"I'm fine!"

"You're not fine. You were bound, just escaped being tortured by a lunatic murderer in the nick of time and you're not fine. I'm in law enforcement, remember? I know."

"You're not a psychiatrist. You're being silly."

"As if you'd talk to a psychiatrist. It's me. Just come in for a minute, Jane, have a glass of wine. Talk to me. Decompress. Then I'll take you home."

"Look. I'll do what you ask since you think it's so important, Lisbon. But really, I'm fine."

"Thanks for humoring me."

Lisbon opened her door and flipped on the lights, revealing the usual low-level mess of her apartment. Nothing awful. She pointed to her couch. "Sit."

Jane rolled his eyes and did as she asked. Truthfully, he was a little touched by her insistence on taking care of him. Like she would any member of law enforcement, he started to tell himself before he recognized it for the bald-faced lie it was. Anyway, he didn't really want to be alone with his thoughts. Her company and her attention were just the distraction he needed. But he was fine. He was a mentalist and he was in control. And if he got out of control, there was always biofeedback. No problem.

Lisbon poured a deeply purple glass of wine for each of them.

"What is that? A little strong for so late, don't you think?"

"You know I don't know what the hell it is. It's red. That's all I know."

"It's a bloody bruise!"

"Shut up and take the glass, Jane. Enjoy your wine. You'll like it."

He took a sip and rolled it around in his mouth like a pro. "Hmmmm. It's good. What—?"

"Unh! You can check the label later if you're that curious." She smirked in triumph and sipped from her glass. Seating herself near him on the couch, but not crowding, she perched at the edge of the cushion and leaned forward, propping her elbows on her knees after taking a longer pull of the dark, flavorful wine. "So, you were about to lose a thumb when Hightower and I came in. What was that like?"

He looked at her, winking over a wan smile. "Naturally, I was relieved you showed up. Uh. I guess I forgot my manners, Lisbon." He lifted his glass in salute and smiled a little bigger, but it was a bit too tight. Apprehensive. "Thank you for saving me."

"You're welcome. And that's not what I meant."

The surface of Jane's wine showed a distinct tremor, but he said nothing.

He could feel Lisbon turn to look at him, but he looked at his wine instead. When he noticed the surface rippling, he started swirling the liquid a little to cover for it. He felt the stiffness of his hand and wrist as he forced them to respond smoothly and couldn't quite manage it. Breathe. Just breathe through it. He could feel the heat of a blush take hold of his neck and move up his cheeks.

"Tell me what happened to you as Kirkland went to cut off your thumb and you couldn't get away. It should be simple to say. But you should just say it out now. It'll make everything easier."

Jane looked into Lisbon's calm face. Her eyes were liquid and caring. He wanted so much to do as she asked, but imagining it created a whirlwind of panic in his chest that had no handle for him to grab and tame. "Why are you doing this?"

"Because it's the right thing to do. Because I care about you. Because in ten minutes alone in your motel room you will have buried it so deep, it won't come out until it festers out." She drew down her brows as her mouth quivered subtly, almost hidden. "And frankly, I don't want to work through the brunt of that. I just want you to talk about it now. Please. Tell me what happened to you and what you thought and felt going through it. If I thought you would talk to a professional about it, I wouldn't press you now. But you won't. And this is going to affect me as well as you. Partners. Remember?"

Jane lowered his head and slowly shook it. He wasn't refusing. He was capitulating, preparing to do as she asked, his heart hammering as it sensed he was ceding control of himself to the woman who sat next to him. He didn't try to hide his shaking hand or the heavy pulse in the vein of his neck as he set down his wine glass. "I was scared, Lisbon, what do you think?" The telltale warble and slight croak in his voice let her know he was speaking truthfully now.

"I think you were scared. Tell me."

"I knew he wasn't going to let me go. He was going to kill me no matter how much I told him. He couldn't leave me behind to tell what had happened. I was going to end up like Marx, burnt and maimed and dumped somewhere, rotting." His hand went to his forehead and he rubbed it with his fingertips.

"You're right. Kirkland would have killed you no matter what. What about before he killed you? Facing torture. That's not easy."

"No. It wasn't." Taking a long swallow of wine, Jane looked at her. She was calm, listening, inviting. "I don't like pain. I didn't like thinking how much he would hurt me. I hated being restrained so I couldn't escape him or even move my hand away from him. I couldn't stop thinking about what it would feel like when he closed the shears and my thumb just fell off, the sound as it hit the floor, and I'd never have a thumb again and all that blood . . . and screaming." The words were tumbling out of him now, making him feel sick, but taking the place of vomit. "I thought I would cave and he'd go after Red John and I'd be dead."

"I don't know how you stood it, Jane. Facing such a monster." Jane could tell she was serious, struggling with her own emotion at the thought of what could have happened to him.

When he didn't say anything, she picked up with his last thought. "So you thought about your revenge and how he'd take it from you."

Jane swallowed the rest of his wine and Lisbon promptly took the glass to the kitchen and refilled it, higher this time. She handed it to him and sat down, watching calmly as he took a large gulp.

"Yes."

"And you weren't about to let him have it."

"No."

"Even if he tortured you and cut your thumb off."

Jane frowned and his brow furrowed in anger, protesting. "You make me sound stupid. I had to play for time. I had to keep hoping I could make it out alive. That I could . . . win."

"I know, Jane. It wasn't stupid. It's what kept you alive long enough for us to find you. It was very brave."

"Brave?" He snorted and poured some more wine down his throat, not letting it on his tongue long enough to taste it. "Lisbon. I was about to shit myself. Kirkland was going to happily inflict pain on me like I've never felt, like I couldn't imagine. I was terrified." He trembled and he didn't try to stop it. He could feel the blood drain out of his face and a cold clammy sweat set up at his hair line, trickle down his back. He wanted to set down his wine, but he didn't want Lisbon to see the surface rattle like a storm, so he tossed it all back instead, swallowing hard and letting the dryness of the wine stretch his mouth into a mild grimace.

"That must have been horrible, Jane."

"I didn't want to fail. I didn't want to disappoint Angela and Charlotte."

Lisbon knew he meant disappoint himself. Jane didn't believe in any afterlife that would include his dead family feeling or knowing anything about what he did now.

"I'm so glad you played for time. I'm so thankful for your stubbornness. It let me get there in time."

Jane was not expecting to hear Lisbon say that! He looked at her in surprise, eyes and mouth both round. "You're not mad that I didn't tell you where I was going?"

"I didn't say that. You should have told me."

"Oh." The wine was warming him, relaxing him and let his blood flow normally through his body again, draining the tension all the way from the marrow of his softening bones. She would be mad at him for a while, then. He sighed and looked away.

"But I understand why you didn't. You were trying to protect me."

"Yes."

"But you almost lost your life doing it. How do you think I would have felt if you had died? To find your tortured, maimed body in a few days? It would have killed me, Jane. Killed me. Do you understand what I'm saying to you?"

Without looking at her, Jane put his hand on top of Lisbon's and squeezed, feeling the warmth of her small fingers and knowing how much she loved him. "Of course I understand, Lisbon. I'm sorry. There just wasn't a way to keep us both safe at the same time."

"I know. You had to choose. And of course you would choose this way. I know you and I know why." She put her free hand on top of his where it still played with her fingers. "I'm not mad at you. I'm scared, too. If it was reverse, I would have made the same choice to protect you."

"You're not going to tell me it's your job to protect me and be in harm's way and not mine, are you?"

Lisbon pulled on his arm and made him move closer. "Now, what would be the point of that?" Sitting all the way back and draping her arm along his broad shoulders, she pressed him down until his head rested on her chest where he snuggled against her and sighed. She laced her fingers into his hair and gently ran them along his scalp. "Do you want some more wine?" She kissed the top of his head so tenderly she was sure he couldn't feel it.

Jane felt the warmth of Lisbon's breath on his scalp followed by the feathery touch of her lips.

He turned his head to kiss the closest spot of blouse over her breast, pressing as lightly as she had him. Then he shook his head against her. "It's flowing through me like a warm river now. I feel all limp and sleepy." He allowed his weight to press on her, pushing her down as his head slid along her body and came to rest on her soft belly. "Uuuuunnnnnh," he sighed, yawning and nesting his cheek there. The rest of his body lay between her legs.

Lisbon lifted her inside leg gently and wedged it softly at Jane's back where it met the back of the couch. Grabbing the throw, she wadded it for a pillow and relaxed. It looked like they were going to sleep on the couch tonight. It was a pleasure to love him this way. She fell asleep with her hand in Jane's soft curls.