone else I have ever met. I cannot think straight when I'm with her. Well, yes I can! Straight into bed or straight on the floor or straight to the nearest horizontal surface.
Harry's reaction when I asked him to be my Best man was a bit predictable, I suppose.
"You don't know her. She's a monster, dragon: her temper, she's terrifying. She's the most foulmouthed woman I have ever_ she rips people, men, to shreds. She hits them. She throws things, furniture. Do you know what she did to Paxman ... Paxman ... Jesus God. And you want to...God".
"I can handle her. She isn't like that, not with me. "
"Christ, you dopey bugger, she eats blokes like you for breakfast and I mean it is not as though she's you know, hot."
I looked at him hard and he should know from past experience that he should shut up or I would punch him one, but he went on.
"I mean you can put up with a lot if you know she's well, keen. But her, she's probably a lesbian; everyone thinks so. "
"She's not. You can take my word for it."
"What? Have you?"He tilted his head queryingly at me, a horrified look on his face.
"No"
He let out a long drawn sigh.
"And what aboutyou? Have you told her about you know?"
"What? What? Oh that. No, it's not important."
"Not imp... God! She'll kill you and who would blame her. and... Listen mate, think about this. You've heard of henpecked, well, she'll tear you apart. She'll chop you up into little pieces and feed you to the dogs."
"No, she won't. She loves me and I intend to be master in my own house."
"Bloody good luck to you, you'll need it."
But I had every confidence. I knew! I knew. I had every confidence in me... in Kate.
Kate
When I told Mummy she went very quiet.
Bianca was in New York and would be for another two weeks so Mummy didn't have any support from that quarter.
"Are you sure darling?" she asked. "I mean, you don't know him very well. And even if he is a friend of Harry's, that doesn't mean " She trailed off.
"Yes, Mummy, I am sure," I said far more confidently than I felt.
"You only met him last Thursday."
"And how long did it take you to decide about Daddy?"
"That wasn't quite the same, darling."
"No!" I said nastily, "I'm not up the spout"
"That was unkind Katherine."
It was and I was sorry but I wasn't going to back down.
Straighten the backbone Katherine, and never let them know you care.
"Do you need any help?"
"Thank you, no. We have managed to sort it out ourselves."
That hurt her too. Your elder daughter getting married and you're not asked to help. I knew we had to do it, do it for us, for both our reasons and do it quickly too and for another reason.
"When am I going to meet him?"
"Oh! Sometime." I said carelessly although that was not how I felt. "Must go now."
When Bianca came home, it would be a different matter, I knew. Bianca could demolish me. Make me see sense.
Have a go at me.
Keep at me.
Till I threw a wobbler and showed myself up in front of everyone, in front of him. I didn't want to see sense. I wanted to be party leader. I wanted to be married. I wanted him. I wanted him before he changed his mind. Before I start losing my temper, creating scenes, making a right idiot of myself, before he finds out about me. Before he finds out that I am not what he thinks I am. Before he falls out of love with me.
Oh God!
In the event of things, Bianca didn't do any of those.
She was quiet and watchful, asked a few pertinent questions like "Do you trust him?" Of course I trust him, what kind of question is that?
"Do you love him?" I raised my eyebrows.
"Does he love you?" This very quietly.
"He says so." I replied defiantly.
Then she said, "Well how a little celebration. Let's have some champagne!"
I was relieved, no row, no fight.
We have always fought the three of us, or rather Bianca and I fought and Mummy watched, waiting to intervene if necessary. They never lasted, the rows, we are very close in spite of how different we are.
I wish I was happier about her child lover, we are both old enough to be his mother, well I am; and Bianca almost.
Kate
Only days now to the wedding.
My blood pressure is sky high.
My temper is equally high,
If I bit my nails, I would have none left.
My staff are cowering away from me.
Members of the House are avoiding me.
Mummy and Bianca are biting their tongues. The only one I am nice to is him. We are both edgy. We talk about things, money, Hazlington: about the Party and the Party conference, the leadership election. He is, um, I don't know, he is interested enough and encouraging but he is edgy
Piers
Only a few more days to the wedding.
Don't know how I am feeling.
I've no doubts.
Not about Kate. No. Never been so sure of anything in my life.
Not about the wedding, at least I don't think so, I mean I want to be married to Kate, I want to be married but there is something, I don't know what.
Kate talks about Hazlington, about me managing the estate instead of a land agent, she makes it sound so simple. If it was simple, why did we Charlburys have to pay someone to do it? Well, I promised Kate I would try it for a year. She said she would help, and it would save the estate money. £30,000 a year for a land agent, not even my own agent, a company bloke sitting at a computer! For a few letters a year and an invoice. No wonder the old man never had any money.
Harry suggested a stag night but I don't think so. I don't really want one, I've had my fun. Don't really want to get boozed out of my mind with some half forgotten blokes.
I'm past that.
Anyway being with Kate is more fun than anything else.
I'm ready to settle down, except, except I don't know what.
Collected our morning suits from the cleaners. Mine belonged to my old man.
Tried it on. Christ! I look just like him.
I am so uneasy.
Harry tried on his. Both suits fit O.K. Knocked back a whiskey.
We look like a pair of upper class Twits
That's what I am, I suppose. An Upper Class Twit. Oh, shit. What I've always loathed.
A Bloody Hooray Henry. Shit. Shit!
I hate this bloody fucking suit. God, let's have a bloody whiskey.
Kate
Day before the wedding.
My dress had arrived.
It really was lovely, bridal without being mutton as lamb. God! Mummy and Bianca were there. I looked at them so tall and elegant and lovely and me so plain old maid. How could anyone want me?
He loves me. He says so. I believe him. It isn't just the money, is it? He will turn up?
"There was I waiting at the Church"
Oh God. He will turn up, won't he?
Everybody will be there, friends and enemies; enemies, won't they just enjoy it!
We had lunch together, just us, it was not right somehow.
We both had things to do that evening so we wouldn't be seeing each other till tomorrow. He held my face, kissed me gently and said "I love you, my love, my dove, my sweet. See you in the morning."
Is it pre-wedding nerves? I just feel something, something hanging over me.
He does love me, I know he does.
Piers
Saturday morning early
Why did I agree to this? Why did I agree to this; because Kate wanted it?
Why didn't I say I don't want this, let's slip off to the register office or the church if that what she wanted. I'm sure they would do it quietly if we wanted it, not this... Pandemonium.
"It's O.K, Harry, I'm awake. No. You can have the bathroom first."
Harry cooked breakfast. I threw up.
"What's up with you? You didn't have anything to drink, did you? You haven't got a hangover?"
I had a whiskey then, to steady my nerves.
I didn't say anything. I haven't said anything since I got up. Harry's rabbitting on. Usually it's the other way around.
8.30am
Time to get dressed. Got to have another drink.
Harry said "Do you think that's wise at this time of the morning, and on an empty stomach?" I just looked at him and he shut up, for two minutes, and he started on and on. I had another whiskey.
"We have to be there by ten, the car will be here at 9.15. You know, I never thought you'd do it. Not for a minute," he laughed, "Never thought she'd have you. Still here's your 50 quid." I was looking at myself in the mirror.
I knew what it was; why I was feeling this way and then I made up my mind.
"I can't do it."
Harry was stunned then rallied.
"Best time, now, yes best. Just leave it to me. I'll sort it. Never understood how you could, you know, think of her like that; she's terrifying. Still best now than later!"
"Harry," I said slowly. "I didn't mean that. I meant like this."
It dawned on him what I meant. He was appalled.
"You can't, you can't, not even to her, especially not to her! God, God she's the next Prime Minister."
But I was taking my jacket off, then looking for my case, undressing.
Then the car was here for us.
Kate
Saturday morning early
I can hear Mummy and Bianca talking. I should have insisted that they slept at their own places and come here later. I should have!
We shouldn't have done this, not this way.
We should have gone and done it quietly. Why didn't we? Because I wanted this.
I wanted to show everyone that this beautiful titled man wanted to marry me, plain, little, frumpy, old maid Katherine.
We should.
"Yes Mummy, I am awake. Yes, I'm getting up now!"
Oh for God's sake, why don't they leave me alone?
"Yes Mummy, you can come in."
"I've brought some breakfast. I'll just put it down here." She looked at me.
"Are you alright darling? Everything OK? " Pause. "Not having any doubts? It's not too late, you know. If you're not sure, just say and I'll take care of everything. You only have to say."
"I am sure." I screamed at her. "I am sure."
I am sure this is what I want, I am sure that I want him, I love him. I am sure. What I am not sure of is, if he will turn up, if he will be there. Before yesterday I was sure of that but yesterday, everything was so strange.
I love him so much I feel sick with it.
I just want to get it over with.
I came out of the shower, Bianca said "What time is the hairdresser coming?"
"I'm not having one"
Bianca started. "But"
Mummy looked at her sharply, so she paused then said "Shall I put it up for you?"
"I can do it myself"
"I'm only trying to help, darling. Let me do a French pleat, quite simple." So I let her do it, for a bit of peace. And it did look nice except I knew that strand of hair would fall over my face. It always does.
Kate
11.30 a.m.
My nerves were in shreds; my temper was so high, it was pounding my skull.
We are in the car circling the church.
We, Bianca and me, were arriving on time when Bianca's mobile rang.
Mummy!
He hasn't arrived.
God!
Mummy was very reassuring; "Just go around the church. There's bound to be a reason darling."
We did that for 45 minutes.
'There was I waiting at the church!"
That bloody song thumping in my head.
'Then I found he left me in the lurch.'
Oh God, that bloody stupid song!
He loves me; I know he loves me!
Doesn't he?
Mummy rang again. "It's o.k. he's here."
As we drew up I saw a scooter pull up. It was Harry and him. I was speechless.
No morning suit!
NO MORNING SUIT!
He was wearing a full length peacock blue velvet coat over a sheer frilly blouse and a plaid mini skirt complete with fishnet stockings and high heeled knee boots.
And when he took off his helmet, I saw he was wearing make-up. Not just any old makeup, immaculate, beautifully applied makeup, eyeliner and blusher, and nail polish.
Hysteria was welling up in me. Hysteria and incredulity. Disbelief.
He was drunk too.
Piers
12.00 noon.
Got stuck in a jam around the Elephant and Castle, some bloke lent us a scooter but we were late.
Kate was mad, hopping mad. Not just because I was a bit late either.
She said I was drunk. Well, I suppose I was a bit.
But why is she so mad?
And, she didn't like my clothes!
Tried to explain to her it didn't mean I was a poof.
I'm not, no worries on that score.
She was not a happy bunny.
She was threatening to call everything off but I put her straight on that.
Told he she would look more of a fool doing that than well whatever.
So we did it.
We got married, rowing all the way through and then I broke the news that we would be missing the reception.
Was she mad!
She was incandescent with it.
What a silly thing to get mad about!
A little mix-up with the flight. She went on and on about missing the 'bloody horrendously expensive' reception.
As if it were important.
Everybody can still go to the reception, we just won't be there!
Kate
I was filled with rage.
I was embarrassed, humiliated and filled with rage.
A murderous rage.
I am going to divorce him as soon as... As soon as... whenever.
If he speaks to me, I will kill him anyway.
Piers
We were in the car on our way to the airport.
Kate was pretty mad, she wasn't speaking to me.
She said she was only going to Italy because she paid for it and she was too humiliated to stay at home.
I can't understand it.
All over nothing!
Perhaps we were a bit late, and perhaps I had a sherbet too many but there is no need for her to be so unreasonable.
What the matter with the woman!
As for my clothes, I'll wear what I bloody well like.
She's not dictating to me about that!
She said I've ruined her career.
How? I can't see that.
Anyway I am not putting up with this; these tantrums. I am going to be Master in our house, even if I have to tan her arse.
And anyway I'm having another drink!
Harry! I thought of Harry!
I rang him. "Harry, get the first flight out. I need some help. Come out Harry! I can't be alone with her, she'll drive me nuts. I know it's my bloody honeymoon. Harry, I can't cope with this on my own. Alright I'm drunk, I know I'm bloody drunk but I know this too. Drunk or not, I'm going to tame the bitch."
Kate
I didn't speak to him all the way to Italy and he drank consistently all the way through the flight.
We picked up the hire car and I drove through most of the night to the villa.
He said he was too drunk!
Just as it was getting light we had a puncture, I changed the wheel.
He said he was incapable!
Sitting there in the road, smirking! How I didn't hit him with the jack, I don't know. I really don't know.
We got to the villa and he was unbearably rude to the caretaker. I was uncontrollably angry and as soon as she left I smacked him as hard as I could. He caught my wrist so fast and so hard, I was taken aback and began to wonder if he was quite as drunk as he made out.
"I warned you." he said in a low even tone and he flicked my cheek with his finger.
It stung.
It hurt.
"Stay away from me." I ground it out and biting back my tears, left him
Kate
I was sitting on the doorstep still in my wedding dress feeling sorry for myself, when he found me.
"You're not going to like this!" he said."We left your suitcase at the airport."
No!"
"Yes"
"No, I put it in the boot myself"
"It's not there. We must have left it behind ." He shrugged.
"Well you'll have to go and get it"
"Me! In my condition? After all I've had to drink? I can't drive. Anyway we got a flat, four flats. "
"Well, get the foot pump and pump them up."
"No foot pump."
"There's must be."
"No!"
Well, phone someone then."
"No phone."
"Use my mobile. It's in the car"
He shook his head and shrugged again.
I stormed out to the car. He followed me.
Flat tyres, no foot pump, no mobile.
"You did this on purpose."
"Me" he exclaimed in indignation.
"You have to walk to the village"
"In these heels? I'm going to lie down. Oh and Harry's coming."
"You asked your friend on our honeymoon? Not that it's much of a honeymoon." My voice grated with rage.
"What's the matter with you, woman? There's plenty of room! I'm going to lie down, get myself together and then I'm going to rip your knickers off and have sex with you."
He disappeared into the house and I decided I would try to walk to the village but before long I realised the Italian country roads and white satin high heels do not go together.
I went back to the villa and went to bed.
It was dark when I woke. Awakened by music played at full blast. Mozart.
The Marriage of bloody Figaro!
I stormed downstairs and switched it off.
"I was listening to that" he said.
He was lying on one of the huge couches holding a glass of whisky.
"Kate! I knew you couldn't keep away from me." he said sardonically.
He had changed his clothes and he looked as if he had showered and shaved.
"And I was trying to sleep, you moron."
"I don't care for that!"
"If you think I am going to be intimidated by a feckless nonentity like you."
"Come and sssit on me."
"Where's the footpump?"
"Oh Kate we don't need artificial stimulants." He was mocking me, lewdly. "I'll pump you up as soon as you like. In fact I can't wait to get started."
He swung his feet to the floor.
"Don't you touch me you oaf! You keep away from me"
Suddenly he didn't look drunk, he looked extremely dangerous.
Piers
She turned and ran and I followed her, fast. Up the stairs to the bedroom. She tried to slam the door but I was in behind her. She swung around to do further battle but was taken aback. I was undoing my belt.
"What are you doing?"
"What do you think I might be doing? It's my wedding night. I'm alone with my delightful beautiful wife. What might I be possibly thinking about?"
"If you touch me, I'll scream"
"Oohh promise?" I said mockingly as I dropped my pants.
She gasped. Her eyes widened and she bit her lip as she saw my erection.
"You've teased me long enough."
I picked her up and threw her on the bed, then myself on top of her
"Get off me."
"You've no idea how long I've longed for this? I've wanted to do this ever since I first clapped eyes on you, that night in the lift. I've wanted you and you have teased and tormented me. Well I've had enough of it. You're my wife now and I'm going to have you. "I pulled at the mass of satin and tulle between us. She struggled under me.
Her eyes were enormous and her mouth quivered till she tightened her lips and said defiantly, "Who cares? O.k. Go on then."
"I am, I will."
"Well get on with it"
"I will"
"Are you ready?
"When you are!"
My mouth was just above her hers and her lips parted. I knew she wanted me as much I wanted her.
She was so tempting and I wanted her so much but suddenly
"You're right."
"Am I?"
"It's no good. I can't do it." I said. "I can't, not like this."
"Can't you? She said in a shocked little girl voice.
"No! Not unless you're nice to me. I'm not having sex with you unless you're nice to me."
I stood, and pulled my pants back on.
"Are you going to be nice to me Kate? No? Right! Forget it!" and I sounded as childish as she did.
I didn't know whether all this had been to teach her a lesson, to show her who's boss, or some sort of game I was playing, but I didn't want to go on with it. I didn't want to torment her anymore ...and I'm certainly not into rape. I didn't want it like this.
So I left her.
I leaned against the wall outside the door.
I wanted to go back in but I knew I couldn't. We had to settle this properly, on some sort of level ground, or our marriage would never stand a chance. We had to settle it and I intended to win.
So I couldn't go back in, even though I knew she was crying.
It might have been with rage, it might have been with frustration but she was crying.